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Feeling hopeless (trigger warning - suicide)

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dragonsanddemons
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30 Nov 2017, 7:23 pm

I was actually in a bit of a good mood, but I still want to bleed. I hate when that happens - it just shoves in my face how much of a problem this is when I want to do it even when I'm relatively happy.


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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


dragonsanddemons
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30 Nov 2017, 9:53 pm

I don't even really want to die now, but I'm still thinking about suicide 8O Ugh, Tuesday can't come soon enough.

Don't worry, I will call 911 or something if I think I'm actually going to do it. It's still scary, though. I'd never ever even idly considered taking any more medication than I've been prescribed, until this week.


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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


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30 Nov 2017, 9:55 pm

I'm glad you're in a better mood. Did something happen that help you feel better? I thought you only made yourself bleed when you felt bad.


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Courage to change the things I can,
and Wisdom to know the difference."


dragonsanddemons
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30 Nov 2017, 10:04 pm

AquaineBay wrote:
I'm glad you're in a better mood. Did something happen that help you feel better? I thought you only made yourself bleed when you felt bad.


Yeah, chatting with people here on WP put me in a good mood. But for quite some time now, the self-harm thing hasn't only been when I'm feeling bad in some way - I also sometimes get the urge randomly, when I'm feeling neutral, and this isn't the first time it's happened when I'm in a good mood, even. I think it's just because at this point, it's an addiction, not just a coping mechanism.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


300series
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30 Nov 2017, 11:20 pm

dragonsanddemons wrote:
AquaineBay wrote:
I'm glad you're in a better mood. Did something happen that help you feel better? I thought you only made yourself bleed when you felt bad.


Yeah, chatting with people here on WP put me in a good mood. But for quite some time now, the self-harm thing hasn't only been when I'm feeling bad in some way - I also sometimes get the urge randomly, when I'm feeling neutral, and this isn't the first time it's happened when I'm in a good mood, even. I think it's just because at this point, it's an addiction, not just a coping mechanism.





I am happy to hear that you are feeling somewhat better & attempting to make yourself happier. I have been thinking about you today, and also hoping that you are not acutely suicidal.



I am confused about how you randomly feel the urge to hurt yourself. Does bleeding somehow make you feel better or satisfied in some way? I also thought you only made yourself bleed when you got sad or angry.



More hugs.



dragonsanddemons
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30 Nov 2017, 11:36 pm

300series wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
AquaineBay wrote:
I'm glad you're in a better mood. Did something happen that help you feel better? I thought you only made yourself bleed when you felt bad.


Yeah, chatting with people here on WP put me in a good mood. But for quite some time now, the self-harm thing hasn't only been when I'm feeling bad in some way - I also sometimes get the urge randomly, when I'm feeling neutral, and this isn't the first time it's happened when I'm in a good mood, even. I think it's just because at this point, it's an addiction, not just a coping mechanism.





I am happy to hear that you are feeling somewhat better & attempting to make yourself happier. I have been thinking about you today, and also hoping that you are not acutely suicidal.



I am confused about how you randomly feel the urge to hurt yourself. Does bleeding somehow make you feel better or satisfied in some way? I also thought you only made yourself bleed when you got sad or angry.



More hugs.


These thoughts are quite troubling, but I don't feel an immediate need to act on them. Last night I felt like I might possibly do something, but I haven't today. The thoughts are still very strong, though.

I'm more likely to want to bleed when I'm upset or stressed, but I do get the urge when I'm feeling neutral, and very occasionally when I'm even a bit happy. It does help me feel better when I'm upset, and still feels really good even when I'm not. It is satisfying, and exhilerating in a way nothing else I've done is.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


300series
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01 Dec 2017, 11:30 am

dragonsanddemons wrote:
300series wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
AquaineBay wrote:
I'm glad you're in a better mood. Did something happen that help you feel better? I thought you only made yourself bleed when you felt bad.


Yeah, chatting with people here on WP put me in a good mood. But for quite some time now, the self-harm thing hasn't only been when I'm feeling bad in some way - I also sometimes get the urge randomly, when I'm feeling neutral, and this isn't the first time it's happened when I'm in a good mood, even. I think it's just because at this point, it's an addiction, not just a coping mechanism.





I am happy to hear that you are feeling somewhat better & attempting to make yourself happier. I have been thinking about you today, and also hoping that you are not acutely suicidal.



I am confused about how you randomly feel the urge to hurt yourself. Does bleeding somehow make you feel better or satisfied in some way? I also thought you only made yourself bleed when you got sad or angry.



More hugs.


These thoughts are quite troubling, but I don't feel an immediate need to act on them. Last night I felt like I might possibly do something, but I haven't today. The thoughts are still very strong, though.

I'm more likely to want to bleed when I'm upset or stressed, but I do get the urge when I'm feeling neutral, and very occasionally when I'm even a bit happy. It does help me feel better when I'm upset, and still feels really good even when I'm not. It is satisfying, and exhilerating in a way nothing else I've done is.





I hope you are doing okay this morning, and that you made it thru the night safely.



Normally, I think it is good to do anything which makes people feel good, but I do not think that hurting yourself is a good idea. I think it would be better to find something else that you like better. It would be healthier & safer. I get really worried & scared when you say that you feel like hurting yourself or trying to kill yourself.



I am sorry that raking leaves & doing your other chores did not make you feel better. You could always find something else to do that would make you feel better. I still hope that you find a job & your own place to live some time soon.



I will keep thinking about you. More big hugs.



dragonsanddemons
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01 Dec 2017, 11:38 am

300series wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
300series wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
AquaineBay wrote:
I'm glad you're in a better mood. Did something happen that help you feel better? I thought you only made yourself bleed when you felt bad.


Yeah, chatting with people here on WP put me in a good mood. But for quite some time now, the self-harm thing hasn't only been when I'm feeling bad in some way - I also sometimes get the urge randomly, when I'm feeling neutral, and this isn't the first time it's happened when I'm in a good mood, even. I think it's just because at this point, it's an addiction, not just a coping mechanism.





I am happy to hear that you are feeling somewhat better & attempting to make yourself happier. I have been thinking about you today, and also hoping that you are not acutely suicidal.



I am confused about how you randomly feel the urge to hurt yourself. Does bleeding somehow make you feel better or satisfied in some way? I also thought you only made yourself bleed when you got sad or angry.



More hugs.


These thoughts are quite troubling, but I don't feel an immediate need to act on them. Last night I felt like I might possibly do something, but I haven't today. The thoughts are still very strong, though.

I'm more likely to want to bleed when I'm upset or stressed, but I do get the urge when I'm feeling neutral, and very occasionally when I'm even a bit happy. It does help me feel better when I'm upset, and still feels really good even when I'm not. It is satisfying, and exhilerating in a way nothing else I've done is.





I hope you are doing okay this morning, and that you made it thru the night safely.



Normally, I think it is good to do anything which makes people feel good, but I do not think that hurting yourself is a good idea. I think it would be better to find something else that you like better. It would be healthier & safer. I get really worried & scared when you say that you feel like hurting yourself or trying to kill yourself.



I am sorry that raking leaves & doing your other chores did not make you feel better. You could always find something else to do that would make you feel better. I still hope that you find a job & your own place to live some time soon.



I will keep thinking about you. More big hugs.


Yep, I'm doing OK. I bled a little last night, but no more than usual. I agree, I do need to find sonething better to do instead of hurting myself. Maybe doing more chores than just half an hour of raking would be more beneficial.

I too hope I get a job I can support myself on soon. Even just working toward getting my own place will probably help me feel better if I'm clearly making progress, like earning money to pay for it.

Sending you big dragon hugs in return :)


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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


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01 Dec 2017, 11:45 am

I am glad you made it through another day.
Big dragon hug from me too.



300series
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01 Dec 2017, 11:50 am

Hi, again. I am glad you are doing okay. I would have written to you again last night, but I was very tired & exhausted last night. I am very sorry.



Raking leaves & walking your dog is at least a start towards feeling better, and I think it is better than hurting yourself. My mother had severe depression, just like me, and she used to just sleep all day. We used to take our dog for a walk in the park every day, and it made both of us feel a lot better; it could help you too, if you want to try it.



I am also hopeful that you will find a new job & move in to your own residence. It just takes time.



By the way, what kind of dog do you have? What colour is it? Is it male or female?



Thanks again for the big dragon hugs. 300 hugs back.



dragonsanddemons
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01 Dec 2017, 3:02 pm

Temeraire wrote:
I am glad you made it through another day.
Big dragon hug from me too.


Thank you very much.


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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


dragonsanddemons
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01 Dec 2017, 3:06 pm

300series wrote:
Hi, again. I am glad you are doing okay. I would have written to you again last night, but I was very tired & exhausted last night. I am very sorry.



Raking leaves & walking your dog is at least a start towards feeling better, and I think it is better than hurting yourself. My mother had severe depression, just like me, and she used to just sleep all day. We used to take our dog for a walk in the park every day, and it made both of us feel a lot better; it could help you too, if you want to try it.



I am also hopeful that you will find a new job & move in to your own residence. It just takes time.



By the way, what kind of dog do you have? What colour is it? Is it male or female?



Thanks again for the big dragon hugs. 300 hugs back.


That's fine, I understand :) I do usually feel better after taking my dog for a good walk. He's a standard poodle, white with sabling, meaning his fur is darker in places. His name is Merlin.


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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


300series
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01 Dec 2017, 5:25 pm

dragonsanddemons wrote:
300series wrote:
Hi, again. I am glad you are doing okay. I would have written to you again last night, but I was very tired & exhausted last night. I am very sorry.



Raking leaves & walking your dog is at least a start towards feeling better, and I think it is better than hurting yourself. My mother had severe depression, just like me, and she used to just sleep all day. We used to take our dog for a walk in the park every day, and it made both of us feel a lot better; it could help you too, if you want to try it.



I am also hopeful that you will find a new job & move in to your own residence. It just takes time.



By the way, what kind of dog do you have? What colour is it? Is it male or female?



Thanks again for the big dragon hugs. 300 hugs back.


That's fine, I understand :) I do usually feel better after taking my dog for a good walk. He's a standard poodle, white with sabling, meaning his fur is darker in places. His name is Merlin.





I am glad you feel better after walking your dog. It gives you something better to do than self-harm.



I understand how hard it is to wait until next week to see your therapist. I hope your session goes better than your previous appointments. I will still be here for you until then.



I also hope you can make it thru the night & get some sleep. It helps when you are feeling depressed.



Big hugs.



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01 Dec 2017, 7:13 pm

dragonsanddemons wrote:
300series wrote:
Hi, again. I am glad you are doing okay. I would have written to you again last night, but I was very tired & exhausted last night. I am very sorry.



Raking leaves & walking your dog is at least a start towards feeling better, and I think it is better than hurting yourself. My mother had severe depression, just like me, and she used to just sleep all day. We used to take our dog for a walk in the park every day, and it made both of us feel a lot better; it could help you too, if you want to try it.



I am also hopeful that you will find a new job & move in to your own residence. It just takes time.



By the way, what kind of dog do you have? What colour is it? Is it male or female?



Thanks again for the big dragon hugs. 300 hugs back.


That's fine, I understand :) I do usually feel better after taking my dog for a good walk. He's a standard poodle, white with sabling, meaning his fur is darker in places. His name is Merlin.


I have a little one eyed whippet who is white with tan patches.
She keeps me on my toes.
Perhaps we can take the pooches up for a fly one night. :wink:



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01 Dec 2017, 7:17 pm

We should fly away from Earth, to beyond the Planets.

There are many laws of physics we have to prove :D



dragonsanddemons
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01 Dec 2017, 10:10 pm

Well, I thought I might get through a day without self-harming, but I didn't. But at least I haven't self-harmed nearly as much as I usually have by this point in the day. The suicidal thoughts also haven't been quite so incessant today. Maybe I won't need to pack a bag after all.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"