angry and depressed

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thanks hermit,
i think i've held on this long because he did have long term sobriety before. at one point he had 9 years of continuous sobriety. i just don't think i can hold on any more.

the mentally handicapped couple called a bit ago to check on me. it's pretty sad that he got them drunk. then he was also "hitting" on the woman. plus i've heard from not only them but another person that he was kissing on another woman. it just kind of makes it more real that it's probably over.

now i've got to try to make plans for me and the kids and mammy. we haven't told mammy yet. don't know what i'm going to do with that one. she's so frail. i'm also afraid that once his family finds out, they'll make mammy go back to his brother's. it scares me. she was being neglected there and i'm doing everything i can to help her. and i love her dearly. she may be my mother-in-law but i love her more than my own mother and i don't want to lose her. his other brother has power of attorney, so they can legally take her at any time. we've been giving them a break because she is bedridden and needs someone with her 24/7.

then i'm going to have to take a good close look at our finances. we'll lose half our income without him. i think he will still get a check in feb because his disability won't be suspended until he serves 30 consequective days. but after that, our income will be cut in half. i know will get more food stamps, and i think my ssi will go up a little if we are separated or divorced, but i still don't know for sure what exactly i'm looking at. it'll be tight though. but i am good at playing with numbers, so i'll figure something out.

it's just so overwhelming thinking about all this stuff. isaiah (my littlest) got upset because he realized his dad wasn't going to be there for his birthday. my older son is angry, but instead of being angry with his dad he's angry at the people who called the cops. my daughter keeps it inside. d*** i hate this!! !

april

I'm really impressed with all you're doing, taking care of your kids and your mother-in-law while coping with Steve. I'm not much good with emotional support at the moment, but financially I think your SSI goes up when you are head of household and there's no guy in the house. Also, I recommend the support you can get from AlAnon. We're rooting for you and our prayers are with you.

i, like aylissa, am astonished at what you've done - getting all that sorted out in your head is just a remarkable achievement. you go, girl!

thanks, but right now i sure don't feel very strong, but feel like absolute s***.

of course he called today. he's sobered up a bit and can't believe he's back in jail. apparently it is just a pi instead of dui, so that's something, but still not good. of course now he wants me to bail him out so that he can try to talk to his probation officer monday before he goes to court to see if they will put him in the state hospital instead of jail time (his probation officer knows that he's been trying to get into the state hospital for months now).

i just can't deal with it. technically i have the money to bail him out, but if i bail him out, me and the kids are going to have a h*** of a month and i just don't want to do it. nor do i want to use mammy's money to get us through. i do my best to keep her money separate and use it for her and not us. i know that's what he's thinking though--we could use her money to bail him out and put it back next month. i just don't want to do it.

apparently too the truck wasn't impounded and is sitting somewhere at a farmer's house. i told my older son that if he wanted to get a couple of his friends that can legally drive to pick it up for us, that was okay. i just can't handle going out right now. well, actually i can't go out. my teenage daughter is working and it would take both me and benjamin (my teenage son) to pick up the truck, and then that would mean leaving mammy with isaiah and that is definitely NOT going to happen. besides, benjamin can't legally drive yet (he's a good driver--works on a farm and can drive anything, but doesn't have his license yet).

the way i see it, he can plead not guilty, and then try to contact his probation officer and see if they can work something out for him to go to richmond (the state hospital). if he does plead not guily, i could also wait to bail him out after we get paid, so he doesn't get the 30 consequective days again. if i bail him out at all.

i did leave a message with a preacher we know that has helped us out before. i'm hoping maybe he can visit steve again in the jail (he did before when steve was doing 10 days for dui) and maybe do some of this stuff that steve wants me to do. i just can't handle it all.

and then to top it all off, steve said that visiting hours were today. i said "like i want to see you right now!" i told him i would call that preacher and maybe he could visit him. i just can't handle it. it took everything i had to go in and bail him out last time. he's crazy if he thinks i'm going to come and visit him there!! ! i hate it there!! !!

and of course he can't remember hitting on the one woman and kissing the other. yeah. like it's supposed to be okay because he was drunk.

if i could scream--i would right now!! !! !! !!

april

As the brother of an alcoholic, I can say this much:

You've done all you can. You've lost the ability to help him because he's lost the ability to help himself. Only until he hits rock bottom will he really even try to reform.

There comes a point where you have to leave--for your own good as well as the kids and his mother. This is that time.

As strange as this may sound, taking up physical exercise--especially a self-defense course--would be helpful. Even if Steve is not physically abusive--and apparently he's not, unless I've missed something--you need a physical release. Martial arts is good for that, as it can give you physical and spiritual grounding.

You are doing the right thing. Never let anyone or anything cause you to doubt that. You
have the right to a happy and creative life. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hold on, aprilove. Hold on.

thanks, i'm trying.

unfortunately, he was abusive a few months back. that's normally not in his nature at all. i can only remember one other time very early in our marriage when he relapsed with the alcohol and hit me. he did get charged with domestic battery on the last incident, plus he nearly lost his arm (put his arm through a glass window and hit an artery).

i did get through to that preacher and he is going to visit with him wednesday. i think what i may do is go ahead and meet with both counselors tomorrow. we have therapy at basically the same time with two different therapists in the same office, so steve's therapist will be expecting him. i think that she can also talk to his probation officer. maybe if he is ready for richmond, they can work it out. the sad part about all of this is that he has tried on numerous occassions to go inpatient and get help and has been denied it. maybe this time will be different if both his therapist and probation officer can try to push it through.

i don't know. i am so confused and overwhelmed right now. i just wish i could close my eyes and this would all disappear, but of course that's not going to happen. guess the next best thing is for tomorrow to get here and talk with both therapists. i just don't know what else to do.

april

hang on until tomorrow, hon, although i don't know if it's unethical for steve's therapist to talk to you about him, or about the situation - not sure on that one, but you might want to be prepared for it to happen.

and good luck - let us know what happens.

hughughughughughug

Sounds like things are happening the way they're supposed to happen. Meeting with therapists tomorrow, having the therapist and PO work together, sounds like that's what should be happening. Putting it in your preacher's hands is brilliant - that's a great thing for him to do for you and your family. You have a great support system there - and you're letting them all help you. Good for you!

By the way, abuse plus alcoholic plus hitting on other women = get rid of him, IMHO. Sorry to be so blunt, but you deserve WAY better than that. So do your kids.

i'm trying to hang on until tomorrow. steve's therapist may not be able to talk to me per se, but i can talk to her and fill her in on what has happened. if she does need signed paperwork, she can probably mail it to the jail or i could drop it off. plus i think there's already signed paperwork for her and the probation officer to talk because the most important aspect of his probation was to be in therapy since he has dual diagnosis.

i don't know how much help the preacher will actually be. at least steve will get some visits though. i personally don't like to be around him (the preacher) because he always talks about going to church and it's just not in me right now (even if i could--i can't because of mammy). i send the kids to a local church where it's easier for them to catch a ride, but i don't think this guy understands that with the asperger's the so-called fellowship everyone needs does nothing but hurt me. i can get my fellowship on-line or in my writer's group (nearly all the same faith and very close-knit and i feel safe and accepted there) and actually get much more out of it.

i still feel this internal battle inside. part of me is ready chuck it all to h***, but then another part of me remembers what it was like when he wasn't using. i just don't know if that man will ever come back or if he's gone for good, lost in the alcohol and all the stuff he's trying to cover up with it. he is never like that unless he's under the influence, and in over 17 years, he's only drank maybe 6 months total. but it's like the past 5-6 years he's been missing in action. between the addiction and the psych problems, it's like he's lost himself somewhere along the way.

i'm just so confused right now. i just want bedtime to get here so i can escape from all this s***.
april

I can only offer this, and it may not be accurate. Personally, I'm done. If I drink again, ever, it'll be pulling the trigger. So perhaps that man is still inside of him. I know it's only been 2 years for me, and you said he's done 9 years sober- I know full well people can go back on their word, I may drink again. But I feel from my experience that well.... I'm sorry, I'm having a hard time finding the words-

I'd say his relapses are due to his other psych problems. If he quit drinking for 9 years, he must have been serious about it, he meant it. I can only think that his other problems bring him back to the booze.

You also said it's been getting worse the past 5-6 years- everything. To me this is further evidence of the above. The man inside may still be there, he may not be- THAT part doesn't depend on the alcohol, it depends on everything else.

I wish there were more than these stupid words. There are so many things I want to say. You express anguish over this choice, these thoughts, and it makes us all feel for you. I give you as much of myself as I am able. There is now a part of me heading to your area, full of hope and good thoughts. I wonder about this message, if it gets through properly. Hopefully you get what I was trying to say... people can be still inside, but they change too. It is important to keep in mind. You remember the past, but the present has been happening for the past few years.

You cannot know anything but yourself, and you must take care of yourself. If it was too personal, I sincerely apologize, in my own way, I'm trying to help, and I'd say it's a by a slim vote(in my head) I sent this for fear it was inappropriate. You sound like you're doing the best you can in a f*ing hard spot. One day at a time. Good luck tomorrow.

We are listening to you.

dear aprillove:

May God be between you and harm in all the empty places you must walk.

thanks for the encouragement, and no, the one post was not inappropriate at all. it reflects a lot how i am feeling too.

i battled with myself so much last night about what to do. i'm trying to stand firm in just going to therapy and talking to them. i am struggling so much right now, not just in this situation, but in everything. trying to force myself to pick up my medicine (i did call it in, so i know i will, but it's tough), then there's so many things that need to be done today just for me and the kids and i'm battling so much. i know it's because i'm under so much stress that i'm feeling overwhelmed and making the difficult things almost impossible, and for me having to run and do errands are difficult. maybe though once i am out and doing those things, it will take my mind off of everything.

i just wish this stuff was all over with. if i knew that steve was done for and not going to get better, i would give up too, but it's so hard when he's done it before. i just hate the situation i'm in right now.

april

today has been a loooooooong day!! !! !! ! but i haven't bailed him out!! !! i'm proud of myself for not doing that.

he called me this morning and said that he plead not guilty, but right now the prosecutor is offering to drop one of the pi's and give him 90 days (do 45). he was wanting to be bailed out before he went to court so he could talk to his probation officer who he was hoping would talk to the prosecutor so he could get treatment instead, but i told him the best i would do for him was when i went for counseling today i would talk to his therapist and have her talk to his probation officer.

so that's what i did. i was able to meet with his therapist before my counseling started. she knew of the one arrest but not the second (it was in tonight's paper). she agreed that i should not bail him out yet and that he needed treatment. she had already filled out all the paperwork for richmond state hospital back in nov but never heard anything back. and she was frustrated because she said if she had been a quinco therapist, he would have been inpatient a long time ago (quinco is the mental health org that has a monopoly in this and the surrounding counties--you have to go through them no matter what--even to get to richmond, steve's therapist has to go through quinco first). she had talked to the probation officer and they both think he needs inpatient, but we're facing the same stupid obstacles as before--most places don't want to take adult medicaid/medicare, and quinco. his therapist was calling the quinco person that's the gateway to richmond but i haven't heard what happened yet.

hopefully they will be able to place him in richmond or at least some other place (though quinco totally sucks!! ! and that's a direct quote from our family doctor after they had to put steve in icu and then bs insurance to keep him in the hosp when he was suicidal because quinco wouldn't admit him). even if he does get placed, there's no guarantee that the prosecutor will change his mind in regards to the sentence, but if steve is in treatment and has been for 1-3 months, it's sure more of a possibility he will give him time served. (his court date right now is not until april).

so between mine and his therapist the plan is to keep him in there a bit longer. i probably will bail him out by sunday ONLY because sunday is isaiah's birthday (our almost 9 year old son). before i bail him out i am going to write out some strict rules: no keys to vehicles, no money, stay in trailer or living room (ie sleep out with mammy or help with her care), i got a mic for the computer so once i figure out how to use it, i'll require so many meetings on-line because he can't be trusted to leave the house on his own, speaking of which he will not be allowed to leave the house on his own or with our youngest son.

then if he goes in patient, before he comes out, there will be more strict rules laid out ahead of time. don't know what they are right now. my therapist asked me if i had thought about what i want to do when he does come back from inpatient (assuming he goes), and i said i hadn't thought that far ahead, but that's what i decided. it's vague now, but it's not a necessity yet.

so i feel a lot better about that, but i'm totally exhausted because after all that, i had to go to wal-mart and save-a-lot. i had such a hard time at wal-mart. i needed to get presents for isaiah, and i couldn't find hardly anything. i called my older son and asked him, but still only left with one present. i still need to get two more for isaiah before sunday. i did get one present for benjamin too (he's my older son). his birthday is feb 1. then there was just a bunch of little things i needed to get for everybody, but i was just really struggling.

towards the end i was shaking and felt like i was going to pass out. that's when i realized i had forgotten to eat. i had two biscuits this morning and that was it. about that time benjamin calls me and i told him i forgot to eat and was feeling pretty bad, so he's like, get you an energy drink and a candy bar. so i look, but couldn't find the energy drink, so i settled on a mountain dew, a slim jim, and a candy bar. i was never so glad to check out of there.

then i had to go to save-a-lot and do grocery shopping. i normally have steve or someone with me, and even though being in the store was easier because it's smaller and the workers basically know me, it was still a chore because i had to bag everything myself. i managed though, but by the time i got done i had a massive headache and felt like i was going to throw up.

then on top of all this, my car is acting up and dying all the time, so i'm trying to drive and run these errands while hurrying to put the car in nuetral and restart it fifty million times. plus i still got to figure out how i'm going to get the truck home.

UGH!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !

all i can say is, thank god i'm home!! !! !! !! the kids knew i was beat and got the groceries put up for me. so now i can rest. and i need it!! !! !! !!

april

I'm so proud of you and happy for you!! ! Good job.

thanks, i'm actually feeling much more relaxed right now and all the physical symptoms are gone.

apparently i zoned out on the computer. my friend tried to call me and couldn't get through (i have a little thing that's supposed to use my call waiting but sometimes it doesn't work). she said she had been trying for two hours. sure didn't seem like no two hours to me, but guess it was.

so i talked to her for awhile, then got back on the computer LOL!! !! !

right now it's soooooooo nice and quiet. everyone is asleep but me. that virtually never happens because steve has sleep problems and is normally up all night long and has the tv on for noise. i didn't realize how much i miss the quiet. i mean, at night it's not real noisy because he tries to stay quiet and keeps the tv low, but it is nice not to have it on at all.

i think too it's just less stressful without him. even my friend has noticed that every time he is gone, i actually function better. maybe he was just oozing stress and it was rubbing off on me.

i'm just grateful i'm feeling better right now. almost hate to go to bed because i know when i wake up in the morning i'm going to face three kids, a 90 year old, and six barking dogs. kind of nice when all (human and canine and feline) are snoozing!! !

april

you've done so much! blimey!

you are one strong woman, aprillove - and i'm so pleased you're feeling better about things. i'll send over some twinkly sleep dust, to make sure the hordes stay sleeping for a bit longer, eh?