Ranting. :/

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Hey if people care about you while you don't respect yourself, you won't ever believe that they actually care. We have a lot of things in common. I'm fat too with horrible hair and used to have no self esteem. I just forced myself to do new things, and I realized that this is my life ot live and no one can make me feel down on myself except for me.

I am losing weight, but I wanted to do something else in the meanwhile to improve my appearance. I got highlights (natural looking ones, looks nice). I straighten my hair and style it. I do my nails. Wear accessories and nice purses. I wear clothes that flatter me. I wear nice perfume (and not over-bearing either). I wear light make-up. I wear more feminine shoes and less tennis shoes. I stopped wearing t-shirts and baggy terrible fitting jeans. Believe me, the fat girl who looks like she takes care of her appearance and has confidence will often beat out the skinny chick who looks like a slob and needs a shower/smells like a dump. Now this doesn't have to be expensive (Places like Ross and Marshall's have really nice items for great prices). I know a lot of people with ASD don't really like to dress up (I know I never did, for the longest time) but it can be fun and if it gives you an extra boost in confidence than why not? I think you should try sometime

People might think it's superficial to be taking care of one's own appearance this much, but I think it's very fun to dress up and it makes me feel good. You're already doing what you can with your weight loss so that's very good. I think you should also try your best to get your license. It's worth the hard work, and driving isn't really scary. I think the thought of learning is the scary part.

You ARE good enough, you ARE great, but no one else is going to waste their time if you don't even think that for yourself.

BTW I'm a virgin too but it's by choice. I will probably be a virgin until I'm 23+. I don't think sex should be a big deal even though it is to most people. Being a virgin or non-virgin doesn't define who we are. No point in stressing over it. It'll happen when it happens.

I like pretty clothes. It's just not suitable to the college lifestyle. Also, it's been so damn hot out lately that I have to wear my workout clothes to class because I packed more fall clothes than summer stuff. Also, I can never find jeans that fit. I don't have a feminine shaped bottom. I've been told I have a man-ass. That's something every girl wants to hear. D:

I can't learn to drive when I'm at school. I have too much stuff to do and no one will teach me up here. I don't want to wreck another student's car and screw them over. I have to wait until the summer to learn, after I have graduated and am supposed to be looking for work. I won't have time. I either learn to drive or go job searching, my nerves can't handle myself failing at both of them at the same time.

I'm really trying but I just can't believe that right now. Maybe it's because I'm quitting my anti-depressants and I'm NOT going back on them again. XD

Im sorry to hear that the trolls are putting you down, you seem like a very nice person and you deserve any comment they have made. I believe the trolls are usually at love and dating therefore maybe you should try to stay away from that section for a short period because as one of the most important principles on the internet says"dont feed the troll". Trolls are usually attention-seekers that attack something else once they see you are not going to have an argument with them.



As a user mentioned before I think the problem has to do with confidence and other things rather than being fat. Also dont worry too much about loosing weight ,Im thin, I exercise whenever I can and I still have dating issues.
If it helps I also have a hard time at college, most of my classmates are male since there are only a few females in my degree(apparently becoming an IT is not every girls dream) and the only female on my class that doesnt avoid talking to me is over 40 and she has just gone through a divorce. I blew up my chance with most girls in my class because they are friends with some guys that pretended they were friends with me for months until I got bored of being used.


Dont worry too much about the whole plan C or whatever, I even doubt if Im someones plan Z.

If your roomie is always at your room maybe you need to find a place where you can cry without nobody caring too much about it.

I had similar problem when people asked me about sexuality, right now I just dont care because I know others are going to judge me, if its not that theyll find another excuse.

I haven't been making as many posts in L&D because of it. :/

Confidence is something I never had. Sometimes I ignore it if I'm busy but I've never really loved myself. In fact, I hated myself since I turned 10 when I "graduated" from the Special Education classes and had to deal with NT children all day. They hated me and I wanted to be left alone. That was also when I hit puberty and gained a lot of weight at once so I was ostracized further. Kids aren't supposed to be fat, especially females. It's even worse in your teens. D:

College is stressful but I manage to get decent grades so I guess I do all right academically. I have a 3.4-ish GPA overall. I still get a little jealous of my friends who get 4.0s every semester no sweat. I feel that maybe if I didn't have AS, I would be a 4.0 student too.

I would rather not be wanted at all than to be a secondary option. It means, "hey, I'll give you attention but only if so-and-so is mad at me because she's better than you." Most of the time, it turns out, that she's just easier to get into bed than I am and has little to no personality.

I don't know where to go for that. There's nowhere that has a door I can lock or anything apart from my room. She isn't here now but I don't have the urge to cry. That urge only comes when it's inconvenient for me.

I wish I knew why sex was such a big f*****g deal. I really don't get it at all. Besides, if I were to lose my virginity and if my mother found out, she'd kick me out of the house and I'd be homeless. I try explaining to her that I'm not interested and no one would want to sleep with me anyway. She doesn't believe me and keeps reminding me, "Be a good girl. No getting drunk, no having sex." I KNOW. I wish she'd f*****g trust me. She may have had all sorts of guys tending to her hand and foot and never went over a month being single when she was my age, but that's not me. I'm not as pretty and popular as she was and I wish she'd stop holding me up to her standard.

I hope I can see you back at L&D soon.
Its one of my favourite parts of this forum and I enjoy reading your posts since they show that immorality hasnt reached all girls about my age yet. It means I may still be able to find a suitable partner(the probability of finding someone is tiny but its better than nothing).


I had plenty of trouble with confidence in the past, for a few months I even started to approach other people when I was drunk because it made me feel more confident(this came to an end after an evening waiting for a girl to turn up into a party and by the time she showed up a had drunk more than half a bottle, being anxiety and a bottle of alcohol isnt a great combination).
I dont think I ever hated myself but there are times i wish I was more like others and had better lcuk with dating and so.

Im glad you are doing well in college, I could have done better this year but I didnt put enough effort into studying, this year Im going to try harder(I dont want to expend another summer studying what I didnt study during the year).


Secondary options can be suckish, however I still believe that its better than nothing. At least they are considering you as datable, its been a long time since that happened to me(maybe I should start trying to approach girls since Im a male and so but Im afraid of rejection).


Isnt there any sort of bathroom at college?. Where I study most bathrooms have locks, its not the exact same thing but maybe youll be more comfortable crying there than in your room with your roomie there.





I dont have a clue why sex is the most important thing ever to most people either, but it probably has to do with the fact taht neither of us has ever done it.


I may be repeating myself this time(said something very similar last week)but if I was going to date someone I would be more concerned about your insecurity with yourself and your bad relationship with your mother than by your weight. You may not start talking about your momy issues offline ass easily as here but you still have them and I think if you got over them you will be far more confident with yourself.

As soon as the misogynists are gone, I may be able to return but those guys are a dime a dozen sadly. :/

I usually don't drink that much. Like, I'll have two drinks and that's it but that's because I don't have a lot on money on me.

There's a bathroom in my wing but there's only locks on the stalls, not the room itself. Since anyone can walk into the room, including my roommate, I don't think that would be very effective.

Probably. I just know, based on what people have told me, sex hurts for girls for the first 10 times or so. I don't really feel like going through that kind of suffering right now. D:

Until I move out or she dies, I don't think the mommy issues would disappear. I'm not wishing for her death or anything because I do love her, she just drives me up the wall. I know people who have worse mommy/daddy issues than me and they still have relationships. Granted, those people are a lot better looking. >.>

Its good to drink as less as possible, Ive been trying to stop drinking that much for a long period and Im finally succeding(almost a month without alcohol/ and a few weeks without tobacco and Im not going mad ).

When I drunk that much I usually asked a friend to share the bottle with me and that way we only paid for half a bottle each(less than a drink at msot bars where I live).

I havent heard many males complaining about sex and I dont want to know about it for at least a few months since I seriously need to focus on my study and Im not planning on starting a relationship soon since it would be a distraction (sex without a relationship sounds pointless to me).

The hot crazy-scale(link in case you have no idea what Im talking about) can be a pain if you are under the line yes.

That's why I don't drink too much. I actually want to remember stuff. >.>

Men don't complain about sex because it doesn't hurt them as much. They're jamming their peg into our hole so it's gonna hurt if one's hole is a bit small. D:

I'll watch the video later. My roommates in the room now and I can't find my headphones. >.<

qft

I do think that here and in RL, there are people that do like you, think you're a good person, and would appreciate you as a friend (or in the case of guys something more). But you hate yourself so much, you aren't allowing yourself to see anything good others see.

You and I have quite a bit of similarities, so I kinda know what you're going through.
- cold, heavily intrusive, emotionally and verbally abusive mother with an authoritarian streak: check
- lack of friends at home: check
- family members and/or roommates who never leave: check
- any potential relationships with the opposite sex tend to be disastrous: check
- any potential relationships with the opposite sex are with people using you: check
- 20 something year old virgin: check

You aren't going to have any overnight changes. I wish I had more to offer you for advice, but I can't even really help myself in the self-loathing loner department. Just do the best you can and do as much as you can to be happy, even with your circumstances. Try not to have people bother you and control you (as much). My grandfather is an a**hole, so I've largely stopped seeing him and moved out of his basement. My mother is my mother, who is a b***h - I can't help that so I can just fight my battles when I can.

I know. I feel better today then I did when I posted the topic. I'm super busy with school so that distracts me a bit. That and I went to a bar with my friends last night and had a few very weak drinks. Even though there wasn't much alcohol in them, I still felt better because I was surrounded by like-minded people. It's easier to not be controlled when I'm at school but the influence is still there. I wish I was financially able to live on my own now but I'll have to work on it. It may not even happen for 5-10 years after I graduate, I don't know. I guess I'll have to find out.

I had much more fun and freedom when I was in college than when I got out. It was strange to regress so much. So yeah, enjoy it while you can.

In my case however, I moved out of my parents house in April of 2009 cause me and my mother had a huge blowup. I moved back in June this year, and my mother has given me some more freedom upon my return. But she's still as intrusive as ever, so I guess better than nothing considering her.

I went to trivia night at a bar a few towns over, it's a new Thursday (formerly Tuesday) night tradition. Have a few beers, be around some fairly bright people, just have a calm and enjoyable evening. There are times where I question if they like me or not, but that's more the social anxiety and irrational fear. Before my mother would give me crap about even going to bars, but now just wants to know everything about what I do and likes the fact I have any sort of resemblance of a social life.

Erisad, you should move to Coventry in the Midlands of UK. All the fat women are pushing prams, so someone here must be shagging them.

Yeah, not looking forward to graduation. That is IF I can pass the senior comprehensive exams I'm taking this fall. If I don't pass, no diploma. I could take it again in the spring but what if I fail again? I can't fail on any question or I will fail the exam. Come on, I already passed most of the courses, can't I just graduate without having so much added stress? >.<

*sigh* My mom just says, "You can do it! Stay positive!" It's easy for her to say. She only has an associate degree in business, she didn't have to do anything like this. I love how she thinks that I'm exactly like her and if she thinks it's easy, that it'll be easy for me too. :/

My mom is concerned that I'll become a lush if I go to the bar every Thursday. Even when I go, I don't have anything strong. I'm barely buzzed for gosh sakes. Hell, I don't even have that much money to go every week so I don't see why she's so bothered by it. Besides, she has three bottles of wine in the house that she will consume herself whenever she's stressed.

I don't even know what you just said.

*Googles "pushing prams"* Ooooooooooooooooooh okay. Lol. Maybe they were in shape before becoming pregnant? Women DO gain weight during pregnancy. >.>

Yah. My parents are worried that I'll become a lush and throw my life away. I have a cousin who is an alcoholic, threw away a chance at a pro baseball career. He also got caught up in drugs and with some crazy stuff involving that. So to her, anyone that drinks will slowly go down the slippery slope and become a drunken bum crawling the streets of the town. Like my cousin, or one of her brothers and some other relatives.

My father never drank, my mother hasn't since the late 1970s.

At least your mom isn't hypocritical about it.

My dad makes his own wine and will use it to pay part of his rent. XD