My Facade is Slipping...

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My daughter's AS friend at school almost got her into serious trouble a few weeks ago with his thing for remembering numbers.

She was being badly bullied and had finally gone to the police about it. They had agreed to take a harassment case out against the girl doing the bullying and went to speak to her with her parents. A lot of the bullying was by email and text and when the police got there they found the girl's parents absolutely furious because their daughter had had odd texts that day obviously connected with my daughter (they contained her name) so they naturally thought my daughter was bullying their daughter rather than the other way round. The police rang me and explained and asked if my daughter had given out this girl's number to a friend or was using a different mobile. My daughter couldn't remember anything of the sort - all very puzzling till the policewoman read out the texts to me. The first was' "I'm a little pony", and I knew immediately who was involved.
Apparently this friend had been sat next to my daughter when she had received a text from a number she didn't recognise so she had gone through her address book to see if she could find the number. Because she is severely dyslexic she vocalises as she reads and had read the numbers out under her breath. Her friend had remembered every one of them and had just chosen one at random to contact - any friend of my daughter's would clearly (to him) be his friend too! His fascination (unusual for a boy of 16 even of the AS variety) is my little pony!

Fortunately the girl involved also had an autistic brother and her parents understood what had happened - if they hadn't it could have turned very nasty.

There is a certain level of relief and comfort when you figure out way it is the way it is. I believe it is only natural to want to share with certain people your discovery if nothing more then to vindicate yourself or to bring an understanding to them of the circumstances in which you operate. Sadly it seems it not easily accepted by people who have operated in the “normal world”. I am sure that for most it because they want to be encouraging and say upbeat things like “We all feel that way from time to time.” Of course there is the occasional individual who believes its hooey. I have told several friends and co-workers of my suspicions of being an Aspie and I have gotten less then a stellar response. Now that I feel comfortable being myself instead of NT person I created I get the feeling they are uneasy with me, I could be misinterpreting but I doubt it. I may have to go back to being the strong silent type they liked before for the time being and then wane them off gradually. I have a strong base at home to operate from as my family is no only supportive they are the ones that told me I was probably an Aspie.

Hey zemanski thanks for the phrase.

Aspergers is never mild, it simply "is".

Cheers

One of my problems right now, and I am pretty sure this is just a phase, is that I am very conflicted between the person I am when nobody is looking, and the facade I have spent my whole life creating, forifying, repairing, adjusting and maintaining. I have worked so hard all of my life to be one way, that to let that facade down now and just be me seems too easy, too simple... like cheating.

One of the things about me is I cannot stand cheating. I think that comes from working so hard for everything I achieve, that it just angers me when someone cheats and gets the advantage without the hard work. I don't ever think like that and methods of cheating just don't occur to me. I never take what's not mine, physically or metophorically.

And to just... be... without having to do something in order to be just feels like cheating. I am not sure how to explain it.

I also don't do well with receiving gifts. I have a tough time even receiving back money that is owed me if I know that person paying me back really still can't spare it.

I guess you could say that I have the opposite of a sense of entitlement...

Anyway, all of this is very hard and since finding out that I have Aspergers and I don't have to hide who I am, I seem even more determined to do so, even against my will.

Just because you can be the person you are when you are in private doesn't mean you have to let go of the person you want to present to the outside world if you aren't ready or don't want to. A mask is a useful tool when you don't want to be too exposed but realising it is a mask means you now know that you can let it down if you want to.

When you have found a comfortable place to be with yourself in your own mind then you can feel stronger in yourself and perhaps change the person you show to others, perhaps only a little or bit by bit - remember, there are strengths to AS, not just weaknesses and oddities. Your strong sense of justice and fairness is one of those strengths which is common to many people on the spectrum, and one that others can appreciate - it can make you a loyal and valued friend and colleague, someone others know they can trust and rely on. It can make life difficult when others don't see things quite the way you do or when it holds you back by making you feel you are cheating but it can be a great help too.

It is still early days and these sort of adjustments take a lot of time and emotional energy, as you build your awareness you will learn to feel more comfortable with yourself and learn which tools are useful and which can be disgarded.

Go easy on yourself

Thanks Z. I know it is just another leg of my journey... I had to draw my own map the last time... at least this time, I can see that there are a few folks on the path ahead of me.

On a side note... this was posted on the corporate web site that they insist must be our Home Page on our browser... oh if only it were that simple. I almost found this offensive

Wellness Tip for the Week: Practice Good Mental Health

Taking care of your mental health is a major part of your health and well being. In order to take care of anyone else, it is necessary to start by taking care of yourself. You have to keep your mind healthy, so you can do the things in life that are important to you whether it is taking care of your family, taking a class, volunteering, enjoying a hobby. Here are some tips to get started on the road to happiness and fulfillment:

Think positive and keep a sense of humor.
Prevent negative feelings from building up; deal with the cause constructively.
Learn to like yourself.
Make the best of what you have.
Learn to accept what you cannot change.
Be kind, loving and polite to your family and yourself.
Treat everyone with respect.
Stay healthy by exercising regularly, eating wisely and getting enough sleep.
Don’t smoke or drink alcohol to relieve stress; they won’t solve your problems and may make things worse.

Corporate condescension!

Be nice if it was that easy, I guess for NT’s it might be. When I look around me I see lot of normal people putting on facade too and the things on that list are some of them.

Again Z you summed it up nicely.

"Corporate condescension!"

To senath, about the diagnosis I understand where you’re coming from, I feel the same way. I've noticed something though about people with AS and I think it's true. It doesn’t matter if have a diagnosis. If anything it’s for us personally and the rest of the world, that’s what the diagnosis is for, Aspies know their own. Good luck too you.

Cheers

It's not that easy for NTs either.

If you already have mental health problems that list won't help - it's too late, you need professional help not a trite list - and if you don't you won't be motivated to do the things because you won't see the risk (AS people are much better at seeing the risk than NTs many of whom prefer to live life oblivious until it hits them in the face but that's probably because so many live on the edge of mental health problems because of the stress and anxiety they live with every day trying to cope in a largely hostile world).

The people a list like this is most useful for are those who have had mental health problems and have recovered - however, those people will already know how important some of those things are for them to avoid falling into the same state again, so it's not that useful for them either.

Thanks, hyksos55.