I Fail...
SanityTheorist
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05 Aug 2012, 11:18 am
People like kicking you down to make themselves feel better... we all here have been victims of it. They don't win unless they put you in a situation like you are in now.
As for the PTSD I recommend you sort through your thoughts and if necessary go to a therapist, that could continue to haunt you until then. Or is it the overthinking the problem?
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Sweetleaf
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Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 36
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Location: Somewhere in Colorado
05 Aug 2012, 1:03 pm
SanityTheorist wrote:
People like kicking you down to make themselves feel better... we all here have been victims of it. They don't win unless they put you in a situation like you are in now.
As for the PTSD I recommend you sort through your thoughts and if necessary go to a therapist, that could continue to haunt you until then. Or is it the overthinking the problem?
As for the PTSD I recommend you sort through your thoughts and if necessary go to a therapist, that could continue to haunt you until then. Or is it the overthinking the problem?
No its not overthinking it, it's PTSD....I have all of the symptoms and they've gotten worse. I also found out the worst thing to do with that sh**ty disorder is is try to ignore it and go about your life which I did for like 5 years. So its not likely its going to be cured...and I've already been to therapy since before the student getting shot at the school that I already described because I attempted suicide when I was 15....Oh yeah and then there was that fun incident that year to which I really don't want to go into but involved my 'friend' trying to set me up and cops and interrogation oh and having my room searched when they had no warrent and the confiscated journals I wrote my negative thoughts in to get them out because my therapist told me thats could help me some. So I guess they were a little bit freaked out by some of the things I had in there...luckily nothing came of it because they backed off when I got a public defender.
and currently I am listening to music to try and cancel out my mom and her boyfriend yelling at each other. I cannot help but think most 22 year olds don't have to deal with that.
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06 Aug 2012, 1:19 am
Toy_Soldier wrote:
marshall wrote:
The harder part is knowing what exactly this "Life" is that you supposedly have to "go out and get".
If you consider birds, like say the experience of a Sparrow or Robin from beginning to end, it is fairly simple, but still a good model. It's basically the same with people. Questioning the purpose or utility of life is kinda over-thinking.
What I'm saying is it's really hard for me to find motivation in some vague nebulous concept that has no concrete meaning to me. To me the term "Life" is so open ended that it takes an inordinate mental effort to even fathom. If I'm in a depressed state of mind I tend to not be able to clearly imagine a positive and emotionally rewarding outcome, so I'm much better of focusing on something more concrete and immediate. If you're a simple unthinking animal life is mostly going to be a combination of instinctual routine and serendipitous experience. Animals are not forced to plan their life. Survival is moment to moment and there is no need to worry about some vague future that may ultimately prove meaningless anyways. Yet us humans are forced to constantly worry about the future consequences of our current decisions, like the consequences of taking on enormous debt to attempt to get a degree that may or may not actually lead to anything useful. So it's easy to see why someone could get completely paralyzed just thinking of what to do next when their past efforts have been mostly dead ends, and so being told to "grab life by the horns" is more likely to trigger dread than anything positive emotionally. When I'm given something vague and open-ended and I'm already feeling depressed, my depressive mind is only going to come up with a lot of negative and unpleasant possibilities to fill in the blank spaces. Just having very specific concrete goals that I can take on one at a time gives less room for negative rumination and makes life a whole lot easier.
06 Aug 2012, 9:05 pm
Sweetleaf wrote:
marshall wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Well it does make sense......but what happens if I cannot handle the stress, I mean the more I push myself the more dysfunctional I seem to get. I mean obviously I cannot just do nothing, but I feel its better to try and make sure I don't get to overwhelmed with stress.
Do you know if it's the thing itself that's so overwhelming or if it's the anxiety leading up to making the decision that's overwhelming? The thing is sometimes it might be that the only way out is through and you're subjecting yourself to even more stress by second guessing yourself and then beating yourself up afterwards.
Probably a combination of both.
Okay. I'm sorry for kind of going off topic in my last post.
I think the best thing to do is try to figure out how to just take one or two important steps with a minimal amount of thinking. If you have to make a phone call to follow up and make an appointment, just set a time you're going to do it and then tell yourself you're not allowed to think about it at all until that time comes. Listen to music, browse the internet, talk to a friend or relative about something interesting and enjoyable. I think the very idea that you have to "push yourself" is counterproductive because it's subtly telling yourself you have to be more anxious not less. For someone where the only thing stopping them from following through is laziness, putting pressure on themselves might be helpful. But if it's anxiety symptoms that's stopping you from functioning, putting more pressure on yourself in the form of anxiety is the worst thing you can do. I know it's probably impossible to eliminate emotional symptoms while you're directly in a situation that causes stress or triggers PTSD, but it might help you function better if you can just find a way to limit the duration.
The most important thing is to not be so hard on yourself and judge yourself based on what people say. I think half the time people can come off as harsh and critical even when they had no intention of causing more hurt. They're projecting their own frustration and anxiety of not knowing what to do or how to help. That and people like your mother have their own insecurities and guilt about themselves that cause them to become harsh and defensive rather than giving you the unconditional support you really need. That's why I think it's really important for you to follow through in getting some kind of professional therapist, if only to have a person you can trust for advice. A good one will at least be trained in knowing the right and wrong things to say, as long as you let them know up front what your needs are. That you don't want to pressured into taking medications or being made to feel you aren't the one "in the driver seat" with regard to your choices.
Sweetleaf
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Posts: 35,278
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07 Aug 2012, 2:26 pm
marshall wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
marshall wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Well it does make sense......but what happens if I cannot handle the stress, I mean the more I push myself the more dysfunctional I seem to get. I mean obviously I cannot just do nothing, but I feel its better to try and make sure I don't get to overwhelmed with stress.
Do you know if it's the thing itself that's so overwhelming or if it's the anxiety leading up to making the decision that's overwhelming? The thing is sometimes it might be that the only way out is through and you're subjecting yourself to even more stress by second guessing yourself and then beating yourself up afterwards.
Probably a combination of both.
Okay. I'm sorry for kind of going off topic in my last post.
I think the best thing to do is try to figure out how to just take one or two important steps with a minimal amount of thinking. If you have to make a phone call to follow up and make an appointment, just set a time you're going to do it and then tell yourself you're not allowed to think about it at all until that time comes. Listen to music, browse the internet, talk to a friend or relative about something interesting and enjoyable. I think the very idea that you have to "push yourself" is counterproductive because it's subtly telling yourself you have to be more anxious not less. For someone where the only thing stopping them from following through is laziness, putting pressure on themselves might be helpful. But if it's anxiety symptoms that's stopping you from functioning, putting more pressure on yourself in the form of anxiety is the worst thing you can do. I know it's probably impossible to eliminate emotional symptoms while you're directly in a situation that causes stress or triggers PTSD, but it might help you function better if you can just find a way to limit the duration.
If only it was that simple, but I cannot just say 'oh I'm not going to think about it.' because then I think about not thinking about it and end up thinking about it even more. I mean I would like to be able to turn it off and have some quiet but no.....it will remain on the back of my mind the entire time. And I agree I don't see how pushing myself into more situations that cause unbearable anxiety is really going to help me improve on anything.
The most important thing is to not be so hard on yourself and judge yourself based on what people say. I think half the time people can come off as harsh and critical even when they had no intention of causing more hurt. They're projecting their own frustration and anxiety of not knowing what to do or how to help. That and people like your mother have their own insecurities and guilt about themselves that cause them to become harsh and defensive rather than giving you the unconditional support you really need. That's why I think it's really important for you to follow through in getting some kind of professional therapist, if only to have a person you can trust for advice. A good one will at least be trained in knowing the right and wrong things to say, as long as you let them know up front what your needs are. That you don't want to pressured into taking medications or being made to feel you aren't the one "in the driver seat" with regard to your choices.
I try not to be so hard on myself.......but I guess I kind of fail at that, and I really don't know that a professional therapist would do much good I am honestly more interested in the diagnoses and SSI I mean for one therapy costs money I don't have so I kind of would need to have a way of having money before I can really go to a therapist anyways. Also someone I have to pay to talk to does not really feel to me like someone I can really truly trust I guess they just cant be there the way someone who actually cares can.
My mom offered to help pay but I really don't want to rely on her because its like she uses it to try and make me feel like I owe more than I'm doing or something.
I mean to be totally honest I am getting really fed up you know...I mean maybe it sounds like I am blaming this all on everyone else but I blame myself to.......I hate that I cant live up to anyones freaking standards, I hate that I cannot just have an open honest relationship with my mom without putting any help from her and my shelter(her house) in jeopardy because she'll get pissed off if I actually tell her what has gone on in my life, what goes on my life and what goes on in my head. I'm probably already f***d financially over college loans I cannot pay back, a stupid 400 dollar fee for leaving the dorms early my second year of college that i couldn't and still cannot afford to pay that.
But yeah it seems like there are more reasons to find a valid way of offing myself than not to......but I already failed at that and the last thing I need is another suicide attempt so my family can be pissed at me for trying again. Well honestly things have only gotten worse since the last time I attempted..........I wont still trying to cling to the idea that maybe in the end it will be worth continuing to live but I doubt it. Even so I guess its easier to say I want to end it than to actually do it. But the pain never ends so its hard not to feel like I'd be better off dead.
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Tis the time to melt the Ice.
07 Aug 2012, 6:46 pm
Quote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
marshall wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
marshall wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Well it does make sense......but what happens if I cannot handle the stress, I mean the more I push myself the more dysfunctional I seem to get. I mean obviously I cannot just do nothing, but I feel its better to try and make sure I don't get to overwhelmed with stress.
Do you know if it's the thing itself that's so overwhelming or if it's the anxiety leading up to making the decision that's overwhelming? The thing is sometimes it might be that the only way out is through and you're subjecting yourself to even more stress by second guessing yourself and then beating yourself up afterwards.
Probably a combination of both.
Okay. I'm sorry for kind of going off topic in my last post.
I think the best thing to do is try to figure out how to just take one or two important steps with a minimal amount of thinking. If you have to make a phone call to follow up and make an appointment, just set a time you're going to do it and then tell yourself you're not allowed to think about it at all until that time comes. Listen to music, browse the internet, talk to a friend or relative about something interesting and enjoyable. I think the very idea that you have to "push yourself" is counterproductive because it's subtly telling yourself you have to be more anxious not less. For someone where the only thing stopping them from following through is laziness, putting pressure on themselves might be helpful. But if it's anxiety symptoms that's stopping you from functioning, putting more pressure on yourself in the form of anxiety is the worst thing you can do. I know it's probably impossible to eliminate emotional symptoms while you're directly in a situation that causes stress or triggers PTSD, but it might help you function better if you can just find a way to limit the duration.
If only it was that simple, but I cannot just say 'oh I'm not going to think about it.' because then I think about not thinking about it and end up thinking about it even more. I mean I would like to be able to turn it off and have some quiet but no.....it will remain on the back of my mind the entire time. And I agree I don't see how pushing myself into more situations that cause unbearable anxiety is really going to help me improve on anything.
The idea isn't to tell yourself not to think about it. It's to distract yourself with other things that don't cause anxiety. The worst thing is to worry about doing things that cause anxiety to the point where you're always thinking about them and then feel guilty and depressed when you don't follow through. I'm just talking about time-limited things here, like making a phone call to follow up on an appointment. It's sort of like tearing off a band-aid, the more you anticipate the pain, the more you hesitate to pull it quickly, the more it hurts, the less likely you are to be able to pull it completely off. The idea is to just set a small goal, get it over with as quickly as possible, and then reward yourself with more enjoyable things. I don't mean to be trite because I know it's easier said than done. But if you ever get yourself an appointment you might be able to get a prescription for Xanax you could use just once in a while when you have to do something that triggers anxiety. I think sometimes all you need is the experience of being able to get through something without experiencing unbearable anxiety, and when it turns out not being as horrific as you imagined, it becomes easier the next time without even needing to take a pill. The thing is you need a positive (or at least less horrific than you anticipated) experience to reset your brain wiring in a way, yet sometimes the only way to get to any positive experience is to take a risk of a possible negative experience or setback. It's not about ignoring your problems or symptoms, pretending they don't exist, or telling yourself you just have to "man up" or whatever. All that crap is counterproductive and doesn't work for people with real issues. It's more about finding ways to cope so you can make small progress, without making negative judgements about yourself over your limitations
Quote:
Quote:
The most important thing is to not be so hard on yourself and judge yourself based on what people say. I think half the time people can come off as harsh and critical even when they had no intention of causing more hurt. They're projecting their own frustration and anxiety of not knowing what to do or how to help. That and people like your mother have their own insecurities and guilt about themselves that cause them to become harsh and defensive rather than giving you the unconditional support you really need. That's why I think it's really important for you to follow through in getting some kind of professional therapist, if only to have a person you can trust for advice. A good one will at least be trained in knowing the right and wrong things to say, as long as you let them know up front what your needs are. That you don't want to pressured into taking medications or being made to feel you aren't the one "in the driver seat" with regard to your choices.
I try not to be so hard on myself.......but I guess I kind of fail at that, and I really don't know that a professional therapist would do much good I am honestly more interested in the diagnoses and SSI I mean for one therapy costs money I don't have so I kind of would need to have a way of having money before I can really go to a therapist anyways. Also someone I have to pay to talk to does not really feel to me like someone I can really truly trust I guess they just cant be there the way someone who actually cares can.
My mom offered to help pay but I really don't want to rely on her because its like she uses it to try and make me feel like I owe more than I'm doing or something.
You don't know for sure it won't do any good. In the past you were probably a lot less mature than you are now. The fact that you're an adult means a professional therapist can probably have a better relationship with you. You won't be treated like a child because you're no longer one.
Also, it seems ironic, but sometimes someone who cares too much is less helpful to talk to when it comes to psychological issues. With a professional you're not burdening them with your problems and they aren't going to get upset themselves, act frustrated, or say stupid unhelpful things to you. It's their job to listen and help you problem solve. I mean, sure it's a job and they're using it to make a living for themselves, but it isn't like their only motivation is to take patients' money. If that's all they wanted they'd probably choose a different profession.
Even if you get a bill, if you can't pay it you can't pay it. On top of the debt you already have it doesn't really matter. If you're mom wants to pay it she can do it, but you shouldn't feel like you owe her something. Families are supposed to help each other out. If you can just get one appointment you can be up front about your financial situation and at least inquire about the options. You can also say that you're primarily interested in getting documentation to help with getting on SSI and medicaid first thing because you'll need it to pay for anything.
Quote:
I mean to be totally honest I am getting really fed up you know...I mean maybe it sounds like I am blaming this all on everyone else but I blame myself to.......I hate that I cant live up to anyones freaking standards, I hate that I cannot just have an open honest relationship with my mom without putting any help from her and my shelter(her house) in jeopardy because she'll get pissed off if I actually tell her what has gone on in my life, what goes on my life and what goes on in my head. I'm probably already f***d financially over college loans I cannot pay back, a stupid 400 dollar fee for leaving the dorms early my second year of college that i couldn't and still cannot afford to pay that.
Then f**k their standards. Seriously. Despite all your mental health issues you're an extremely intelligent, caring, and sensitive person. You've never thought to intentionally harm anyone and you didn't choose to be born or to have the struggles you do. Your family should just be glad they didn't get some a**hole as their daughter.
Quote:
But yeah it seems like there are more reasons to find a valid way of offing myself than not to......but I already failed at that and the last thing I need is another suicide attempt so my family can be pissed at me for trying again. Well honestly things have only gotten worse since the last time I attempted..........I wont still trying to cling to the idea that maybe in the end it will be worth continuing to live but I doubt it. Even so I guess its easier to say I want to end it than to actually do it. But the pain never ends so its hard not to feel like I'd be better off dead.
I'm sorry to hear that. Even if you did ever decide to end you're life I would respect that decision. Even if tragic, there's nothing fundamentally wrong IMO with a desire to rest in peace if it's just a means to end the pain. I really think you deserve much better than that though.
Sweetleaf
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Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,278
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07 Aug 2012, 7:20 pm
marshall wrote:
Quote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
marshall wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
marshall wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Well it does make sense......but what happens if I cannot handle the stress, I mean the more I push myself the more dysfunctional I seem to get. I mean obviously I cannot just do nothing, but I feel its better to try and make sure I don't get to overwhelmed with stress.
Do you know if it's the thing itself that's so overwhelming or if it's the anxiety leading up to making the decision that's overwhelming? The thing is sometimes it might be that the only way out is through and you're subjecting yourself to even more stress by second guessing yourself and then beating yourself up afterwards.
Probably a combination of both.
Okay. I'm sorry for kind of going off topic in my last post.
I think the best thing to do is try to figure out how to just take one or two important steps with a minimal amount of thinking. If you have to make a phone call to follow up and make an appointment, just set a time you're going to do it and then tell yourself you're not allowed to think about it at all until that time comes. Listen to music, browse the internet, talk to a friend or relative about something interesting and enjoyable. I think the very idea that you have to "push yourself" is counterproductive because it's subtly telling yourself you have to be more anxious not less. For someone where the only thing stopping them from following through is laziness, putting pressure on themselves might be helpful. But if it's anxiety symptoms that's stopping you from functioning, putting more pressure on yourself in the form of anxiety is the worst thing you can do. I know it's probably impossible to eliminate emotional symptoms while you're directly in a situation that causes stress or triggers PTSD, but it might help you function better if you can just find a way to limit the duration.
If only it was that simple, but I cannot just say 'oh I'm not going to think about it.' because then I think about not thinking about it and end up thinking about it even more. I mean I would like to be able to turn it off and have some quiet but no.....it will remain on the back of my mind the entire time. And I agree I don't see how pushing myself into more situations that cause unbearable anxiety is really going to help me improve on anything.
The idea isn't to tell yourself not to think about it. It's to distract yourself with other things that don't cause anxiety. The worst thing is to worry about doing things that cause anxiety to the point where you're always thinking about them and then feel guilty and depressed when you don't follow through. I'm just talking about time-limited things here, like making a phone call to follow up on an appointment. It's sort of like tearing off a band-aid, the more you anticipate the pain, the more you hesitate to pull it quickly, the more it hurts, the less likely you are to be able to pull it completely off. The idea is to just set a small goal, get it over with as quickly as possible, and then reward yourself with more enjoyable things. I don't mean to be trite because I know it's easier said than done. But if you ever get yourself an appointment you might be able to get a prescription for Xanax you could use just once in a while when you have to do something that triggers anxiety. I think sometimes all you need is the experience of being able to get through something without experiencing unbearable anxiety, and when it turns out not being as horrific as you imagined, it becomes easier the next time without even needing to take a pill. The thing is you need a positive (or at least less horrific than you anticipated) experience to reset your brain wiring in a way, yet sometimes the only way to get to any positive experience is to take a risk of a possible negative experience or setback. It's not about ignoring your problems or symptoms, pretending they don't exist, or telling yourself you just have to "man up" or whatever. All that crap is counterproductive and doesn't work for people with real issues. It's more about finding ways to cope so you can make small progress, without making negative judgements about yourself over your limitations
Well I smoke pot whenever I can get some(hell I almost want to just give that up and go for some opiates because those really kill the pain at least for a while).....so I don't know if a doctor would even want to prescribe me anything. Also typically when I do build up the motivation to go and do something my fears are typically reinforced. Like for going to the one mental health place I was afraid of rude office workers..........so I show up to try and get a walk in like they say they have when you call and of course I was worried about having to deal with a rude person at the office and guess what I did and she was just as rude if not ruder than I expected. It doesen't help when I finally build up the guts to do something and my fears about it are just reinforced.
Quote:
Quote:
The most important thing is to not be so hard on yourself and judge yourself based on what people say. I think half the time people can come off as harsh and critical even when they had no intention of causing more hurt. They're projecting their own frustration and anxiety of not knowing what to do or how to help. That and people like your mother have their own insecurities and guilt about themselves that cause them to become harsh and defensive rather than giving you the unconditional support you really need. That's why I think it's really important for you to follow through in getting some kind of professional therapist, if only to have a person you can trust for advice. A good one will at least be trained in knowing the right and wrong things to say, as long as you let them know up front what your needs are. That you don't want to pressured into taking medications or being made to feel you aren't the one "in the driver seat" with regard to your choices.
I try not to be so hard on myself.......but I guess I kind of fail at that, and I really don't know that a professional therapist would do much good I am honestly more interested in the diagnoses and SSI I mean for one therapy costs money I don't have so I kind of would need to have a way of having money before I can really go to a therapist anyways. Also someone I have to pay to talk to does not really feel to me like someone I can really truly trust I guess they just cant be there the way someone who actually cares can.
My mom offered to help pay but I really don't want to rely on her because its like she uses it to try and make me feel like I owe more than I'm doing or something.
You don't know for sure it won't do any good. In the past you were probably a lot less mature than you are now. The fact that you're an adult means a professional therapist can probably have a better relationship with you. You won't be treated like a child because you're no longer one.
Yeah but even so it comes down to having to pay someone to talk to me. If I don't have money to pay they don't care end of story.
Also, it seems ironic, but sometimes someone who cares too much is less helpful to talk to when it comes to psychological issues. With a professional you're not burdening them with your problems and they aren't going to get upset themselves, act frustrated, or say stupid unhelpful things to you. It's their job to listen and help you problem solve. I mean, sure it's a job and they're using it to make a living for themselves, but it isn't like their only motivation is to take patients' money. If that's all they wanted they'd probably choose a different profession.
Exactly it's their job........I mean yeah they can talk to me for their paycheck....if i don't get better they still get paid with my money.
Even if you get a bill, if you can't pay it you can't pay it. On top of the debt you already have it doesn't really matter. If you're mom wants to pay it she can do it, but you shouldn't feel like you owe her something. Families are supposed to help each other out. If you can just get one appointment you can be up front about your financial situation and at least inquire about the options. You can also say that you're primarily interested in getting documentation to help with getting on SSI and medicaid first thing because you'll need it to pay for anything.
Well yeah it would be easier if I had money of my own and SSI seems to be the only way to get it........aside from illegal means.
Quote:
I mean to be totally honest I am getting really fed up you know...I mean maybe it sounds like I am blaming this all on everyone else but I blame myself to.......I hate that I cant live up to anyones freaking standards, I hate that I cannot just have an open honest relationship with my mom without putting any help from her and my shelter(her house) in jeopardy because she'll get pissed off if I actually tell her what has gone on in my life, what goes on my life and what goes on in my head. I'm probably already f***d financially over college loans I cannot pay back, a stupid 400 dollar fee for leaving the dorms early my second year of college that i couldn't and still cannot afford to pay that.
Then f**k their standards. Seriously. Despite all your mental health issues you're an extremely intelligent, caring, and sensitive person. You've never thought to intentionally harm anyone and you didn't choose to be born or to have the struggles you do. Your family should just be glad they didn't get some a**hole as their daughter.
Well they are about to.......I mean seriously I have been fantasizing about shooting up heroin just to kill the f*****g pain not that I know where to get any and since I've never injected myself with anything I could easily fail, but if I did I probably would even though I realize that would be a terrible idea.
Quote:
But yeah it seems like there are more reasons to find a valid way of offing myself than not to......but I already failed at that and the last thing I need is another suicide attempt so my family can be pissed at me for trying again. Well honestly things have only gotten worse since the last time I attempted..........I wont still trying to cling to the idea that maybe in the end it will be worth continuing to live but I doubt it. Even so I guess its easier to say I want to end it than to actually do it. But the pain never ends so its hard not to feel like I'd be better off dead.
I'm sorry to hear that. Even if you did ever decide to end you're life I would respect that decision. Even if tragic, there's nothing fundamentally wrong IMO with a desire to rest in peace if it's just a means to end the pain. I really think you deserve much better than that though.
Yeah I suppose it's just all so frustrating I just don't know how to handle it I guess.
_________________
Tis the time to melt the Ice.
07 Aug 2012, 8:48 pm
- Weed and alcohol are short-term stress relievers, but leave me more stressed out in the end
- Friends, exercise, healthy foods, video games, staying organized and new learning experiences are the best de-stressors I find
If you can't get motivated let your mom pay for a therapist to help get you motivated, particularly a cognitive behavioral therapist. Or you can see a psychiatrist and get meds. Either or both will help shake you out of the rut you are in.
Sweetleaf
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Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,278
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
07 Aug 2012, 10:02 pm
Gnonymouse wrote:
- Weed and alcohol are short-term stress relievers, but leave me more stressed out in the end
- Friends, exercise, healthy foods, video games, staying organized and new learning experiences are the best de-stressors I find
If you can't get motivated let youror a therapist to help get you motivated, particularly a cognitive behavioral therapist. Or you can see a psychiatrist and get meds. Either or both will help shake you out of the rut you are in.
- Friends, exercise, healthy foods, video games, staying organized and new learning experiences are the best de-stressors I find
If you can't get motivated let youror a therapist to help get you motivated, particularly a cognitive behavioral therapist. Or you can see a psychiatrist and get meds. Either or both will help shake you out of the rut you are in.
What for?....If I really wanted to I could probably find any useful drug through other means than a prescription. And I feel all a cognitive behavioral therapist will do is tell me all I'm doing wrong...well I get enough of that from people in my family, in life in general and from my own mind
_________________
Tis the time to melt the Ice.
07 Aug 2012, 10:55 pm
Sweetleaf wrote:
What for?....If I really wanted to I could probably find any useful drug through other means than a prescription. And I feel all a cognitive behavioral therapist will do is tell me all I'm doing wrong...well I get enough of that from people in my family, in life in general and from my own mind
Can't ignore your own mind forever. Maybe you should consider listening? What've you got to lose? Sounds like every day is just suffering anyway, so there isn't much use in being afraid of difficulty. Looks like that's a constant whether you're in stasis or not.
I don't know ... I know it's not easy ... actually right now I just feel like dumping all my responsibilities and retreating from the world and all obligations myself, but I've learned it's something you have to fight ... that urge is a sickness ... being engaged in the world is not a bad thing at all, once you get going. The best parts of my life are times when I was. It doesn't just happen, either. That urge to just crawl under a rock, if you indulge it too much, if it's all you indulge, you just end up miserable and dysfunctional and then it takes so much more effort to crawl back out.
But I still do believe your brother can just walk home, unless you live in some really dangerous area. I'm just talking in general. You say you're worried your life consists of obligations to others but you don't seem to have any at all, so I don't understand. Obligations panic me too because I'm afraid of being a disappointment, which I often am, but, c'est la vie, you know? There's nowhere to run from life, not really, it just seems like there is.
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,278
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
08 Aug 2012, 9:09 am
edgewaters wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
What for?....If I really wanted to I could probably find any useful drug through other means than a prescription. And I feel all a cognitive behavioral therapist will do is tell me all I'm doing wrong...well I get enough of that from people in my family, in life in general and from my own mind
Can't ignore your own mind forever. Maybe you should consider listening? What've you got to lose? Sounds like every day is just suffering anyway, so there isn't much use in being afraid of difficulty. Looks like that's a constant whether you're in stasis or not.
I don't really have the option to ignore my mind considering it constantly bombards me with crap.....either I am on edge worrying about what could happen, thinking about bad memories, thinking the bad things I worry about might as well happen, I think of all the things I did or am doing wrong or think I must be doing wrong because I feel like no matter how hard I try I'll fail only to have people continue never taking me seriously(and maybe they shouldn't). Then of course there are the various symptoms of the various disorders that aren't exactly thoughts. Such as extreme adrenaline/survival mode if I get triggered and its very hard not to just destroy everything in whatever room I might be in or if I'm outside whatever in my path. It takes everything I have to hold back and then half the time I still at least hit something, I haven't hit anyone but I have come close more than I'd like to. Or maybe I experience it as more of a panic attack or both, it varies. There is no escape I mean the one thing that kind of sucks about every drug is they are all temporary even the ones they might prescribe.....so in reality there is still no escape from my mind or any of the rest of it other then death but depending on what happens when you die there still might be no escape.
Also I am not afraid of difficulty...I actually experience real anxiety/panic that prevents me from being able to do some things at some times. I also don't really trust people at all anymore so I tend to get a little bit paranoid of their intentions which I'll end up obsessing over till I freak myself out too much about it. Like if I feel uncomfortable talking to a therapist I might start worrying that they are looking for any reason to involuntarily commit me and then that I'd have prozac or something forced on me and I guess my mind gets a little carried away with it and then I'm actually worried about it.Or it might be something less severe like just general worries that people in general would look down on me, dislike me or otherwise have an issue with me. Its not like I think to myself 'oh that might be hard.' I have to do lots of things that are hard or difficult but it gets depressing having to face extreme feelings of anxiety just to do anything involving people or lots of stress and sometimes the anxiety is just too much so it prevents me. If I could ignore my mind maybe I would have better functioning abilities since there would be less bombardment of all of what I just described most of the time.....its very distracting.
I don't know ... I know it's not easy ... actually right now I just feel like dumping all my responsibilities and retreating from the world and all obligations myself, but I've learned it's something you have to fight ... that urge is a sickness ... being engaged in the world is not a bad thing at all, once you get going. The best parts of my life are times when I was. It doesn't just happen, either. That urge to just crawl under a rock, if you indulge it too much, if it's all you indulge, you just end up miserable and dysfunctional and then it takes so much more effort to crawl back out.
I end miserable and dysfunctional either way it seems.
But I still do believe your brother can just walk home, unless you live in some really dangerous area. I'm just talking in general. You say you're worried your life consists of obligations to others but you don't seem to have any at all, so I don't understand. Obligations panic me too because I'm afraid of being a disappointment, which I often am, but, c'est la vie, you know? There's nowhere to run from life, not really, it just seems like there is.
I already mentioned it but I am going to try to get on SSI even though Id rather find part time work due to even though I have no problem with things like SSI not sure how certain people in the family would actually feel about it or people in general...I guess I am a little worried about negative reactions to that but I'd rather deal with that then losing it on a job and doing damage to the work place or at worst the employees. Thing is I still have to be officially diagnosed which is kind of difficult since I need to find more resources since the one didn't work out and then I have to try and apply and basically its a lot of paper work and stress. Yeah maybe most people could do more than that at once but I guess I'm not most people that is my obligation for now because I need income for myself.
My mom chose to have a child so she is obligated to take care of him, let my dad take over if he is able but shes not willing to give up custody I don't think, she could hire someone, she could ask other family members or have him walk home and occupy himself for a few hours....I really don't think the kid would mind being alone for a while then he could pretty much do whatever without having people criticize it and I know he'd be careful so he could continue having that freedom. I don't really care what he does if Im the only one there so long as its not going to hurt anything.
And I am not sure where you get the impression I think there is any way to run from life aside from death......that's kind of been clear to me for a while. I mean like I've said I don't mind helping out when I am available to, but I need to get my life together not worry about trying to be someone for my mom to 'depend' on if she breaks up with her boyfriend I mean I don't really care what anyone here thinks about this but I am not cool with that and that was her words.
_________________
Tis the time to melt the Ice.
08 Aug 2012, 11:37 am
Sweetleaf wrote:
Well I smoke pot whenever I can get some(hell I almost want to just give that up and go for some opiates because those really kill the pain at least for a while).....so I don't know if a doctor would even want to prescribe me anything. Also typically when I do build up the motivation to go and do something my fears are typically reinforced. Like for going to the one mental health place I was afraid of rude office workers..........so I show up to try and get a walk in like they say they have when you call and of course I was worried about having to deal with a rude person at the office and guess what I did and she was just as rude if not ruder than I expected. It doesen't help when I finally build up the guts to do something and my fears about it are just reinforced.
You don't know that a doctor wouldn't want to prescribe you anything. I also doubt all your fears are reinforced every single time. A single rude office worker is just a pimple on the butt of humanity. I'd say if you had a xanax you could just take one at that point to get past the associated negative feeling. The real negative thing that got reinforced is the fact that this single insignificant encounter stopped you from following through.
Obviously with pot you can't just quickly and discretely pop a pill, so I think having a prescription is worthwhile. Also, I wouldn't normally advocate doing something illegal, but if you really have to you can probably find a way to buy it without a prescription, at least temporarily until you can get one. The thing is, unlike pot or opiates, nobody will ever judge you as a having a "drug problem" for taking a xanax every once in a while when you need to get through something unpleasant. TONS of people take xanax so nobody would think anything of it.
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You don't know for sure it won't do any good. In the past you were probably a lot less mature than you are now. The fact that you're an adult means a professional therapist can probably have a better relationship with you. You won't be treated like a child because you're no longer one.
Yeah but even so it comes down to having to pay someone to talk to me. If I don't have money to pay they don't care end of story.
Yeah but even so it comes down to having to pay someone to talk to me. If I don't have money to pay they don't care end of story.
But I don't think this is a rational reason to distrust them. The fact that you have to pay has more to do with the US having a f****d up backwards healthcare system. I mean, doctors need to collect income from some source to live on, but it's also considered part of the medical ethic not to refuse treatment.
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Also, it seems ironic, but sometimes someone who cares too much is less helpful to talk to when it comes to psychological issues. With a professional you're not burdening them with your problems and they aren't going to get upset themselves, act frustrated, or say stupid unhelpful things to you. It's their job to listen and help you problem solve. I mean, sure it's a job and they're using it to make a living for themselves, but it isn't like their only motivation is to take patients' money. If that's all they wanted they'd probably choose a different profession.
Exactly it's their job........I mean yeah they can talk to me for their paycheck....if i don't get better they still get paid with my money.
Exactly it's their job........I mean yeah they can talk to me for their paycheck....if i don't get better they still get paid with my money.
But the thing is, even if you think any kind of "talk therapy" is a complete useless waste, you need to build some kind of relationship with a professional person to get the documentation you'll need if you ever want to get on SSI, medicaid, or have anxiety medication to help you cope. Therefore it's kind of pointless to make excuses not to even try and get an appointment. Also, if you have trust issues you can be upfront about it and they will try to work through that.
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Then f**k their standards. Seriously. Despite all your mental health issues you're an extremely intelligent, caring, and sensitive person. You've never thought to intentionally harm anyone and you didn't choose to be born or to have the struggles you do. Your family should just be glad they didn't get some a**hole as their daughter.
Well they are about to.......I mean seriously I have been fantasizing about shooting up heroin just to kill the f*****g pain not that I know where to get any and since I've never injected myself with anything I could easily fail, but if I did I probably would even though I realize that would be a terrible idea.
I'm sorry to hear that. Even if you did ever decide to end you're life I would respect that decision. Even if tragic, there's nothing fundamentally wrong IMO with a desire to rest in peace if it's just a means to end the pain. I really think you deserve much better than that though.
Well they are about to.......I mean seriously I have been fantasizing about shooting up heroin just to kill the f*****g pain not that I know where to get any and since I've never injected myself with anything I could easily fail, but if I did I probably would even though I realize that would be a terrible idea.
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But yeah it seems like there are more reasons to find a valid way of offing myself than not to......but I already failed at that and the last thing I need is another suicide attempt so my family can be pissed at me for trying again. Well honestly things have only gotten worse since the last time I attempted..........I wont still trying to cling to the idea that maybe in the end it will be worth continuing to live but I doubt it. Even so I guess its easier to say I want to end it than to actually do it. But the pain never ends so its hard not to feel like I'd be better off dead.
I'm sorry to hear that. Even if you did ever decide to end you're life I would respect that decision. Even if tragic, there's nothing fundamentally wrong IMO with a desire to rest in peace if it's just a means to end the pain. I really think you deserve much better than that though.
Yeah I suppose it's just all so frustrating I just don't know how to handle it I guess.
Yea. I'm sorry life sucks so much for you right now. I think everyone just needs a hug and to be told they are a good person once in a while. It's sad the people closest to you don't know how to give you that kind of unconditional acceptance once in a while in a way that you can trust that they are sincere about it. I don't really know what else to say.
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,278
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
08 Aug 2012, 12:52 pm
marshall wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Well I smoke pot whenever I can get some(hell I almost want to just give that up and go for some opiates because those really kill the pain at least for a while).....so I don't know if a doctor would even want to prescribe me anything. Also typically when I do build up the motivation to go and do something my fears are typically reinforced. Like for going to the one mental health place I was afraid of rude office workers..........so I show up to try and get a walk in like they say they have when you call and of course I was worried about having to deal with a rude person at the office and guess what I did and she was just as rude if not ruder than I expected. It doesen't help when I finally build up the guts to do something and my fears about it are just reinforced.
You don't know that a doctor wouldn't want to prescribe you anything. I also doubt all your fears are reinforced every single time. A single rude office worker is just a pimple on the butt of humanity. I'd say if you had a xanax you could just take one at that point to get past the associated negative feeling. The real negative thing that got reinforced is the fact that this single insignificant encounter stopped you from following through.
Well no offense but they were not insignificant encounters to me...and caused very real anxiety that got in the way of me following through because I couldn't bring myself to do so. It was reinforced by being worse than I expected in the first place after I had spent so long trying to convince myself it would be alright and that even if they were rude I'd be ok......but then of course they were rude and I still cannot get over it so I have to go find somewhere else and try again.
I guess I don't know if they would prescribe me anything or not.
Obviously with pot you can't just quickly and discretely pop a pill, so I think having a prescription is worthwhile. Also, I wouldn't normally advocate doing something illegal, but if you really have to you can probably find a way to buy it without a prescription, at least temporarily until you can get one. The thing is, unlike pot or opiates, nobody will ever judge you as a having a "drug problem" for taking a xanax every once in a while when you need to get through something unpleasant. TONS of people take xanax so nobody would think anything of it.
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You don't know for sure it won't do any good. In the past you were probably a lot less mature than you are now. The fact that you're an adult means a professional therapist can probably have a better relationship with you. You won't be treated like a child because you're no longer one.
Yeah but even so it comes down to having to pay someone to talk to me. If I don't have money to pay they don't care end of story.
Yeah but even so it comes down to having to pay someone to talk to me. If I don't have money to pay they don't care end of story.
But I don't think this is a rational reason to distrust them. The fact that you have to pay has more to do with the US having a f**** up backwards healthcare system. I mean, doctors need to collect income from some source to live on, but it's also considered part of the medical ethic not to refuse treatment.
I guess it more feels isolating to have to pay someone to try to talk to you, like no one else will bother so someone has to pick up the slack. But other then that since I don't have an income I either have to burden my mom with the costs, ask my dad for more money or try and see if anyone else in my family will help with it. So yeah I can't really afford to go to regular therapy until I figure out income which is why I want to get on SSI but then of course I need some sort of diagnoses before I should bother with that. Its all overwhelming and I don't even know how to deal with the various people I'll have to interact with or all the paper work and such....and I don't really have anyone who can help...so yeah its very easy for the anxiety to take over till its too overwhelming and I have a very hard time getting past it to do things.
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Also, it seems ironic, but sometimes someone who cares too much is less helpful to talk to when it comes to psychological issues. With a professional you're not burdening them with your problems and they aren't going to get upset themselves, act frustrated, or say stupid unhelpful things to you. It's their job to listen and help you problem solve. I mean, sure it's a job and they're using it to make a living for themselves, but it isn't like their only motivation is to take patients' money. If that's all they wanted they'd probably choose a different profession.
Exactly it's their job........I mean yeah they can talk to me for their paycheck....if i don't get better they still get paid with my money.
Exactly it's their job........I mean yeah they can talk to me for their paycheck....if i don't get better they still get paid with my money.
But the thing is, even if you think any kind of "talk therapy" is a complete useless waste, you need to build some kind of relationship with a professional person to get the documentation you'll need if you ever want to get on SSI, medicaid, or have anxiety medication to help you cope. Therefore it's kind of pointless to make excuses not to even try and get an appointment. Also, if you have trust issues you can be upfront about it and they will try to work through that.
Well yeah and I do plan to try but I think I need more than a therapist, since most therapists are not licensed to diagnose or anything. I was going to a therapist this past year before I dropped out of college and that was an issue I ran into I tried applying for SSI but he couldn't provide enough documentation so I got denied.......maybe being in college didn't help. So this time around I wont have that going for me but an official diagnoses asap would be more helpful then regular therapy at this moment...that way I can get on the SSI so I can afford it.
Also I am not making excuses to not even try to get an appointment, I went to an intake appointment after that whole incident with the rude secretary and that didn't really make me feel much better about that particular mental health place, kind of just increased my anxieties about it like they didn't want to give me much informatiaon at all up front...made me uncomfortable so i ended up feeling to anxious about it to make myself follow through. But yeah Its bad enough that I can't just ignore it and push through things anyways....without people constantly accusing me of not trying hard enough or telling me I'm just making excuses. Usually if I bring my mom with she just makes things worse and makes me feel embarrassed but I don't know who else would go with me to try and help me navigate. But yeah maybe it sounds stupid but things like rude secritaries, feeling unsure of what to say and being afraid of making an idiot of myself can really set me back so if someone would come and help me through that so I don't get too anxious or frustrated and leave it would help....and well my mom typically just gets irritated with me and takes it personally like I am acting some way towards her and she says kind of hurtful things when that happens not to mention it makes me kind of edgy being around her when trying to deal with personal things.
Also she ends up trying to take over and speak for me the entire time which just makes me feel left out and stupid, I mean I just could use support or something not someone making me feel like I'm mentally ret*d or something as that just adds to my anxiety of being looked down on.
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Then f**k their standards. Seriously. Despite all your mental health issues you're an extremely intelligent, caring, and sensitive person. You've never thought to intentionally harm anyone and you didn't choose to be born or to have the struggles you do. Your family should just be glad they didn't get some a**hole as their daughter.
Well they are about to.......I mean seriously I have been fantasizing about shooting up heroin just to kill the f*****g pain not that I know where to get any and since I've never injected myself with anything I could easily fail, but if I did I probably would even though I realize that would be a terrible idea.
I'm sorry to hear that. Even if you did ever decide to end you're life I would respect that decision. Even if tragic, there's nothing fundamentally wrong IMO with a desire to rest in peace if it's just a means to end the pain. I really think you deserve much better than that though.
Well they are about to.......I mean seriously I have been fantasizing about shooting up heroin just to kill the f*****g pain not that I know where to get any and since I've never injected myself with anything I could easily fail, but if I did I probably would even though I realize that would be a terrible idea.
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But yeah it seems like there are more reasons to find a valid way of offing myself than not to......but I already failed at that and the last thing I need is another suicide attempt so my family can be pissed at me for trying again. Well honestly things have only gotten worse since the last time I attempted..........I wont still trying to cling to the idea that maybe in the end it will be worth continuing to live but I doubt it. Even so I guess its easier to say I want to end it than to actually do it. But the pain never ends so its hard not to feel like I'd be better off dead.
I'm sorry to hear that. Even if you did ever decide to end you're life I would respect that decision. Even if tragic, there's nothing fundamentally wrong IMO with a desire to rest in peace if it's just a means to end the pain. I really think you deserve much better than that though.
Yeah I suppose it's just all so frustrating I just don't know how to handle it I guess.
Yea. I'm sorry life sucks so much for you right now. I think everyone just needs a hug and to be told they are a good person once in a while. It's sad the people closest to you don't know how to give you that kind of unconditional acceptance once in a while in a way that you can trust that they are sincere about it. I don't really know what else to say.
And yeah I can't expect people to know quite what to say, but yeah I won't do anything extreme......I guess things just feel way to overwhelming at times so its hard not to consider extreme measures. If I could just get on the SSI for a bit I feel like maybe things could at least become a little more stable so I could go from there but even getting to that point that seems nearly impossible. And I just hope I can keep it together long enough for that to work out, but if not I guess on the bright side if I end up in a psych ward due to a stress induced mental breakdown that might speed up the SSI process a bit.
_________________
Tis the time to melt the Ice.
08 Aug 2012, 1:52 pm
I know that feeling, but I tend to associate it with school and trying to find a job in this economy. I've had self-motivational and self-discipline issues with school since I started middle school. And now I'd be in my junior or senior year of college, if I was still attending one. I also look 5-7 years younger than I really am, and being short doesn't help that impression, either.
_________________
It takes a village to raise an idiot, but it only takes one idiot to raze a village.
08 Aug 2012, 6:37 pm
Sweetleaf wrote:
marshall wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Well I smoke pot whenever I can get some(hell I almost want to just give that up and go for some opiates because those really kill the pain at least for a while).....so I don't know if a doctor would even want to prescribe me anything. Also typically when I do build up the motivation to go and do something my fears are typically reinforced. Like for going to the one mental health place I was afraid of rude office workers..........so I show up to try and get a walk in like they say they have when you call and of course I was worried about having to deal with a rude person at the office and guess what I did and she was just as rude if not ruder than I expected. It doesen't help when I finally build up the guts to do something and my fears about it are just reinforced.
You don't know that a doctor wouldn't want to prescribe you anything. I also doubt all your fears are reinforced every single time. A single rude office worker is just a pimple on the butt of humanity. I'd say if you had a xanax you could just take one at that point to get past the associated negative feeling. The real negative thing that got reinforced is the fact that this single insignificant encounter stopped you from following through.
Well no offense but they were not insignificant encounters to me...and caused very real anxiety that got in the way of me following through because I couldn't bring myself to do so. It was reinforced by being worse than I expected in the first place after I had spent so long trying to convince myself it would be alright and that even if they were rude I'd be ok......but then of course they were rude and I still cannot get over it so I have to go find somewhere else and try again.
I'm not offended and I wasn't trying to offend you. I didn't want to imply that the anxiety you feel is insignificant or try to invalidate your experience. I mean, I'm not a person in any position to judge you as I have some of the same problems, maybe not exactly the same, but it's not like I'm completely clueless or something or trying to talk down to you in some way. I was just trying to suggest a strategy to cope so it doesn't have to be as significant as it was. I also realize it's probably more than just the rudeness that made you feel awful, maybe it reminded you of a past experience or just gave off a bad unwelcome aura about the whole place. If it was that bad maybe you should find somewhere else, but it's also possible that things aren't what they seem.
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[b]I guess it more feels isolating to have to pay someone to try to talk to you, like no one else will bother so someone has to pick up the slack. But other then that since I don't have an income I either have to burden my mom with the costs, ask my dad for more money or try and see if anyone else in my family will help with it. So yeah I can't really afford to go to regular therapy until I figure out income which is why I want to get on SSI but then of course I need some sort of diagnoses before I should bother with that. Its all overwhelming and I don't even know how to deal with the various people I'll have to interact with or all the paper work and such....and I don't really have anyone who can help...so yeah its very easy for the anxiety to take over till its too overwhelming and I have a very hard time getting past it to do things.
I don't think you have to see it like that. It isn't like they are going to be a substitute for a close friend or relative, but at the same time good ones do care, are legally required keep things confidential, can get you the proper documentation to get SSI and medicaid, can prescribe you medication to deal with anxiety, and might have some useful advice. I really think you just have to take things one step at a time. Just trying to get some anxiety medication might be the first step. It doesn't necessarily mean you have to give up pot completely if that's what you're worried about. It's just that you can't just smoke pot out in public when you're having an anxiety attack which renders it pretty useless in terms of helping you cope with things right in the moment.
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Well yeah and I do plan to try but I think I need more than a therapist, since most therapists are not licensed to diagnose or anything. I was going to a therapist this past year before I dropped out of college and that was an issue I ran into I tried applying for SSI but he couldn't provide enough documentation so I got denied.......maybe being in college didn't help. So this time around I wont have that going for me but an official diagnoses asap would be more helpful then regular therapy at this moment...that way I can get on the SSI so I can afford it.
Also I am not making excuses to not even try to get an appointment, I went to an intake appointment after that whole incident with the rude secretary and that didn't really make me feel much better about that particular mental health place, kind of just increased my anxieties about it like they didn't want to give me much informatiaon at all up front...made me uncomfortable so i ended up feeling to anxious about it to make myself follow through. But yeah Its bad enough that I can't just ignore it and push through things anyways....without people constantly accusing me of not trying hard enough or telling me I'm just making excuses. Usually if I bring my mom with she just makes things worse and makes me feel embarrassed but I don't know who else would go with me to try and help me navigate. But yeah maybe it sounds stupid but things like rude secritaries, feeling unsure of what to say and being afraid of making an idiot of myself can really set me back so if someone would come and help me through that so I don't get too anxious or frustrated and leave it would help....and well my mom typically just gets irritated with me and takes it personally like I am acting some way towards her and she says kind of hurtful things when that happens not to mention it makes me kind of edgy being around her when trying to deal with personal things.
Also she ends up trying to take over and speak for me the entire time which just makes me feel left out and stupid, I mean I just could use support or something not someone making me feel like I'm mentally ret*d or something as that just adds to my anxiety of being looked down on.
Also I am not making excuses to not even try to get an appointment, I went to an intake appointment after that whole incident with the rude secretary and that didn't really make me feel much better about that particular mental health place, kind of just increased my anxieties about it like they didn't want to give me much informatiaon at all up front...made me uncomfortable so i ended up feeling to anxious about it to make myself follow through. But yeah Its bad enough that I can't just ignore it and push through things anyways....without people constantly accusing me of not trying hard enough or telling me I'm just making excuses. Usually if I bring my mom with she just makes things worse and makes me feel embarrassed but I don't know who else would go with me to try and help me navigate. But yeah maybe it sounds stupid but things like rude secritaries, feeling unsure of what to say and being afraid of making an idiot of myself can really set me back so if someone would come and help me through that so I don't get too anxious or frustrated and leave it would help....and well my mom typically just gets irritated with me and takes it personally like I am acting some way towards her and she says kind of hurtful things when that happens not to mention it makes me kind of edgy being around her when trying to deal with personal things.
Also she ends up trying to take over and speak for me the entire time which just makes me feel left out and stupid, I mean I just could use support or something not someone making me feel like I'm mentally ret*d or something as that just adds to my anxiety of being looked down on.
I understand that. My father occasionally makes me feel that way and I can get really bitter towards him over it.
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And yeah I can't expect people to know quite what to say, but yeah I won't do anything extreme......I guess things just feel way to overwhelming at times so its hard not to consider extreme measures. If I could just get on the SSI for a bit I feel like maybe things could at least become a little more stable so I could go from there but even getting to that point that seems nearly impossible. And I just hope I can keep it together long enough for that to work out, but if not I guess on the bright side if I end up in a psych ward due to a stress induced mental breakdown that might speed up the SSI process a bit.
I understand. I hope you can figure something out so that it doesn't come to that. A psych ward might just be more traumatizing. Especially if it's a place where they have to deal with a lot of psychotic patients. That kind of environment just isn't very dignifying. If it's a place purely for depression it might not be so bad though.
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,278
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
08 Aug 2012, 6:47 pm
marshall wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
marshall wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Well I smoke pot whenever I can get some(hell I almost want to just give that up and go for some opiates because those really kill the pain at least for a while).....so I don't know if a doctor would even want to prescribe me anything. Also typically when I do build up the motivation to go and do something my fears are typically reinforced. Like for going to the one mental health place I was afraid of rude office workers..........so I show up to try and get a walk in like they say they have when you call and of course I was worried about having to deal with a rude person at the office and guess what I did and she was just as rude if not ruder than I expected. It doesen't help when I finally build up the guts to do something and my fears about it are just reinforced.
You don't know that a doctor wouldn't want to prescribe you anything. I also doubt all your fears are reinforced every single time. A single rude office worker is just a pimple on the butt of humanity. I'd say if you had a xanax you could just take one at that point to get past the associated negative feeling. The real negative thing that got reinforced is the fact that this single insignificant encounter stopped you from following through.
Well no offense but they were not insignificant encounters to me...and caused very real anxiety that got in the way of me following through because I couldn't bring myself to do so. It was reinforced by being worse than I expected in the first place after I had spent so long trying to convince myself it would be alright and that even if they were rude I'd be ok......but then of course they were rude and I still cannot get over it so I have to go find somewhere else and try again.
I'm not offended and I wasn't trying to offend you. I didn't want to imply that the anxiety you feel is insignificant or try to invalidate your experience. I mean, I'm not a person in any position to judge you as I have some of the same problems, maybe not exactly the same, but it's not like I'm completely clueless or something or trying to talk down to you in some way. I was just trying to suggest a strategy to cope so it doesn't have to be as significant as it was. I also realize it's probably more than just the rudeness that made you feel awful, maybe it reminded you of a past experience or just gave off a bad unwelcome aura about the whole place. If it was that bad maybe you should find somewhere else, but it's also possible that things aren't what they seem.
[b]That makes sense, and it is possible it was more in my head than real.....but even so the feelings of discomfort and anxiety about the whole place are still very real, so even so I still probably have to look into other resources besides that place. I mean regardless of how much of it was actually what it seemed and how much wasn't that experience still kinda ruined it for me.
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I guess it more feels isolating to have to pay someone to try to talk to you, like no one else will bother so someone has to pick up the slack. But other then that since I don't have an income I either have to burden my mom with the costs, ask my dad for more money or try and see if anyone else in my family will help with it. So yeah I can't really afford to go to regular therapy until I figure out income which is why I want to get on SSI but then of course I need some sort of diagnoses before I should bother with that. Its all overwhelming and I don't even know how to deal with the various people I'll have to interact with or all the paper work and such....and I don't really have anyone who can help...so yeah its very easy for the anxiety to take over till its too overwhelming and I have a very hard time getting past it to do things.
I don't think you have to see it like that. It isn't like they are going to be a substitute for a close friend or relative, but at the same time good ones do care, are legally required keep things confidential, can get you the proper documentation to get SSI and medicaid, can prescribe you medication to deal with anxiety, and might have some useful advice. I really think you just have to take things one step at a time. Just trying to get some anxiety medication might be the first step. It doesn't necessarily mean you have to give up pot completely if that's what you're worried about. It's just that you can't just smoke pot out in public when you're having an anxiety attack which renders it pretty useless in terms of helping you cope with things right in the moment.
A therapist can do all that? because I was under the impression they cannot diagnose or prescribe medications...so I'd have to talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist, probably a psychiatrist since not all psychologists can prescribe anything though they can give a diagnoses. But yeah I am not totally opposed to the idea, and the doctor in Minnesota who prescribed me prozac last year didn't seem to care about the weed or that I was drinking pretty much every day.
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Well yeah and I do plan to try but I think I need more than a therapist, since most therapists are not licensed to diagnose or anything. I was going to a therapist this past year before I dropped out of college and that was an issue I ran into I tried applying for SSI but he couldn't provide enough documentation so I got denied.......maybe being in college didn't help. So this time around I wont have that going for me but an official diagnoses asap would be more helpful then regular therapy at this moment...that way I can get on the SSI so I can afford it.
Also I am not making excuses to not even try to get an appointment, I went to an intake appointment after that whole incident with the rude secretary and that didn't really make me feel much better about that particular mental health place, kind of just increased my anxieties about it like they didn't want to give me much informatiaon at all up front...made me uncomfortable so i ended up feeling to anxious about it to make myself follow through. But yeah Its bad enough that I can't just ignore it and push through things anyways....without people constantly accusing me of not trying hard enough or telling me I'm just making excuses. Usually if I bring my mom with she just makes things worse and makes me feel embarrassed but I don't know who else would go with me to try and help me navigate. But yeah maybe it sounds stupid but things like rude secritaries, feeling unsure of what to say and being afraid of making an idiot of myself can really set me back so if someone would come and help me through that so I don't get too anxious or frustrated and leave it would help....and well my mom typically just gets irritated with me and takes it personally like I am acting some way towards her and she says kind of hurtful things when that happens not to mention it makes me kind of edgy being around her when trying to deal with personal things.
Also she ends up trying to take over and speak for me the entire time which just makes me feel left out and stupid, I mean I just could use support or something not someone making me feel like I'm mentally ret*d or something as that just adds to my anxiety of being looked down on.
Also I am not making excuses to not even try to get an appointment, I went to an intake appointment after that whole incident with the rude secretary and that didn't really make me feel much better about that particular mental health place, kind of just increased my anxieties about it like they didn't want to give me much informatiaon at all up front...made me uncomfortable so i ended up feeling to anxious about it to make myself follow through. But yeah Its bad enough that I can't just ignore it and push through things anyways....without people constantly accusing me of not trying hard enough or telling me I'm just making excuses. Usually if I bring my mom with she just makes things worse and makes me feel embarrassed but I don't know who else would go with me to try and help me navigate. But yeah maybe it sounds stupid but things like rude secritaries, feeling unsure of what to say and being afraid of making an idiot of myself can really set me back so if someone would come and help me through that so I don't get too anxious or frustrated and leave it would help....and well my mom typically just gets irritated with me and takes it personally like I am acting some way towards her and she says kind of hurtful things when that happens not to mention it makes me kind of edgy being around her when trying to deal with personal things.
Also she ends up trying to take over and speak for me the entire time which just makes me feel left out and stupid, I mean I just could use support or something not someone making me feel like I'm mentally ret*d or something as that just adds to my anxiety of being looked down on.
I understand that. My father occasionally make me feel that way and I can get really bitter towards him over it.
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And yeah I can't expect people to know quite what to say, but yeah I won't do anything extreme......I guess things just feel way to overwhelming at times so its hard not to consider extreme measures. If I could just get on the SSI for a bit I feel like maybe things could at least become a little more stable so I could go from there but even getting to that point that seems nearly impossible. And I just hope I can keep it together long enough for that to work out, but if not I guess on the bright side if I end up in a psych ward due to a stress induced mental breakdown that might speed up the SSI process a bit.
I understand. I hope you can figure something out so that it doesn't come to that. A psych ward might just be more traumatizing. Especially if it's a place where they have to deal with a lot of psychotic patients. That kind of environment just isn't very dignifying. If it's a place purely for depression it might not be so bad though.
Well I don't think a place purely for depression would be the best fit for me either...I mean I have anxiety and PTSD to. But yeah I guess all I can do is try...and get on SSI, It would also help if I could get a friend or family member other than my mom to help me with the process. I mean other then what I already said about my moms 'help' it's also kind of limited to when she has spare time which doesn't always match up with when I am feeling alright enough to go out and do things that need done. But I don't know maybe I can figure something out.
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