What’s on your mind? The Haven version.

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i have no idea how i'm going to reasonably link up with anyone in real life that i know, at this point in my life ,and i'm kind of scared to venture out of my house.

depressing. i at this point feel like i'm more schizophrenic than autistic (i've suspected for many years and it checks out that i'm disorganized schizophrenic much as i'm not diagnosed yet), and i know what people like that can BE like much as i know a lot of us are actually pretty chill-i'm just lost. and nervous to meet other people who share my struggles.

How utterly hopeless ,it is to hope to have a good Christmas ...this year...Do mot thinkI can afford the interest on a payday loan...several people advised against it , but they are broke too with no money to spare either.
And I hate the idea of taking a loan ever...!

I'm planning on solo travel.. I want to start the new year exploring the world and life... I want to start in Indonesia, I read an article about Bali https://gowithguide.com/blog/indonesia-tourism-statistics-2023-all-you-need-to-know-5383 it says how beautiful it was and alot of people going there. Does anybody been there?

I like certain things.

But that doesn't mean I want them.
Nor that I even need it the same way.

In a sense, some things do make me happy.
Yet that doesn't mean I want it and wanting more of it.


I don't know.
I just don't chase what makes me happy. I do like certain feelings associated with certain situations or things, but it doesn't go deeper.

It's like...
"This person, "Edna" feels liking XYZ", but it's another matter with me, who wants something else.

It's like...
What I want and what I like is not congruent to one another.

Really, this body, this mind, carrying the identity and name likes certain things -- doesn't truly reflect my will, doesn't truly reflect what I want.


There's... I like chocolate, I want chocolate. I'll shamelessly tell everyone about it even.
And then there's; I like a good story, but I don't want it, I'm not even huge on reading and I'm sick of stories.

And it's not even about guilty pleasures or being shamed of liking something.
I don't even care how taboo the things that can fascinate me.

I'm not ashamed of things that may appeal to me, I don't deny emotions as much as I wish I that there are no emotions to deny nor affirm -- it just doesn't "sync".


I like to socialize because that's just how my mood feels at the time, at the outcome...
Doesn't necessarily mean I want nor need to socialize at the core.

At the core, I want nothing.

Everything can make me all happy and satisfied, but that still doesn't give me what I want.
Oh sure, this is what most other people would want, even including the person I live as, but not me.

It can appear that I'm happy.
And I'm not even masking nor denying.

But this isn't what I want at the core.
I want something else, even if that doesn't bring me joy, but bring me a form of satisfaction that most of my life hadn't granted me so far.

And that something else is not whatever I have. "Can't I be just grateful?" Lol.
That only happens because that's what other people sees, no inner depth or nuisance.

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I often displace anxiety. I’m just fully realizing this. When I was a kid, I’d get really anxious and panicky over stupid stuff instead of the legitimate things I was dealing with. My safety needs weren’t being met. I still do this, mostly at night. Night was always the worst. I happened to unexpectedly see something highly triggering a couple evenings ago. It bothered me at the time, but I thought I had moved on before bed. I ended up waking up in the night wracked by anxiety and near panic, seemingly over something minor. After being up for a couple hours, it dawned on me that the real problem was the triggering thing I saw and needed to work through. I’ve still not worked through it completely, but that realization along with the knowledge that I was safe enabled me to go back to sleep. This might be useful moving forward. It’s weird how your brain tries to protect you, but it can be maladaptive rather than helpful.

Yeah that's really good progress TP

So ,just a thought bubble offering . I figured I did not win any War with my Anxiety, it is subversive to things ,I want in my life.. Peace , friends a good nights rest...on & on ....So even as time passed and you hope you might have grown past it.. Triggering events still happen ( or just thoughts) on occassion.And am not liking that it has gotten to the point of needing meds to get relief, every so often...So have gotten it to the point of getting by with natural . Seratonin helping supplements[ specific amino acids ]. and typrtophan precursors . Right minerals to help nerves.(aides sleep)
Even with all thst have found am still needing certain over the counter meds , Guafenesin,,the occassional Unisom.
Its usually the last two that can put me over the edge to sleep.Or back to sleep after I wake up . Plenty of people have
reccomended the use of Indica type marijuana..? To help get to sleep initially ? So After a long time of doing this, sm using these things I have used alittle less these days ..Hoping it means progress is happening..

^^ Thanks BB!

^ I’m glad you’ve found things that work for you. I take a prescribed, off-label medication for sleep because insomnia is always something I struggle with - even in the best of times, but it doesn’t work when my anxiety is really bad. I need to get back into the doctor and get some benzodiazepines for panic attacks. Even if I don’t take them that often, it’s nice knowing they are there if I need them.

Nothing like Xanex in a jamb ....imho.

^^^ Not understanding the relevance to doorways

^ I think you'll find it's a typo for "in a jam".

What does it mean to be in a jam?
If you are in a jam, you are in some trouble. If you get out of a jam, you avoid trouble.

So; there's nothing like Xanex if you're in some sort of (anxiety, emotional, psychological) trouble.

I've came forward to people I know as severely autistic, and am doing that kind of moreso,

I was dedicated to memorizing traits associated with less-severe autism and miming that as best as I could because I feared being hurt, it was all rooted in terror. I thought it was something else, but it was always that.

I feel freed but I feel so sad, yet also so happy. It's strange.

Am I ever going to have a stable career? Or a place I can call my own? What am I doing with my life? Where do I go from here?

Sometimes one needs distraction in order to sleep. Some problems aren’t resolvable.