scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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-8 Like a spent Kleenex, but whatever.

-5. I had a feeling I really liked about an hour ago. I was very excited/jittery and on edge but it felt good in a way. It felt really good. I'm not sure if it was my Tourette's starting to come back as the Seroquel was wearing off and I still hadn't taken it yet. That's what I thought because my hands were shaking. Maybe I was just hungry. Maybe I was just tired.

I know I said I felt good but I wondered if it was because my medication was wearing off and that reminded me of a past obsession and I started wishing I had a psychotic disorder again. I don't think about it as often anymore and I'm not planning on inducing stimulant psychosis anymore but I felt a sense of longing on my way home.

Thought process:

1. My medication is wearing off and it feels good at the moment
2. I'm on Seroquel for Tourette's.
3. Seroquel is an anti-psychotic.
4. I wish I had a psychotic disorder.
5. I was going to use Adderall to induce stimulant psychosis at one point but I never found any
6. Adderall is used to treat ADHD
7. Methylphenidate is also used to treat ADHD
8. I have methylphenidate in the form of concerta at home
9. I want to use that methylphenidate
10. I have to cut the pill open and remove the extended release mechanism and then I have to crush it first
11. I can't do that now. My parents would hear me crushing it.
12. I still want to do it soon.

A lot of things were going through my mind at once. I wish I had a psychotic disorder. I want to try those pills at home. It's all wants and longings. The wish and the desire makes me feel impatient, restless, and disappointed. That's why I'm at -5 even though it started with a feeling I liked. I liked the jittery, energetic, and shaky feeling I was having earlier. It just reminded me of other things.

Rather annoyed. I wish people would realize throwing bits of snow/dirt at my window to get my attention, shouting my name from another room, tapping and other loud things were not ways to communicate with me.

I don't so much mind if my brother wistles from somewhere to get my attention, but for **** sake why does it gotta be like 5 or more times consistently regardless of who's sleeping.

I mean would it be so bad if people just came to my room and talk to me and tell me what they want instead of constantly expecting me to stop what I am doing, wake up if I am taking a nap and quickly go to them? Or when someone is coming down to my room they don't gotta shout my name before they enter.

+5
-5: my arm is broken, fractured up by my shoulder. Hurts like bloody H---. Angry at myself for being such a clutz.
+10: auntblabby - most amazing person ever, I don't have the right words at the moment
= +5
He Rescued and healed my heart. Now I just have to heal this #%~*€ broken arm.

-5 I'm done arguing with the delusional.

-9 More crap. The story of my life right now. A few days ago mom had to be rushed to the hospital for a severe MRSA infection. She is real to the extreme. In the last few weeks we had to call 911 several times. My dad dislocated his hip twice (ended up in the hospital and needed another.... I repeat another hip replacement). I overdosed ended up in the mental hospital for almost 2 weeks, had to be taken by ambulance. I had to call 911 because the pharmacist and a nurse (on a nurse hotline) thought I was having a deadly reaction to one of my pills that I just started in the hospital. I am still going to the doctor about it on Monday, it turned out its more likely that its an opposite reaction (its a blood pressure pill and that its also supposed to help anxiety) so instead of lowering my blood pressure and anxiety it increased it 100 times. So, its a several week long panic attack (as people know most panic attacks last only 10-30 minutes... imagine having one for weeks and getting worse each day!) and increasing my blood pressure. The hospital was stupid in taking me off of a blood pressure medicine that WORKED. Luckily now I am off that bad pill and feel a little better, but my anxiety is high because of all the stress but at least its not a continuous panic attack. At least now we took care of the water leak we had for a year! That is why its -9. Not -10. The ONLY good news we received this ENTIRE year is that my brother received a contract for his app to buy 1000 of them. But.... we had this before with other companies. They all had one thing in common. Scam or liars. Then remember long ago I talked about the pet funeral place that basically wanted to hire me? They lied so people lie all the time so they die. I am so jumpy right now, the slightest sound just makes me jump. I am also irritable and I am NOT an irritable person. It is just too overwhelming.

I still feel like killing myself, even more so today. Still not sure what number that is.

Overwhelmed by sadness about things that I can't control anyway, makes it all the worse I guess.
Some number.

+3/-2.

I had a dream that I was told I was boring and people stopped talking to me. It made me realize that it's probably true...

Edit: Ok, just had a weird moment where it felt like I was going to breakdown and cry... but now I feel better. O_o

Had a "no-life" weekend. Still quite fun with online friends playing video games and i finally got to chat with a fellow aspie on WP for the first time.

+6

0 - If I knew what I know now, I wouldn't have made that incontinence thread here in The Haven in Early 2007 because I would have been aware that someone that I look up to in the here and now has the same predicament that I have and he's had it for years since the 60s.

Some wise ass said that I put her off that day in this thread and now I wish that I didn't look back at my early posts in this thread.

I am alright now, but I am just not happy, not much else to say.
-2

+1 and rising slowly...

Not getting as much writing done as I'd like, but the depression is lifting after getting some potentially-good news in regard to visitation of my boys!

Now if I could just write faster... change of methodology - I'll do a "sloppy copy" first, perfect it AFTER.

-2. The letter is now in my figurative sent box. I was kinda sad this morning because I realised that I've never felt it was safe to ask for things (in a job security sense). Like I've never been in a position to. Like I should be grateful somebody finds my disordered ass employable even at base level. Oh wait, that's not a feeling, that's what they actually said in other words years ago soon after I started. I'm angry that I was made to feel mentally entrapped for so long.

Felt pretty messed up for a week now, no energy today so I can't do any work on my projects, it's another day wasted with no let up in sight.
I'm not good at picking negative numbers.