scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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What do they say?? "If you give too much of yourself away to people who don't matter, you won't have anything left for the ones you really want to give it to."

I always thought they were talking about time, or physical energy, or sexual purity, or things like that.

I didn't realize until it was too late that it was referring to your very self, who you are, your ability to laugh and share and be vulnerable and care about stuff...

-5

0. I still feel nothing. It feels weird.

-9mfeeak my diet, I'm going over eat now I feel super sad

I want to run away from my life.

From the relationship that's become all about either putting on the show to avoid waking the demons, or trying to fight them in the hope that there's still SOMETHING left.

From the DAILY f*****g SNIPING that is the fallout of the fact that MIL never got to like herself, never got to live her life, worships shelter magazines, and is just damn bound and determined to make sure I turn out every bit as bitter and superficial as she is. I DON'T HAVE TO AGREE WITH YOU FOR YOUR CHOICES TO BE VALID, YOU f*****g c**t!!

From the ingratitude (not talking "failure to say 'thank you, Mommy' here), the vague demands and the fits when I fail to meet them, and the endless power-struggle that is my middle daughter.

I realize this is a momentary feeling of frustration that will pass. It pops up a lot these days, though. There are moments like yesterday-- watching the partial eclipse and hanging with my kids-- when simple pleasure still happens (though it usually requires alcohol these days, and that's a new and ungood thing). Then there are a lot of moments where the only things that can cut through the apathy at all are very bad things indeed.

Convo between me and MIL:

Her: "Sorry if the dishes aren't clean enough. I can't see as well as I used to."

Me: "Mom, it's fine. You don't have to do the dishes, but I don't think anybody's going to die if there's some chocolate residue in the bottom of a glass."

Her: "You are a slob, aren't you??"

Me: "Mom, it's just not that important. I'll put it back in the sink and wash it again."

Her: "Well, if you don't care about important things, why do you care about all the dumb stuff you care about?"

And it's self-absorbed narcissism that I HATE HER?!?!

+8 I just went to a really great party and now I'm going to see my girlfriend for beer and pizza and anime night!

Feeling like around 9.5 on the positive side today. Getting ready to take my custom Autism Wheel Horse garden tractor to a show and swap meet, one of the largest in the USA. Lots of fun, way more stuff I will want to buy that I can this year. But next year, I should be in a place $$ wise that I can get another tractor to restore. Dodger.

Here is a pic of her right after the custom decals were installed


Here is a picture from this spring when I installed a diesel engine in her. She still mows the yard and is my all around work tractor. Once I get a second tractor, she will get a full tear down for new paint and all new decals. Then she will be for shows only.

-5. A sense of unhappiness has been creeping into the nothingness I've been feeling. At least I'm feeling something now, I guess? I'm not really sure if it's better or not.

+2

The depression has been better today.

+2. Is that a glimmer of hope I see? I'm trying not to get too excited about it, for fear it will just be stamped out.

-6 stoned on seroquel

I am crazy but I am not crazy,

Check out this logic right here,

Me - Go to doctor
Doctor - What do you want?
Me - I want seroquel
Doctor - Oh no you can't have that cause your not trust worthy for it.
* proceeds to leave drugs in my possession *

If I am so mentally ill why... in... the... hell... would you not come after your drugs.

To celebrate that logic I am high on the very drugs they were so afraid I might take they left them in my possession.

-6 and declining. Someone I thought I was building a probably-more-than-friendly relationship with just indicated that he is no longer interested in me in that way. That's the first time I've ever really wanted such a relationship with anyone, so while my emotions are still dulled by depression (I feel like I should be more upset than I am, the feeling still has a numbed edge to it), it's hitting me hard. Gosh, and I was in such a (comparatively) good mood yesterday, too... I suspect I'll be suicidal again if the glimmer of hope I mentioned earlier doesn't turn out well, still holding onto that for the time being.

I feel so bad for you. I get the numb feeling as well. It's like you would almost rather be sad than not feel anything. Depression can suck, I am so sorry. I am hoping and praying you are able to make it out of your depression again, like yesterday. It can be really hard sometimes, I understand. Just know that we're all always here if you need help. You can overcome depression. Whenever my OCD gets me down, I just try and look forward to a time when I won't be so sad anymore, even if it is just something little. It will get better, I promise. Virtual hugs !

Thank you. I've been struggling with depression on and off for over a decade. Yep, I can't quite decide which is worse - feeling nothing at all, or feeling negative emotions. Tomorrow will probably be a major factor. I don't really want to say more right now for fear of jinxing it, but there's a possibility of something good happening. At this point, I know my depression will go away, if only for a while, but it's still sometimes hard to see that when it's really hitting me hard. Yeah, it sucks dingo's kidneys, but I suppose sooner or later, it will get better again. When I'm really feeling bad, it sometimes helps me to think that maybe because I'm suffering, that might somehow mean that someone else doesn't have to.

I'm sorry to hear the bad news. It is his loss. The first time I was really attracted to someone (fell madly in love with) turned into unrequited love and it was a terrible experience. I didn't know how to go about expressing my feelings towards her so I ended up sitting by and watching a friend of mine eventually marry her. In the end it was for the better because they are happily married to this day. Perhaps you can bring it up during your appointment tomorrow and discuss your feelings about what you're going through. There are plenty of people in this world you will end up meeting so don't lose hope.