I hate autism and the world and everything

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I can certainly understand that- although being a teacher (former music teacher) I'm all about education. I'm constantly explaining asd, hyperlexia, and ADD to anyone who asks, or if I feel that they have a reason to know, and I've found (at least in the area I live in) that people are very receptive. ASDs are very much in the forefront at this time, most people have heard of it but really don't understand it- and they should because there are lots of us out there. You might want to give it a shot, but again, I understand if you don't feel you should.

I love it all!

Ah I really empathise with you Sora, and others who have such problems.

I might be wrong, because I don't know you personally, but I feel that part of your difficulty with your Autism comes from the fact that other people in the world refuse to be understanding and supportive. That is why the things that could be far less problematic, actually make things worse for you. You may already know this.

It really f*cks me off too. I get so angry at people when they act like their way of thinking and their way of doing things is all that exists and they have no time or respect to give to others who are different.

The thing is - like you, everyone has their own personal definitions of what is normal to them. But it seems to me that you are someone who does not force your version of "normal" on to others. Sadly, many people do force their versions of normal onto others. If more people were willing to expand their minds enough to incorporate other people's realities then they could show the support and patience that you deserve, and hence your troubles would be soothed, even if not solved.

With some people, when they do learn about new things (such as AS), they still have to reduce their understanding of it to specific ideals where everything goes one way. Such as thinking all people with AS are gifted at academics, and cannot understand when they meet someone who is not good at academics. This is how we get stereotypes - like how all gay people are screaming queens.

When I first started working with people with Autism/Aspergers, the first things I learnt were the stereotypes - such as being good at maths, not being empathic, and so on. But I have and am continually opening my mind to all the possibilities of the wonderful individuals that you guys are.

Sometimes it seems easier to try follow the "normal majority" and convince ourselves that we need to change for them, and that until we do, we are no good. However in the long run, as you are finding out, it only hurts more. And it hurts when we don't get praised, especially when we think we deserve it. And you do deserve it.

So praise yourself. You might not share my belief, but I believe that if we want to RECEIVE something - we have to give it out first. So give yourself that pat on the back you deserve and make yourself see and appreciate your qualities and abilities and skills. You know who you are, you know your qualities - you know what you can do.

Much Love,
Rikki

I have a lot of problems my self with people with autism are treated better than I am. I have asperger's and I go to an agency for people with Autism, and am also in their residential program,as well. Because I am the highest functioning client and the only aspie there of the whole entire program because asperger's was considered autism at the time so I got stuck there.
well anyway, I live in one their residences, where I live in a duplex, I have my own side, and on the other side are 2 autistic men, with severe behavior disorders. Well, one of them is constantly teasing and harrassing me to the point where I have developed severe anxiety attacks if I have to go into the basement to do laundry(we share a basement) because he might be there. Everytime he encounters me, he starts trouble, and when I ask him not to, the staff yell at me and make excuses saying Gui's more disabled than you. When I say I can not help it I don't like getting teased or harrased, Gui yells in my face and says "deal with it", and staff just let him do that to me. When I complian to the managers and even the agency's head's they tell me that I am not ret*d and that I need to get over it and that Gui is disabled and I have to put up with it. Even worse, I was forced to go into the community with him and I have to share staff with him since I do not have my own and this is the only way I can go into the community. As an aspie, I love to talk to staff because I do better with staff than the peer. The problem is that Gui has issues with needing constant attention and he gets 1 on 1 at the house, even though I do not get anyone. This is my only social time with staff, or anyone, and Gui gets mad just because I am having a conversation and he is not the center of attention, so he starts getting mad at me because I am "stealing" the attention away and he yells" that is my staff, shut up, understand I have needs, and you should not get any attention". I then tell him in a calm voice that we are sharing the staff and that I feel upset and saddened that he was rude to me, and he says "deal with it". The staff then turn to me and say, "that Gui is disabled and that he can not have stress." What stress, I did not cause any stress, if anything he caused stress on me. I feel like I am Gui's punching bag, and because I am the higher functioning one, and the staff do not want to deal with him "attacking them" because he has issues with being told what to do and he will attack people, so instead, I have to allow him to hurt me.
Now I have been very socially isolated from going out in the community because I rather isolate than deal with this stress. It is causing me so much pain and anxiety, I literally "throw up" and get so stressed I have bathroom accidents, every time I have to go in my basement or hear his name. Gui has tortured me so much, that I have constant memeories and nightmares running through my head, and in order to get rid of them, I have to "talk out loud" and replay the situations, but this time I get to make them the way I needed it to end, not the way it did. I even have issues with these managers and this whole agency. My life is a living nightmare.
In the beginning and up until a few months ago, I always wished and thought If I was ret*d and autistic, instead of asperger's, maybe the staff would have done something with Gui and help stick up for me. But then I realized, that I am smart and I decided I am going to move out and find an apartment, since I did not even belong in that place(or a residential program) in the first place.

Maya

[quote="Sora"]I hate it in all those moments, when others on the spectrum get praised in my presence who have a different kind of autism.

I then question myself, whether it would be better to have that autism and not mine. Why am I stuck with that messed up set with abilities and disabilities and get told I'm so great which I absolutely hate because it's a lie. I hate lies unless I tell them.

I mean, appreciation is good. It is.

But this is so unfair.

Don't know if that makes me an egoistical prat and I don't bloody care if it does...

I'm supposed to be really hf AS right. That mean I'm supposed to be really good at a lot of things.

Look, I don't understand why a person who, say, doesn't talk gets to be so great at, say, academics.

I'm jealous.

Plain jealous.

I could throw a tantrum if I weren't so damn well in self-control even through I want to badly just bite a into my arm hard out of frustration and uproar and tears now. I hate tears, I don't understand why I can't just look angry but have that I cry when I'm feeling murderous.

And tears make me turn from murderous to really sad and freaked out now. I my mom comes into my room she's totally force me to explain why I've been such a jerk in the past 2 days on and off and why I'm crying like a madman now.

I talk, I push myself even though I struggle, I can't read those bloody faces at all and I really try hard to interact normally and all under-cover despite that and then there's the whole matter that I rather freeze and meltdown than flap my hands in public or spin or shake my head or do anything that would totally freak all those other people out.

How do you learn to stop having self-control?

If I hadn't self-control, I'd not be able to stop motor mannerism and I'd give up pretty soon with socialising. I'd be as obviously f... up as I am, thankyouverymuch.

But then people might see that I'm really trying hard and don't just do nothing.

I gotta be right next to people who're really into helping those with differences and disabilities or really interested or just nice. That ought to be a good thing.

Isn't.

They help appreciate all these people and I'm right there. People are nice to me now that I'm trying hard to be bloody normal they won't have it that I say I can't do something or won't (because I know it'll totally not work or make me meltdown).

And I don't understand why another autistic person who writes but doesn't get to talk is really good at what I totally fail at despite that everybody just says to me 'but you should be good at it'.

'You should be' - but I'm not! I'm just totally bad at it.

I mean, I am happy that they get to be so good at something, but then I also feel really jealous.

Everybody says I should be good at academics and lots of things, but all I am good at is self-control.

And that's like some cage that makes me look normal but really freaks me out.

I really wouldn't mind people laughing at me or pointing at me - they already did when I was little after all - because I'd be doing something so abnormal and obviously autistic, but then I'd tell myself that this is idiotic if I can control myself until I'm sick. But I can, right, so I should.

I can = I should.

I hate that. It's unfair that others don't have to do it and are appreciated for themselves nevertheless.

I don't understand people. It makes no sense that I'm not appreciated too. Makes absolutely no sense. I hate that, I hate it when people are mad and don't make sense to me.


I hate having AS, more then anything-its a horrible thing I have to tolerate in my day to day life
your not alone with those feelings, I have nothing good about me
no charm
no wit
no skills
I'm useless in any standard and won't ever amount to anything great

At least you have self-control. I just threw a chair across the room because the computer wasn't working.

I also recently realised that I have NOTHING that's gonna help me in life. My only talent is writing, which doesn't earn much money, and even then I apparently have to socialise to do THAT job too. That's just f**king discrimination if you ask me, that's like saying to someone in a wheelchair, "Never mind how well you do the job, stand up and start walking or nobody's ever gonna employ you ever." It's like, WTF?!

But whatever. As long as I can afford to move to Italy. Then I can be poor, depressed and in Italy, and opposed to just poor and depressed. That's an improvement, I guess.

So basically, I'm 13 and I'm already a failure. Fabulous.