Relationships only batter my self-esteem

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Way to go writing that one off

If it was only early dating, things wouldn't hurt as much as they did/still do.

Not at all. It doesn't detract from anything that was there, i.e., the feelings and emotions, but it just didn't progress far.

It'd be like me counting my grade 4 GF as a relationship, when in fact it only lasted for several weeks, and it included all of the usual feelings and emotions too, for that age level.

Anyway, aren't we discussing ways that'll improve self-esteem from these experiences?

Using my example again, I kinda...just accepted the fact that what I didn't do was what she didn't want; it happened again in grade 7 too. Ruminating on why I failed and depreciating myself for something I had no control over is a path that just equals negative feelings. Sure, I can say, "autism!" But that doesn't change anything. I just wasn't what they wanted. It doesn't mean I'm a bad or good person, just that I'm not their person. I think this is where I learnt to accept some things as just "how it goes", and that she'll be coming around that mountain, when she does.

That's a good point.

Sadly, even the simple act of rejection can send people down a dark path. When heavy emotions are involved, when they're real, it's always going to hurt, no matter how long it lasted or didn't.

And it did send me down a dark path, more than once. It was the most awful thing I've ever felt, no joke, like someone had pulled the plug on my life support machine. I didn't eat to harm myself, I lost weight (almost 20kg).

I know, and I'm sorry (as hollow as that sounds).

It was real, as real as it can get, and I'd never downplay its impact on you and me. As you said, and you're right, things can be too real, too emotional, and this can lead to where we ended up. My little paper cut is nothing of the sort, and I felt the loss, more than I can externalize (I internalize things, though even then, they're still only nice thoughts for others, and if it's a bad event, I just scream inside, 'why?').

I guess I shouldn't be saying this in the open, but I think it's ok.

We can move on as better people from such, both of us.

Being rejected before anything started is better than being rejected after being accepted.

Sometimes. It depends on the person.

I've known males who've killed themselves because the women they loved didn't love them back in the same way. Who knows, these people may have been better off if they were dumped later on.

Pain is impossible to compare and contrast, even when it ends in death; no two steps leading even here equate to the same.

I wish this forum existed (or the internet for that matter!) when I was your age, because I am in my 50's now and have spent my whole life getting involved with guys who are selfish and narcissistic. (I am married to a guy right now who doesn't even like me because I really wanted a relationship). I seemed to be only attracted to people who would use me, including married men. I would become obsessed with them.

You are aware of the pattern of relationships with bad people--people who don't care about you. And honestly, some people are just very clever and can manipulate and seduce even the most astute person. But you are light years ahead of me. You can see the problem and can talk about it with people here. So there is real hope that you will find the right person. You will. Just hang in there and get through the pain.

This is true,blue_bean . You have to figure out why you keep picking the wrong guy or why the wrong guy keeps picking you. I'm old enough to be your mother but I still haven't figured it out. Perhaps a discussion like this thread would help. One thing though, I had always tried with outgoing extroverted guys because it was easier for me. I would always get dumped right away so I figured I needed a nice quiet shy bookworm. I found one and he is the father of my son but he turned out to be the biggest pathological liar and manipulator of all. I wish I had answers. It seems so easy for some people.

It's my proneness to obsession, it's gotta be. If I meet someone with the right combination of intensity, strong personality and unique looks they usually end up on my mind in a big way, regardless of if the rational part of my mind tells me they're not suitable for me. I don't know how to stop getting obsessed. And I don't know how to make the obsessions fade (apart from avoiding them, but sometimes that's not possible). It's not an AS thing, it's more of a self esteem and need to fill a deep subconcious emotional emptiness thing.....I think. Loveless upbringing and all...I'm desperate inside to feel things inside I never felt when younger.

I know the feeling. I don't know your own circumstances, but I will say I was loved growing up but I never felt it and only understood it intellectually for the last couple of years. My parent's weren't demonstrative but I don't think that was the problem. I think I simply can't perceive it. I saw myself as the pimple on the family ass, because of my inability to do normal things like everyone else.

My parents were cold. Dad had no patience for kids so he went to the pub a lot and came home drunk and verbally abusive most of the time. Mum liked to handle things by locking herself in her room and doing crosswords. I can't approach them for help with things as I'm scared they'll be insensitive and judgmental. The large emotional distance between me and them is still there to this day.

I have monster in me now and it will never die. It clings and yearns and makes me suffer .

I am worrying about you, Blue Bean. I am not sure what to write, but I can say that the pain does eventually go away. I think it can take a while though. I remember when I had a relationship with a guy and things went wrong, I was in this constantly upset and angry state for a whole 6 weeks. It was very hard to get through. i think after the 6 weeks things turned a corner. It was like there was a small shift in how upset and awful I felt, and from then onwards, I started to feel better, little bit by bit.

I think the most helpful thing was at the time I had supportive people around me. I hope you have a few such people around you...even a good counsellor would help.

I wish I knew what to write, I dont really know, I might even be making you feel worse...

The best thing to do is to do something- keep yourself busy, do something artistic, exercise.. spend time with people that you know... easier said than done i know.

I hope you kep posting in this thread, anyway, there are people here I think who can be very helpful.

Thank you for the worry.

I feel like I'm less than nothing to people at the moment, well to people that matter. None of it was meaningless to me, why is it to everyone else?

I am not sure of what the answer is to that. Probably it is that it did mean something to the other person, though sometimes that is not enough... I dont know. But one thing i do know is that moving on is the best thing... trying to think of the future and what you can do with it. I think you need some new things in your life.

I don't see anything in the future other than the same turmoil on repeat