Graelwyn - Please remember that you did NOT deserve for this to happen to you. I have been betrayed/violated too (different circumstances, same version)....I know the desperation. I still feel the pain but it does become less acute with time, I promise. Someone once told me, "Be nice to yourself, do something good for yourself for once." I think this might be good advice! And, you cannot change your feelings. If you love him still, then you do.
Can you try to do something, anything constructive, to distract yourself (within the limits of reality)? I cannot imagine how sick/hurt you must feel....I am so sorry.
I know! I'll send you an imaginary virtual bouquet of Alaskan wildflowers in your favorite color, ok? True, the snowfall has covered the ground deeply here, but we can pretend. Do you like forget-me-nots (periwinkle), twin flowers (white), fireweed (magenta colored stalks), lupins (deep violet), and dogwood (dainty yelllow flowers)? Why don't you send yourself some flowers? Try not to be sad for the holiday. You do matter to us, if that counts.
duncansbass said for you to rest - that always does help. Hot tea?
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The ones who say “You can’t” and “You won’t” are probably the ones scared that you will. - Unknown