scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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+2

-10, I am going to that damn appointment.........but my flight or fight response/paranoia whatever it is, is telling me to bail out, just freaking hide, run, fight anything but go taking a fair amount of effort to keep it under control, which in turn is feeding the detatched feeling because its like my mind is like 'fine if you're not going to listen to me I'm going to try to get the f*** out of here.'

-12

0 - Feeling pretty neutral tonight.

-10, wish i had the guts to end it

-7

On wednesday I attempted suicide. I screwed up and forgot to take something into account and ended up being treated in hospital. On Thursday night I got out of hospital and came home to find a letter on the doormat offering me faint glimmer of hope.

I am still angry with myself for screwing up on Wednesday and wish I had succeeded ... but rather than going ahead next week with my now failproof plan (I learn from experience) I'm going to try to nurture this glimmer for a while since I'm still here. The plan will still be there if this glimmer turns into nothing.

2. the darkness has abated a bit

YellowBanana, The_Illusive_Man, MXH, Sweetleaf, I wish you could feel ok.

-12

-1..

-3

+5, Clonazepam and industrial music might as well try to enjoy it since in two weeks I admit to the doctor I need to be saved from myself. Two whole freaking weeks, uhh don't know I can make it that long I hate PTSD, just wish that nagging little voice(I cannot litterally here it but its like I am thinking about someone talking to me verbally like its not external like something inside would shut up. I mean I am trying to do what I can for myself here but its hard when my brain is constantly doing the following 'don't do that, don't trust them, why do you gotta care so much about other people, go get trashed if you want don't worry about your mom finding out, in fact get thrashed and show up loud and belligerant one night and bluntly say 'guess what I smoke marijuana' why don't you fight back, do something, quit taking it, why'you go to that appointment, really, you're going to give in and take their drugs and bla bla bla......I've noticed it more since I quit college and don't really go out very much and when I do its either to my friends house or my brothers house so I don't have head phones in my ears as often....don't know if that's relevant. I suppose it's just the anxiety but it gets really, really annoying.

0. Oh joy, the old "can't listen to love songs or see couplesy stuff anymore" ailment has returned. It only makes me see things in my mind that I won't get given [back] and it pisses me off.

I feel good. Don't know what number.

Here is what has helped me:
Medicine. Connecting, being with people, mainly Aspies. Figuring out my interests, and thinking about them, wanting to do more with them. Making my surroundings at home go flawlessly, some sort of harmony, where we work together with our problems (meaning everyone that are close to me, around me). Exceling in my interests. Exceling in helping myself, going through my problems. Having thoughts on what I want to do, having everything practical written down. Surrounding myself with help and support. Relaxing, taking advice, changing, being in my "zone" without stress, taking time. Talking with my therapist about my problems, including going through my past struggles. Feeling like I have a personality, sticking to my personality and doing more with it, like communicating. Feeling like I am in my situation for a reason, understanding it, and accepting it, even liking it. Use time with my interests, let every Aspie side of me excel, including obsess. Feel free. Do what I want, get help with doing it. Feel safe. Making my days and weeks go as I plan them to, with routines that I follow. Progressing.

-10

+2.

-8 not in a very good place at all