I want to kill myself because I am an aspie

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(HUG)

Don't kill yourself.
Hang in there Fickle Pickle.

Im 23 and I only had sex once, and that was with someone I had known for 2 years or so.There are times when I feel crappy, but then I look at the big picture, and see light at the end of the tunnel.I have many good things coming for me...a good career, possible future friends, and the high possibility of future ownership of my own house.I own my own vehicle and it is paid off.I look at the past and I look at now, and with such, I see great accomplishments, with more to come.Look at your accomplishments, then look at the possibility of good things to come.YOU are in CONTROL of how YOU live YOUR LIFE.The NTs can say bad things all they want, BUT YOU CAN PROVE THEM WRONG.When I was small a few suggested I be institutionalized.My dad refused to have me institutionalized.Here I am today, proving those people wrong...living on my own, driving my own vehicle, half way through college and supporting myself with a job.

So, I only have... 5 or so years before I'm able to prove them wrong and stop proving them right with my bullheadedness.

I am sorry if I sounded off....I was trying to say.....try and focus on the good things in life. You will be amazed at what you can do....As far as NTs and bullies and those who don't listen go.....Don't listen to comments from the "peanut gallery".You are young and you have lots to look forward to.Don;t let anyone or anything take that away from you.You deserve better than rude comments from the peanut gallery.I have endured many years of bullying, ridicule, and abuse.My high school vice principal was amazed, that despite that, I kept my focus on my future and succeeded.Life isn't easy for anyone.Today, I find myself alone and feeling unwanted....My parents do love me, but they are three hours away.I have no real friends here in Red Deer.I had one for a while, who I met on another site.Hes NT, and since he didnt know about me and my ASD, he passed me off as a creep and ditched me.I have never felt so abandoned and unwanted.In high school, it was so constant that I was numb to any rejectioon.I spent two years in the workforce before moving to Red Deer.I tried to make friends, but it was futile.I never fit in anywhere.The rejection by the former Red Deer friend has opened many wounds from my younger years, and has put me into a state of withdrawal and depression for months.Work is like a refuge.I regain some sanity at work.I have a job where I work independantly most of the time and can collect my thoughts as I work.If you kill yourself, you are surrendering even before any battles are fought. Life is hard, but the rewards of persevering are greater.You never know what good things can happen next.If you want someone who will be a friend and listen, feel free to PM me and I will give you my MSN.Its too early to give up. on life.You are a good person.Good things happen to good people.Just wait and see.It might not happen now.It might not happen tomorrow, but someday down the road it WILL...and it will be great.Everyone has gifts.I remember my vice principal in high school constantly telling us...GOD DOES NOT MAKE JUNK.You were created by God for a purpose..You just don;t know it or see it yet, but eventually you will.God works in mysterious ways.

There is a term I have heared constantly.....Delayed Gratification.....the rewards are well worth the work and waiting.It is like a sweet fruit...if you eat it now, it is bitter....if you wait, it is more sweeter than you can ever imagine.


There were times when I contemplated suicide, but today, I am thankful to be alive, even when things get tough, I am thankful to be here and for everything I have.I am thankful that I am who I am and for my gifts.

Were you talking to me?

Excercise for fickle:

dissasociate sex from everything.
sex will not bring _anything_ to your life, it wont bring happyness, it wont bring luck, it wont bring squat.
your chasing it exactly like people are chasing boob implants or drugs or other forms of quick acknowledgement.

take it away from your mind, and work on accepting yourself as you are.
sex is just meat-rubbing, nothing more.

+1

But it feels SO magical!


It's a nice distraction from my pain, and I trained myself to love it. It helps me "cope" with the harsh "honesty" of people. Plus I'm not a logic-girl. I'm far from it. It's pretty hard to disassociate sex from EVERYTHING if I'm practically an addict.

I can't accept myself and know myself until I have a social life! And it will be a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time before that happens! I can't get to know myself when NOTHING is happening to me, so I don't know my feelings towards it, and if I did, I would just try to copy the opinion of someone I idolize.

You people tell me such foolish things like "move out".


But one thing





















I. HAVE. ABSOLUTELY. NO. MONEY!! !! !! !! !! !

And no job to boot!



So this is all practically impossible, when liking being an aspie just CAN'T be done for me , only because HEAVY NT expectations are put on me and I CARE because I can pass for NT if I don't show what's inside!

So, if someone can give me REALLY good pot (which I doubt because I've been promised it and never got it) or beat caring about looking NT out of me, then maybe I shall see the points you are trying to make.

i acknowledge that it seems pretty hopeless as long as you cant move out.

its sortof the... uh... must of feeling better :/

well! i guess thats all the pointers i have! its like when you promote someone, you can only promote up to your own rank, but no further. i only got the tips to feel happy enough to sit inside, smoke weed, and feel "fine" about everyone and everything.
im not happy. just fine!
and its all in moving out, really. i have aspie-related problems tho, but more practical ones, like... ive managed to stupidly spend my rent-money, and now the landlord is getting pissed off, and welfare only pays me what the law says. so.
im prrrretty much screwed if someone doesnt just GIMME money :I but im used to being screwed.
which is also what i try to "inspire" you to do to, you dont have to _mourn_ everything about your life that sucks

especially not if a LOT sucks, or youll go completely insane

+ you still confuse me, you like sex but your a virgin? pm if you dont wanna publish details

ive only had one experience that felt anything but weird and awkward. short lasting too. heh...

So... if you think that you need a social life in order to accept yourself and know yourself, what are you doing to get a social life?
So... if you think that you need something to happen to you in order to know yourself, what are you doing to make things happen?
And is there something wrong with copying somebody you idolize?

I know this is the Haven so I definitely don't want to come across as too harsh, but having noted your other posts in the Haven I have to mention: what are you doing to fix your own problems? The sense I'm getting is that you're hoping that a solution is simply going to fall in your lap. That's not going to happen!

You're right though in that the vast majority of AS folks older than you have been through this before, as I have, and even then we still fall into this every so often. The best we can do is concentrate on working out solutions and focusing on things we have control over. Don't waste time worrying about things that you can't control.

One last point about copying someone we idolize: Ms. Pickle, we as Aspies are great at asking questions. We always want to know why things are the way they are. Our natural approach is very often to "ask questions first, then act"... but if we aren't entirely satisfied with the answers, or they raise even more questions, we end up being paralyzed and not doing anything because we're so afraid to act. We keep second-guessing ourselves, and eventually we start making excuses for our own inertia. There's only one way to get around this problem, and that's simply to stop thinking about it and just do it!! You have a good head on your shoulders, so you can ask questions or look to a role model for guidance, but after a while you gotta just stop thinking about problems you can't solve and move on. The only reason I suggested a role model in one of my other posts to you is so that you don't have to re-invent the wheel in dealing with basic social things like how to treat people respectfully or how to work with others. It's way too hard and time-consuming to try to come up with these things starting from a blank slate like many Aspies here seem to try to do, then they (and you) wonder why things take so long to improve, if at all. Hmm... it sounds like you don't have anybody that you idolize? If so, are you feeling lost, like you don't have a good sense of direction or purpose in your life?

I can relate. I'm feeling suicidal right now.

Sadly, I don't know how. I think it's because I've been laughed at and belittled to not do stuff at a young age (ok, only 2 years ago).

I've personally never made a suicidal attempt but knowing that I am indeed Aspie, depression hurts. When I used to have a TV show on public access, I made a dark cartoon newscast that said that I chickened out while trying to commit suicide then a 90 year old cartoon version of myself dies in a hospital bed and the doctor throws the body on a trash pile that is lit on fire. I thought this was funny because I have Asperger's for life so why not make light and do some Aspie Comedy. Someone called up and thought that it was a suicide threat and the cops talked to my parents about it and they haven't seen it. They thought that I was mentally ill so they brought me to the psychologist and he was the only one to believe me that my cartoon was only a fictional joke.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9YAfkAhKU0[/youtube]

This was the controversial episode.


Satirical Humor is my only happiness in my life right now and I did this joke just to cheer myself up, instead it just made manners worse.

I later found out that the person who called up was Bipolar so maybe he was concerned too. But at the same time, he was a criminal and beaten up his wifes and done nasty things to them. He was a big joke at the public access station because he didn't have a sense of humor and he would want all the other public access shows off the air so he would be the star kind of. And this guy is close to 40 years old.


I express a lot of myself and Aspie anxieties from my puppet satirical show but I constantly feel that people want to go after me in an angry mob forum. So I will be ending the season very soon, even though people aren't really after me.

Sure you do, Ms. Pickle. You've already shown in your messages that you already know what the problems are, and you already know what to do, it's just that you just have to muster up the courage to do it. Several years ago I also was in a serious depressive funk and I thought that the solution to my problems resided in one particular other person. I used to think that my life would be essentially over and that nothing interesting would ever happen again in my life without that person... but you know what? I decided that in the end I should just go out and do something, and there was always the chance that I wouldn't like it or that it would suck, but at that moment I decided that doing something and taking a chance was better than sitting at home feeling crappy with no real chance of improvement. Luckily I happened to pick swing dancing to do, and I swear the instructor is undiagnosed AS so we hit it off real well, and things greatly improved after that. It helped me to realize that my continuing life growth and adventure were my own responsibility, and under my own power, and were not entirely dependent on other people. Ultimately it was my own initiative that was going to help me out with my own problems and improve my own situation. Granted, I couldn't have done this on my own, it's significantly easier to do this when you have a role model to look up to and from whom you derive your own self-motivation, but to even reach that point I needed to have the courage and initiative to crawl out of my shell and take a risk... swing dancing could've ended up really crappy or really great, but there was only one way I'd ever know how it would pan out: by trying.

Ms. Pickle, you're talking about suicide and loneliness (I just saw your other new thread in the Haven) so it's getting quite clear that not only do you lack a role model, you feel really stuck in life. You seem to know that you need to try to improve your situation, kind of like "moving up" out of a depression, but you want to have a good idea of what you're moving towards before you start to move up. Does this accurately summarize how you feel? Yeah, it's scary to try moving up without knowing what the goal is, and it makes it easier to give up when people don't believe in you or they belittle you and laugh at you. Well, F%&@# them!! You just have to take the risk, I mean how much worse do you think things can get? You're already talking suicide, things can't get much worse. You may think that you're naive, but you're obviously quite smart. You feel stuck and lonely and you feel like you're dealing with insurmountable problems, but it's also obvious that you know what's going on. You DO have a clue, so as far as I'm concerned your situation is not as bad as it could be. You're not eating your sister's boogers so there's still hope.* I believe in you, and others here in WP believe in you, now you just need to believe in yourself and take a chance.


* Nothing morally wrong with this, but disregard if you actually do eat your sister's boogers.

Ah...



I still want to kill myself. I too hate aspies. (most likely out of jealousy of them for their self-acceptance) I'm still ignorantly thinking I do not have the aspie "look". I'm interested in clothes just like a NT female. But can't understand other people very well, can't control my meltdowns, my family's solution to this is just to "keep my mouth shut and keep the feelings to myself. Pretty hard to do so, when the tard rage EXPLODES out of me!! I get the sensation as the anger from the meltdown is spewing out violently, so I can't push it back.

Well you know, not all Aspies are a like. I have a friend that I know who is also female and Aspie, in fact, I have too. One likes Wrestling and the other one is into History. Asperger's sucks I know, I was depressed all day today and I worry about screwing up when I go practice driving on the road tonight.