I think that I am not going to make it.

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Kurtz, if I said the opposite of what you said about my sister, and insisted that this was happening at the same time, we would both be absolutely right. This is why I can always come up with a way to defend my sister at the same time that I am complaining about her excruciatingly poor behavior. Ambiguity screws me up and it screws me up a lot more if someone has some way to prevent me from resolving it. That is a classic method for exerting control over another person's life. The perpetrator creates an ambiguous situation and then subtly or less than subtly controls when and how each crisis is resolved. So I'm talking both about ambiguity and about manufactured crises.

Maybe I was thinking in some way morally when I mentioned that I shouldn't let myself get so down, but the reason to be up is so that I will have the use of my own power.

I have to make my own decisions. I am responsible for only so much in the relationship. I agreed to do certain reasonable things and I shall do them even when it costs me. Then I shall decide what is reasonable to contribute and contribute that. It is already working. I also have to take care of my money better and myself, so I am reducing spending on nonessentials and thinking carefully. One thing to keep in mind is the fact that even if I were living in an apartment my expenses would have a certain upper limit. I have to actually count the money that I give to live here. I've picked a certain amount and I am going to see how that flies. Just pray the car holds together.

Kurtz, your mother and sister sound like real pieces of work. I'm thinking, if it were me, I'm willing to risk their suicides. If it's not pretense the world is probably better off without them. I am thinking of myself and the fact that I have to give myself a better chance to get off the ground with my own life and projects. Right now I have to learn how to (metaphorically speaking) juggle nitroglycerin. And they're just going to have to keep screwing with me and watching it bounce off because I don't think they're bad anymore, just pathetic.

The way people manipulate each other just sucks. You know why vices exist? It's because drinking, gambling, smoking marijuana, and having wild sex are better ways to use one time than playing the morality game. I'm not at all sure that I am moral, although I have a sense of the rightness of things. I am not concerned so much about what my neighbors do. I am concerned about what I do and whether it is a good use of my time and other people's time. I believe in the right of others to pursue happiness within very broad limits, and I am willing to put my money where my mouth is on that, maybe sometimes too willing. So my morals include individual liberty, respect for life, and respect for the happiness of others.

But then I have to learn how to defend myself so that I also may pursue life, liberty, and happiness.

The trick they've pulled is to make us think that the moral consideration that we afford to them is not for us as well.

Good man.

Just hashing it over again. We have had a couple of years during which I could have saved enough money to buy a new transmission for my car if she had been working. We have another couple of years that could become a very successful couple of years if she starts working. Instead she applies just enough drag to my finances that if I am going to save any money I am going to have to risk physical death of heart attack or other problems by working two jobs. Last night on the way home I had blurry vision and greyed out on the drive home.

I don't know what it is going to take for her to wake up and smell it. It's just not going to happen, I have to assume and stipulate that. I can pin absolutely no hopes on the idea that she is going to do anything to earn money. All that I can pin hopes on is the fact that I know about how long I am going to be allowed to live here.

God I hate this game.

She needs to understand that I intend to help her and to cooperate but without her help the resources do not exist for me to carry out any such intentions.

It's the same psycho s**t, always with my family. A person who lives with his or her parents or other relatives can't save up money and then leave with some money. He has to leave destitute and at a whim. The "supporting" relative has to take him for every penny that he or she can get. There can't seem to be a working relationship in which the work is shared and the expenses are shared, not anymore.