would you read a person's diaries post-suicide?

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hyperlexian
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24 May 2011, 1:29 pm

cdfox7 wrote:

mmm confusion and indecision! Yes other perspectives can help & at the same time help you to be confused and indecisive!

lol ok this made me actually laugh out loud. you are correct.

cdfox7 wrote:

Do you what my perspective on what decision to make? I'll share will you a personal story in private about holding on to a letter E my ex wore to her sill born son S to asked me to look after it.

ok thanks for that.

cdfox7 wrote:

Saddness is still an negative emotion and a cloak by a different name. Do you still what to wear that cloak?

i feel it's a necessary stop on the road to being not-sad.

cdfox7 wrote:

Yes thoses diaries have positive content, Is there any learning that you can take from if you read the negative content of your mother's diaries?

yes, probably. but perhaps not the obvious reasons.

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Moog
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24 May 2011, 1:35 pm

hyperlexian wrote:

Moog wrote:

I read my mum's suicide note when she had her first failed attempt.

I can't really remember what it said.

Not the same thing, obviously.

I don't think anyone can answer for you, hyper.

I suspect you want to.

Maybe leave it for a better time if you don't feel strong enough.

omg i had no idea. that's incredibly sad. (((hugs)))

it is the same thing, in my opinion. my mom left a note, and i did read it. it was angry and full of blame and yet filled with practical details. i am afraid the diaries will just be a drawn out version of that.

there's a part of me that wants permission to go one way or the other. i hate making decisions. i make wrong and stupid decisions an awful lot.

I throw dice or toss coins if I can't decide what to do.

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TenPencePiece
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24 May 2011, 1:35 pm

Personally, I would read it at least at some point, because I feel that if I didn't it would nag at me forever.
But ultimately it is your personal decision, it depends on how you feel about it yourself.

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hyperlexian
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24 May 2011, 1:40 pm

TenPencePiece, i think it may nag at me forever too.

Moog wrote:

I throw dice or toss coins if I can't decide what to do.

funny, my mom used to say: "flip a coin and go with your gut", because then you think you are letting fate take a hand but your gut feeling will tell you what you really want to do.

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cdfox7
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24 May 2011, 2:26 pm

hyperlexian wrote:

cdfox7 wrote:

mmm confusion and indecision! Yes other perspectives can help & at the same time help you to be confused and indecisive!

lol ok this made me actually laugh out loud. you are correct.

lol guess what? I am too, guilty of the crimes of confusion and indecision. This is who I deal with it & also my prespective on the decision. I spent time alone a lot of the time with nature in a park with a pen & paper. I think about the issue I need to make an decision on then I mediate. While I mediate I might get thoughts, feeling & insights that I don't question or ruminate on, I then finice my mediation then write down them insights & then make a decision. Most of the time with me its the first thougth that comes into my mind from nowhere. Give that a go!!

hyperlexian wrote:

cdfox7 wrote:

Saddness is still an negative emotion and a cloak by a different name. Do you still what to wear that cloak?

i feel it's a necessary stop on the road to being not-sad.

As long as the clock donen't become too weighty for you to wear & starts slowing you down in life, its ok, if it weighs you down then get rid of it.

RainingRoses
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24 May 2011, 2:27 pm

Henbane wrote:

This is a hard decision for you. But its not one you need to make just yet. It sounds to me like you don't feel ready to do it.

This sounds right to me. There's no urgency. You obviously understand the gravity of doing this; do it when you feel really, really ready to jump in. Like you and others have said, there's no going back once you've read them.

Henbane wrote:

The problem with destroying the diaries is that its a permanent step.

Yes. Do not do this. You may want to re-read them later. Other people may want to read them at some point -- maybe decades from now.

Henbane wrote:

Deciding not to make a decision either way just yet may be better. You may find that you are able to read them in a few years and experience less pain than you would do now. There may be some comfort you can draw from them in the future, or you may be able to glean some information about her that you would not otherwise know. Or you may decide never to read them.

This is what I would do. Decide not to decide just yet.

Good luck...

hyperlexian
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24 May 2011, 2:54 pm

RainingRoses wrote:

Henbane wrote:

This is a hard decision for you. But its not one you need to make just yet. It sounds to me like you don't feel ready to do it.

Henbane wrote:

The problem with destroying the diaries is that its a permanent step.

Yes. Do not do this. You may want to re-read them later. Other people may want to read them at some point -- maybe decades from now.

Henbane wrote:

This is what I would do. Decide not to decide just yet.

Good luck...

all good points. i definitely wouldn't do anything rash or dispose of the diaries without months or years of reflection and consultation with my sisters, so no worried there. ironically (ironic because i have my grandparents' diaries) i didn't think about future generations, so that is definitely something to keep in mind.

i will probably do exactly that - decide not to decide. there's really no rush, i guess.

thanks for quoting Henbane, actually. i missed her recent post as i was simultaneously quoting someone else, and there is a lot of wisdom in here. really, i am learning so much from reading people's ideas and perspectives. the ultimate decision about reading the diaries is mine, but i am gaining a lot of insight that i never could have found by only looking inward.

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hyperlexian
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24 May 2011, 2:58 pm

cdfox7 wrote:

yeah, my therapist is helping me to visualize both sides of a decision and reflect upon how those two sides make me feel, complete with images and sensations. it is helping me in therapy, but i have a rough time applying the concepts to real life.

cdfox7 wrote:

As long as the clock donen't become too weighty for you to wear & starts slowing you down in life, its ok, if it weighs you down then get rid of it.

that's a big problem right there, isn't it? rumination and weighty sadness.

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cdfox7
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24 May 2011, 3:26 pm

hyperlexian wrote:

may be talking to therapist about the issue & ask if its ok to use them technique in a sesaion to come up with you decision. As it do two things for you one give you a real life use to practice on & two to make your own decision.

hyperlexian wrote:

that's a big problem right there, isn't it? rumination and weighty sadness.

Tell me about

we just have to keep on top of managing it. Tho with the rumination I found the best way to stop it for me to tell my mind to STFU :lol:

crouton
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26 May 2011, 10:32 am

Lene wrote:

I probably would out of curiousity, but I'd feel guilty too. I'd also dread about reading negative things about myself...

This describes my feelings quite well. I'd be quite torn if I found myself faced with such a decision, but curiosity would probably get the better of me in the end...

hyperlexian
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26 May 2011, 10:57 am

crouton wrote:

Lene wrote:

I probably would out of curiousity, but I'd feel guilty too. I'd also dread about reading negative things about myself...

This describes my feelings quite well. I'd be quite torn if I found myself faced with such a decision, but curiosity would probably get the better of me in the end...

that is recurring theme, i think. curiosity is surpisingly not a big factor for me. in some ways i am curious about things, but in other ways i am kind of content to let things lie. i bought an unopened letter at a flea market recently, and i don't think i will ever open that, for example.

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cdfox7
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26 May 2011, 12:01 pm

Henbane wrote:

The problem with destroying the diaries is that its a permanent step.

I agree with that! Ok lets look at the facts here. One's of hyperlexian sister's had read the diaries & discovered that theres "toxic" content in it. We now know that Schrödinger's moggie has been radioactively poisoned!! What do you do with toxic waste, do you keep it or get rid of it?

Physical keeping the diaries when it known that there content is toxic associates the diaries themselves as as toxic or radioactive if you wish to call it such. What do you do with a radioactively poisoned cat? This symbolical link needs to be addressed!

Burying toxic waste in the ground or putting it in a freezer, are other options in safely handling this type of toxic radioactive material. Henbane I shared with hyperlexian in private my own experiences of handling my own toxic radioactive waste.

Now IMO theses diaries are emotionally radioactive!!
*puts on my hazmat suit*

TeaEarlGreyHot
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26 May 2011, 12:05 pm

I wouldn't, but I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

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hyperlexian
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26 May 2011, 12:56 pm

TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:

I wouldn't, but I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

why wouldn't you?

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emlion
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26 May 2011, 12:58 pm

i've been thinking about this ever since i first saw the thread.
i don't think i would want to read someones innermost thoughts, i'd not like the thought of someone reading mine.
i'd probably burn them, to kind of clense their memory or something.
i still can't quite put into words what i mean.

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26 May 2011, 1:01 pm

hyperlexian wrote:

TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:

I wouldn't, but I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

why wouldn't you?

I've been suicidal in the past, and I would expect what I read to bring back very old and very dark thoughts and feelings.

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