Rants

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I have new neighbors. They have 2 pit bulls. They let them out in the yard with no leash and I'm not sure if they are even always watching them when they are out. The yard is not fully fenced in. They could run out through the driveway and get run over. They can also get through the fence in places.

Today I looked out and saw one of the dogs chase a pregnant cat into the next yard. I'm glad that she came back through after the dogs came in or I'd be worrying that the dog killed her and her dead body was laying behind the building next door. I would have had to check after the dogs came in.

Something needs to be done before she has the kittens and they are big enough that she brings them out into our yard or the next door yard. I don't want the dogs to kill them and they'll be too little to get away.

I can't take the cat in. She is feral and there are other feral cats around where I live. My cat is the brother of the pregnant cat. I managed to catch him last year when he was tiny and not feral yet but I couldn't catch the other two. I managed to catch mine because he was the runt of the litter and sickly so he wasn't as scared and able to run away as the other two.

I don't know if the landlord knows they have pit bulls or if he would allow them. They shouldn't be loose in the unfenced yard. That might be against the leash law and my landlord knows that feral cats live in or take shelter in his garage and doesn't stop them.

I've been really paranoid about my cat getting out in the hall ever since I got him and now it's ever worse. Now if he gets in the hall I'll be scared they'll let the dogs out and they'll kill him.

These people also dumped garbage in the back of the yard, have loads of garbage by the back of the house that they didn't take out on garbage day, and sometimes leave the outside doors unlocked.

I have to know if love exists and whether I can connect with anyone in the world. I once was connected to someone, before I was born and I guess that's where the feeling of loss comes from. I keep pouring my heart out like a glass of blood orange juice and trying to get people to drink it. People throw it back at me until I'm soaked in my own emotions. If I can't connect with anyone, I feel like killing myself, but I don't really want to kill myself. I don't have it in me. I could never kill myself; I don't know if that makes me a coward. Killing myself would be even more pointless than living, anyway. I have to live and keep getting hurt. Even when I'm in private mode and on the quiet little beach of my inner self, I hear the shriek of loneliness - the most discordant sound there is. It breaks into your very being and burgles your identity. You never completely stop hearing it. When it's loud, I can't even move or speak out of fear.

I keep getting migraines. I have an ear infection. I'm going to die. I'm not beautiful. Everything is very strange. I'm not going anywhere in life, except towards death. I don't know where I was to go in life. I guess no-one ever really goes anywhere, except towards death. People dismiss most of reality and live in a tiny fraction of it. I want to know someone who wants to see a bigger fraction of life.

((((Puddingmouse))))

We don't talk much but I like you, I think you are pretty and I like the world better with you in it.

Even though you don't have the cute little avatar you had when I first got here anymore

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Thanks, OOM. I was trying to express how I felt after exposing my feelings to someone and having them make fun of me for it. I'm glad you like reading my posts. I like reading yours and the forum wouldn't be the same without you.

Sometimes, I'm really disgusted with myself. It's as if I'm blind to the lighter side of life most of the time.

I'm so f*****g sick of everything. My mom and "stepfather" have caused so much BS, and most of it didn't involve me at all, but I've still been incredibly stressed out with their arguments and my "stepfather"'s bizarre behavior over the years and just when it looked like things were getting better, something happened again. Even when I'm not depressed I'm incredibly unmotivated and lethargic and it's hard to get basic tasks done, so living on my own doesn't sound spectacular. I have no job, have never had a romantic partner, and the depression and other things I suffer from make the few glimmers of hope I do have duller.

What's the f*****g point in anything?
I f*****g hate everything.
I used to love everything.
I had forgiven everyone for the stupid stuff they've done without even them even knowing they'd done it.

I just don't don't see why I should carry on. I go round in circles like this, actually feeling okay about life, and then go back to hating everything and being in so much pain. Why not end it? Why continue this stupid pointless circle?
There's no point to life (well not to me, our main goal as humans is to reproduce in my opinion), this is ridiculous, living a life with so much pain and not enough happiness...I wish I believed in God, so I felt like I had a purpose, well I don't, so chances are I'm going to end it within the next few years.

I've been bloody suicidal for most of my life. I wish I had ended it sooner.

Pain meds interfere/prevent the healing of fractured bones, damage one's liver, & cause me to be too sleepy. Yesterday I simply stopped taking all my pain meds, so that my broken humerus might heal more readily. But no one in this house wants to help with chores, not really, so I end up vacuuming, wasing dishes, cooking dinners, watering plants, and cleaning cat boxes. i try to keep the arm from moving, but the stabilizer device doesn't work well. By the end of the day ithe break area is swollen, dark purple, and is in huge pain, especially without any pain meds.

Sometimes people seem to believe I'm emotionless, uncaring, or maybe even robotic sometimes. I may choose not to wear my emotions on my sleeve, but kicking me in the gut repeatly isn't going to make them spew. I don't want to go round the merry go round because you just end up where you start, and maybe some people will learn that after a few thousand more rotations.

I'm really not what I used to be, perhaps I've overdone things in my life which is why people I know don't like or care about me anymore, or at least compared to what it used to be like. I also dislike how people want my help for nothing in return, but having said that, I'm too nice so what else can one expect... But I'm a bit fed up, and feel very alone. That's Ten's rant today.

I only realized about three days ago that I had accidentally been skipping the Welbutrin. It causes forgetfulness, and I've been on it long enough for that to be a problem. I'm now back on the proper schedule and writing it down so I don't forget. I still had enough of a blood level to not be too severely effected although I was/am pretty depressed. Today is the third day of my new "writing it down so I remember twice a day, every day" thing, I've been having a horrible time dealing with stress. Today I made myself stay out of bed and actually get back to my normal household routine, knowing that in a day or so I'd be back to my normal self, but financial worries have been at the back of my mind all day. Then I went and got the mail and we have to go to court for my youngest daughter.

It's the shoplifting thing I bet.

It could also be a premature reaction to a several day absence she had last week which she turned the doctors excuse in for Monday when she went back.

It's probably the shoplifting though.

I have to call the boy at the drug store tomorrow and talk to him, since I'll have minutes then. I just do not have the energy to deal with this right now!!

I have walked over to my mom's today, twice, to use the phone and dealt with the heat and the pollen and the insuing headache and the fact that it was made worse by the snowdrifts of dog hair I swept up in the house. I was almost finished with my housework when the mail came. I have not done the kitchen. F*ck it. I'm done today! I'm putting on comfy clothes and sitting here for a few then laying down in my bed and closing my eyes and wishing I could sleep.

I can't win for losing!

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

I'm sick of the way people make me feel. I'm tired of not feeling like I can fit in anywhere, not even here. I hate the way people treat me and look at me. I hate not knowing what I should be doing or where I should belong.

I want to be someone else.

...

DELETE

I just completely lost it and behaved in a selfish and stupid manner. Only really serves to hurt. It would be nice to have some sane form of communication.