I wish so hard that I was NT

Post Reply New Topic

The label didn't make any difference to my social life. Kids knew about the label but they still called me names and socially rejected me all the same.

Also I think being diagnosed early meant I had no control or power over who was told. My parents told everyone; other family members, family friends, neighbours, etc. It was always "I have a daughter, she has Asperger's syndrome", instead of just "I have a daughter". Having a label made me feel like I was stupid, broken, or not human. I was the only one in my whole family, and my whole class, with a diagnosis.

For me, getting a diagnosis did not mean "she will be happier with a diagnosis, it would answer a lot of her behaviours, and she will grow up into a happy adult." Nope, that didn't work for me. I knew I was a little different before I got a diagnosis (I don't know if 'different' is the right word but I was more anxious than the other children), but it didn't bother me really. I was quite happy the way I was, and I was accepted by my classmates and wasn't lonely at all. Then all of a sudden I was forced to attend these assessments and appointments, which is rather daunting to a young child, and it was even blabbed out to the whole class so from then on I was treated differently by my classmates.

So now do you see why I feel having an early diagnosis sucks?

I do understand that there are pros and cons to both diagnosis timings, but I think personally speaking not having a diagnosis would have suited me better emotionally and even socially. Or maybe if my diagnosis wasn't revealed to so many people beyond close relatives and some staff at school, that might have helped too. I just don't like feeling defined by my diagnosis, or having it follow me everywhere for the rest of my life. But when you're diagnosed so young, you have no choice who it gets revealed to.

There are also many reasons why I so badly wish I wasn't on the spectrum. It's always been a "why me?" thing, and I was a burden on my mum when I was a teenager and early 20s, and Asperger's made me do so many embarrassing things and I get frustrated that I can't make friends with my NT peers no matter how hard I try. I think growing up in a family where having a social life was more important than anything doesn't help one accept an Asperger's/autism diagnosis either. No, I'm not blaming my family, because they've always been there for me and still are, but sometimes your environment can have an impact on how you view yourself.