Suicide - general discussion, thoughts and advice?

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I don't know depression has always been a struggle for me. I think that and alcoholism runs in the family.

I've even had NTs in the family attempt suicide so I wonder if it isn't genetic. I've done more shares while under the influence. The last time was the first time I wasn't under the influence so now I'm having to get help for it even though there are many many days I don't feel suicidal or have those thoughts. They just come randomly like a volcano exploding.

I can sort of see how depression and having poor social skills can come hand in hand with suicidal thoughts. I guess not every aspie here thinks about it or copes with depression in a different way. I think even for those not diagnosed with major depression that it can still be frustrating for aspies....especially when it's too hard to find the right words or express what you are feeling. I notice my emotions even when depressed come off as flat...sometimes I don't even cry or express any concerns but try to deal with it myself.

*bump*

Im going on holiday in 10 mins but I thought I would bump this before I left as I wanted to talk on this subject again.

Ive been having a particularly bad few weeks regarding suicide and suicidal thoughts. Ive been doing a lot or reading about suicide on the net and kind of ruminating on it at great length. Ive found this very cathartic and theraputic and a useful tool for enableing me to cope with the stress at the moment.

Its like death is always standing over my shoulder tempting me. I just feel such a draw to end it all and turn it all off. I feel such a sence of not belonging and seperateness from everyone. This is only highlighted when I spend time with people rather than releived.

Ive been trying also to do things to make me more commited to liveing like signing up for more study courses for the autumn. I saw a councillor but I just felt worse about myself. Thats also a difficulty that myself reflected back to me in others eyes is so negative and makes me so full of shame and hatred at myself. But also if people do like me it doesnt help as it makes me think that they do not know me or understand me and I feel I have to be secretive round them so as to keep up the good impression that I have made.

Its very difficuilt having these haunting thoughts that others often dont understand, and its hard as talking about it upsets people and I end up having to comfort them or lie to cheer them up. Its very difficult.

Be back next saturday- so no worries folks

Just to add, I relate to a lot of comedians like Kenneth Williams and Franky howard who appeard very happy but in their real life were full of sadness and dispair.

I think this is an important point, the cheerfulness is acting, a front or persona. People do not get to know the real me and therefore can not boost my self esteem by likeing me and if they do like me it only reinforces the use of personas/fronts.

Im sure this sort of use of personas comes from having un loving parents who exercize conditional love (rather than unconditional), I have a very critical mother. I think also with the autism, people give very negative feedback to oneself as a child so a more 'NT' or cheerful/fun persona gets over a lot of the social awkwardness.

Its very interesting how many performing people die of drink or suicide, I will look into it on my return.

Not two weeks ago I attempted suicide. When I get overwhelmed and breakdown sometimes it will eventually pass other times I need comfort to get it to pass. I realized that long ago and that time I couldn't get the comfort needed and I just became more and more overwhelmed by the situation. I am not sure I would say it was a depression that caused it though.

I feel depressed most of the time nowadays...but I'm sure I would never actually try to kill myself. I wouldn't dare, and anyway, I haven't been to Italy or Slovenia yet!

So yeah, I guess there's a few things reminding me that life is worth living, but they're all in the very distant future. Right now, mentally, I couldn't be further from Italy OR Slovenia. My mind is in Siberia.

I constantly wish myself dead these last few years. In addition to Asperger's syndrome, I also have Gender Identity Disorder. Being treated as male all the time just makes me hate myself more. I feel trapped.

My friends say they accept my gender issues, but I don't think they really do. They still treat me like a guy friend.

I don't have much reason to live anymore. I don't have much to look forward to - the hormones I've been taking for a year now don't seem to do enough to make me look anything like a woman.

I feel very lonely, despite having friends. I need affection, not just friendship. I can't get affection when only straight girls and gay guys would be interested, and they'd push me away by treating me as a guy in the relationship.

My suicide attempts were not from depression but from social phobia. I think it is often our poor communication skills that get us into this bind where we think suicide is the only option.

...(ugh, double post. WP is sooo slow lately)

It tends to be something I have in the back of my mind as a last resort. I do often get this unfortunate feeling that if I put everything on the scale it just doesn't add up or seem worth the struggle and there's nothing I can do to convince myself otherwise. I've never really been at a point where I actually thought up a plan though. When I get extremely depressed I don't really have the energy to plan anything. It's like my head is in a heavy fog.

I think its just a matter of time until I attempt suicide. The only thing that is stopping me is the small glimmer of hope that i might find the perfect women and that i know it would devastate my mother. My mother is bad with death, she has cried when people she doesnt know have died so i dont know what would happen if i went through with it while she is still alive. I wouldnt consider myself suicidal because as long as my mother and father are alive i wouldnt do such a thing to them.

I should already be dead but ive survived death twice, and now im not afraid of death. Its weird not being scared of death anymore because i remember what it felt like. But truthfully i would never want to have my neck slit, when i was younger i was attacked by a wolf and it bit my neck. I have never felt a greater fear than running away from the wolf clutching my neck with blood pouring out not knowing if i was going to see my loved ones again. Luckily it missed my major arteries by a few centimeters. Now im just waiting for my time to come so i can be free from the torment of my own head.

you are a lovely person lotus.

I heard of a guy who shot himself in the head and is now useless, a vegetable in a nursing home. They kill people in vegetative states out of mercy in nursing homes when those people hadn't even attempted dsuicide or even indicated that if they were in a vegetative state they would want to be killed, but because it is thought that that is what they would want they do it. Yet when it's obvious that a vegetable wanted to die-- how they became a vegetable in the firsty place was due to a suicide attempt-- they don't let the person die.

The only reason I haven't done myself is because of not knowing a next to painless and kind of instant way of killing myself. The best thing I could think of is jumping in front of a train, though I'm still having second thoughts. I want to see how getting into college (If I even get in) would go, or If I ever get a good job which I'm not so confident about.

When I feel fine or less depressed I kind of just wished that I would get in a car accident (me being the victim) and get my spinal cord injured, become a paraplegic, sue, get money, and live happy the way I want to; just sitting in front of the computer or TV doing what I like best, playing games and watching movies alone... I usually think of my self as immature or childish to wish that stuff but what are you gonna do when that's all you been doing your whole life and that's possible what you'll do your whole aspie life.

It's just so many burdens besides being an aspie that I have to carry and my life is already horrible as it (in the eyes of the 'normal' people), with the same routine everyday and nothing new happening but new bad memories and humiliation my mind records which further depress me since that's what my mind is mostly full of, bad memories/experiences. I have nothing to lose anyway but my mom's happiness, and that's another reason why I haven't done it. I have nothing to look up to, no kids, no wife, my sisters could probably careless and my father, who I haven't call 'dad' since the day I was born for whatever reason wouldn't care either. Hopefully something good will come to me one day, the way things are going, I only have a few years of life, if not months.

I personally never had attempted the action. But I did make a fictional joke using cartoon animation making the joke on my show that I attempted it but chickened out last minute 100 years into the future. It was a joke but the audience didn't take it well. I was practicing Gallows Humor but..............well someone thought that the cartoon newscast was a real suicide threat. The cops came to my house to let us know that someone was concern...................

No one can take a joke anymore. I got so angry that I took my show off of public access TV and plan to continue the program on the internet in the fall.