Dear "You"...From "Me"-Letters Unsent

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Dear you,

You are my first real friend but I am scared all the time that this wouldn't last. From looking at how you interact with others, I feel like I cannot provide the same back and forth exchange. My moods are too dark sometimes. I have been selfish, I have really low self worth.

I don't know how to be a friend. What does a friend mean any way? I enjoy the time with you together but sometimes I feel that you are just tolerating my mistakes. That you are just being nice and one day you just can't take it any more and want to leave.

I am sorry that I cannot talk to others comfortably when you bring me out to socialise. I am sorry that I cannot maintain a good conversation flow. I am sorry that I feel so threatened by the outside world and all I want to do is to hide at somewhere safe.

I am sorry that I am not normal.

Me

Dear You

We have finally broken down the wall. It will not be without doubts and downs, nonetheless with time it will bring us closer.

Love Me

Dear me,

Compared to one year ago, you are doing so much better. I am sorry about what you had to go through. One thing that can be sure is that I love you. I care about your future so I make sure you go to all of the doctor's appointments. I make sure you have some sort of coping strategies if things get rough.

Please don't ever lose hope, again.

Love,
me

dear world,

you judge me for being alone, and then mock and insult me for it,
but then you judge me for the faults and wrongs, that others "just like me" do.

you criticize me whenever i make a mistake,
but never acknowledge any faults of your own.

you play down any virtues i have, and dismiss whatever good i do,
but you're always quick to pounce, whenever i do something to hurt you.

and whenever my fears destroy all my hopes,
you're always the first to snigger at all i've lost.

you always try to make feel small, and what good you gain from it - i'll never know.

for far too long i thought you were on my side,
but now i've learnt that i'm better off in my own world.

and even though, i give much more than what's asked of me,
from you i'll never find the things i need to be happy.

so you can sneer, whenever you see me pass,
but it just shows that me you care, but i no longer care for you.

i_w_b

Dear You,

The obvious answers are the hardest to see. I thought I was meeting you halfway, but I was just picking up other people's bad habits. Some things are really a disservice to yourself and everyone else. I don't know if it's art echoing life, or a hollow echo of rush hour traffic. Words have never had too much weight, anyway.


From,
Me

Dear Joe,

You've been a ton of laughs, but please resign.

i_w_b

Claire,

We apparently wrote for the same newspaper in high school. I knew that we were from the same town, so altogether this is a pretty inconsequential, unremarkable coincidence, but it's wearing on me for same reason. The fact that I probably saw you at some meetings years before we knew each other is almost enough to challenge my skepticism and make me believe in some notion of "fate." I'd really like to just talk to you again, but whatever friendship we had seemed to slowly fade away, and I don't know how to start a conversation without coming off as creepy. Oh well.

Dear Joel,

Are you thinking of me now, while you train? Do you accidently glance towards section 12 as you're doing your drills and be reminded of me?

Love
Kezza

Dear you,

I don't know the future, but someone once told me we should say stuff while we can. Not only because otherwise there might come a day that it's too late, but also because they should know now, and that maybe both of us might be better off for it having been said. I will still care about you, even when things go wrong, even when they go wrong in every which way possible. I will fearlessly tell you the truth always, because I know the relationship cannot be destroyed. It’s unconditional caring with a fierce commitment to speak up when I feel you’re headed for trouble - not an attempt to patronize, boss you around, criticise you or make your decisions for you (just in case you forget ). Every secret is safe with me, and nothing is ever off-limits, and I mean that with all my aspie literalness intact. I will disapprove of some of your choices, express it, and continue caring about you anyway. So stop being so damn scared of breaking things that aren't breakable.

Um abraço e beijinhos,
me

Dear You,

I know you got angry at me for not telling you about this summer school thing but you have never mentioned to me that you wanted me to take it. If I knew, maybe this whole conflict between us would not happen. But, it did. I wanted to explain to you that I didn't know you wanted me to take it and that a regular person wouldn't do it on their own. I was going to do it in the later grades. But, no, you had to lecture me and yell at me because apparently, I "lied' to you. What kind of BS is that?! I didn't mean it that I wouldn't tell you even though I knew but you didn't. I wanted my summer to be pleasureful. Who the f**k wants to do summer school?! You said it would be less of a burden but f**k it, I didn't think at the time. Everyone makes mistakes. I know you are going to force me into summer school or some stupid program. I made this mess of myself but now that I think about it, you are a hypocrite too. You said that you don't like it when others force people to do many things but you turn around and make me do this s**t. f**k you. But I will never say this in your face because you will create more excuses and not listen to me. Also, if I come up to you, the confidence and courage will slip away, leaving a broken and scared person. Hell, you made me cry when you left me after your lecture. I had to ask my friends for help since I didn't know what to do. These conflicts usually never happen between us since I am good to you so every time you get angry at me, you strip me to the broken person I am. I am supposed to be perfect and do no wrong in your eyes but in reality, I am flawed and I am sorry. Unfortunately, I will never say this in your face and I will not see you and someone else the same way again. Not with rose-tinted goggles that I want to believe but with fear and paranoia that you will get upset at me again. I can now relate to the others that complain about the people they have to be with but can't stand. I hope this stupid conflict can be resolved but I know it can't. My final words, I still love you but I officially know that the angst that happens towards parents will begin soon. Damn it.

From Me.

......

I understand, and you're probably right. Why's it so d#mn hard? I hate this.

I don't even know if I want to talk to you to be honest. I'm a tired upset mess and the chances of me f*****g things up and hurting myself even more than I am at the moment are stupidly high.
I miss my friends, ok, I think you kinda need to know that about me, before anything else tbh - I miss my friends like hell and I'm stuck having no-one to talk to, not slagging my immediate family because they are awesome but sometimes they are just too much them and I miss people my own age for some reason.
Does that help make more sense of me ?
So turns out I'm not a total introvert just 99% percent of the time, that's why I miss my friends and f*****g latch on to whichever unfortunate soul gets near me and acts kind enough.
Getting there ?
Second, you might have noticed I am a total introvert 99% percent of the time, added to my aspergers dyspraxia f**kup combo means social interaction is f*****g difficult and stressy as all hell - which makes me tired. An exhausted, slow-processing, emotional I just want to cry - sort of tired. And when I'm like that I don't function, I'm grumpy, sleepy, confused and generally make no sense - I know that.
Oh and I have no filters or sense of what I should say, shouldn't say or when I should or shouldn't say stuff. I reallly don't.
and I hate it.
It's got me into enough trouble with people too often, especially people I care about - friends and family.
Is this making any sort of sense ?
But it means I'm generally ridiculously honest and blunt - I find it difficult to manage people, to try and say the right things at the right time and not just say what I'm thinking because that will invariably come across as not the way I'm thinking and sound wrong.
So yeah - I am literal and unmanipulative - seriously showing up when someone is working so I can see them is about as manipulative as I get.
Does that help ?
Sorry this is dragging on, I'm getting to a sleepy tired state and could just stare into space forever sort of feeling.
But yeah, also I wasn't kidding when I complained a lot about how hard checkouts are for me, really they are co-ordination hell and multi-tasking hell - I know that I'm getting help and everyones been nice about it so far but it's still hard. - Oh and I'm sorry for complaining to you and being a s**t listener .
Oh and I know I apologise too much - guess I do have self-esteem issues as well as everything else. But yeah, my friends and family, have both nicely pointed out to me that I apologise too much I try and keep it to a minimum which is easy when I feel sunny, happy and bloody functional.
Not so easy when I've had 2 weeks of trying to organise everything in my house with a few added extras thrown in.
Tbh I miss being that happy.
I don't think that helped there.
But tbh all I'm trying to say is sorry for being such a mess, I'd like to be friends with you if you don't mind - and if you do mind please make it obvious. I'd rather hurt straight up than have any more of this confusion
from
D------
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
PS - I wish I had a way to show you this - I'm so much better at making sense in writing than talking.
Love
Me

Dear Mr N,

A series of nuances I've picked up on suggest that people are spreading rumours and joking about us two having something going on (or at least each of us "liking" each other that way). I'm sure you will find it hypocritical and funny that some the people probably laughing are guilty of the exact thing they're gossiping about. I know I do. What I want to know is why do I feel like this is just another reason I'm being held back advancement wise? Are alleged office affairs welcome when it's with a married partner but not when it's with a bachelor senior consultant? Well, lets face it, my short skirted colleague isn't getting held back any. She didn't end up going to Sydney with him, maybe the other partners pulled him aside and told him it was inappropriate. How she managed to afford her current holiday to Asia while being a single mum only working part time is beyond me. If you and me were involved our relationship would certainly have more integrity than theirs.

Not that I want to be involved with you. You're just a nice man who also happens to be nice to me. I'm just a girl who gets attached to people in the usual unstable way I get attached to people who treat me better than sub-class. I don't take it seriously, it's just my head at the end of the day. Anything we'd have together would have foundations made of disorder (and age inappropriateness). I guess everyone sees that I like you and interprets it in negative ways that are intended to hurt me. You're the first person in my entire working life that has made me feel smart, appreciated, good at what I do and like I could be competent at doing a lot more. I really credit you for the increase in my confidence at work over the last 12 months. Your photocopier is s**t, there's nothing to eat for lunch over there, I'm wasting petrol and you have an annoying unefficient way of doing things. But for some reason working in your office and interacting with you makes me happy. I've been thinking of asking you to be a referee on my resume but I've been too scared due to the inevitable question of "why?" and the disappointment I'd know you'd feel at the prospect of me leaving (you'd fall behind in your workload again too). To be honest you and the rest of the staff over there are the only people I'd wish to say a proper goodbye to.

Just... if you catch wind of the gossip please don't second guess and be self-critical of your behavior towards me. The goss started due to how I'm acting, not you. You've done nothing wrong. And if I leave it had nothing to do with you. I'll explain the other s**t later.

With like,
Me

Dear E,
You are not normal. You are not normal at all. That's not an insult.
From Me