Depression is a funny thing

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keira
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22 Feb 2011, 3:04 am

Yensid wrote:

I find the extreme extroverts the hardest to deal with. They really do seem to suffer when they are with people who are not extroverts. Many, not all, of them try to make you socialize like they do, and they get very frustrated when you simply don't feel like socializing.

oh I know what you mean. I've got this friend who's extremely sociable and hyper all the time. He's really ok when I feel like socializing but can be ridiculously annoying when I need peace and quiet. Sometimes it seems that he even gets angry at me if I refuse to go out or if I just chose to stay quiet. I think people like that truly believe that the only way to be happy is to be surrounded by people and socialize and they simply can't or won't understand others who prefer any other way.

Anspaughnato
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22 Feb 2011, 3:08 am

Depression can affect anyone under any circumstance.

The richest man in the world can still be depressed.

marshall
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24 Feb 2011, 1:32 pm

Yensid wrote:

It's odd, you know. My life really is not that bad. It could be better. I could have a better job. I would love to be less lonely. I would love to have a few friends, even just one friend. Still, I realize that things could be much worse. There really is no real reason for me to be depressed, but I am.

Some people say that depression is a chemical imbalance. They may be right. All I know is that it defies logic. My life is not that bad, but yet this horrible cloud hangs over me, bringing me down. It it a thing outside of myself. It is not me. Yet, somehow, it is a part of me.

People who don't suffer from depression will never understand the feeling. It is not a feeling of sadness. In fact, at times I welcome sadness, because at least it means that I can feel something. I have felt grief. Grief is honest. It is clean. It has a reason. They say that time heals all wounds, and time will eventually heal grief. Time does not heal depression.

I do not know exactly how to describe depression. The closest thing that I can say is that it is like being slowly smothered under a pile of pillows. Every movement requires so much energy. Every breath is so difficult to draw. You want move, to do something but you cannot find the energy.

I had an argument with a person once. He said that feeling suicidal was an act of self hatred. He was wrong. I have no self hatred. What I feel towards myself is pity, more than anything else. I wish for death, not because of self hatred, but because I am just so tired of living. I am tired, so tired. I no longer want to fight. I no longer want to be alone. I just want a little peace.

Really, the only thing that keeps me around is the knowledge that death is a messy thing. The ones left behind are the ones who suffer. They have to pick up the pieces. My strong sense of personal morality says that it is wrong to do that to anybody.

Sleep is a good thing. I enjoy sleeping. Sleep brings healing. Sleep brings escape. I spend as much time as I can sleeping. Unfortunately, the demands of life insure that I cannot spend all of my time sleeping. I will get some sleep soon, and forget the world for a few hours. That sounds like a good idea. It's time to sleep, at least for a little while.

Oh, I hear you. I've had dysthymia and on/off depression for over 15 years. Really, the tiredness and lack of motivation is the hardest thing. Then there's the fact that you get no credit. Even though just getting up in the morning and forcing yourself through a routine feels like climbing mount everest, that is still the bare minimum of what society expects. People don't even see how much of a struggle it is, much less understand. I find that most people are presumptive judgemental pricks when it comes to depression. Even people who are depressed themselves blame themselves for "succumbing" to it. It's almost like society expects depressed people to hate themselves. Depression is seen as a personal vice to be overcome rather than a genuine illness. It's the only illness that is seen this way from my experience.

Yensid
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25 Feb 2011, 5:20 am

marshall wrote:

Really, the tiredness and lack of motivation is the hardest thing. Then there's the fact that you get no credit. Even though just getting up in the morning and forcing yourself through a routine feels like climbing mount everest, that is still the bare minimum of what society expects. People don't even see how much of a struggle it is, much less understand.

Yes, indeed. Sometimes it just seems like it just takes so much energy, just to exist, to continue to breathe. People who have not experienced it have no concept.

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Depression is seen as a personal vice to be overcome rather than a genuine illness. It's the only illness that is seen this way from my experience.

Not the only one, but certainly one of the commonest. I think that psychological illnesses in general are misunderstood by people. People just do not understand that mental illnesses are exactly that, illnesses. They are not signs of weakness or poor character. The human brain is an amazing and complicated thing, but sometimes it just malfunctions.

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Last edited by Yensid on 25 Feb 2011, 4:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Arian
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25 Feb 2011, 5:40 am

Exactly .

When I came Out as having a longterm mental illness, after hiding it for 15 years, the majority of people still didn't understand. I've made it my mission to be open and honest about it, regardless of how uncomfortable it is for me, and what is the reaction I get... "you like talking about yourself, don't you" *Sigh*.

If the media is distributing misinformation about mental illness all the time, why shouldn't I try and offset that by explaining the reality of the situation? But it's like it's seen as something shameful which I've chosen, not an illness I'm stuck with :lol: . People are weird.

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Yensid
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25 Feb 2011, 4:04 pm

It is not just the media. It seems like there are sources of misinformation everywhere. It seems like you really have to work to find accurate information. I have no idea why people seem so eager to spread misinformation, but so reluctant to spread good information.

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marshall
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25 Feb 2011, 7:03 pm

Yensid wrote:

The problem is everyone thinks they know what depression is like because everyone knows what it's like to "feel depressed". So they project. Also, people who have had mild or temporary depression think they know what it's like to have chronic or severe depression.

jackbus01
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26 Feb 2011, 9:32 am

marshall wrote:

Yensid wrote:

Yes, exactly!

Yensid
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26 Feb 2011, 2:09 pm

Yes, indeed. People who have had a few bad times have no idea what it is like to be depressed day after endless day, year after endless year. It is not just the bad feelings. It is the feeling of hopelessness that you get when it lasts so long that you are forced to consider the prospect that you will continue to feel that way for the rest of your life.

Someone told me that he understood depression because he had experienced some rough times. I said that if that was true, then I knew what it was like to be a cat because I once crawled on all fours. Someone else told me that he was just trying to express sympathy. I ended the conversation, because I thought that they were completely clueless and insensitive.

When I was at my worst, I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills, because I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. I put plastic bags over my head, because was just so tired of breathing. How dare these people tell me that they understand that? How can they possibly understand that unless they have been there?

A friend of mine told me that he understood loneliness because he had to sleep alone when his wife kicked him out. I knew that his wife kicked him out because he refused to stop cheating on her. How does that compare to the loneliness of someone who has never been on a serious date? Someone who has never kissed a woman? How does that compare to the total hopeless of knowing that things may never change? I'm sorry. I will never understand what he went through and he will never have the slightest notion of what I was feeling.

I have gone through periods when I just felt nothing. After a while, you just get so tired of feeling nothing that you begin to think that if it would be a good idea to seriously injure yourself, because that might be a way to actually feel something. I do not think that you can really sympathize with that unless you have been there.

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Nier
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26 Feb 2011, 4:41 pm

Quote:

A friend of mine told me that he understood loneliness because he had to sleep alone when his wife kicked him out. I knew that his wife kicked him out because he refused to stop cheating on her.

And he thinks this demonstrates understanding ?

I get annoyed by those who mess up their lives, other's lives, then cry, complain or emote over you for sympathy whilst not caring what you're going through in return. Especially when you'd value & appreciate a fraction of those things they're throwing away in a self-created drama.

Sorry if that sounds harsh on your friend, I am talking generally as I knew someone similar & he'd run around making his not-perfect-but-good life difficult, getting involved in train-wreck relationships, then spending hours dumping all the emotional fallout of his choices onto me. I listened, and thought he may want to hear about my life in return, but he just wanted an audience to perform to and be applauded / consoled / appreciated. Given that I was imploding in a sea of non-existence, I had enough of that cr*p.

Quote:

I have gone through periods when I just felt nothing. After a while, you just get so tired of feeling nothing that you begin to think that if it would be a good idea to seriously injure yourself, because that might be a way to actually feel something.

Yes, precisely why self-harmers don't necessarily want suicide, they want to feel something or else transfer a psychological pain into an external physical one. It's logical, albeit slightly twisted.
I wish I could sit down and have serious talks with those kids who are 'experimenting' with this because it's 'the in thing'. There are plenty of kids who are in genuine need of help & they're generally not the ones who get the attention.

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26 Feb 2011, 7:17 pm

Yensid wrote:

Yes, depression is filled with self-pity. In my case, it's because my own mind has turned against me, constantly throwing past mistakes at me. Very messed up indeed. I use meditation for my healing, so the outside world can't destroy my feelings of love.

Yensid
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27 Feb 2011, 12:12 am

Nier wrote:

And he thinks this demonstrates understanding ?

Yes. What happened to the empathy that NTs are supposed to have?

Quote:

I get annoyed by those who mess up their lives, other's lives, then cry, complain or emote over you for sympathy whilst not caring what you're going through in return.

That was not true in this case. At least he did listen to me, and in general he did not tell me his problems. Actually, neither of us was the sort to talk about our problems (despite what you might see of me here on WrongPlanet). The problem was that what he thought was sympathy just made me feel worse.

Quote:

Especially when you'd value & appreciate a fraction of those things they're throwing away in a self-created drama.

Exactly. He had a very sweet, long-suffering wife. It was not that there were any fundamental problems in his marriage. He just felt no guilt about cheating on her. The last I heard, he was on his third wife.

Quote:

Sorry if that sounds harsh on your friend, I am talking generally as I knew someone similar & he'd run around making his not-perfect-but-good life difficult, getting involved in train-wreck relationships, then spending hours dumping all the emotional fallout of his choices onto me. I listened, and thought he may want to hear about my life in return, but he just wanted an audience to perform to and be applauded / consoled / appreciated. Given that I was imploding in a sea of non-existence, I had enough of that cr*p.

Yeah. That was not quite the same situation, but I know what sort of person you are talking about.

Quote:

Yes. It makes sense, but you have to have been there to understand why it makes sense.

Quote:

I wish I could sit down and have serious talks with those kids who are 'experimenting' with this because it's 'the in thing'. There are plenty of kids who are in genuine need of help & they're generally not the ones who get the attention.

That makes no sense to me. Why act in a dysfunctional way unless you actually have some sort of real problem?

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marshall
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27 Feb 2011, 11:35 pm

Yensid wrote:

Nier wrote:

And he thinks this demonstrates understanding ?

Yes. What happened to the empathy that NTs are supposed to have?

I don't know. Maybe they have more of a superficial type of empathy. They experience more "warm fuzzies" with each other that makes their interaction more engaging. As far as actually understanding what it's like to live in someone else's shoes, it seems all humans are equally impaired. Only experience can change this.

Quote:

The problem was that what he thought was sympathy just made me feel worse.

It seems like that is just something you have to get used to when you suffer from depression. Very few people, if any, will know the right thing to say, but if they feel even more awkward saying nothing they may just say the wrong thing anyways. You can't make them "get it".

Quote:

Yes. It makes sense, but you have to have been there to understand why it makes sense.

Catharsis? I haven't self-harmed (blood scares me), but I can imagine it is similar to the urge to listen to music that, in my mind, expresses pain. Converting a pain that is intangible and inexpressible into something that can communicate through the physical senses.

Arian
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28 Feb 2011, 7:51 am

I have to admit, I think that was the root of my suicide attempts - a need to feel something when all I really felt was numb.

You realise, you've got me thinking about all the times I've tried to say I'm Depressed and people have replied "Oh, I know!". Bless 'em.

I'm genuinely enjoying reading this thread, incidentally. Depression is such a lonely illness, it's very comforting to know that someone else truly understands . Thank you.

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28 Feb 2011, 11:36 am

I feel fantastic compared to how I felt the first 35 years of my life. I'm lucky that medication makes a difference for me. Still I have low energy and low motivation. So they tell me I'm still mildly depressed and try this or that combination of drugs. Generally they either don't change anything significantly or are a disaster ( like the lowest dose possible of Geodon- which produced tardive dyskinesia and this weird vocal tic where my vocal chords vibrated strangely and everything came out Wookie).

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28 Feb 2011, 4:33 pm

marshall wrote:

True enough. At the same time however, if someone expresses something to me that is outside of my experience, I will say that I do not understand what they are going through, but I do recognize their suffering. I may mention something that is similar, hoping to provide some support, but I will not say that it is the same thing. That is something that anybody can do, regardless of what they have experienced. I do not know why so few people get that.

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