How do some Aspies have successful social lives

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I'm sure there's not one deciding thing that they have and you don't; it's probably a combination of various things.

One thing that comes to mind is the saying "Grass is always greener on the other side." Maybe these other aspies don't really have it better than you and it just looks that way to you because you're depressed? People you aren't really close with don't usually show all sides of their lives to you; they could very well have lots of different problems with socializing, too.
And do those other aspies really have lots of friends? I personally know a lot of people, but I wouldn't say I have a lot of friends. When the local anime association that I'm a member of has a hang out night, I go there (as an official, paying member I always get an automatic invitation), but it's not like the people present that I "hang out with" are my friends. In fact, I don't even know (or more like remember; I've got prosopagnosia) most of their names! Often me being there is that I go through my phone or read a book and throw in a comment or two in to some conversation if I know about the topic, but that's about it. There are some exceptions when people start doing something or talking about something that is in the area of my strengths, and on those rare times I really enjoy myself and feel like a part of the group. If someone happened to see me only during those rare times, they would likely mistakenly assume me to be a solid part of the group. Could it be that some of the times you've seen other aspies surrounded by friends have been these kinds of rare lucky moments for them?

Another is that aspies tend to do better (than they usually do) in social interactions related to their special interests. If an aspie can interact about something like that with someone, then that same person could be more forgiving of their social blunders in other situations since they've already seen that the aspie can handle themselves in the right environment.

Maybe the other aspies you know have more severe symptoms than you, which makes people sense that they're somehow "not normal" and thus be more forgiving of their blunders than they'd be of the blunders of someone normal because they already sensed something was off, but you seem more normal than these other aspies and don't trigger the same alarms in NT brains, so when you mess up, NTs don't think "this odd person did something odd, as expected" like they do with those other aspies but "this normal person did something odd, which is unexpected so it makes me uncomfortable" instead.

...Am I the only one who thinks this sounds rather NT? I mean, I prefer writing precisely because then I don't need to control my tone of voice or body language or whatever and worry about the messages that people will look from them despite there often being none in the first place. This happens sometimes with writing too of course, even here on WP, but not nearly as much.



Those (among aspies) who interrupt people a lot aren't usually bad listeners; we often interrupt people because we often miss the nonverbal thing that signals when someone's finished talking and when they're actually still going to continue... there was this aspie guy in my class in junior high that the teacher always yelled at for interrupting (in not so formal situations where we didn't have to raise a hand to get a permission to talk.) I didn't intervene back then because I didn't have the right words, but if I could go back to those times, I'd point out to our teacher that he's not doing it out of bad manners but because he can't catch the social cue.



That's actually an interesting question; is the lack of cure and treatment because it's impossible, or because it hasn't been researched enough? I could see why it would be the later; autism doesn't kill, and the most harm it brings tends to go the autistic people themselves, so the majority doesn't have to deal with any consequences.

But if some kind of cure/meds were made, they'd need people on the spectrum to test it on. Would you volunteer? I know I wouldn't; I have enough pills and their side effects as is.

I like this explanation. Thank you.
This has actually made me feel so much better about myself.



Well...I don't have much trouble with social cues. Many social issues of mine are due to impulsivity (ADHD). The only cues I may sometimes have trouble with is if I should follow someone or not. Like when I first started a volunteer job one time, one of the other volunteers was standing outside and I thought she was waiting for me, to take me to the office or show me around or something, being so she walked inside after greeting me and I ended up following her because I thought that was what she wanted me to do. Then when we got to a different room I stood awkwardly waiting for her to say or do something with me, instead she just said "do you want something?" Uh, bad first impression for sure.


No way, because then I might be named in the media and I do not want the whole world knowing I have ASD! I would do it anonymously though.

I don't want to argue with your pain, because that's not usually helpful. But, do you really think neurotypicals are that capable? I didn't think so as a kid and don't now. You should see the people I work with. They're great at presenting themselves as together, but I think that's rarely the case.

Well, people on this board usually say "socialising is like breathing to neurotypicals" so it must be a breeze apparently.

Joe sweetheart

you are fine as you are

you are funny and interesting

it OK that you are not nt

They're good at being NTs. Like we're good at being us. What people call socializing applies to them. Autistic people have their own ways of socializing, too.

And people on this board also think they have to be a certain height to get women, or be bullies to get women, and so on.

Spending too much time around NTs might also lead your self-esteem to plummet. I know it can with mine. Don't hold yourself up to a false standard. You're great.

YMMV but when i was on strattera [atomoxetine] i felt subjectively "normal" for the first time in my life.

This may be a bit off topic, but some ASD people are able to cultivate a personality “style” that complements their natural ASD traits. The prime example of this is Andy Warhol. Check out a documentary about him and see how he transformed himself from an over-eager, unattractive loser who everyone made fun of into the coolest man in New York. And he did this *before* he was famous by tweaking his natural shyness into a cool reserve. He couldn’t communicate well? He became damn near monosyllabic. He seemed unintelligent, he portrayed himself as having no depth and no ideas! He also accepted everyone, the drug addicts, the drag queens, the down and out. He created a scene around himself from nothing, for the dregs of society. It is pretty interesting as a case study.

This is a great example . Though, he did get shot by one of those dregs

I guess I neglected to mention that part, haha! Interesting the social dynamic he created. Because of his inability to connect and his vague boundaries people actually felt entitled to money and love from him. They were not happy when he could not deliver. Valerie Solaris took her vengeance it to extremes. I’m a huge fan of Warhol, I used to carry around a tape recorder in high school after reading about Warhol’s “wife” (AKA his tape recorder). What a genius…the concepts he created were so ahead of their time.

Shyness also plays a part, although I'm not as shy as I used to be though. I used to almost go mute when I was around people I didn't know very well or weren't comfortable with (not selective mutism though, just shyness). Now I'm not like that any more, I'm more relaxed and I try to chat if I can, but I suppose I've still got shyness in my personality. So to other people I just come across as a shy NT.

I still love Fireblossom's response by the way.

Imagine if I could get famous by painting a Campbell’s soup can

Agreed! Would love to see how he would depict today's celebrities. Social media has certainly made his "15 minutes of fame" prediction true

what is a successful social life?

I truly feel like one can be socially "successful" if one is happy with one or two good friends---if they don't set out to deliberately offend people....and if they seek to correct themselves when one is not deliberately offensive. And if one is at least superficially friendly to people in the street who greet them.

By some measures, I'm not "socially successful." I don't have a bunch of "friends" with whom I party frequently. I don't even go to parties unless I'm forced to.

But all this really doesn't matter if you are a decent person to most or all folks you encounter.

I cannot speak for others, so . . .

• I lowered my expectations.  A friend who is always there with a hug, a smile, and soft words of encouragement would be great; but a friend who can be relied upon for honest (yet painful) advice is also good.

• I broadened my standards.  Going from "A friend is someone who likes me for our similarities" to "A friend is someone who likes me in spite of our differences" was difficult; but worth the effort.

• I express my anger constructively.  No profanity, no threats, and no insults.  Just make it known I am displeased and walk away.  Of course, resorting to physical means in self-defense is another matter.

• I stopped being dependent.  Defining my sense of self-worth by the friends I had only served to deteriorate my sense of self-worth.  Now my self-worth depends only on my own accomplishments, and not on how many people like me.

• I stopped complaining.  Nobody likes a whiner.  Even those who constantly encourage and compliment the whiner are really hoping he or she would either stop whining or just go away.  Instead of complaining, I make jokes because people like to laugh.

• I developed my own interests.  Not many people share all of my interests; but all my friends seem to appreciate the rare interests I have.

• I learned to listen.  Smiling, nodding my head, and not talking while someone else rambled on about themselves was a hard thing to do; but people appreciate a good listener.

• I developed a few talents.  Musical instruments (flute, piano, violin) and ballroom dancing (waltz, anyone?).  Active participation at wedding receptions has elevated me from "That weird guy in the corner" to "That eccentric musician on the dance floor", and gets my wife and I invited out more often than before.

The sad part is that I had to make these decisions consciously and work on them deliberately, unlike what NTs seem to do -- just float through life becoming ever more popular without effort.

Anyway, that is about all there is.