I feel it would be better if I had more severe autisim.

Post Reply New Topic

How do you know that Le Petit's comment did not help? You do not know what will help this person and everyone is free to give their own opinion given this is a DISCUSSION forum.

FWIW, I used to be an evangelical Christian and was never happy. The moment I became an atheist was when my life started to improve. So yea, atheism can help people and it is wrong of you to suggest you know what will and won't help this person.

I think ret*ds are the happiest people on the planet.
I wish I was a ret*d.


As for the religion thing: I think whatever your believes are, you shouldn't try to force other people into thinking the way you do. If you're a Christian, don't go on about the great God that will change your life if you start to believe to none-believers. If you're a none-believer, don't go on about "educating" one self and telling them that evolution is the one and only truth.

That's not a discussion, what you're doing is trying to force the other person into thinking the way you do. Which is highly counterproductive, by the way.

About actually "blaming" all bad things on God... whatever your situation is, accept it and try to make the best of it. Seriously. If you spend ages figuring out why the what and when and GOD WHY ME it won't make you a happier person, and happy is what you want to be. Accept the facts and deal with it in whatever way suits you best.

I think part of the reason I blame God for the bad things is being raised catholic. Catholics say everything good that happens is Gods doing, but its NEVER Gods doing when bad things happen. I don't see it that way. You can't give someone credit for all the good things and none of the bad. Thats a double standard.

As a parent I can confirm that we often tell our children any old fairy stories just to get them off our backs...

Seriously, it's not about positive and negative, the cosmos exists in a balance of both. In reality, neither actually exists at all. Sellling "positive thinking" has become a big business. Unfortunately "realistic thinking" seems of little interest. Worse, it gives us another stick to beat ourselve with: "I don't deserve anything because I am not positive enough". Positive thinking can't beat experience, ability, hard work and chance.

For an entertaining alternative:
http://www.lifepositive.com/Mind/psycho ... inking.asp
http://www.amazon.com/Positive-Power-Ne ... 84&sr=8-12

As the article says: "The point is, people in society are not uniformly endowed with strength, wealth and status"

KenM, there is much we have no control over. So much chance involved, it just happens..or not. In my experience, and I've heard others say this too, when we do eventually meet *that* someone, it seems so improbable that we ever could have met, so many twists and turns out of our control.

<EDIT>Since posting, I've realised I can state it even clearer. The answer to your questions and just about everybody elses. You won't like it though....

"Whether it be fame, fortune, a partner or enlightenment, there is absolutely NO reliable, repeatable, surefire 100% method of achieving it".

To add to that list:
- Appearing not interested in a relationship. Too secure and content in themself to need another.
- Not making any eye contact. If somebody doesn't make lingering eye contact with you, they can't have any interest in you.
- Appearing OCD about appearances. It's perfectly natural for human beings to excrete, sweat, leak a little and have stray hairs growing in unusual places Hard to imagine getting 'passionate' with someone who is in denial of all that.
- Asking too many questions and saying nothing about yourself. Implies you live a dull uninteresting life that you are too ashamed to talk about.
- Being too cheerful all the time. Life has downs as well as ups. S*** happens to innocent people and the guilty get away with it. People *love* hearing about the failures and problems of others. If somebodies telling you how wonderful life is 100% of the time, they're deluded (or lying) and hence not good relationship material.
- Being in a financially (and status) higher league. It is very awkward to be a partner of someone who is more financially secure than yourself. Feeling dependant on other can cause long-term relationship problems. If your homeless, your better off with another homeless person than a lawyer.

Actually most of those would not be basis for rejection by many women so I really do not agree with your advice. Coming across as uninterested is a good thing for men to a degree - many people (male and female) want what they can't have (the PickUp stuff takes advantage of this). The most successful men I know in getting women are those that are very self-assured. Same with being very financially secure and also being OCD about appearance - those things are generally considered favourable by women. Also asking lots of questions and talking little about one's self - that depends on whether people are forthcoming when they are asked questions themselves. You have to remember too, many people like those that have an air of mystery around them so not talking much about yourself will not necessary make you seem dull. And I've never met a man who has been single for a long time who would be considered 'excessively cheerful' - met lots of very cheerful men in relationships though.

The eye contact is a good one though - no eye contact is bad as well as not enough eye contact. That is about the only thing that I think would be bad out of the list you have mentioned.

Being disinterested is not a bad way to get into a relationship, but it is a bad way to stay in a relationship.

Sure. I am discussing things that cause initial rejection/acceptance however. Staying in a relationship is a whole other story...

Might work with 20-somethings, but by the time they get to their 40's *most* men and women are totally not interested in such games any more. I suspect that for an Aspie the correct 'degree' is impossible to achieve. When you're shy, you will always appear 'uninterested'. It doesn't help.

Attraction is a mystery. It is not a solveable problem, otherwise there wouldn't be an involountary single person on the planet. The advice you give (to be fair it is not yours but a list of oft-quoted cliches), has no substance. It is like the person who loses their key in the dark yet looks for it down the road under a streetlight 'cos they can see better there. They are all easy, simple things to change, yet they are not the answer. As we grow older, many of us have made all these changes. And found that it changes nothing. (And then they tell you that you should have just "been yourself" all along!)

Think of this: imagine a person you find totally unattractive. Now imagine them freshly bathed, in nice clothes and talking pleasantly. Do you now find them attractive. Of course not! It's just the same unatractive person trying vainly to impress you! The converse: think of someone you find attractive. Imagine them all sweaty after a 10 mile run. Imagine they've lost their job and are broke. Imagine them unhappy for a day. Are you now totally repulsed by them? Of course not - unless you are a pathologically shallow specimen of humanity, in which case, I'm not interested in your opinion.

If there's any 'secret' to attraction it's that like attracts like. We seek 'equivalents' of opposite gender (not identicals). Being unwashed and unemployable does NOT mean you can not be in a relationship. Go to any run down city area and you will see no shortage of unwashed, unemployed couples wandering the streets. And that's the point - like feels comfortable with like. The problem for KenM is not personal. It is that as a 40-something Aspie male, he is in a very, very small minority. There aren't many 'likes' out there. There aren't many equivalents. He would be better off NT, but obese and ignorant as they are much more common

Dating is very different at 40 than at 20. Beyond 40, there are far, far fewer available members of the opposite gender. And then when you consider that only 1% of us are Aspie, you see the real root of the problem. Most people are looking for an 'equivalent' to themselves who wants to spend as much time as possible surrounded by as many people as possible. People who's life mission is the acquisition of social status. Whilst denying it, of course When they meet an Aspie, they soon realise something is *off* . Regardless of how interested/disinterested they appear, how cheerful they are, even how much they are earning and how they look. They could be considered as a friend, but not relationship material. Well, not until a whole body/mind transplant becomes available.

Like seeks like, and for any 40+ Aspie at the edge of the herd, there just aren't many gems like us. Have patience and be prepared to travel.

I have had relationships with 40 year old men who have had plenty of luck using this strategy But of course in a relationship this does not necessarily work well. The point is I have met many desperate men in their 40s who have tried to initiate relationships with me or have friends of that age who have tried to start relationships. Men who have been single for that long tend to exude an air of desperation. This might (or might not) be relevant to the OP, but it is worth pointing out. You will have better luck with indifference than desperation at any age.



I disagree completely and I actually built that list from my own experiences and those of my friends with men they have rejected. But yes, it is also given out as advice in other areas (probably because it can help). Also attraction is not really a mystery - there are many things that one can generalise about attraction actually but of course it does not always hold true in every case (like most things). Some of those things that do not make one *in general* attractive I have already listed but like everything, there are exceptions to every rule. In general, poor, desperate, ugly, insecure fat men will not get as many dates as rich, indifferent, attractive, secure and well-built men will.



I have no idea what your analogy means. Moving along... most single men that I know in their 40s think they have made changes but really, people do not change significantly in general. Or if they do they are surface changes and NTs can generally pick up on when people are not completely themselves. So this leaves some men with the option of changing (and in general this is seen through by most women) or stay themselves - which has not worked in the past for whatever reason. Some people will never ever find relationships solely because of these facts. Harsh but it is true.



Sometimes I do. I can think of two clear cut cases (one of which I dated for six months).



Well I have lost attraction to certain people after certain acts (not specifically a 10 mile run) but after seeing them in certain states. So I guess you will be no longer interested in my opinion Basically attraction can wax and wane and physical appearance, hygiene, their attitude and so forth can impact on this. It is not something set in stone - i.e. you find someone attractive therefore you always will find them attractive and vice versa - it is not true.



That is part of it but as I've said a number of times, there are always exceptions. But in general you need to find a common ground.



Well his Aspieness is not the only thing that would prevent him from being a relationship. Generally people (NT or AS) who have been single for so long have their chances lowered all the time due to the eroding of self-esteem that comes with constant rejection as well as the increased desperation that comes about through prolonged time alone. These things are not attractive. Catch-22 really.



Yes that is true. There is not a lot one can do about that so I think a lot of the advice not to put such a priority on meeting someone and not tying one's happiness and self-esteem to a relationship is a good idea.



The OP seems far beyond the point where "have patience and be prepared to travel" is going to cut it. He is depressed and blaming God for his lack of success in finding women (something I must say is far improved from what I usually hear though - that it is womens' fault for not being interested). He appears to have given up. I guess it is hard to think of advice in such situations. Perhaps counselling, just completely avoiding trying to find a relationship to take the pressure off for a while as well as a period of introspection - being completely honest with himself as to why he has not had luck and whether a relationship is realistic or worthwhile to pursue might be better.

Saspie, what on earth are you doing hanging out with so many men old enough to be your father?

Surely the best advice you could give him is where you are meeting all these 40-something men who only have to be clean, cheerful and appear disinterested to become instantly attractive.

Strange, isn't it, if KenM said he was interested in a 24 year old girl, the Righteous would condemn him for being "unrealistic" at best, "dangerous pervert" at worst. No one can ever convince me there is any logic behind any of this...

Seriously, I wonder if meeting people in the first place isn't the main problem. When you get into your 40's, done the same job for a few years, have the same friends etc etc For example, I would have found it impossible to imagine 20 years ago, but I so rarely meet any new people. I'd guess that 'approaching strangers' isn't going to work for KenM...which is why I suggested 'patience'. He's waiting for the 1 in 10 of the 1 in 3 of the 1 in 8 of the 1 in 2 etc etc who is female, right age range, single and prepared to have a relationship with an Aspie and just happens to walk into his life....


Yes, that is exactly what I'm suggesting. We CANNOT make significant changes. If anything, we need to STOP adding further layers of change that submerge the essential person. Attraction is about types and everything every suggested in any 'dating' guide is only superficial. And adds more problems for us to *change* ..and get further depressed about when we're still lonely..until *another* do-gooder offers advice.

You missed the point of my story, I'll try another. Dating advice is like this: getting 10 people playing Russian Roulette, 9 bullets in the gun. At the end, there is only 1 person left alive. they ask the winner "What's the secret of your success?" "It's simple, I don't know why the other guys didn't figure it out" he says "just make sure you don't get shot!! !"

I have given up. There is no point anymore. I have tryed consilling but it did not help. I have done my best to change myself. I have a good job, my own place, use good hygine and all that. I am a little overweight but not morbilly obese.

I have even asked women that I have stayed friends with that I was interested in what was it about me that they were not interested in my romantically. I told them to be honest so I could figure it out what it was and fix it. They all said they don't know just something about me. I don't know if that was the truth or they just did not want to say.

Ugh. I hate it when people do that, give you an abstract answer but NO concrete suggestions. It frustrates the s**t out of me, so I know how you feel.

And there is no need to give up yet, if you still really want a woman.

What have you already tried? What activities are you into? You may meet a woman while playing a sport together or doing some other hobby. Are you HF enough to go to music events? Those are, at least others tell me so, quite good places to meet people of the opposite sex. You could also join a handful of internet forums other than this one. You may find someone you get on very well with and are attracted to in real life. I had a male friend who I was attracted to who I met in that way (we did stay just friends though).

I have tryed all that stuff. I have tryed changing how I act, my atitudes and all that. Nothing changed there is no point anymore.

Just to point it out; being asexual has nothing to do with the severness of aspergers.

Damn. That's rough.

I can't think of any other suggestions for meeting a woman.

The only thing I can think of that might help is that you learn to see being alone/single in a different light.

When I was a few years younger I used to really want a boyfriend. I felt so jealous of other girls it was like having the emotional equivalent of blood poisoning. I followed advice on how to get a boyfriend, dressed nicely, etc. but never managed to meet anyone. My longest relationship was a week and a half.

I'm 19 now and feel differently. Sure, it would be nice to have a boyfriend, but on the upside, I have more time for my own interests, I am not constantly obsessed with someone and neglecting the things I'd normally be working on, my emotions are stable, I'm not cranked up to the skull dome with excitement or overwhelmed by the closeness of a relationship. I am not analyzing for hours on end what went wrong because he's pissed at me or not talking. In a nutshell...I'm happy.

So it may come to be that way for you too - that being single is not a curse but just another way of being happy.

Do you have special interests at the moment? Or normal interests? It doesn't have to be an obsession, just something to take your mind off being single.

If not, try reading up on a few random subjects. Do some internet research on some random topics. If there's an animal you particularly like, learn about them, their morphology, their behaviour etc. If there is a language you always wanted to learn but didn't, learn some for fun. Take up some activities, maybe do some drawing or painting or whatever. I'm sure you will find something that seizes your attention, and makes you feel curious and focused instead of unhappy and pissed off at life.

I wish you well.