You're a victim?

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What I am asking is, what can we do that will help you feel better?

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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I've been extremely depressed before, where I saw no hope. I've been there several times. When I'm there, it's like I'm in the mddle of a pitch black labrynth underground and there is one way out, but many false paths. Everytime I try something, it turns out to be a false path. Eventually, I give up hope. I don't want to wander in the dark down those dark corridors, feeling my way along, in pain, only to run into a wall at the end of it instead of seeing a glimmer of light. Doing that makes me feel more hopeless. It gets to a point where I don't want to try, because when it doesn't work, I end up hurting worse.

It sounds to me like that is where you are.

The therapists that didn't work with you, the meds that you tried that didn't work, everything you have tried that didn't work, those are the false exits. I've tried many meds, some didn't work, some made me suicidal. I've been to many therapists and actually only found two in all these years that I actually liked. I've been to some real jerks before. I actually told one of them, halfway through the session that his New Age bs was a crock of sh*t and got up and walked out.

But if I hadn't gone down those false paths, if I hadn't tried, and tried again and again, I would have never found the true exit. The one combination of meds, and the right therapist, that helps me feel better when I get to that point.

You have said several times that you drink and smoke weed to help. I totally feel you on that. Well, not on the weed, I'm one of those people that weed is horrible for. It makes me depressed and paranoid and I hate it, but I'm the unusual one for that, because it makes most people happy and chills them out. I am guilty of sometimes drinking to stop the pain for a while. I know that when I wake up the next day I will feel worse, and it takes me three days to feel halfway normal again and not wish I was dead, but that doesn't stop me from drinking that bottle (yeah, the whole bottle, when I do something I do it up good) because those few hours of being pain free are more tempting than staying in the limbo that I'm in, even though I know I'll pay worse for those few hours later. I'm trying not to do that right now. I won't today, I can't tell you for sure about tomorrow though. I'll deal with tomorrow when it comes.

So, I do understand your feelings about booze and weed.

I know when I get to the point you are at, where I'm overwhelmed and have no hope, I want somebody to step in and make it better. Nobody can make my situation or my depression better but me. A doctor can help by giving me the script, a therapist can help by listening and talking to me and helping me see my feelings and situation and actions differently. But I have to be willing to try. I had to be willing to try the meds that were horrible, and risk another horrible med, and keep going until I found the one that worked. I had to be willing to deal with the jerks in the psych profession until I found one that wasn't a jerk. Yes, it can be more painful, and very exhausting. It can get worse for a while. But, if you don't get help and at least try then six months from now you will be right where you are now. If you do try and nothing has worked, you won't have lost anything if you are still where you are now in six months. However, I think that with continual trying and seeing a doctor and being open to meds, that in six months you will be better.

Have you thought about a hospital for a few days or so to find the right meds and get them regulated? Even without insurance, if you tell them you are suicidal, they have to admit you and treat you. You could get the help you need there.

There are always reasons not to do something, and reasons that we can't do something, but many of those reasons can be overcome. Depression makes obstacles look insurmountable. Everything seems worse than it is and problems seem bigger than they are. It's natural to feel overwhelmed about them.

Have you thought about telling your mother that you are very depressed and want some help and see if she can help you see a doctor?

That's really the only thing I know to do and I do wish I knew more, but that's all I've got. I do hope it helps and I do hope you find a way out of this horrible place you are in.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Sweetleaf, when members give you support, does it reach you? you had quite a few members in this thread and in your other threads who gave you some straightforward encouragement, but did it help you at all?

I would like to point out that all SSRI's are different. Prozac did nothing for me at all. Other SSRI's have made me worse, and made me suicidal. Some helped a tiny bit but not much. It's the particular drug itself that does the job or doesn't do th job. Some have horrible side effects with some people, while others have hardly any. You cannot judge all SSRI's by one particular drug. It's the same as with Benzo's. Valium makes me horribly depressed, Clonopin gives me panic attacks, Ativan does nothing at all, while Xanax stops panic and anxiety in its tracks for me. The class of drugs (SSRI) is just the class, it's not the particular drug. They all work differently. I really encourage you to do some research into that.

I understand being afraid of trying something similar if you had a bad reaction to one, especially your first one. There are other antidepressants out there that may help, the tricyclics are still prescribed but they are usually much more sedating. Either way, I would discuss the options and the fear of another bad reaction with a doctor.

I believe Prozac was the first, or one of the first, SSRI's on the market. They have really advanced since then.

Also, about self esteem. I struggle with that too. This is going to sound really corny, but nobody can help your self esteem except you. I looked for years for someone or something to help me have some self esteem and as a result I made some horrible choices. What works for me is to try and look my best, (because I tend to focus on that for myself, for you it might be something different and more action oriented) and when I notice that I am thinking something negative about myself I stop the thought by telling myself "stop" in my head and then say the opposite in my head to myself, even though I don't believe it at the time. It sounds simple, but it does help, to a point.

Positve feedback is very important, but it's not as important as the feedback you give yourself. Try acting as if you were the person you want to be. As if you had the things going for you that you feel that you don't have. Stop negative thinking when you notice it and tell yourself something positive even if you don't believe it. It doesn't work overnight, it takes persistance which is very difficult when you feel that there is no use in doing anything or trying anything, but it does help somewhat.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

sweatleaf maybe start wondering from within what gives happynis. try and grasp the feeling of what you should be doing and do it instead of looking at things you could do and evalutating them.

Wow, this thread is long. Having now gotten to the end of it, I want to add my own opinion. I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm just speaking from experience of coming into contact with people who are depressed/self harming/suicidal on a very regular basis during my working day. It's far more common that many people realise.

To the original question, I'd say that being a victim of something isn't a choice, but what you do after that, to a degree, is. In order for a person to be helped, they have to want that help. If you don't want to be helped, then nothing anyone says is going to have any impact whatsoever, and they will remain in that hopeless, depressive cycle. The first step is always to desire change.

Sweetleaf, in my view you seem to be in a complete vicious cycle, and I'm sorry, but the use of cannabis and alcohol are probably perpetuating it. Yes, smoking cigarettes is bad for you. But in your apparent situation, I would say that cannabis and alcohol are a thousand times worse.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not preaching at you, I just wanted to give you some relevant information and advice. What you do with it is up to you, you're an adult.

I know that isn't what you want to hear, but it's scientific fact backed up by many years of medical research. Both of those substances are depressants, and cannabis is also widely known to cause anxiety and paranoia. Clicky below for more information- and the info isn't from wikipedia or anything like that, is from the Royal College of Psychiatrists, one of the leading bodies in the UK.

First, how cannabis can cause problems in people with mental illness:-

Cannabis and mental health

and secondly how alcohol and having depression can be self perpetuating:-

Alcohol and Depression

Try for a day at first. Then for two days. Then three. Go for walks outside when you think you can handle it, or if you're finding you have too much nervous energy. Do have special interests? Try focusing on those.

I reckon the main thing you're doing to yourself is expecting to fix everything at once. That's unrealistic, and setting yourself up for failure. This is why most peoples "get fit and healthy" plans fail. They try to change too many things at once and it's unsustainable. Pick out one aspect that you want to improve, and work on that.

Hope you get something from all that.