So I admitted that I don't like children

Post Reply New Topic

I love dogs, but dislike children. It's... perfectly OK to not like children? You're not a horrible person because of it. That's just what society thinks.

Retro I know it's hard to put time in perspective when you have a baby. I just want to remind you that your daughter won't be a baby or even a child forever. She's a person even though it's hard to see that right now. Assuming she lives a long life she will only be a child for a few years and a small percentage of her life. She'll be a baby for even less than that. Before you know it she will be a distinct individual with likes and interests of her own, a fully-formed personality, and all the characteristics you'd associate with young adults. I know it seems like a lifetime away but once it starts happening, you won't even remember the baby years. There's also a very good chance she will be on the spectrum, according to genetics. You may be able to bond with her in ways you can't envision right now. Perhaps you'll have mutual special interests or you can develop some together. Maybe you'll be empathetic about each other's sensory needs and understand each other on that level, even more than Jane can relate to her. Maybe you will excel at parenting with some of your positive autistic traits, like your need for order or routine or whatever makes you tick (sorry I don't know your particulars).

I hope you can get Jane to understand that right now, sensory overload is a real problem for you and it's not your strong suit to deal with bodily fluids. It seems you don't like snot, breast milk, etc. (lol) - but that's a valid issue since you are autistic. Of course it's important to be a bit flexible and adapt, but I also think that most of your issues with parenting are because you aren't "allowed" to be autistic in your relationship with Jane. It's "being forced to act neurotypical" and "being forced to deny your autism" that seems to be the problem here, more so than whether or not you care about your baby. On top of the autism issues you have an overbearing partner who won't let you try things your own way, to get comfortable. Something has to give. Either she lets you spend time alone with the baby, learning what feels right for you - or she needs to accept that when you do things her way you will go into shutdown and not want to engage.

My husband had awful sensory issues with diapers and other baby stuff. He also didn't really relate to babies and small children.
Parenting is a struggle for both of us for a lot of reasons. A big relief happened when the younger one turned 4 and we could have meaningful verbal communication with her, including setting some rules. Now our kids are 8 and 9 and my husband got quite creative in helping them learn Math

We needed professional help at some point - in our case, our relationship was healthier than any of us separately but I got completely insane and he developed problems, too. My therapist called it "having children is a war for you".
An important lesson I learned about functioning within our family was - being comfortably ourselves at home and defining boundaries acceptable for everyone - managing conflicting needs of various family members turned out almost a full-time job. If we had to additionally mask our autistic traits, it would certainly blow up in a much worse form.

How’s everything, Retro?