Rants

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Again I've forgotten entirely about something important. and
It's good I have understanding offspring.

Again. I've promised myself not to do it but this anxiety attack or whatever the hell it is, is making it seem less bad than it is.
I probably need sleep. So that'll be what I'll do.

I really, really, really need to sit down and actually get some writing done.

If you continue to blow me off or placate me, we're going to have some serious issues pretty quick. I hung out for three hours in a crowded bar, hanging out with your friends because that's what you wanted. You can close down the bar on your own if you want, but I'm not twenty years old and it's not my idea of fun.

I failed my best friend. I failed to help her save herself from herself. I tried. I failed. Just like the rockbiter, my hands weren't strong enough.

I'd have given anything to save her from those compulsions and addictions. She was my childlike, yellow-eyed empress and she asked me for help.. I failed.

I failed because SHE decided it was too much trouble to do the right thing. I failed, but I wasn't responsible for the nothing consuming her... I wasn't responsible for gollum creeping up and slipping away with her.

All I can do is ramble on, sing my song, find my way.

I'd have given anything to help her because she meant everything in the world to me. But I can't help people who aren't willing to help themselves. I can't help people who only want to hold me back because they are too afraid, or scared, or lazy, or frightened, or stupid, or ashamed to move forward with their lives.

I don't talk to people who aren't smart, I certainly don't offer to help people I don't think are capable of achieving great things..

I love her still to this day but I also hate her for squandering her potential.. that is the true injustice. Not that she didn't love me, though she said she did, but that she's going to throw away her potential on drugs and easy sex and booze. I wish it could be otherwise.. but she's the only one who can make that choice.

I will mourn her.

I will mourn my hero who overcame such obstacles I couldn't imagine.

I will mourn her potential and what should could have been had she have applied herself.

I will mourn the future that we would have shared together.

But I will not allow it to hold me back.

I will not not allow it to prevent me from doing the best I can with my life.

I will not allow her stupid, shortsighted choices to sway me in my devotion to my life.

I will finish school, I will achieve something, I will get the f**k out of this sh***y town.

But deep in my heart I will always love her, and wish she had chosen differently.

are you talking about a real person or a fictitious character (yellow eyed) ? i think your post is intentionally cryptic.

did she commit suicide or die due to self abuse? or did she simply fall out of your respect because of her lifestyle choices?

why would you not offer assistance to someone who is not capable of achieving "greatness"?
why do you not talk to people who are not smart? (my questions are rhetorical by the way).

________________________

there is a huntsman spider who has caused me much distress today!! he injured my back and caused sensory discomfort and also humiliation! he was not directly responsible for my woes but i would like him to go away.

here is the story:
last night i noticed a big huntsman spider

on a wall near the ceiling in the vicinity of my clothes dryer.

a shiver went down my spine (or up( i do not know)) and because huntsman spiders are very timid and are in no way aggressive, i tolerated him cautiously.

i put all my fleecy lined tracksuit pants and and my cotton tee shirts into the washing machine because they needed to be washed, and i left them in the washing machine overnight because i thought the sun would be shining today, but the sun was not shining today, so i placed the clothes in the clothes dryer and switched it on.

i always wear a pair of tracksuit pants under my exterior garb, or else i simply wear the track suit pants alone.

2 hours later i was very hungry and i had no other track suit pants to wear in order to go to the shops, so i waited for the clothes dryer to finish drying my clothes, and i approached the clothes dryer to retrieve my clothes from it and at the last second as i was reaching to open the clothes dryer i was confronted with the huntsman spider who was on the door jamb of the door to my toilet that is a few inches away from the clothes dryer, and the spider flinched and i was propelled backwards and my back hit the door handle behind me and i was injured!!

i dared not to walk past him to get my clothes out of my dryer and so i had to wear jeans (from another cupboard) against my skin which was a sensory disaster. i hate denim against my skin. i can feel every stitch and contour against my skin and i was very unhappy about the situation.

also, because he was (and still is) on the door jamb of the door leading to my toilet, i am not brave enough to wee in my toilet, so i decided to go and wee in my front yard, but unfortunately there are road works going on outside my house and they have bright lights (called daymakers) lit up and there are workers every where. i tried to choose a dark spot to wee in, but i was discovered by a road worker who said "piss on mate! it's only natural" in response to me stopping weeing when i was discovered.

that blasted huntsman spider has no idea how much it has stressed me out, and it is still exactly where it was 12 hours ago.

an hour ago, when i was considering going to bed, i thought "i better stuff my towel under my door so he can not get into my bedroom while i sleep", but unfortunately the towel is in the clothes dryer that he is only inches away from.

talk about being bossed around seriously by a spider, i can not kill him because my distress is not equal to the value of his life.

i very much want him to go away.

he is just so ugly and creepy and he raises the hairs on the back of my neck, but he has no idea of the calamitous effects he is
imposing on my relaxation.

i have a spray can whose contents would kill him, but that would cause a far greater calamity in my mind and so i remain dominated by him. i just hope very much he does not crawl under the door of my bedroom and crawl over me because if he did that and i woke up, i would break every bone in my body due to my reaction.

Oh boy!
Once, I went to spend a vacation of a week in the Dominican Republic.
The very first night that we arrived, I found a spider as big as the one that you show in a cupboard too.
What a fright!

But by the time I went for help, explained the trouble as I could (I don't speak spanish and the man didn't speak french nor english) and that we came back together to the room, it had disappeared.

Insects can be such a trouble.
That same week, I was once litteraly eaten by mosquitoes.
Poor legs of mine! I still remember how big were the consequences of their bites.
Not more itching than the ones we know in Europe but so big !

Oh she's very real and hurt me very much. It's cryptic on purpose because i'm still trying to work through my feelings on it..

She allowed herself to be consumed by substance abuse and bad life choices.. and I simply cannot be there to see her do that... not when she did what she did to me.. I could have been understanding about the substance abuse.. I could have been supportive of her regardless.. but I couldn't do those things when she chose to start sleeping in the arms of another... it just hurt too badly.

I wanted nothing more than to help her.. but I'm not a super hero and I just can't do that much for her. Smart is relative, but she was smart, to me, fast with a joke, good sense of humour, wonderful laugh.. and she read challenging books and understood them.. she was great to talk to. She could have been great if she had applied herself.. but she let self doubt and low self opinion and impulse and drugs pull her down into the morass.

To you, the person currently reading this text, specifically:
Here is a hug--*hugs*--a smile-- --- and an open heart and open arms. Take whichever and as much of it as you would like. It may seem that every person alive has turned their back on you, that you have turned your back on every person alive, that you are not worth the effort, and that things will never improve. I cannot say for certain that things will get any better anytime soon, but I can give you my hope. I hope that you, all of you, find compassion and love. I hope that you always encounter more reasons to love yourself than to loathe yourself. I hope that your pyramid of needs always get met from foundation to peak and back again. I hope that you are able to find solace in the fact that some person on the other side of the computer screen wants you to be happy for no reason other than the fact that you deserve to be happy.

May you never lose faith in whatever keeps you alive.

Thank you.

I wasn't supposed to be in contact with her. I should have left. We were on bad terms. I was still dealing terribly with my obsession and infatuation. I wasn't even trying to look at her. The way she was paying attention to me was overpowering... And from what happened after that... I am almost losing my temper again. Its not going to get me anywhere but trouble. I forgive her, somehow.

I have so many things due tomorrow and I am not even halfway done. I really cannot concentrate and I feel sad and depressed.

I'm so angry and disappointed at myself, for not being able to handle life with the apparent ease that everybody else around me seems to manage.

Remember it may only seem like others handle life with ease. There is a saying paddling like made under the water (similar to a duck) and calm on the outside or something to that effect.

I hate my OCD traits. I have some aspie friends who don't have these traits and life seems much easier for them, because they don't get bogged down in stress. My mind often ruminates for hours without me being able to stop it. I used to get therapy for this and it did help me, but then I had to stop because the therapist went on maternity leave. On Wednesday, I had my ASL test and there was one part where my mind got rigidly stuck on one scenario and I completely neglected other possibilities. I knew perfectly well that other possibilities were there, but I was going over the time that is was supposed to take me to write the test and was anxious because I was trying to finish it as quickly as possible. Also, my mind got overloaded after spending so much time concentrating. As a result, the test did not end up testing my true knowledge and ability. In a real-life situation, I would have used this ASL structure properly in multiple different ways as they arose, but I got stuck on only one way while writing the test, making my answer on one (or potentially two) questions partially incorrect. I hate anxiety, and school brings it out in me to the max because it forces me to constantly push myself to study, study, study no matter what, and to do everything as quickly as possible because there is always more work piling in and I need to keep on top of it. This makes me very anxious and stressed, and drains all my energy. My grades are of utmost importance to me. I think they would be so much better without the anxiety, but I have a lot of difficulty controlling it, even though I often am aware of the fact that it's irrational, like I am aware now that getting stuck on these two questions is irrational because the test is done and it's only a small portion of the test. But the truth is that I can't sleep and now I'm wasting my time thinking about this, which takes away the time I could have spent working on other things.

f**k my relationship. I'm going to end it. He shows me no passion whatsoever. Absolutely none. Even when we had sex, it's like he wasn't really there. I can't live like this for the rest of my life.

Now that I'm coming out of my depression, I find the fact that everything has been stale of over a year impossible to ignore.