Do not get me wrong...

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I appreciate this post. I keep quite a bit of myself contained in the real world. I have never felt it quite safe to be myself with people. I am very slow to warm up and keep to myself. I am 34 so in time maybe this will change. I think maybe there are two people in the real world outside of my children that I let myself be whole with. I am wondering if you can address this directly as you do all other things. I am not really good at having defense mechanisms, a lot of people do, passive aggression, black and white thinking, etc but I don't so that isn't helpful either.

Regarding your commentary, everything I have seen in my short time has been accessible and understandable to me.

Well I never thought I would see you post here. Your comments can be so blunt and to the point they're funny as hell sometimes. I like them.

I have always appreciated your ability to reduce a problem to its roots and propose things that are actionable.

One of the things I have had to learn about myself is that the way I think I come across and the way I do come across is not exactly the same thing. "There is a difference between leveling with someone and leveling someone". When someone is in a bad place there are two things that might help: 1) addressing his/her need for acceptance or feeling of value 2) no-nonsense full frontal advise. The movie "The Bachelor and the Bobbysoxer" starts with a psychologist suggesting that a young girl's infatuation with a much older man is best dealt with by entertaining it and letting it collapse under its own weight. His idea it that the girl will quickly see how unsuitable the match would really be and she will decide for herself to seek greener pastures - with no trauma. (I think the film-maker's idea was fan-service, but lets put that aside for now). At the end of the film the same psychologist sees his first idea had been backfiring (making for very funny moments through out the whole film) and decides on the "no-nonsense full frontal advise" method. The take away is sometimes you need to try the soft touch and if that doesn't work you might then try the iron fist. I think the key thing is to be willing to be flexible with people. I am a white male, 6ft 1in. I can appear very intimidating. Those who know me know that I am generally very reasonable and a complete loss in any kind of team sports. I am a computer and math geek and not much of a lady's man. In many ways I am the opposite of the stereotypical "bully". But I can play that role if need be. I did acting in college and I was actually cast as a big bully in one show - I played it well - I have known a lot of bullys. People who don't know me and who have actually been bullied don't know this. If I "play the bully" with them I can end up retraumatizing them and that really isn't what I want in most cases. I have been bullied too much to be indifferent to the pain that can cause other people. I don't even like to play chess because if I loose I feel bad, if the other guy looses I feel bad for him. Some people come here to Wrongplanet because they have nowhere else to go. They might be much younger than me. They may be homeless. They might have a PhD but were horribly bullied as kids. They might have co-morbid issues in addition to ASD. They might be self-medicating depression or PTSD with drugs and alcohol because that is the best coping they have learned so far and they are hurting. The list goes on. I need to be aware of my own impulsivity and the tendency to say the wrong thing at the wrong time and the impact that might have on someone else. Greeting a new comer with a shoot-from-the-hip lay down the law type attitude might be completely the wrong thing to do. I might be comfortable with a level of horse-play that to others really, really hurts. Why not - I have been on the other end of that scenario myself many times.

So part of "social skills" that I have had to work on have been "being myself" and "not worrying about what other people think about me" but also "being aware of how I come across". I think of social skills like learning a foreign language. My niece speaks both Spanish and English fluently. I would like to speak "be myself" and "consider the other fellow" fluently. Nobody likes someone who first thinks of himself and only of himself. That guy has a big problem and causes problems wherever he goes. Nobody likes someone who is a jelly fish and never thinks of himself - people grow tired of lack of back bone.

For me (who, frankly works better with computers than with people) the real trick is finding balance between the two extremes. I am trying to find balance between "being a part of" and "being apart from". I am trying to find balance between "being myself and sticking up for myself" and "being considerate and empathetic". I don't like me the way I am when I get too far into the extremes - I like me better when I can be more bilingual - a citizen of the world.

Honestly I am a work in progress - hope you like me the way I am now, I am working on being a better me.

(I am sorry this post is so long - I didn't have time to make it shorter).

Hey,

Maybe Fnord, Bea, and myself can start the "Blunt WP Members Club."

Did somebody say blunt club?

"Doobie Brothers" was already taken.

haw haw haw

light me up

Fnord,
Thanks for being a frequent participant on WP.
I like WP and I appreciate your service.

Excuse me while I go start
The Brother Fnord Appreciation Thread!

^ You are too quick I edited it to read "frequent participant" - you are one of the first to reply to most greeting threads so I got to thinking of you as a moderator