Rants

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I haven't felt this bad in ages, I almost forgot the feeling. It's so f*****g difficult to withstand. The whole feeling of being washed away by a tsunami inside.

Went clubbing with my female friends, couldn't even convince them to dance with me. I hate that I'm so awkward and boring even to my friends and that there's nothing that I can do about it. I feel like one of those character in a romance novel which the female protagonists marries because of financial gain and eventually leaves him because he can't fulfill her romantic needs - and I'm the only one who seems to sympathize with those characters.

Yes, I'm hiding out away from you. I didn't invite you, and I don't feel up to playing hostess for you. Every. Single. Weekend.

My sister does nothing but cause problems.Since both our parents are gone.She is going to relatives on Facebook asking for money.I have locked her out of my FB site.I have told her to go to a credit counselor, but she has become like my mother. It is sad what she is doing.
It is also an embarrassment to me . She is I think has AS and Bio-polar, but does not know or care.Thank you for listening.

Why is everything so difficult? My mom is the best person I know but she has the worst luck. She has so many problems that she tries to hide from us. I wish I could help her and give her some comfort but I'm so unstable myself I can't and if I tried and she finds out how bad I am, that will just cause her even more stress.

I had it all planned out in my head, what to say, but when I went to speak to her, I couldn't even look in her direction let alone speak. I wish I was better at being a decent human being. I wish my mom could find a stable job, one that she doesn't actually hate. I wish her partner would love her the way she still loves him, the way she deserves. I wish live was freaking fair for a change.

I can't seem to do everything right today. My mom had to drive me to work because my bus didn't show up. I also got yelled at by my brother for not waking him from his nap to pick his girlfriend up from work.

I don't mind having Asperger's, but I'm sick of being an introvert. I wish I could be more social and know what to say most of the time. They say weight is not an issue, but I feel as it is, because it makes me less beautiful, as I am several pounds overweight. The only reason I gained this unnecessary weight is because of this stupid Anafranil that I'm on to control my Asperger's-related stress, and nobody will let me off it. I always considered my boyfriend my light of my life, and I don't know what I'll do if I ever lose him.

Hope tomorrow will be better, I know that feeling. Hang in there, sleep well, and have a better day in the morning.

What.is.wrong.with.me.

What is wrong with me?

No, I am not depressed because of abuse or neglect or genetic predisposition. I am depressed because of people. There is nothing wrong with people, it is all me. Why would I have a friend? It is up to her to stay or leave. I have no say. I don't have the social skills. But it wasn't perfect to begin with. I wish I knew what to do.

Yesterday
Hey, can we go to Newbury street to buy two things I already know what they are before going to school?
Ok.

Hey, now that we're here can we walk to Chinatown, We need some souvenirs.
I don't need souvenirs.
Ok, I'm the one who needs them but this is the last thing I need to shop for and I don't want to come here again either.
Ok

Hey, I just had a great idea!
There is a Macy's in the way and they are selling half price Levi's and...
No.


AAAAAAAARRRGGGHHHH WHY U NO GEDDIT!

Perhaps she does now, I explained her just how much I hated shopping plus my resolve to let her go on her own next time and all next times, apparently she didn't go to a mall yesterday because I wouldn't be going with her but that's for the best, honestly, she could do with spending less money on clothing anyway

I will preface this by saying that dealing with people on the spectrum has it's difficulties. But...

I am extremely tired of the attitude some people seem to present that they deserve a f#cking medal for including someone with AS in their lives. Look how patient, tolerant, and accepting I am because I am putting up with one of you @ssholes voluntarily. What the h#ll are you looking for, a certificate of commendation?!? Are you going to take us to prom too?!? How f#cking open minded of you.

Just had to spit that one out there.

First of all, stop your whining. You HARDLY took care of the big dog all week. Sure, you fed him probably three times. I've been feeding him, walking/running him, giving him discipline, playing with him, picking up his sh*t, and holding him back from lunging at unfamiliar people. The one moment I say that I'm tired and I don't want to walk him, you go off on a rant of your own and claim that I do nothing with him. NOTHING. F*ck you.

Second, I'm not the source of the drama around here. Let me point you in the direction of the fifteen year old satanic spawn you dare have the audacity to call my younger sister. I have never, EVER hurt you physically, and I respect you too much to argue and throw a tantrum like her. She, on the other hand, seems to thrive on punching, slapping, and throwing harmful language to anyone, including my own grandmother, who doesn't have a mean bone in her body. Fix that little b*tch, and stop yelling at me for things SHE dragged me into. That pathetic apology doesn't sum up the amount of times she has dragged me into a conflict I've wanted nothing to do with. Ground her, take away her stuff, I don't care. PUNISH HER, NOT ME.

//rant

SON OF A b***h! I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU CALLED ME A motherf****ng c**t!! !! !!

YOU, SIR, ARR NOTHING MORE THAN A PIECE OF s**t THAT SHOULD BE SHOT DEAD!! !! !

SO, f**k YOU YOU GODDAMN motherf****ng c**t!! !! PUT ME IN THE PENALTY BOX!! !! c***s!! !!

AND WHILE YOU'RE AT, f**k YOU FOR CALLING ME A motherf****ng TERRORIST, YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING c**t!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!

I f***ing hate the way I look! I hate my body, it makes me look like a f***ing whale! I wanted to get lipo, but no, too dangerous, they said. How the f*** do they know!? I mean, I'm less attractive than my brother's girlfriend. *sigh* The trouble I go through trying to lose weight nowadays frustrates me sometimes...

I was called overweight today. To put this into perspective I am currently 51kgs and 170cm tall. My boyfriend is a jerk, he forced me onto the "keto" diet about a couple of months ago because he was self conscious about his appearance. So if he's fat, I must be fat too and be shamed about the way I look! He's been calling me fat ever since.

I grew up with a positive body image despite having the lowest self confidence in the world, I was the envy of my sisters and my friends who were amazed at how I could scoff down two caramel slices and not get fat. I realize as I get older my metabolism is slowing down and it is easier to get fat. He wasn't always so demeaning, he once thought I was the most beautiful woman in existence. That's changed, despite his attempts at trying to make me feel like a whale I still think I am beautiful and always put an effort to dress nicely, fix my hair and put on makeup. He wants me to be 44 kg, have a big ass.........grrr I am not a pornstar!

I used to be as low as 42kg a year ago and since putting on weight I've been told I look so much better. I don't want to go back and I don't want to feel unhappy.