Rants

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I have an exam later and I am nervous and panicking. If I fail it the university could kick me out... forever. I failed last semester and I was only allowed to come back to college on "academic probation". If I fail this subject it could be the end for me.

I need help... please.

I f'ing hate myself! Why do I have to be such a douche, especially to my mum?

I am hideous. I am a fat glob of visual pollution. I am a f*****g butch freak of gender fuckups that should never have been born. I FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL at being attractive and being a woman.

I would do more good for the world if I was chopped up and fed to a starving tiger. It would get a lot of meat off my fat arse.

I want the technology to exist that makes you invisible, so even I didn't have to look at me in reflections.

Why the f**k did I end up with the chromosomes I got? f**k that s**t. I don't think I'd make a good man, either - but I'm an absolute stinking abomination of a woman. If I was actually transsexual, it would be simpler. I could just go and fix my body. I'm not transsexual; I'm just very very very very very very very very very very very very shite at being a woman.

Meanwhile, other people have real problems.

Feel like I want to stand outside and scream very loudly right now. Suppose I'd better go and try to do some relaxation instead if I want to stand any chance of getting some sleep later.

I know that's the way you feel but I remember seeing a photo of you and you weren't hideous at all. Just felt I wanted to say that.

I put on a lot of weight since I last posted any pictures (which is thankfully coming off now due to a fairly strict diet).

I think I was more down about not being a typical female, than anything else. I feel genderqueer, sometimes - and I don't like myself for it.

Well I hope you become a weight you feel comfortable with then puddingmouse; I've been both ends of the weight spectrum so understand how frustrating both are. I don't think there is such a thing as a typical female, at least I hope not as I wouldn't be considered that.

Somebody shoot me now - it wouldn't be too f*cking soon.

I feel like this all too often lately, it's hard.

You know what makes it tougher? I used to be totally self-sufficient in the 90's. I delivered pizza - still do - but I make nothing these days. My pay has been cut and stiffs are up to about 40% of my customers (9 stiffs out of 21 last night I worked).

I am homeless now, my car almost dead, and I work and work and work. I know what life can be, I was ok once, I had an apartment and a car and food and friends and even afforded a medicinal marijuana habit.

Everything I try to do now is impossible. I can't get a more efficient car to make more money, I can't get an apartment because my income is too low to qualify.

I have lost all my friends and family and I just don't know what to do anymore.

So, it's like shoot me or I will die on the streets.

Am sick of ranting , of losing my mind to confusion , of hiding . Hiding for what ? why ? for whom ? when ? Merging and attachment --> momentum ... to speak plainly and articulately , with compassion , feelings and thoughts , without evasive language .

What do i want to say ? What do i want to do ? How do i feel ?

....inspiration set yourself free , expand the circumference of the contained .

I am never going to heal completely. If I have a relationship with any man, it's going to be there, a third party poisoning my ability to trust. It sits at the back of my mind all the time. It has distorted my self-perception. I feel gutted - I mean like my insides have been drawn out and I'm left hollow. I feel like nature has a seam of evil that I fell into when I was young and I still have traces of evil in me and on me.

Why do people abuse?

Tired of dealing with racists and prejudices calling me ret*d and calling me racists slurs!

I have a new job and it is killing me. I wish my boss would stop talking to me. I'm there to work, not to be her new best friend. She asks me how I'm doing every time I see her. Why? What is the point of that? I could barely get words out today, I was so tired.

The job is worsening my tendinitis, I'm getting multiple migraines each week, I'm enraged all day from having to be around people on the bus, I'm exhausted from all the traveling, and I'd rather be dead than continue like this. Of course, SSA just denied my appeal.

Wow you are dealing with racist slurs in Mountain View? F*ck that.

Aw Let me know if you wanna talk. I'm feeling a little lonely too

I feel like an idiot... I should have slapped someone in the face while I still had the chance to

I let someone get under my skin today, when I know better. I don't know how to deal with him, because he is constantly playing dumb and this annoys the crap out of me. He finds aggravating me entertaining, but it just makes me miserable. People just make me miserable.