I was going to say something like this yesterday. I typed it up on the train but something went wrong. What I was going to say was;
L_Holmes wrote:
RetroGamer87 wrote:
L_Holmes wrote:
But nobody wants to talk to me, in the past I've tried talking and I get shut down because people don't believe me.
Well you got a step further than I did. I've tried to talk to people about my problems but I just couldn't. I can type about them but I can't explain them very well in meatspace because it's too hard to break my habit of pretending to be happy. It's sort of like a mental defense mechanism I can't deactivate when I'm in meatspace.
Honestly, this is most of my problem. I
can't talk to people. When I try it comes out wrong, and so they think I sound like I'm lying or being stupid, and they won't just stop and think about what I'm saying.
Yeah, I've tried to talk about stuff like that to psychologists and I just can't say it. I can think it or write it. These negative thoughts, when I try to say them out loud some of them sound ridiculous (maybe that means they are, maybe I'm wrong when I think them) and some of them sound shameful. Forever alone? I would be twice blamed. The first time for allowing it to happen and the second time for acknowledging it. Better to pretend to be happy, pretend I like it that way, pretend I didn't even notice the problem.
RetroGamer87 wrote:
L_Holmes wrote:
It's not that I think life has no meaning. But mine doesn't. I'm sick of going through the motions and pretending that some day I'll find a reason.
And yet maybe you will. Who knows what the future holds for you. Sometimes depression can lessen overtime as the conditions that caused it abate. It can lessen but it's hard to for it to go away completely once you've gotten into the habit of thinking negative thoughts. Still an improvement though.
I'm not as depressed as I used to be, but I am still suicidal. If I had a gun right now, I would be seriously considering ending my life tonight. If I had
any sure way to kill myself, I would have very little keeping me from just doing it. I decided a while ago that I wouldn't do it if there was too high of a chance of survival. I do not want anyone intervening.[/quote]
Well, I guess it's at least good you have a reason not to attempt suicide, even if it's a morbid reason. I was similar a few months ago. I'm getting gradually less depressed but I'm still nowhere near 100%. But still, if you're now less depressed than you were a few months ago, does that mean in a few months you could be less depressed than you are now?
I think in someways, depression can be reduced by practical means. Take practical steps to eliminate some of the problems that are making you depressed. I was depressed about my job. I quit. Than I was depressed about being unemployed. I got another job. Does this job make me depressed? Well... not directly. The job itself is pretty good. It's good for me to get out of the house and be around other people. I don't mind being with other people on principle but... the more people I encounter the more people I have to compare myself against and I never win those comparisons. That sort of thing accounts for some of my negative thoughts.
In some ways I feel like I'm an imposter. These other people go to work because they need money to live. I go to work because I just like the idea of having a job. I already had enough money to live. Does that make my labours less noble because they're not necessary? Sometimes it seems that way.
RetroGamer87 wrote:
L_Holmes wrote:
People ask, "How are you?", but they don't actually care how I'm doing. They don't care about me at all.
Are you sure? Depression can play tricks on your mind. It can make you think things that aren't true. It can make you think everyone hates you when they don't.
I'm not sure. But I never understand what's going on in other people's heads. I figure if they cared about me they would listen to me. And they wouldn't make me feel like I'm a failure. That hardly seems like a caring thing to do.[/quote]
Hey, there are times when I don't even understand what's going on in my own head. Sometimes I think my brain is trying to trick me, like it has an ulterior motive I don't know about.
21 Nov 2014, 2:35 am
