Rants

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Can I claim disability status as a Southern Intellectual?

I'm having a manic period, in which I've been pursuing my interests to an extreme, but I feel really lousy during downtime hours like this, when it's close to bedtime and I come down from my high with a thud.

I should be happy enough to count my blessings, but I sometimes feel so inadequate for several reasons. I want to write them down without sounding like a whiner. I can't find the words to do so.

It's also that, when I see people around me 'connect' so easily with each other, and me standing at the distance like a Martian, I sometimes wonder: 'But where is the shoulder for me to rest my head on?' Is this state of social reclusiveness self-imposed, or am I simply speaking the wrong 'language', emitting the wrong signals?

I'm just throwing this out there. I mean, none of this is urgent, but honestly, offline there isn't much room for venting.

I can't stop f*****g picking my skin!! ! My strong resolve 3 nights ago dissolved into a puddle of mush and now I have three huge red gashes on the right side of my face. What a pathetic creature I am.

ahhhhhhh I hate myself. I need a willpower transplant.

Hurt.
Living debris.
Untethered.
Upwards and onwards.
Alone.

:shrug:

Horrible, terrible, no good, very bad class! My first course was this afternoon and I dropped it tonight...the minute I got home. Group work, peer evaluated group presentations where presentation style is part of the grade (mentioned on the syllabus), participation in classroom little group exercises everyday, 15% of the grade. I already annoyed my peers and professor by speaking out of turn, I can;t tell when it's my turn to talk and missed some social cue (the person beside me kept touching me to tell me something but eventually just said never-mind- then at the end of the lesson I said "ojay, bye" to her and she just said "oo...kaaaay bye". I was so exhausted by that time I have no idea what that was about and I'm even more exhausted now so sorry about the grammar. It was like this course was designed to be the worst possible course a person with ASD could ever take!

I'm 26 years old and never before have I had a nightmare, never once have I woken up with a feeling of sadness and depression. They come with time throughout the day but never before now have I ever felt what I feel now. Every night I got to sleep it's another terrible dream another painful reminder. I've been hurt so many times before but never so deeply into myself. She's in my dreams and now they are all nightmares, every last one of them and I can't tell her. I can't say how horrible it is to be in terror to sleep again. Every dream before was sweet and innocent and now it's all pain and anger. I've never woken up sad before in my whole life, this isn't right. I've been through hell on Earth why should I suffer more now in the best time of my life than I ever did before? I'm scared to go to sleep because each night is another terrible dream where I'm a monster and she's a demon. I've never had to deal with this before and I don't have anyone I can share it with. 26 years of forgetfulness or nice dreams and she comes in and makes me remember the most terrible dreams. I'm scared to sleep, I've never been scared to sleep before and I don't know what to do! Why did things turn out this way? Why can't I just let it go and move on? I've never had someone enter my dreams and the first person who does gives me my first true nightmares. This is agony.......

Why can't I just be myself? Why is my love not good enough? Hate this feeling of be unwanted.

I donno. My mother needs to stop being prissy. My uncle says no they are not prissy, but he's wrong. They (my parents) are as prissy as they can be.

When I keep it together and ask nicely, then people don't f#(!ing listen. Why do I bother sometimes?

Can't sleep.

My teacher assumed that everyone listens to the same songs and everyone has a television. She was almost right. Everyone except me. I had a sore throat and could barely talk, but she told me to project my voice across the room. Now I can't talk at all. And then she told me to stop being silly when I said I couldn't hear her, because everyone else could hear fine. Then I came home and had to interact with my family. If anyone else annoys me, I will have a meltdown.

I can't stop ranting about Hitler. I blame everything on Hitler. How did I become obsessed with that loser?!? Is it a thread that was started by a member who likes stir the pot? Is it the fact that somebody told me that my mum should have had an abortion when I was in Grade 6?!? Is it that he didn't like my race (dark haired and dark eyed)?!? I'm not posting in abortion threads or threads about Auti$m $peak$ anymore. I'm too much of a gentle soul to handle what might be coming to me. I'm going to post about things that make me happy from now on.

My new cell phone that I got last week won't work, and when I told my mom this, she got angry at both me and the phone company. I get the latter, but why me; what did I do to be treated like an emotional punching bag? It's not fair! I also wish she would stop putting pressure on me to make certain decisions; I can't help if I have an inability to make split decisions. I wish she would understand.

I don't want to practice my language learning today.

I don't want to send the e-mail I had long been anticipating to send to a girl I know who moved abroad a few months ago.

I don't want to eat the food my aunt cooked just now.

I don't want to feel forced to go out into the world for whatever reason, be it doing the groceries, looking for work, or social interaction in general.

I just want to huddle up in my room for a whole month and be closed off from the rest of the world. It's drama, it's exhausting, it's no fun, and I tire of all of it.

Even though I want to make a change, it scares me to do so. I've got to find and get on a course, a path, that takes me through the fear and out the other side to a better place.