Apology and wanting my suffering to stop

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You've had conflicts with me sometimes but I'm very, very happy to see you getting some treatment. I hope you feel much better soon. Overall you seem like a nice person.

I hope your future holds less suffering than your past.
Somewhat more selfishly, I hope to hear music or see art you've worked on at some point.

We are all backing you Marknis and hoping that all goes well for you!

Kudos to you for persevering for that treatment!

I relate to the alone-time being difficult. Idleness is still hard for me. In my online support group, the 35 yo is in a really tough period while those over 45 have all passed through that stage - we still have painful moments (or circumstances), but it's far more bearable. Hang in there.

I saw an interview with a singer who decided to like herself and worked towards that. It was really inspirational, she was all gussied up: clearly in a celebratory way, having dropped her shame and not resorted to arrogance. I like that. I want that calm of self-assurance for myself (and you).

Thank you all who replied.

I sometimes feel a sense of calm during the day but I still suffer from bad thoughts and fears about what will happen to me.

You're welcome.

Can TMS treatments be helpful immediately or over time?

I've been saying to myself gently "you're safe, you're safe" (when I am of course). I'm finding that sometimes self assurance is that simple. It doesn't solve whatever issue, but it brings down my "alarm" from 10 to 7 which gives me more options. When I was an adolescent my mom gave me Guatemalan "worry dolls" that helped. Do you have any "tricks" that help?

Honestly, I have no “tricks”. Depression has made me feel like I am doomed to suffer until I die.

the only trick that has worked for me, is to realize that the human brain can only hold one discrete thought in working memory at a time, that one whole thought is our whole world, and if you just change that thought, eject it as it were, replace it with another thought, that changes our world. sorta like how you stub your toe and curse OWWW then somebody slaps your face and you go OWWWW on that and forget about your toe. so i just got good at distracting myself from my bad thoughts, redirecting my thinking. it is a discipline type of skill that can be acquired with a major degree of work.

That is the darker side of depression , The TMS will need approx 3 weeks before you may notice any help,
Hang in there please , depression is a self fulfilling feeling that Feeds and survives upon itself .
Hope your doctor might be able to prescribe some sort of meds to hold you over , till the TMS kicks in , it is a slow
Very subtle thing as it starts to work. No suddenly you wake up and it’s gone , just a Lessing of depth of the sense of depression little by little .. It is not meant to suddenly. Turn off the depression,, just a slow process , You may suddenly notice colors maybe a little brighter you may notice some of the more positive things in your life may become more pronounced . Issues that seem harsh slowly seem That they will very possibly work out .. These are just my impressions of my experience , awhile back .

Jakki, TY. Good input, reminder, etc.

I haven’t been able to get a full night’s sleep for nearly a week now. It’s affecting my sanity.

It'll do that. When I don't get enough sleep I end up manic and it's unbearable even if it's not as crushing as depression.

Do you use sleep aids at all? Are you open to using them in extreme situations?

. Hmmmm... not interacting with Doc , regarding your sleep .... hope he can help .

Sometimes I get like that and take a zolpidem (generic of Ambien) for a night or two. You might talk to your doctor about that. It's not to be taken all the time or it could be habit forming. But if you just can't sleep for a week, you need a little help.

So you were able to finally get the TMS? I am glad I hope maybe over time it can help. I also see you mentioned some trouble sleeping...and well this may sound silly but have you tried to have a relaxing cup of tea before bed, like chamomile? I'd say before trying a medication for sleep I'd try that...just because some sleep meds can leave kind of a hang overy, drowsy feeling in the morning. So if an herbal tea like chamomille could help you get to sleep you may not need to resort to a sleep medication, but if the sleep troubles persist then yeah you may want to get something to help that from your doctor.

And I am sorry if I was being harsh or anything in my last posts, I was kinda having a rough time and made mistakes here I don't want to rehash. So I am sorry if I came off as an ass to you at all but just want to say I do really hope things can turn around for the better for you. I do still think to really get ahead you may still at some point need to confront your mom about her fraud of taking your money or whatever or at least figure a way she wont be able to keep having access to it. LIke seriously get your own seperate bank account to keep some of the money in at the very least so she can't have access to it all but I digress I have already mentioned you should find some way to address. your financial situation and find a way to get more financial freedom from your mom. So I won't rehash it anymore but you really are within your rights to report her and/or at the very least open you own private account where your work money can be deposited that she has no access to. But that being said I do hope the TMS can provide some help for you.