I'm such a f**k up

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Would you mind telling us what they said at the psych hospital? Did they offer any suggestions or help?

They didn't say much at all apart from that all my problems (health, social, legal etc) are long term problems. So a crisis admission wouldn't help as all my problems will still be there when I get out. They didn't offer any suggestions but were "pleased" I engaged as per my legal conditions. And then I went home. Basically a waste of time that, if anything, left me feeling even more worthless.

Okay, so you told them about your plans for suicide and they just stated that your problems were long term, and they couldn’t help you? Did they somehow think your plans for suicide involved the process of aging slowly until you died?

Okay, sorry, I’m a little frustrated with them. And by a little, I mean a lot a lot a lot......

You see your social worker tomorrow? The one who you trust so much?

YellowBanana, were you able to tell the staff at the psych hospital explicitly that you were suicidal and at immediate risk? Did they then let you leave after you had told them about your plans?

Please do us a favor and post, YellowBannana....

Hello. I'm still alive.

I carried out my plan but it didn't work as fast as I'd hoped and I got agitated and left the hotel room to walk round the shopping centre to calm down. While I was walking I received two messages - one from my best friend telling me she was worried about me, and one from the Samaritans asking me how I was. I answered my friends message and eventually told her what I had done and she notified management of the shopping centre and called an ambulance. Security at the centre found me and took me to their first aid room.

At that point things got worse - there were no available ambulances so the police came instead to escort me hospital on blue lights. I am supposed to not get involved with police as part of deferred sentence so this made me panic terribly. Nevertheless, I managed to remain compliant and not cause any trouble. So hopefully this involvement won't be a problem - I'll need to talk to the CJSW about this when I next see her because even now, 24 hours later this is making me extremely anxious and agitated.

I was admitted to medical hospital where they have treated and monitored me. I spoke to the psychiatric liaison nurse this morning and he managed to persuade me to give things another go for a few weeks as my autism support has now increased from 3 to 10 hours per week, and my supported work placement - which was on hold due to the trouble I've been in - want me to try coming back at the start of April.

I am still in hospital as there are some concerns about my heart. But things are moving in the "right" direction and I should get home tomorrow. My cat will be wondering where I've gone.

Right now, I can't say I'm pleased to be alive, that help was given to me and as a consequence I didn't die. I still wish I was dead. But I agreed to give life another chance for a few weeks.

Thank you for posting, and more so for giving life another try.

This.

And being with the police under those circumstances, I am very sure, do not count.

Hope you don't mind me chirping in. I don't think you should put too much pressure on yourself, just take it one day at a time. Hopefully over time you will feel life is worth living again. I feel hopeful more often than I feel hopeless now, which makes the hopeless periods a bit easier to wade through than they used to be when the balance was more the other way. Good luck.

YellowBannana, I'm sure you just went through a great ordeal. Without going into too much detail (because I'm pretty sure I'd know what method you'd choose), a certain medical technique may have been performed on you (and in a public area, possibly). Basically I'm saying, I know you were put through the ringer. Still, I'm glad you're alive! I'm glad you've come to the conclusion that you're going to see things through, even if to see how things will settle down for the near term.

I hope you can make the best of your time in the hospital. Even if you are no doubt surrounded by some needing souls who might not be considered societies' most sound of mind, know that talking about your feelings and fears with a group of people can be healing. I hope you come out of there knowing that there was so much that wasn't your fault. So many things that happened outside of your control. And that sucks. But that doesn't mean you have to live the rest of your life shoveling up s**t either. People can "turn a corner", even later in life.

Besides, without you out there in the world, there will be one less young, beautiful women for the boys to whistle to as she walks by.....

I think we'd all like some updates on how things are going in the hospital, if possible. Not sure how much access you have to a computer or smart phone while you are there. Just know we are thinking about you, and certainly concerned. Heck, I'm not ashamed to admit I had some tears in my eyes while I wrote this....but I may or may not have been cutting onions.....you'll never know.

I spent last night at home in my own bed, my heart rhythm having returned to normal and the psych liaison nurse deciding I didn’t need to be transferred from medical hospital to psych hospital.

One of my autism support workers (I have 3 who share the job) visited me once I was home. She told me I looked terrible (thanks! Just what I needed to hear!), had empty eyes, didn’t seem like myself and that she couldn’t believe I wasn’t admitted to psych hospital.

I am by no means happy or relieved to be alive – when walking home I was having thoughts of walking in front of a vehicle. But given that I am still here, it is nice to be in my own bed and to spend time with my lovely cat, who was extremely pleased to see me after having been abandoned for a few days – he was the hardest thing to say goodbye to when I believed I wouldn’t be coming home ever. Two things I wouldn’t be able to do if I were in psych hospital. I have had several lengthy stays in psych hospital in the past and although they kept me safe, I’m not sure how helpful they were overall and I suspect this is why they are reluctant to admit me now even though I remain very clearly at risk.

My friend has told me on messenger several times that she is so pleased I eventually told her what I did, that she was able to help, and that because of this I am still alive. She says because of this, she has enough happy for both of us until I can find my happy. Which is sweet but feels like a lot of pressure just now. I have self harmed several times since I’ve been home, as it is a way to relieve the pressure I feel and the suicidal thoughts I am still experiencing.

I am still feeling anxious and scared about the fact that the police got involved. This is not likely to be relieved until I see the CJSW on Thursday, and right now I feel that even if she reassures me that it is not going to count against I’m not sure I’ll believe it. It really scared me, them showing up, because of the conditions of my deferred sentence – I was explicitly told that if I came back into police contact it would count against me at the sentencing.

I’m not sure how I’m going to occupy myself today, the suicidal ideation has already started again, but one of my support workers (my favourite one) is coming in at 15.30 for a couple of hours which will hopefully distract me for a bit.

The person who came to visit and states you looked terrible was just concerned. I'm sure you don't seem like your normal self (which you will begin to as you recover). Your circumstances haven't changed, so that's a good reason why you still feel similar. I wish there was a way to make changes immediately, but that will only occur over time.

I'm not sure the reasoning behind not admitting you do the psychiatric hospital. It's not that I wish the worst upon you, those are very hard places to be. On the other hand, staying in one, you'd still go home under the same circumstances anyway. The only difference is you get to go home earlier. When you get your visits, I hope you get the opportunity to talk about the pain you are experiencing. Talking helps.

I can totally understand your apprehension about the police. However, I don't think this "police involvement" is what they had in mind when they specified no police involvement. In this case, the police are just a part of the process of getting you to the hospital. Now, if you go and rob a liquor store, chances are they'll frown upon that.

Thanks for keeping us updated. We of course are greedy, and want more updates during this process. I know it's a long road, but things will improve. You'll have good things that happen, and you'll have challenges as well.

You’re a good person. It would be a great loss if you decide to forgo your life.

It just seems that way to me.

I saw one of my support workers, N, yesterday afternoon and this morning. N is trying to encourage me to talk more, but I find it hard and my experience is that when I do talk, people either don't listen or choose to misunderstand. Either that, or I'm not saying things right.

I'm still thinking a lot about suicide. I'm heading out to the cinema in a few minutes to try to distract myself. Thing is, I've seen almost everything that's on and I'm not sure I'm going to enjoy the film I'm going to! At least it'll get me out of my flat for a bit, and away from the things I use for self harm.

It's not the Mary Magdalene one is it, I've been warned that's quite depressing.

No, it was You Were Never Really Here. It was that good (!) that I fell asleep.

I find quite few films are THAT good.