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hurtloam
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15 Mar 2019, 12:57 am

Those are good questions Kara.

I've got an issue with obsessive thought patterns. I really need to make an effort to readjust my thinking if I go down a black hole of negativity.

I used to think bad things about myself that would go round and round my head. I latch on to phrases that I think like mantras. Not sure why. Is it a stim? Anyway. I've struggled through and I'm managing to be free of some of my darker thoughts.

What helped me is focussing on other things. Being positive does not make a problem go away. It helps you cope with it and to find enjoyment in other things.

Markins and I like art. I moved to a cultural city. I now have easy access to arty things. That gives me a lot of joy. I'm still not feeling well enough to do any art myself, working full time and trying to keep the house clean is zapping my energy, but drawing again is something I'm working up to. Goals do help my outlook.



The Grand Inquisitor
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15 Mar 2019, 12:23 pm

karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
How can you be sure that your lack of relationship is the source of your depression, rather than your level of fixation on that particular issue? Marknis seems to have some issues with obsessive thought patterns and relationships seems to be one of his fixations to an unhealthy extent. So how do you know it's the lack of relationship that is causing the depression? How can you be certain it's that and not due to the unhealthy level of fixation and negative thought loops on that particular issue?

Well I can't speak for Marknis, so I'll address my own depression.

My depression started to set on directly as a result of an inability to cultivate relationships of a romantic nature. I know this both because the link was obvious on the onset, and in the few instances where I have been talking to someone with romantic connotations that had the potential to evolve into a relationship (all online mind you), the depression was temporarily lifted, only to return in full force when things fell through and it was revealed to me that what I'd hoped would be my first relationship never turned out to be.

Additionally, again I can't speak for Marknis, but I don't see any evidence present to suggest I have a negative thought loop, or any kind of distorted thinking. I examine the situation for what it is and make inferences based on observations, like for instance, I've never had a partner before, so the likelihood of that changing in 6 months' time is exceptionally low if nothing else in my life is modified that might be a catalyst for that change. I don't make absolute statements like "I'll never get a girlfriend" or even "There is no possible way I can get a girlfriend as I am right now", but I would rather realistically assess the situation so I can work to improve it than put my head in the clouds and just hope.

Essentially you're asking whether the actual problem is the problem, or whether dwelling on the problem is the problem, and whilst dwelling can make things worse, not working out how to fix the problem could very well mean it's never solved.

If you have a power outage lasting a month and you get frustrated because you can't turn on the lights, use your phone, computer, fans, etc, is the power outage the problem, or is your attitude in relation to the power outage the problem? I mean after all, if you didn't care about having electricity in your house, you'd be fine with a power outage, right? The same way if I didn't care about having a relationship, not having a relationship wouldn't be a problem.

In the same way that very few people would make their peace with a long-term power outage and just accept it, I can't make my peace with a lacking romantic history and no reason to believe that I will have a partner (at least in the foreseeable future). The difference is that unlike a power outage, not being able to get a relationship when you want one over a long period of time is feasibly a reflection of your personal faults, and so it goes beyond just being inconvenient.

I'd like you to point me in the direction of someone who strongly desires a romantic relationship and has done so over a long period of time (years), who has never had a relationship and who's not depressed about their love life, because I don't think such a person exists, and if they do, they're very rare. Typically those who really want a relationship and have never had one end up quite depressed. If it wasn't so impactful to be romantically lonely and single your whole life despite your wishes, you wouldn't have as many of the lonely single posts as you do in the L & D forum, and I very much doubt that "incels" would be a thing. Incels only exist in the way that they do because being single your whole life and never being able to get a relationship in spite of a strong desire is more painful than you can grasp if you've never been through it. In their case though, their frustration and depression manifests itself in very destructive ways.



Fireblossom
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15 Mar 2019, 1:45 pm

Quote:
I'd like you to point me in the direction of someone who strongly desires a romantic relationship and has done so over a long period of time (years), who has never had a relationship and who's not depressed about their love life, because I don't think such a person exists, and if they do, they're very rare.


You called?

It's not like I'm happy with my (lack of) love life, but it doesn't make me depressed. I have a lot of other problems that depress me though, so maybe I just have no energy left to worry about my love life so much.



hurtloam
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15 Mar 2019, 2:27 pm

The Grand Inquisitor there is a difference between you and Markins though. You aren't given to frantic dramatic despair. You engage in conversation. Markins just defaults back to the same old same old no matter what we say to him. He does have repetitive thoughts on here. I can relate to that. I've done that to my friends. Said the same old thing over and over. They got sick of it so I started bugging you guys on here instead.

You seem to be coping better.

I relate to this:

Quote:
that had the potential to evolve into a relationship (all online mind you), the depression was temporarily lifted, only to return in full force when things fell through and it was revealed to me that what I'd hoped would be my first relationship never turned out to be.


It's such a great feeling when I meet someone new and the pain when it doesn't become anything us horrific. I think my heart is just all scars now.

I'm having a bad day today.



karathraceandherspecialdestiny
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15 Mar 2019, 6:06 pm

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
How can you be sure that your lack of relationship is the source of your depression, rather than your level of fixation on that particular issue? Marknis seems to have some issues with obsessive thought patterns and relationships seems to be one of his fixations to an unhealthy extent. So how do you know it's the lack of relationship that is causing the depression? How can you be certain it's that and not due to the unhealthy level of fixation and negative thought loops on that particular issue?

Well I can't speak for Marknis, so I'll address my own depression.

My depression started to set on directly as a result of an inability to cultivate relationships of a romantic nature. I know this both because the link was obvious on the onset, and in the few instances where I have been talking to someone with romantic connotations that had the potential to evolve into a relationship (all online mind you), the depression was temporarily lifted, only to return in full force when things fell through and it was revealed to me that what I'd hoped would be my first relationship never turned out to be.

Additionally, again I can't speak for Marknis, but I don't see any evidence present to suggest I have a negative thought loop, or any kind of distorted thinking. I examine the situation for what it is and make inferences based on observations, like for instance, I've never had a partner before, so the likelihood of that changing in 6 months' time is exceptionally low if nothing else in my life is modified that might be a catalyst for that change. I don't make absolute statements like "I'll never get a girlfriend" or even "There is no possible way I can get a girlfriend as I am right now", but I would rather realistically assess the situation so I can work to improve it than put my head in the clouds and just hope.

Essentially you're asking whether the actual problem is the problem, or whether dwelling on the problem is the problem, and whilst dwelling can make things worse, not working out how to fix the problem could very well mean it's never solved.

If you have a power outage lasting a month and you get frustrated because you can't turn on the lights, use your phone, computer, fans, etc, is the power outage the problem, or is your attitude in relation to the power outage the problem? I mean after all, if you didn't care about having electricity in your house, you'd be fine with a power outage, right? The same way if I didn't care about having a relationship, not having a relationship wouldn't be a problem.

In the same way that very few people would make their peace with a long-term power outage and just accept it, I can't make my peace with a lacking romantic history and no reason to believe that I will have a partner (at least in the foreseeable future). The difference is that unlike a power outage, not being able to get a relationship when you want one over a long period of time is feasibly a reflection of your personal faults, and so it goes beyond just being inconvenient.

I'd like you to point me in the direction of someone who strongly desires a romantic relationship and has done so over a long period of time (years), who has never had a relationship and who's not depressed about their love life, because I don't think such a person exists, and if they do, they're very rare. Typically those who really want a relationship and have never had one end up quite depressed. If it wasn't so impactful to be romantically lonely and single your whole life despite your wishes, you wouldn't have as many of the lonely single posts as you do in the L & D forum, and I very much doubt that "incels" would be a thing. Incels only exist in the way that they do because being single your whole life and never being able to get a relationship in spite of a strong desire is more painful than you can grasp if you've never been through it. In their case though, their frustration and depression manifests itself in very destructive ways.


I don't think you can equate living without power in the modern era with living alone. I live alone and I'm not depressed over it, but I wouldn't be able to function without power because I wouldn't be able to do any of the things I love like watch movies or listen to music or talk to my friends online. It is indeed possible to be a single person and to function just fine in the world and not be depressed, and it's because those single people don't spend all their time thinking about what they're supposedly missing out on and just live their lives and do things they enjoy by themselves. Maybe you don't do this as much as Marknis does, the fixating on this single issue, but it sounds like you have convinced yourself you will always be depressed unless you find someone to be in a relationship with and so you are depressed. It might be equally possible to convince yourself that you can be OK on your own if you put as much energy and thought into that as you have convincing yourself that a relationship is the only thing that can fix you.



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15 Mar 2019, 8:22 pm

i learned the hard way that a relationship can't fix what's wrong [not functioning properly] with one's essence.



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15 Mar 2019, 10:57 pm

auntblabby wrote:
i learned the hard way that a relationship can't fix what's wrong [not functioning properly] with one's essence.


Exactly.


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16 Mar 2019, 9:51 am

karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
I don't think you can equate living without power in the modern era with living alone. I live alone and I'm not depressed over it, but I wouldn't be able to function without power because I wouldn't be able to do any of the things I love like watch movies or listen to music or talk to my friends online. It is indeed possible to be a single person and to function just fine in the world and not be depressed, and it's because those single people don't spend all their time thinking about what they're supposedly missing out on and just live their lives and do things they enjoy by themselves.


You can't do things you love without power and I can't have my intimate physical and emotional desires realised without a partner. In both cases we have to deal with an absence of something that we would much prefer to have. There are differences of course, but I don't think it's an unfair comparison overall.

I have never implied that it's impossible for single people to function in the world just fine and not be depressed by their single status. Many do, even those who desire a partner. Those who tend to get depressed by the absence of a partner are those who perceive that the possibility of finding a partner is relatively low or non-existent, and of course who desire a partner.

People who are in between relationships and are able to get in them with relative ease, or who have had a partner in the not-to distant past, or who don't have a strong desire for a partner, or perhaps who have friends with benefits, etc are in a different category than those who desire a relationship strongly, and have never had one, or those who desire a relationship strongly with minimal relationship history and whose last relationship was in the distant past, despite trying to get one in the recent past. The latter, despite their wishes, have little reason to expect that things will change for them, while the former either have reason to believe that they will find another relationship in due time based on their past experiences or aren't that bothered about the absence of a relationship.


karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
Maybe you don't do this as much as Marknis does, the fixating on this single issue, but it sounds like you have convinced yourself you will always be depressed unless you find someone to be in a relationship with and so you are depressed. It might be equally possible to convince yourself that you can be OK on your own if you put as much energy and thought into that as you have convincing yourself that a relationship is the only thing that can fix you.

I think we can agree that Marknis' thought loops aren't serving him well in life. I think Marknis would probably have to agree with that too, but that doesn't mean that the discrepancy between Marknis' romantic desires and his lack of a love life isn't a problem that needs to be solved also. Even if Marknis is having trouble with some of his thoughts, it doesn't mean if he untangles them that the relationship issue will cease to be a problem, in fact I'd wager it wouldn't. I was more like Marknis in my teens years with the intense fixation and negative self-talk and all the rest of it, and I would credit a keen interest in logic, and the sharpening of my ability to dissect things logically with getting to where I am now from there. I don't harbour baseless negative beliefs like I did back then.

Now, most of what you might consider negative thoughts or beliefs (though I don't consider them as such) are more along the lines of realistic inferences based on available information and evidence, like for instance if I change nothing in my life and approach, it is considerably unlikely that I will get a girlfriend in the next six months, based on the fact that I've never had one in the past having lived and approached things the same way. That's very different from If I don't get a girlfriend soon it'll be too late. Despite breaking out of some of the negative thought patterns, when I am reminded of or happen to think of my inability to get a relationship, I'm just as depressed by it as before. I just don't get sucked into or distracted by negative thought patterns as easily, and I'm more likely to consider where I might have gone wrong and what I could do differently to bring about more favourable results.

I haven't convinced myself I need anything. I have biological drives that have never been met and as a result the strength of the desire has compounded, in a similar fashion as the longer you go without water, the more you want water, or the longer you go without electricity, the more you want electricity. I don't see any way to change my desire, and even if there is a way, I doubt it would be easier to change it than it would be to do what I need to do to have it met.

Another thing I'd like to clarify is that I don't necessarily need a relationship to be content, but I need good reason to assume that a relationship will come in due time, which never having been in one doesn't provide me. I firmly believe that after I've had two decent relationships (because one might be a fluke), that I will not feel so down about being single, because rather than having never dated and having no reason to expect that to change, I'd be in between relationships with proof that it is possible for me to get into a relationship.



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16 Mar 2019, 11:14 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
I don't think you can equate living without power in the modern era with living alone. I live alone and I'm not depressed over it, but I wouldn't be able to function without power because I wouldn't be able to do any of the things I love like watch movies or listen to music or talk to my friends online. It is indeed possible to be a single person and to function just fine in the world and not be depressed, and it's because those single people don't spend all their time thinking about what they're supposedly missing out on and just live their lives and do things they enjoy by themselves.


You can't do things you love without power and I can't have my intimate physical and emotional desires realised without a partner. In both cases we have to deal with an absence of something that we would much prefer to have. There are differences of course, but I don't think it's an unfair comparison overall.


I don't think that comparison works. People don't just use electricity for stuff they like but also for necessary things, like cooking, paying bills, working, heating up their place etc. For example my apartment doesn't have a wooden fireplace or anything like that, so if I didn't have electricity here I could've frozen to death when it was -20 outside not too long ago.

Of course, if we talk about only not being allowed to use electricity on hobbies or other things not completely necessary for survival, then the comparison does work.



Marknis
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16 Mar 2019, 2:43 pm

Fireblossom wrote:
Marknis wrote:
Yes, I have tried to go out more to meet women. I went to a lot of the events in the Meet Up group I am technically still a member of but I keep getting pushed into the background because I don't drink like 99.1% of the people who are members of the group do. I also tried to talk to one of the women in the group and see if she wanted to talk outside an event when another member here (Yes, contrary to popular perception about me, I have indeed taken advice from others) suggested I do so but she never responded to me and I haven't seen her for nearly a year now. I really don't have any female friends that I see regularly. The last ones I actually did hang out with became ex-friends and I have failed to establish any new platonic female friends despite my best efforts. I am friends with my girlfriend's cousin but I only ever see her at family gatherings or when we go to music shows with my older cousin because she is not social with me outside of those circumstances.

It wasn't kraftiekortie who said that first. It was someone who thought I only wanted a girlfriend just to prove to others I can get one.

I know quite a number of women but nearly all of the ones I see or hear from are in some sort of relationship.


Do you still go to that meetup group? How long have you been going there? Just because you haven't gotten results yet over there doesn't mean you never will... I started to go to anime conventions in 2011, and in 2013 I started to keep an eye open for interesting guys who might be pontential partners while I went to those. Results? I got the contact information of a potential guy less than a month ago for the first time. Six years after I started looking for a potential man for a relationship from those places (of course I've kept an eye open in other places too, but this is the first time I even manage to get contact information.) Six years Markins, six years. This proves that a) just because one can't get results right away doesn't mean one won't get them at all and b) it's not easy for women either (well, as far as I know, you never said it was, but just in case you've thought that was the case.) I mean sure, it's just the contact information, but it's a big step for me. Too early to wonder if this will really go anywhere, but it's a step in the right direction. I didn't give up and eventually got a bit of results after years of trying, so don't you give up either.

It wasn't? Well, he's the one who I remember saying it. The point is that it's a good point.

So what if the women you know are all in relationships? Unless you (or them) are afraid of their partners beating you (or them) up for interracting with the opposite sex, I'd say you should make an effort to be their friend. You'll get practice at socializing and if you actually become friends, the chances that they will introduce you to their other friends get higher and among those other friends there could be some single women.


I haven't gone since January. They plan on having a St. Patrick's gaming event tonight but I've attended the one from last year and it wasn't enjoyable at all so I don't want to go again. It was a storm of drunkenness and cussing; America's version of St. Patrick's Day is a joke anyway. I've been a member of the group since 2016.

It was someone who was claiming I only wanted a girlfriend just to prove to others I could get one. The same person was also expressing distress how she can't kiss every boy on Earth but yet told me I needed to accept that I may never have a partner. :roll:

Not all these women are my friends, though. Many of them are people I have to interact with at work and they have their own social circles outside of work so there isn't room for me in their worlds. Some of them are not friendly towards me and have talked s**t about me behind my back so I wouldn't want to hang out with them anyway.



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16 Mar 2019, 2:58 pm

karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:

Marknis seems to have some issues with obsessive thought patterns and relationships seems to be one of his fixations to an unhealthy extent.


Even before I became depressed, I was sad that I didn't have a girlfriend in my school years while many of my male classmates did. I also hated how girls were chasing after my older brother but not me. Some of them would only talk to me just to ask me where he was or tell me he was "hot". Even when he was in a relationship, he was still chased after and even flirted on. One of the girls who did even sent nude pics of herself to him, even one of herself masturbating with a pencil. He called her a "hoe" and I actually broke down crying when she flirted with him again despite him pushing her away. So no, it's not a simple fixation. Years of being pushed into my older brother's shadow, being rejected when I have tried, and given messages that I either have to become a redneck or hip hop thug or some other type of "bad boy" or I am doomed have made me feel depressed and hopeless.



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16 Mar 2019, 3:00 pm

Marknis wrote:
Fireblossom wrote:
Marknis wrote:
Yes, I have tried to go out more to meet women. I went to a lot of the events in the Meet Up group I am technically still a member of but I keep getting pushed into the background because I don't drink like 99.1% of the people who are members of the group do. I also tried to talk to one of the women in the group and see if she wanted to talk outside an event when another member here (Yes, contrary to popular perception about me, I have indeed taken advice from others) suggested I do so but she never responded to me and I haven't seen her for nearly a year now. I really don't have any female friends that I see regularly. The last ones I actually did hang out with became ex-friends and I have failed to establish any new platonic female friends despite my best efforts. I am friends with my girlfriend's cousin but I only ever see her at family gatherings or when we go to music shows with my older cousin because she is not social with me outside of those circumstances.

It wasn't kraftiekortie who said that first. It was someone who thought I only wanted a girlfriend just to prove to others I can get one.

I know quite a number of women but nearly all of the ones I see or hear from are in some sort of relationship.


Do you still go to that meetup group? How long have you been going there? Just because you haven't gotten results yet over there doesn't mean you never will... I started to go to anime conventions in 2011, and in 2013 I started to keep an eye open for interesting guys who might be pontential partners while I went to those. Results? I got the contact information of a potential guy less than a month ago for the first time. Six years after I started looking for a potential man for a relationship from those places (of course I've kept an eye open in other places too, but this is the first time I even manage to get contact information.) Six years Markins, six years. This proves that a) just because one can't get results right away doesn't mean one won't get them at all and b) it's not easy for women either (well, as far as I know, you never said it was, but just in case you've thought that was the case.) I mean sure, it's just the contact information, but it's a big step for me. Too early to wonder if this will really go anywhere, but it's a step in the right direction. I didn't give up and eventually got a bit of results after years of trying, so don't you give up either.

It wasn't? Well, he's the one who I remember saying it. The point is that it's a good point.

So what if the women you know are all in relationships? Unless you (or them) are afraid of their partners beating you (or them) up for interracting with the opposite sex, I'd say you should make an effort to be their friend. You'll get practice at socializing and if you actually become friends, the chances that they will introduce you to their other friends get higher and among those other friends there could be some single women.


I haven't gone since January. They plan on having a St. Patrick's gaming event tonight but I've attended the one from last year and it wasn't enjoyable at all so I don't want to go again. It was a storm of drunkenness and cussing; America's version of St. Patrick's Day is a joke anyway. I've been a member of the group since 2016.

It was someone who was claiming I only wanted a girlfriend just to prove to others I could get one. The same person was also expressing distress how she can't kiss every boy on Earth but yet told me I needed to accept that I may never have a partner. :roll:

Not all these women are my friends, though. Many of them are people I have to interact with at work and they have their own social circles outside of work so there isn't room for me in their worlds. Some of them are not friendly towards me and have talked s**t about me behind my back so I wouldn't want to hang out with them anyway.


Hmm so what have you done to get results since January? Surely you've done something... right?

I can understand not even wanting to be friends with those who are rude to you, but what about the others? Have you tried to become their friend? Unless you really just "click" with someone from the start, friendships don't just magically appear for you. Effort is needed from both sides. Also, who says there's no room for you? Most people have more than just one group of friends, so even if you don't fit in one you might fit in to another or you could be the start of a new group.



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16 Mar 2019, 3:45 pm

Fireblossom wrote:
Marknis wrote:
Fireblossom wrote:
Marknis wrote:
Yes, I have tried to go out more to meet women. I went to a lot of the events in the Meet Up group I am technically still a member of but I keep getting pushed into the background because I don't drink like 99.1% of the people who are members of the group do. I also tried to talk to one of the women in the group and see if she wanted to talk outside an event when another member here (Yes, contrary to popular perception about me, I have indeed taken advice from others) suggested I do so but she never responded to me and I haven't seen her for nearly a year now. I really don't have any female friends that I see regularly. The last ones I actually did hang out with became ex-friends and I have failed to establish any new platonic female friends despite my best efforts. I am friends with my girlfriend's cousin but I only ever see her at family gatherings or when we go to music shows with my older cousin because she is not social with me outside of those circumstances.

It wasn't kraftiekortie who said that first. It was someone who thought I only wanted a girlfriend just to prove to others I can get one.

I know quite a number of women but nearly all of the ones I see or hear from are in some sort of relationship.


Do you still go to that meetup group? How long have you been going there? Just because you haven't gotten results yet over there doesn't mean you never will... I started to go to anime conventions in 2011, and in 2013 I started to keep an eye open for interesting guys who might be pontential partners while I went to those. Results? I got the contact information of a potential guy less than a month ago for the first time. Six years after I started looking for a potential man for a relationship from those places (of course I've kept an eye open in other places too, but this is the first time I even manage to get contact information.) Six years Markins, six years. This proves that a) just because one can't get results right away doesn't mean one won't get them at all and b) it's not easy for women either (well, as far as I know, you never said it was, but just in case you've thought that was the case.) I mean sure, it's just the contact information, but it's a big step for me. Too early to wonder if this will really go anywhere, but it's a step in the right direction. I didn't give up and eventually got a bit of results after years of trying, so don't you give up either.

It wasn't? Well, he's the one who I remember saying it. The point is that it's a good point.

So what if the women you know are all in relationships? Unless you (or them) are afraid of their partners beating you (or them) up for interracting with the opposite sex, I'd say you should make an effort to be their friend. You'll get practice at socializing and if you actually become friends, the chances that they will introduce you to their other friends get higher and among those other friends there could be some single women.


I haven't gone since January. They plan on having a St. Patrick's gaming event tonight but I've attended the one from last year and it wasn't enjoyable at all so I don't want to go again. It was a storm of drunkenness and cussing; America's version of St. Patrick's Day is a joke anyway. I've been a member of the group since 2016.

It was someone who was claiming I only wanted a girlfriend just to prove to others I could get one. The same person was also expressing distress how she can't kiss every boy on Earth but yet told me I needed to accept that I may never have a partner. :roll:

Not all these women are my friends, though. Many of them are people I have to interact with at work and they have their own social circles outside of work so there isn't room for me in their worlds. Some of them are not friendly towards me and have talked s**t about me behind my back so I wouldn't want to hang out with them anyway.


Hmm so what have you done to get results since January? Surely you've done something... right?

I can understand not even wanting to be friends with those who are rude to you, but what about the others? Have you tried to become their friend? Unless you really just "click" with someone from the start, friendships don't just magically appear for you. Effort is needed from both sides. Also, who says there's no room for you? Most people have more than just one group of friends, so even if you don't fit in one you might fit in to another or you could be the start of a new group.


I hang out at the local comic book store sometimes and I've went to my older brother's business against my better judgement. If you don't drink or smoke, the social scene dries up very fast.

I've tried to engage them in conversation but it either fizzles out very fast or it doesn't even start. I hate it so much.



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Posts: 34
Location: Europe

16 Mar 2019, 7:20 pm

What you need to realise is that females are shallow. If you want to get laid or get a gf then you need to work on yourself, you need to be as complete as possible.

Can you work on yourself? Too tired for it or you are just have too many flaws so its pointless anyways? Then do as i did, give up. Forget about females. Delete them from your mind.



Marknis
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Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,960
Location: The Vile Belt

16 Mar 2019, 10:47 pm

Habibi wrote:
What you need to realise is that females are shallow. If you want to get laid or get a gf then you need to work on yourself, you need to be as complete as possible.

Can you work on yourself? Too tired for it or you are just have too many flaws so its pointless anyways? Then do as i did, give up. Forget about females. Delete them from your mind.


BS! The most shallow people on this planet are the male rednecks and hip hop thugs who called me "fa***t" and terrorized me just because I was an individual in a sick conformist culture!

That's stupid. Not only is that impossible, why would I want to shut out the female friends I do have? I live in a sick culture that is Autism/Aspergers Hell. Even in the culture I live in, things like heavy metal music and martial arts are considered "gay" or "weird" despite how rednecks and hip hop thugs can't handle that kind of music when they claim to be "manly" and a well-trained martial artist would swat both of those demographics like they were flies.



Fireblossom
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Joined: 18 Jan 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,585

17 Mar 2019, 4:25 am

Marknis wrote:
I hang out at the local comic book store sometimes and I've went to my older brother's business against my better judgement. If you don't drink or smoke, the social scene dries up very fast.

I've tried to engage them in conversation but it either fizzles out very fast or it doesn't even start. I hate it so much.


Well, at least you're not a complete shut in, then. That's good since it'd be impossible to find a woman if you stayed home at your computer all the time (unless you searched from the internet of course.)

With all of them? If so then I'm sorry to say this, but the main problem is most likely your lack of social skills; you can't properly start or at least not properly keep up a conversation. The bright side to this is that stuff like this can be learned, but you're gonna need practice. Just keep trying, but make sure to talk to many different people 'cause if you focus on just one you might make the person uncomfortable, not to mention it won't help you all that much with others if you just learn to socialize with only one person in particular. There will be failures, but that's just something you need to accept and tolerate if you want things to get better. If you accidentally hurt someone's feelings? Apologize. If they hurt yours? Talk about it with them. Things like that are bound to happen, but you just need to learn to deal with it. And you need to be patient; from what I've understood you seem to give up pretty quickly if something doesn't work out for you in a time that you consider to be fast enough.

Also, do you use any internet forums besides this one? If not, I recommend (again) that you join a few that are about some subject that you find interesting. Places like that are good for practicing online socializing since you can make small talk about the interesting subject.

Quote:
It is not shallow to want a partner to whom you are physically attracted, or who is financially stable. If you want to raise a family or go on holidays and that sort of thing, or not end up paying all the bills yourself, it's quite practical.


Good to hear a guy say this for once. Maybe certain people will actually think about it when it comes from a man instead of a woman...