We Love Esmeralda Weatherwax

Post Reply New Topic

Hi Kura and all...

Carpe Jugulum and Lords and Ladies have a few superficial resemblances but they are very different themes. Yes, Lancre is threatened by outside enemies in both. Yes, a few brave and wise souls - the usual suspects - have to figure out what to do about it. But there's nothing like the Vlad/Agnes storyline, nothing like Mightily Oats, and Granny's stratagem - and vulnerability - are very different. Likewise the role of the Nac Mac Feegle and their verra, verra complicated documents

Sounds like the usual - when those who can't write become critics as a way of taking revenge on those who can.

I'm making some Brose, anyone in? Good for you, got herbs and things will put you on your feet in no time, kingie.

On a more serious note: the security issues with the site have really shut down my enthusiasm, so I am going to be rare here until that's fixed - I've found a way to avoid the gauntlet of malware phishers on my way in here, but the gauntlet is apparently still there (says my heroic popup blocker when I visited the boobytrapped page by accident.) I'll still check in but I won't be staying long, which means I'll miss seeing some things. Which does not mean I don't care. I hope the problems are fixed soon.

Yeah...I hope so, too.

I miss our repartee, Esme.....

There's an adblocker available on the google app store. I've got it, and it's amazingly useful.

Just in case, want to pm me your email address [supposing that you have one]? Then we can still keep in touch.

Hi, Esmerelda.

I was saddened to read that the "Ye Olde Aspergians" thread has led your thoughts to painful memories. I have posted a response there (copied below), but it occurred to me that, quite understandably, you might not want to return to that thread, and think it right not to PM unless invited.

@Esmerelda Weatherwax
I'm sorry to hear that the thread has led your mind to painful thoughts, Esme. My thoughts are with you, and I hope that some time out for contemplation brings you to a better place.

To all:
I am not disappointed or annoyed in any way with any of the posts in this thread, and nobody has said anything which I find at all inappropriate, or even "off topic". When I make a new thread, I always try to make it clear if I would prefer posts to stay bounded by specific themes. Otherwise, I see them as catalysts for conversation, and it is safe to assume that I have no problem at all with any of the unforeseeable twists and turns which that implies. Aside from the very rare cases where I'm asking for specific help, I never see myself as the "owner" or "curator" of a thread simply because I made the first post; quite the opposite, I am often led to the most profound insights and break my frustrating circular modes of thinking through the chance tangents taken by the reactions of other posters.

"Many a true word is said in jest."
If there were no contrast between how autistic people are currently treated and how we might be treated in some other society, real or mythological, the sentiments of the original post would never had occurred to me in the first place. The original thought may have seemed a light-hearted observation, but there's no doubt that inspiration would never have struck if it weren't for my own lifelong experiences of bullying and exclusion. If it has led on to discussion of more serious themes, that is all well and good.

Hi Trog

No worries - it wasn't your thread that "did me in"... it was my experience on the site that day.

I've been staying off the site because of all the malware threats, DNS attacks, and so on. Checked in a couple times to see if anyone was dealing with the malware / trolls / who knows what else. Came back after I saw a post from Alex, and walked into a wall.

It seems as though there may actually be something to the "hive-mind" idea - there are days when absolutely every human I encounter seems giddy, or argumentative, or reckless, or mean. Once or twice I've hit "friendly" - twice in sixty years is, I suppose, pretty good for that .

So I came back to an "argumentative" day on the site.

It seemed as though every declarative sentence I posted *had* to be argued with by whoever I posted to, or the next available passerby. I ditched each attempt at conversation when I realized this was a feature, not a bug; then ran into some badly crossed wires that I could not uncross despite several attempts.

Straw, meet bactrian spinal column. Or maybe dromedary spinal column, I'm not picky.

Anyway, juxtapose the whole idea of "there may have been places and societies where people who were "different" were not automatically and mindlessly ostracised and abused" with my experience of being blown off and disagreed with wherever I went, on this site, on that day, and you've got a good recipe for flashbacks to prior similar abuse. Which is where I went - right into memories of being bullied and contradicted and marginalized - while simultaneously being assigned three to six times more work than anyone else - at work, three decades worth of it.

You didn't cause any of this, and neither did any of the individuals who were being contentious or simply not "getting" what I was saying in various threads. It was the totality, the universally negative responses, with the inherent exclusion and marginalization. Way too much like life on the job. So I bugged out.

I actually had no intention of returning, TBH, haven't even lurked here since. Something prompted me to check in this evening, and I saw your post.

Hope this makes sense, because I'm still feeling burned enough that I expect someone to show up here and try to argue with me about this, as if they would know better than I do what I've experienced and how I feel. Not expecting that from you, to be clear, but yeah, apprehensive about getting it from some random person in a disputatious mood.

To forestall which, I'm logging out now. Really have had it with that nonsense - my gorge rises just thinking about it.

I am actually in treatment for PTSD related to the vicious workplace abuse I survived. (Yes, it happens. The Europeans call it Prolonged Duress Stress Disorder; we Yanks aren't subtle enough to grasp that idea, so it takes a really insightful therapist here to "get" that PTSD can arise without a single hair on one's head ever being touched.) So... disappearing when fussed at, here, is a pro-survival thing for me right now. I will probably be back when I feel that I can handle the exposure again.

Meanwhile, thank you for your kindness, and I mean that.

Your post gave me such valuable insight into things I'm experiencing in my own life - I don't care for in-person hugs, truthfully, but I'm sending all the virtual comfort, hot tea, hot chocolate, good books, excellent cookies, and soft blankets by a fireplace that my brain can conjure.

Be well!

Your posts are far more eloquent than you give yourself credit for, Esmerelda. When I see your avatar against a post, I know that it will always be worth reading every word. I hope to see more of them in the future, but in the meantime, best wishes.

I will miss you, again, but I also understand why you must take yourself away from here.

Trogluddite sums it up for me too. You are such a valuable and influential member.

I also understand the how past traumas can be triggered and cause enduring distress. PTSD and similar mental health problems can be debilitating. I am a believer that you don't have to have textbook reasons or symtoms to have this. So it is good to know you have a therapist who knows what they are doing and understand your difficulties - good luck with this and see you on the other side my lovely.

(p.s. I have finally found a decent psychologist and enjoy working with her )

Love and peace to you

Hello, Esmeralda.
I just saw your PM, and thank you for caring.

Hi, I'm back and kind of embarrassed still, but relieved that others have done this before me, so there's that. [Edit in: I did a lot of blathering here first, should include link... viewtopic.php?t=362687&p=7931735#p7931735 ]

Umm... I had to drop my therapist. He meant well, but it was a 30-minute drive to his office, and although I loved the scenery and I like to drive, and there were other rewards near his office (a great and affordable restaurant, a REALLY great and affordable discount grocery store), he wasn't super reliable. I traveled out to his office only to find it locked and empty on at least four occasions...

... to be fair, there was always a reason for the unexplained absences. But, to be fair to me, I had to wrangle my IBS into sufficient quiescence to handle an hour's round trip and an hour of talk / PTSD tx *and* hopefully have a chance to visit the restaurant/grocer/maybe both, and I succeeded in that routinely (yay me). To be even more fair to me, if I thought I might need to cancel, I gave 24H notice and just erred on the side of caution...

OTOH, despite that, I did benefit greatly from the PTSD tx. And we talked about something I had no idea existed - Asperger's Inertia. It's not *exactly* depression. It's an executive function glitch where you can plan something and know you need to do it, but can't get the energy together to begin. I cannot begin to describe what a relief it is to know this is a thing and has a name... and the odd thing is that, now that I know that's in the mix, it's become a bit easier for me to get off my tail when I know I must. It's as if knowing what it is gives me the ability to push on past it, versus having this amorphous cloud of whatever hanging over me and gumming up the works.

Anyway... I missed everyone. Blabster, don't laugh, I found a HD version of Grofe's Grand Canyon Suite on YouToob and the first thing I thought (after finding the CD on Amazon yay Ormandy yay Philly O) was: jeez I wonder if Blabs has this or had it as a kid? So you guys were with me the whole time, though not in a way that did anything much for y'all.

Speaking of which, here it is.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe7wC-HG6RQ

Esme's forgotten about the Wolfman....

Welcome back

(((Kraftie))) (((Ez)))

Not forgotten, just kind of overwhelmed... hugs to you both and I missed you.

The Wolfman Howls his Understanding

let's hope things stay on an even keel and you are very comfy here for real [it rhymes, sorta ]