scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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-50, everything before now add my car broke down while driving to go look for a job. AKA im broke.

-10...can't stop obsessing, feel like sh*t...

~K

No number again.

What a heartless f*****g world we live in!! Someone talks about hurting themselves and I'm the only one who takes it seriously and wants to help. I was there myself in June, nobody took me seriously then. I know what it's like to have people metaphorically hand you the blade, or the pill packet by dismissing your pain as "manipulation". I thought church was supposed to teach you to have a conscience, not be a total f*****g sociopath. If god does f*****g exist, he would not let them get married with that much ill, that much dishonour and bad karma that surrounds that relationship. He'll send them both to f*****g hell, then they can get married, and have a non-consensual groupie with satan while they're there. You can sit front row centre every sunday and feed as many homeless mouths as you want to try and redeem yourself, you're still gonna be a f****d up individual.

If I thought it was "manipulation" do you think I'd be paying attention? No! Hell, I'm supposedly manipulative too right? If I am I should know manipulation when I see it, and I'm not seeing it. All I see is a person in pain who's getting kicked in the f*****g head while she's down; yeah those videos were priceless. She deliberately left them publically viewable for her to see. WTF is wrong with her???

What kinda friends does she want him to have if any at all?? Ones that aren't prettier and less plainer (gee, I guess that leaves him with three choices: Quasimodo, The Elephant Man and that hermaphrodite bearded lady). Ones that she thinks are "mature" and "stable"? Nobody will fit her criteria if she considers people nuisance leeches by default, which she does!!. Someone like her? Oh but nobody will ever be as mature and stable as you, Your Majesty!!

Now is this BS gonna stop? I have ways of making it f*****g stop if it doesn't.

Oh and I have more.

She's a f*****g hypocrite if she says that the friendship was never genuine on a certain person's part, as she's never ever been happy just being his friend EVER. Always begging him to get back with her cause no other guy would touch her with a 10 foot pole. She's never been a genuine friend either in that case.

0
Fixed the car today (i hope its finished), i kinda give thanks that my obsession is with cars so i know how to diagnose and fix my own things. Day has been bleh involved with my car, going to dinner in a few with the fam

I'd say 5 right now, not happy nor sad.

3. On a board break. Take care of yourselves, all, and Merry Christmas, if i am not back by then.

-4

i just feel like i'm living a lie. My feelings confuse me. Sometimes I'm disgusted by them, sometimes I just want to give into them. I carry a deep hatred of people in my heart, but I cannot bring myself to be cruel. Seems like I can't really control my mind anymore either, the interests seem more and more random, useless, and inconvenient. I wonder if this shift is a manifestation of a drop in confidence. Like I don't trust myself with things that aren't trivial and simple anymore.

I wonder if any of this is coherent.

0 I had a bad spell, last night. Some old resentments towards my sister came to the surface on October 25th, and it was just yeasterday that I've realized that. Perhaps, a bit of jealousy. I had a bad spell last night and I was hallucinating. I was seeing ghosts and people that weren't there, every time I turned my lights out. Why this, and why now?

Dare i say first time in the positives?
ill go with a 2. Wierd day but even though i did absolutely nothing it was fun and quite entertaining fixing my car only to find out i have a black gay stalker. I am kinda sorry to disapoint him though, atleast he had the balls to come out to me.

-9...slightly better for the first time in weeks...waiting for the next wave of horrible pain and loneliness to hit...

~Kate

I'm afraid to relax and let my guard down, because every time I do, something else comes along to kick me in the head.
I've started waking up in the early hours of the morning again.
This is exhausting.
If I end up hurting myself, it'll be that exhaustion that pushes me over the edge, rather than feelings of grief/loss.

minus five.

UGH. Some people are c***s. Just be happy for other people. f***s sake.

+1

wavering between -2 and +2. have to return to work tomorrow as bereavement leave has ended. recently felt pretty good, but now i'm not so great. exhausted, sore, cold. want to retreat and can't. have some upcoming activities that should be fun, so that part is looking up. finally reached out to my good friend and he hasn't returned my email all weekend, except to say he'd email later, and then he didn't reply again. i need to get back into my work routines, but i feel so much dread too.

3. im actually not feeling too awful at the moment but i know this will change soon, when i want to talk to somebody about my worries and realise theres noone. well, now that ive thought about it im feeling about a -3.