What the hell is wrong with me?

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To continue with your metaphor-

Perhaps- if you have the value of not stealing, and it is strong- it would be worth developing empathy in support of this value?

But how the hell do I just get empathy?

Um. . well. . if I'm not mistaken, the word "develop" implies a process. . .


Here are some things I would try, if I were you-

Identify characteristics of your own that you can generalize- for instance, you have a fondness for your iguana; a lot of people get quite attached to their pets. I'm guessing there will be a decent number of these, if you start looking; most everyone can appreciate not wanting to, say, go hungry, or get beaten or raped.

Focus on the easy cases, first- maybe just empathizing with people who's dogs have died. Spend time thinking and maybe writing about how they must/might/seem to feel, and how that is similar to how you would feel, if you were them. You can work on expanding it from there. Do not dwell or focus on the situations you can't yet empathize in; they will diminish as time goes on.

You may also wish to practice kindness; find situations in which you have some empathy, or in which you can imagine having empathy. Try volunteering, perhaps- a soup kitchen, a homeless shelter, an adult literacy program. . . and without lying to anyone, do your best to behave as if you had a great deal of empathy towards the people who you serve.


The goal is to see yourself as a part of a larger pattern of motivations and responses in which almost all of humanity takes some part. . . it is in the context of that pattern that morality makes any sense at all. . .

And I might add that if you did not already, to some degree, see yourself as part of that pattern, you would have no desire to develop empathy. . .

In my sleep deprived state, that sounds like a lot of gibberish.
I will read it again tomorrow after I get some rest.
Thanks in advanced for the, what looks like helpful advice.

Get over it, pansy.

Just kidding. But Mr. Mark is dead on about the emotional investment. You never had a chance to interact with her on here so you didn't know her at all, of course you don't really care. If you did get a chance to know her, I'm sure that would be different.

If you want advice on how to empathize, here is what I think the best way is: you have to be a little bit creative and assume that the person who is talking about their problems isn't getting it all out. Assume that they aren't describing their problems in their full force, they probably aren't.

If you don't think that will work I recommend that you think about the problems you have that you haven't managed to explain to other people properly. If you have problems that you think other people don't understand then it should be easy to imagine that that can happen to other people.

Thats exactly how my mind used to work, about a year before I was your age, but I started thinking that way a few years after half your age. So yeah, I definetly know what you mean. I still think there are some parts of me that are like this, only Im not so full of myself anymore. I remember I also used to think I was this superbeing that was infinetly "higher" than everyone else, and all other humans were lower than s**t. I hated everyone, especially those of the rhp (which I still do). I was convinced that I was pure evil and a monster, and Ive got to admit, I really was. Or at least thats the kind of violent thoughts I had, and got pleasure from. I dont hate everyone anymore, and when I was able to accept the fact that I have AS it made it easier for me to understand that Im not the "big guy" I thought I was. It helped me face my problems and realize that if anything, I was the weak one. I mean, I hate complaining but sometimes problems are the only thing I have to talk about, unless something good happens, which is pretty much never. Once I finally get my life straightened out I wont have anything sh***y to talk about, I just know it. Because my severe depression warped into monsterous anger, I was convinced that I was stronger, and more powerful. (again, BS). It made me have the illusion though that I had this "protective shell" that kept me from hurting, but that wasnt even true. I was just hurting, and angry, it was that simple. But I blinded myself. I had NO remorse, I could brutally mutilate someone if I didnt fear the law, and just laugh it off like it was nothing. And far worse things, whatever. Thankfully I had some control though. I didnt even have many small problems and complained about those, what I had were big ones at the time. I admit they are significantly smaller these days, but Im still tender and weak in this way. Now I know that Im hurt easily, and try to find more healthy ways to deal with it. Most importantly I was able to eventually grow some empathy, which Ive been able to put to good use. It doesnt make me a pansy, and if someone sees me for the first time, they just dont "f**k" with me, as the expression goes. I know there is more to me, and will be more to me when I somehow turn up in a healthy environment.. Until that time I will continue to live in discomfort, and possibly throw out a complaint or two.. We shall see what the future beholds..
But if your still not convinced Im not a pansy maybe you should read some of the lyrics I used to write..

Well I just took a 6 hour nap and I am feeling exponentially better, except my muscles are still sore as hell, anyway:

Maybe I am not the only one who didn't know who the hell this person was but I feel like I am the only one who thinks they were weak and cowardly and s**t, I am just pissed off about the whole situation and everybody crying over it. I mean, how is it that between me and somebody who apparently had more friends than I ever will and more to live for and was just better off than me in every damn way, I am the one who never even considered offing myself? If I painted the wall with my brains right now, who would give a damn or have anything good to say about me? Maybe like 3 people, and thats pretty much it, but you don't hear me being a little p**** about it.
Well I think I should shut up now before I sound like an even bigger a**hole than I do already.
But anyway, I guess I'll try to remember what you said the next time I feel pissed off about somebody I hear complaining, but as far as in this case, considering what I just said, considering what everybody said, I don't think it is possible to feel sorry for anyone here. Still, your advice is very helpful, so thanks.
So as for username88:
Wow, you sound like you had it even worse than I do. At least I don't feel like the only one now.
I guess there is one thing I can empathize with, you sound like at least in this particular situation, you sound like you have, or had it worse off than I do. I guess I shouldn't always think of the whole situation, just focus on specific parts. Like instead of thinking I would rather be you for all the problems I have, I will just think I am better off than you in this category, and then I can feel empathy or something.

Yog, empathy is not the same as sympathy.

Sympathy says to me "I'm fine, but I feel sorry for you". Yuck. Not one of my favourite words.

Empathy says "I know what it feels like to feel pain, and even if I'm not feeling it now, I remember when I once felt like that".

If you can identify with what someone is feeling, you can look back and think about what you would have liked someone to do or say when you were feeling like that and then act accordingly.

Yeah, I knew that, at first, I just got the two confused in that last post. I really had the same problem with both of them, it has always been impossible for me to feel sympathy for somebody when I hear about their problems and I would still do anything to switch places with them. Then I can't feel empathy for them because I feel like they are being a over dramatic p****. But GoatOnFire's advice might help me with that part.
Either way I feel empathy for username guy cause he had the same problem I do.
I think this wont be the last time I confuse sympathy and empathy, they seem so much alike to me.

I have the opposite problem from you in that I feel empathy with others so strongly that it's often incapacitating. But maybe opposites are not so different?

To me, empathy is about the ability to imagine myself in the other person's situation. To ask the question "If that were happening to me, what would I be feeling?" Do you find yourself able identify emotions in other people? To that extent, can you identify them in yourself?

What makes you feel happy?
What makes you feel sad?
What makes you feel alone?
What makes you feel angry?

Identify emotions in people? Are you high? I'm not a mind reader.
I don't even know what the f**k I am feeling half the time, its usually not good though, sometimes I feel really good s**t that I can't describe or I don't know what it is, but that is usually just when I hear a really damn good song that aligns with my current mood perfectly.
But, s**t, now I am just confused as hell about all this, I'm starting to forget what empathy is again, I don't know what the f**k it feels like, maybe I never felt it? Maybe I just need to take a deep breath and calm down, I tend to get overwhelmed and shut down in a fit of panic extremely easily, like when there is more than one thing at a time I am struggling to understand.
Ima go to sleep and try again when I wake up.

I think that might be where you're getting stuck then. If you struggle to know what you are feeling yourself, then it's going to be very very difficult for you to know what other people feel, and that cripples you for empathising with them because you can't empathise with something that you're blind to.

But you seem to be doing well with identifying your emotions in the post you just typed. You say you're confused, anxious and overwhelmed. That's a good place to start. When I read that, I then started thinking about how it feels for me when I'm confused, anxious and overwhelmed. (this is where I become unstuck, because at this point my empathy goes haywire and I start actually experiencing what you're feeling, rather than 'simply' empathising with it)

Maybe a good place to start is with yourself. Try to notice what emotions you're feeling and consciously name them. Once you've named them, try to identify how those emotions are making you behave. Once you can do that, it's easier to see the same behaviours in other people, which will give you clues to how they feel, which in turn will lead to the ability to empathise with what they're feeling. This will probably be very hard to start with, but it does get easier with practice in time if you keep trying.

Sleep well. I hope you feel better soon.

I was gonna respond, but I was getting more and more anxious and tense as I wrote and tried to explain what I was thinking. There are too many thoughts, its like my brain still doesn't get it but it is struggling to come up with a solution quick so it is throwing a hundred thoughts at me and telling me to make something of it.
F**k, I just need to go to sleep right now, I shouldn't've even wrote this.
Be back in 8 hours to figure this out when my mind is in better shape.

I can definetly relate to that.

Aright I'm back and I think I kinda get it now.
If I don't know how I feel myself, then it would be hard for me to empathize with people cause I can't relate if I don't know what it feels like, right?
So far I got that down I guess, but I'm not sure about the rest.