I want the courage to take my life

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Hope in the haven topic

I read your last post, Graelwyn. I can read you seem better. Maybe you and Ana can find some common canvas lots to talk about.

Keep in touch.

Oh, Graelwyn!

I've just read this & I feel really bad for you.

I understand what you mean about not wanting to take medication as I have always refused to do this myself.

Trust me, you are definitely thin enough, you do not need to lose any weight.

And have you considered that the reason you are finding it hard to concentrate on anything, and are getting so obsessed, is probably because your blood sugar is so low from not eating? That can really be mind-altering, at least it is for me. It is like a vicious circle. Unless you are hearing voices, it is much more likely to be down to this than schizophrenia.

If it is totally impossible for you to start eating properly, I really think that you need to consider seeing a doctor.

You can get out of this, honestly. You just need to find the place to start.

Hi again.

Good to hear you're trying to set up something to see someone. I wouldn't worry too much about a drastic mental diagnosis, it's very possible to get trapped by this without also being schizophrenic.

I'm 5'9", possibly bordering on underweight according to BMI but probably just on the thin side now I'd imagine. I don't weigh myself anymore. If I'm around a scale, I don't use it more than once or twice a month. This may speak to my lack of control, but I need to set this rule for myself and I'm ok with that. I also have wide hipbones, too. This also used to make me feel terrible, but I got over it.

Just as a temporary block for my OCD, I used to have to cope by shoving my blanket around my legs so I couldn't feel or see them. Do you think maybe, as a last resort, something like that might work for you? Just so your mind can relax for a few hours?

I know I still used that "blanket method" just so I could fall asleep until about a year ago. It was irrational, unconventional, and rather unconvenient for my boyfriend at the time. But it would allow me to stop obsessing, so it was worth it.

Things can get better.

For me I find there is always an obsessiveness in my mind and there is always some behaviour I use to cope.. if I stop one behaviour another will start!

I wish I knew how to stop it. Anyway, remember that you are not alone...

Graelwyn, I find that if I don't eat enough lean protein (and a little thinly sliced, very fat free red meat, more meat than chicken or fish for some reason) I have a tendency to get really wierd...moods fly so hard it seems like one half of my brain is watching the other slip right out of control...my logical side Knows I don't want to harm myself, but the emotional side wholly overwhelms it.
Also, oddly enough, pumpkin and sunflower seeds help too,...something about serotonin absorption in the brain being affected by these foods.
Its not a cure-all, but sometimes, getting a handle on the protein levels in the diet can take the edge off of the absolute worst of that all engulfing, thick smoke of pain.

I sometimes felt that my frame made it impossible for me to get thin either. I'm built in this way where I wouldn't look underweight even if I was. Oh well, at least it would help me pass selections at Auschwitz.

My bone structure means that even if underweight, I would struggle to get into some uk Size 8s...simply because of my hips.
It really angers me greatly.

Is it helpful that some catwalk models are like a size USA 00? No. It makes me sick.

I want to get down to 124 and then I might stop, depending on what I see and what I fit.

I am not starving myself , I eat ok, especially fish, fruit, vegetables, chocolate mousse and low calorie cerial bars, but I do cycle on my exercise machine an hour every night and do some other exercises.

If I bend even slightly, I can feel my spine sticking out a long way and I can feel those 2 bones on either side of the cocyx, but I still find some clothes tight around the hips.

I am trying to care less about it, and rationalise that no one sees my clothing labels or weight anyways, but it is hard.

I have bad days and good days. Last night was a good one...tonight is bad and I got upset over my quilt not sitting flat without dents.

I got upset because a pair of USA size 6 denim shorts are not big... afterall, I am in size 4s in other things.

Tonight, to save any misery, I am wearing a baggy pair of mens jogpants.

I'm sorry, but there's no courage to take one's own life. Only cowardice. Suicide is one of the most selfish things one can do. What you must first do is take off your blinders and see who you would hurt if you were to end your life.

hello Graelwyn,
I wonder what you have been eating lately . . .if anything . . .
It sounds to me like you vould be reacting to stuff that you are eating or maybe its your hormones giving you grief.
Do you fancy a trip to west cork for a holiday.?
You could spent some time by the sea with crazy me and my gorgeous ps2 obsessed son?
This is a serious offer. . . .

Heh, I have not been on a holiday in 13 years.
I always wished to see Ireland.
But I do not know I could do it right now, at this time as I need to build up the courage to travel... I believe it is by boat or by plane to get there?
But if the offer is still there in a few months time and if I am stable enough, I would love to

Graelwyn , we could try to make it really easy. I would collect you this side of the water and we would take care of you , do loads of head friendly things . . .we do anyway. Its beautiful here .
I am just about to get a few thousand euro back pay, so I will even pay for your ferry or flight and give you some pocket money. . It is only a short journey and you just need someone to put you on at that end and we will meet you at this.
The neuro typicals here are driving me to distraction and I would love to spend some time with someone who sees it all a bit like I do.
Please do think seriously about it . . .
I will let you know when my cash arrives.
Check out the flights etc. They cost less than you think. Check out ferries too.
What do you have to lose when you are feeling so down? A change is as good as a rest.

Graelwyn, I just had a look at flight costs with Aer Aerran, one way inclusive is less than 20 euro.
Find a travel bag . . . .it would take less courage than organising a suicide I think and could be a lot more fun.
You can p m me to discuss the details and get my phone number,
It is an adventure . . .

Graelwyn,

What you have is called anorexia nervosa, it's a tough call, it's never going to be easy, but you CAN beat it, and you will...

...and I cannot think of a better way to start than some time in West Cork. It is heavenly there, and usually remarkably warm at this time of year (I think the gulf stream comes close or something).

If you are going to get over here, if you like, I'll make it my business you get as close as I can by train, and you, me and Tiger Lily can have a meal together...

...and you can admire my fabulous figure after losing 5 stone of REAL overweight in two stages...

I am a 12-14 (admittedly very tall so that would be a 10-12 for anyone else), all I have left to do is tone up properly. Even I know I look fantastic and you need to be the same shape as me, and you need to learn to love yourself that way.

I once met a woman with anorexia in Galway...she looked awful, like a shrivelled up mummy...15 minutes later she was dead.

There was no dignity in that, no achievement, and it WAS NOT acceptable...

Her wonderful weaving and tapestries that she was showing to us were achievements, not her death.

You also need to learn more rational and effective ways of feeling in control of your life than "willpower workouts" to starve yourself to the edge of death.

But, for now, you need to have a break in Ireland, and meet some new friends.

M

I was diagosed with anorexia when I was 17.
I was at 5 stones at my worst and did almost die.
Until now, I have mostly managed it since I was 25 or so.
I had to work hard to get off laxatives and stop making myself sick when I ate.

But recently, it has come to absorb me again, especially when I am alone in my apt, and especially since getting into a net relationship with someone in a different country.

I am not clinically underweight.
I am hovering on the border of being underweight for my height but I honestly dont look it, not to me.

I would like to come to Ireland, but right now, I am too afraid to break my routine and face my flying phobia.
I think also that it would be running away...and I would end up back to where I was once I got back into this environment.

So Graelwyn,

You have come a LONG way and achieved a lot already (particularly in conquering bulimia - RESPECT), now you are going to have to achieve more, and learn to love yourself at an healthy weight...

How tall are you?

I can honestly relate to responding to a relationship by retreating into weight control. To be honest with you, this 2nd phase of my dieting helped me immensely in coping with an intense emotional relationship that was just more than I (or either of us) could handle.

Looking back, the most terrifying part was that I had finally met someone I stopped thinking, and reacted on feeling alone around. I survive by suppressing feelings and thinking my way through life (not just AS, also the legacy of childhood abuse, and other stories).

It's supposed to be healthy to act spontaneously on your feelings, but the trouble was I couldn't stop doing that and start thinking again...and I literally couldn't do the most basic things I needed to do to survive in that state. THe only thing I can compare it to was losing control of my car, years ago, on thick snow...

On minute I was driving my car, in control, it responded to my touch as usual, the next the car is perforiming this sweeping arc all over the road independent of my hands and feet.

I came to no harm, but all I could do was sit in my car at the side of the road shaking, until a very nice young cop pulled alongside and literally talked me down.

...so there I was...happier with, and because of, another human being than I ever knew it was possible to be, and it was all "looking good" - and yet genuinely wanting to die unless I could get that GOOD feeling under enough control to be able to think and function again.

Does that make any sense to you? Or can you relate to any of it?

A couple of bottles of vodka helped, and sticking to the brutal diet that is the only way I can lose weight, helped to reinforce my sense of control...but I recognised that, in other circumstances that could have been VERY unhealthy indeed.

How do you think your net relationship might be affecting you? Is there anything you could do to change or improve that in a healthier way than through weight control and suicide ideation?

...and if you think there is you might help me a lot dealing with my feelings by explaining.

...and if you are afraid of flying, take the ferry, then all you have to be afraid of is breaking your routine...I can relate...but right now it seems to me that your routine is toxic to you, and needs a little shaking up.

M