Not Enjoying Living (Trigger Warning: Suicide)

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Hold on, Lets start from square one. Hi I'm Tay. (my nickname) What should I call you?

That's the spirit!
Positivity.

I don't know that I'd call it positivity. I'm speaking hypothetically, because I understand how the phenomenon works. I'm not saying that it would necessarily give me a better chance at achieving anything, but it could only help. Unless they mistook my female company as romantic interests.

Trust me.
For you, that was a positive response.
I'll take it.

I dunno. I’m not exactly a relationship expert & as a gay man, especially not a girlfriend expert. BUT, you asked for my opinion and so I’d say that you could reasonably expect it to have a chance of happening once you’ve been relatively happy for some time. Let’s face facts here: Depression, negativity, pessimism etc - these are not exactly attractive qualities in a potential partner. To the contrary, they’re quite literally repulsive - total turnoffs. So, I’d say you can reasonably expect different reactions from people and potential dates/gf After you’ve been a happy camper for a spell. How long? I dunno. Could be weeks, months, a year or more. But regardless, it’s not that likely to happen Until after you’ve overcome the thing(s) that cause you to be down & put out negative vibes into the world around you. When you’re putting out good vibes, you’ll start getting them right back. Law of attraction type stuff.



Everyone has something they have to compensate for. Physical or personality defects. They might compensate with fitness or finances or humour or skills etc to make themselves more attractive in the best ways they can figure out how to.

If overcoming what constrains you makes you want to quit instead of accomplishing your goal then perhaps your goal isn’t really that important to you. If it IS important to you, then you’ll persist & do whatever work it takes for as long as it takes. Same same for any objective, really.



Good! You’re far more active than many sedentary bump-on-a-log types already. Add in more activity & back it up with healthy diet/water/sleep & just keep getting fitter.



And IF you put in a solid effort of self improvement work between now and that arbitrary deadline of an age number as if you have a black and white written in stone expiry date, even IF you’re not in a relationship at that moment yet, you’ll be healthier, wealthier, wiser, fitter/stronger etc and will have made measurable progress in so many ways that I bet you’ll have a hard time suggesting to yourself that you’ve failed & may as well give up and pack it in. Progress counts. At that point you could be mere moments from getting the attention from some female or another and there won’t be any logical reason to
give up on yourself or your goal. With everything else going ever better, why quit on your major objective just because it maybe didn’t happen by the line you drew in the sand? Scrub the line and draw it again. Everyone else does it. Buildings almost never get completed on time, but we don’t say f**k it and let them rot. We grant ourselves an extension and carry on and finish the last 5% or whatever. Same with other goals ppl have - like millionaire by 40.. maybe it takes until you’re 50 or 70? Or down to x weight by x date.. oops, missed it by a lb, better give up! Lol nah, one more week of disciplined diet and exercise and you’d hit your target. Setting hard dates/ages for accomplishments is stupid, IMO. Some people achieve them young, others later, so what?



That it is, but it’s been well worth while for me. I’ve been treating my ASD symptoms for ~8 years now. I work, have some $, paid off a brand new car and old motorcycle, enjoy some sports, have waaaaay more friends than I care to even visit lol, am generally pretty happy compared to 8-9 years ago at my worst, symptoms are controlled & in check so I can be social and attend parties and enjoy them etc.

Blah blah I’ll pm you about that.



2 entire decades in between to shape whatever life you want for yourself. It’s not so it right now Or at 50 and not in between or after. Life is a long time. You’re less than a 1/3 of the way through. Plenty of time to do stuff.

Hugs to OP.

You are your own best friend ....... this is a very good point .
Have for your friends the very best of friends .

Just a thought quotes from Lao Tzu .

If that's true, that's a pretty significant problem, because the main thing that's causing me to be down is the fact that I've never had the romantic experiences that I desperately crave, and I'm forcibly subjected to seeing other people have those experiences and wondering why I was never good enough. I lack any validation of my desirability as a romantic partner and that makes me feel hopeless about the situation.

The fact of the matter is I'm always going to be pessimistic and negative at least until I've had the dating experiences I've wanted for years, or at the very least maybe until I have my romantic desirability affirmed to such a degree that those experiences seem like plausible future realities.

I know that the mindset I have isn't attractive, and that makes me feel even more hopeless about my situation. This mindset wasn't something I chose. It was inflicted upon me as a result of a stark discrepancy between my extremely intense desires and the reality I'm trapped in.

I'm talking about quitting at life, not moving on from the goal. I can't move on from the goal, but I also don't think I can realistically achieve it, and I'm not interested in living if I can't achieve it. The second issue that I don't talk about is also an obstacle in the way of my ability to get in shape. I'd have to address that second issue before I could realistically get in good physical shape, but when I've tried to get it addressed, I haven't been able to get the adequate assistance that I need. Nobody understands what I'm going through with the second thing, and I get met with scepticism when I tell people about it. That's partially why I don't want to discuss it.


One of the ways my aspergers affects me is I'm a very picky eater, and that makes eating healthy a bit of a struggle, because a lot of the foods my tastebuds don't tolerate are healthy foods. I also don't have much cooking experience and tend to eat mostly bread-based foods like toast or sandwiches. Some of the reason that I'm not motivated to cook is because finding healthy meals that I'll actually eat is a struggle, and honestly, if I don't know whether I'll like/tolerate something or not, I tend not to try it.

That said, there are some meals with vegetables mixed into them that I'll eat. Everyday at work for lunch, I either have spaghetti (most of the time with vegetables in it), casserole, or savoury mince and mashed potatoes. I also have a piece of fruit or two and a yoghurt for my second lunch.

Drinking water's something I'm probably better with than most people. The first thing I did when I started trying to lose weight was cut out liquid calories with the intention of making water my go-to drink, and it worked. Even now, at least throughout the work week, the only thing I'll drink is water with the exception of occasionally treating myself. On the weekend, sometimes I'll have low fat milk instead though.

Sleep is something I'm sometimes good with and sometimes not. Being a person with night owl tendencies and working in a job where I have to get up at 5am makes consistently getting good sleep a struggle.


The simple fact is I really don't want to miss out on dating in my 20s. I really didn't want to miss out on dating in my teens either, and like I said, that's probably something I'll never make my peace with. If I miss out on dating in my 20s, what's the point? Not to mention it'd be embarrassing and frustrating. It's already embarrassing and frustrating at 24. I've already lost enough of my life that I'm never going to get back without being able to date. If I'm only going to feel worse from here, I'm not going to last.

Don't let missing out on dating in your 20s make you also miss out on self care and enjoyment of things and building your home and life. I had this FOMO about not dating in my 20s and was paralyzed from doing anything else that would be enjoyable and good for me as result.

Auntblabby, I didn't know you were an "incel"

i don't have the social genes at least f2f. i tend to creep people out no matter what i do.

And what if the source of your depression is simply you giving these thoughts your time and energy and you can change that by thinking about something else? Like the work you can do towards resolving your problem. Focusing on problems has never solved anything. You have to focus on solutions. Plan your work, work your plan. Think about the things you can do to influence change upon your attractiveness to others, and then do them. Focus on the things you’re doing to work your way out of the situation you’re in now. You’ll feel better And be on your way towards getting what you want instead of just depressing yourself by thinking about the things you don’t like on repeat forever and not making any progress towards positive change.



There ya go, you already realize that your negative thoughts are a self fulfilling prophecy. You have no choice but to work on changing them. It’s simply objective reality that depression is unattractive, so you have to do something about it and overcome it in order to make the shift to becoming attractive to others. There are many paths to this. I’ve tried several & I can’t pretend to know which ones will work for you. Some details of things I’ve tried in my pm.



Those are just your thoughts. Don’t believe everything you think - it’s not always true or correct.

Can’t offer any input on health/fitness constraints if I don’t know what they are. Feel free to pm if you like.



Change.

Try new foods. Eat healthy things. Force yourself to eat some things if/when you have to. Learn to think that “food is fuel,” and “food goes in, work comes out.” You’ll eat more of what you Need and not too much of what you Want. Health is wealth and you are what you eat.. “Let thy food be thy medicine and thy medicine be thy food,” and all that good stuff.

You’re not a child. Eat healthy balanced meals that are good for you. Besides, there are TONS of great tasty healthy foods and meals to make. It’s not like everything healthy tastes awful or anything.

But once in a while so what if it does taste awful? You think I looked forward to drinking a hemp protein shake with a full BULB of organic garlic blended into it? Or that I liked the taste? Lol Hell No! It went down like herbal FIRE and damned near made me throw up when it hit my stomach.. But, it was good for me & necessary at the time so I drank it down in one go, anyways.

Maybe you’ll never do something like that, or maybe you will - I dunno. But people who have goals that they want to achieve bad enough tend to be willing to do whatever it takes to achieve them.



Good! You won’t have to train yourself to stay hydrated - less on your plate to have to work into your routine.

Sleep - yeeeah; I’m a natural night owl, too. And I like to stay at the beach late. But when I’m working my day job I have to get up at 4am or so to be at work before 6, typically. SO HARD to go to bed early enough. But I have gotten a little better at it the last year or so. Still a long way to go on that tho. Anyways, work on it. It’s good for you and sleep helps all kinds of brain functions. Much more productive when well rested.

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So what?

I’m 38, never been in a relationship in my life. You think I Wanted to never have a crush reciprocated? You think I wanted to not find out I was on the autism spectrum until I was 29 years old? You think I wanted to have the internal struggles of growing up gay and not coming out to family until I was 30 and all the things that influenced about any potential dates or relationships in my teens and twenties? You think I wanted the (literal) scars I have to live with & the extremely expensive projected cost of tattooing over them in order to feel aesthetically attractive vs the opposite? You think I wanted this stupid covid pandemic robbing me of sooooooo many surreally Hot hookups over the last 8 months because I have to prioritize my cancer patient father’s life over orgasms with porn star level Hot bodies??

f**k no! But it is what it is. I never asked for or wanted any of these things. BUT, they are things that have happened/are happening regardless of what I Wanted and I have no choice but to accept them as they are and react to them in healthy ways and make the most of my life in the here & now while working towards an ever better future, including the pursuit of unrelated goals and interests, so as not to waste any potential my life has.

Being angry about something being the way it is isn’t going to change it. Rolling with it, affecting what positive change you can upon it, working towards changing it are all better uses of one’s time & energy.

A 30 something year old aspie male I knew said he would always fall short and gave up on dating and also was unemployed living on his grandfather's inheritance. He was interested in Buddhism and meditation. He went to Buddhist meetings, read Buddhist books, and meditated practicing letting go of everything and not being attached. He also was interested in cooking, and dinner at his house was a big deal, he would spend hours planning and cooking the dinner and was quite good at it. I checked his facebook, and it looks like he got a cute girlfriend who is always smiling and has a nose ring. I am guessing the Buddhism and meditation changed his attitude to less negative and allowed the girlfriend to come into his life because he wasn't so negative.

Women despise weak men. If you can't fight for yourself when another man insults you, they despise that. If you don't have the impulse to defend yourself, your girlfriend or wife, and your sister, they despise you. If you are easily scared and get paralyzed with fear, they despise you for that. Women despise weak men.

that is the way it is in the animal kingdom, we humans are just bigger badder animals who can strategize and conspire at a higher level, is all. the ones who are the deer in the headlights are just the roadkill, the victims of darwinism.

I was surprised my sister would despise me for not standing up to bullies or getting into a fight and for not being socially appropriate in public. It actually hurt her to see that too as she says she felt protective over me always, but couldn't do anything. But other times she would despise me for not financially supporting my mom or even her. I later realized that it would mean a lot for her if I went ahead and rented her an apartment or bought her a car or paid off her loan, because for women it is important to see a man put something on the life that is like part of their body - be it their physical safety through a fight or their physical safety by spending their limited amount of money.