Feeling hopeless (trigger warning - suicide)

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I am sorry that you are hurting yourself more now. I wish that your pain & depression would go away, and that you would be happy again. Have you been doing it during the day or night?



I am also sorry about your chronic insomnia. I had the same problem a few years ago. Do you just lay in your bed in the dark, trying to get rest, or are you doing something else in the middle of the night? When I had insomnia, I just laid in my bed, trying to sleep, but I would just get frustrated & watch the time on my alarm clock all night. Sometimes, I would get less than 2 hours of sleep, if I was lucky. Other times, I would lay in my bed & turn on my radio or television until I got tired enough to sleep.



More big hugs.

I used to almost always self-harm at night, but the past few days, I've also been doing it in the afternoon. This round of depression has felt kind of weird because it's been dulling my emotions a lot. The past few weeks I haven't even really felt unhappy, I just haven't been feeling much of anything, even when I ordinarily would feel happy, sad, etc.

When my insomnia is really bad, I'll usually lie in bed for a couple hours and then if I still feel like I'm not getting anywhere near sleeping, I'll turn on the light and read or something until I think I can sleep. It's better now that I'm taking medication for it (melatonin and trazadone), but in high school I had plenty of nights where I'd only get half an hour before waking up and being unable to get back to sleep, or where I wouldn't get any sleep. I'd give up trying when the sun started coming up because in my experience, there comes a point where getting just a little bit of sleep makes me feel more tired, like it just reminds my body that it does need sleep after all.

I just took a shower and didn't pick off any of my scabs (another way I was particularly fond of self-harming a few months ago) while they were wet and it was really easy to do so That's at least a small step in the right direction.

I have never had a self-harm problem, but I have felt the same dull emotions before, where I would just feel numb instead of feeling happy, sad, angry, mad, or depressed. My therapist called the feeling anhedonia.



I also had a similar experience with my insomnia a few years ago. Part of my problem, in addition to my depression, was anger & sadness in my work & my personal life. I also felt like getting only a short amount of sleep did not do any good & just made me feel more tired. I also took the same medication which you took, trazodone 50 milligrams, and it helped to a small degree, but I did not really feel any better when I was on it, and it sometimes made me feel tired during the day when I was at work. The trazodone was prescribed to me by a doctor like you have right now, who only saw me for a few minutes, and never discussed anything in depth with me, and just gave me pills & expected me to be just fine with them.



I will keep thinking about you. More hugs.

That is good news! I hope your shower gave you some energy & made you feel better. It just gradually takes time to stop hurting yourself, and it will make you happier. You seem to be gaining some self-control over your desire to hurt yourself.

I'm sorry you've had to go through similarly tough times. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, especially not someone as kind and supportive as you.

I've also found that I'm usually not too tired the day after I get little to no sleep - it isn't until the day after that that I really feel the effects of the lack of sleep. The trazodone in addition to 10mg of melatonin works well for me, although neither on its own is enough to do much. Since I've been taking that combination, I still don't sleep great, but now it's rare that I don't get at least a few hours of sleep a night.

I'm actually in a good mood right now (even if the feeling is dulled), mostly because I'm proud of myself for leaving my scabs alone after my shower.

I hope everybody here is able to navigate their downs to keep as safe as they can and never lose sight of that devastatingly pure truth we are all very worthwhile, talented and courageous, each breath is vital and beautiful and just getting through each day intact is a colossal victory for those who wake with dread and flinch when they remember the weight they eventually fell asleep struggling under. I have self harmed recently, I had half a year where I felt okay enough not to, things look a little better after this week and I don't feel so pointless and transparent. I don't think I've ever been stable in my life but I have gradually became anchored with the unfolding map I carry in my quest to understand why I get in such down patches. After a long reflection since the diagnosis, I see a greater shading to all I had uncovered and experienced in life. Being armed with the knowledge of why you enter the bleak windswept plains of CRAPSVILLE COUNTY doesn't sweep you away on a flying carpet and render you immune unfortunately. Having an autistic brain also reclouds it from you no matter how lucid you are, you get lost in the fog and have to retrace all of your footsteps when something else triggers and rattles you up, then it's something else that whirls around with the old shrieking and soaring phantoms, the price of keeping yourself here is battling an avalanche but at least you can forge happier memories here and there and appreciate what you've dragged yourself through

I would not wish this kind of pain on any one either, and it makes me very sad that you are struggling so much.



When I could not sleep, I would usually have sleep inertia & not want to wake up, but that was only on the rare nights when I was able to briefly get any sleep at all. When I could finally wake up, I would not feel tired for a few hours, but then I would be groggy after working or being awake later in the day, but then I could not get any sleep. Maybe it was because I could not sleep at the time when my brain was telling me that I needed sleep; I do not know, it is just my guess.



I hope your shower was refreshing & gave you some energy, and it made you feel better. It is at least a start towards improvement. You seem to be gaining some self-control & trying not to hurt yourself. I hope you can get some sleep tonight.



More hugs.

Dang it, I just remembered that my resume is on my computer, which currently won't take enough of a charge to even start all the way up most of the time - if I'm lucky, I can get a minute or two out of it before it shuts off. I did have enough warning that my computer was starting to have major issues that I could get everything saved to a flash drive, but it means I can't apply for jobs until I have a functional computer again (be it my repaired old one or a new one)

I know it's bad but your resume can be rewritten. You wrote it once and you can write it again.

You could take the hard drive out of your old computer and connect it to a new computer as a second drive to retrieve your old resume.

Save the resume to google drive next time so that you can print it in the library from your smartphone when you are running late again.

I have it saved to a flash drive, so I guess it's not as bad as it could be. I just can't access it without a working computer. Thank you for the suggestion and encouragement, though.

So I can access it from my smartphone if I do that? A lot of the applications I've been filling out are online and want a digital copy of my resume. Our library recently had a major flood, and things haven't been sorted out from that yet. I think they're going to be moving, and in the meantime we're supposed to go to another branch, which is a bit far from us - I'm not sure if my parents will take me there or not.

I just remembered that my mom said I could use her computer until I have a working one. I can access my resume from tgere, and she'll probably be fine with me looking for jobs on it. Whew! Now I can go back to just worrying about what a mess I am and if I'm worth fixing, as usual.

Did a really heavy workout on the water this morning and it's like bordering on euphoria.
Feels so good.
Exercise does help.

Yes, I used a workout app on my iPad the day before yesterday and it felt good. I'm going to try to start doing that every day. I also feel better after a shower despite really not wanting to do it beforehand.