My thoughts on this:
I relate very strongly to many things that have been said throughout this thread. I too had zero success at any kind of relationship for a very long time. I had a period where I lived on my own and felt intense loneliness with no social support of any kind, and I was afraid to reach out for help for fear of judgement or being labeled a Negative Nancy.
A relationship takes two things to form:
*Time, which you've no doubt spent a lot of
*A healthy mindset, which it seems to me has proven more elusive for you.
Feeling like you need a partner in your life to feel happy is a surefire way to guarantee that you either won't get one, or won't be happy when you do.
I was fortunate enough for a classmate to set me up with somebody, and that relationship lasted a year and a half, but it was a nightmare. She took advantage of my desperation and used that to get me to do close to 100% of the work in the relationship. All the travel, all the monetary expenditures, all the apologizing when things went wrong. It hurt me to do so, but when she dumped me and then asked me to come back, I said no.
I spent the time afterward committing to enjoying the single life. Relishing the emotional stability of never arguing, spending the extra cash I had on myself instead of a greedy girlfriend, and staying home with my parents instead of driving across town to see her once a week. I'd go for walks and rock out to my music, take a basketball to the courts down the street and shoot hoops until dark, and call up people I knew and ask what they were up to (even if I suspected I was annoying them).
If you follow a similar path, focus on yourself instead of the perception of others, I guarantee that you will be happy, partner or no. Do things because they're fun, not because you feel like you need to improve your skills, compete with yourself, or get approval from others. Forget the upvotes, forget the supportive comments, and just draw or compose or jam or whatever it is because it makes you happy.
This greater happiness that comes with doing these regularly over a long period of time will ultimately manifest as greater confidence and a better attitude, which in my opinion is absolutely critical in determining how attractive one is, both in terms of making ordinary friendships and in connecting with somebody special. Most people will gladly support a new friend or partner who's feeling down for a short time, but putting up with constant emotional drain at an early stage of any kind of relationship is a rare thing. If you're going to have something fulfilling and stable with anybody, being stable yourself is prerequisite. You can't take shortcuts or cheat your way around that. I'm sorry for being so direct, but it's something that's been known to behavioral researchers and psych professionals for decades.
If I get bogged down by the past or the future or faraway current events, I like to get what I call a "clear picture." What this means is that I first take a minute to notice my breathing. Just the sensation of air going in and out, producing alternating cold and warm sensations in my nose. I shift my attention to the rest of my body in sequence, noticing my body positioning, any physical sensations, little tensions in my muscles or joints or skin. I call this step a "body check."
Next comes noticing my surroundings. Anything I can see. Colors, shapes, objects, people, light sources, shadows, textures, anything detectable by the human eye. I also listen for various sounds coming from inside and outside. I try to list 5 of each in my mind. I inhale deeply and try to pick up ambient low-level odor, unique to each type of room or outdoor area, not describable but perceptible.
What these checks do is turn my attention away from anything that is not happening right now, and anything that is not happening in my immediate vicinity. If my attention is diverted from those things, I can't think about them, and suddenly the list of things I have to feel depressed or anxious about shortens a great deal. The picture is no longer cluttered, it's crisp, clear, and in focus, not to mention a lot more manageable. I can even do this while engaged in another task, say, at work or doing household chores.
It's at this point that I'm ready to shift my attention and return to the real world. A little calmer, and a little more ready to handle the things that life wants to throw my way.
Since you've expressed thoughts that maybe you don't want to live anymore, I very strongly suggest that you seek professional psychological/psychiatric support, if you haven't done so already. A good professional can help you see things more clearly, or through a more satisfying lens. They can help you drill down to the deepest levels of your thought process and help you challenge and defeat the most damaging and stressful thought patterns. They can offer their own personal experiences for perspective and suggest helpful strategies for self-care between appointments. They may also be able to point you in the direction of additional professional or social support.
I'm the new guy, I don't know anyone here, so it's possible (even likely) that this is all junk you've heard before, so you're free to ignore it if you want. But sometimes the perspective of an outsider can be valuable.
And if you're doing all of these things/know all these things already, give yourself some credit. You can take that as encouragement that you're on the right track and using sound strategies. You don't have to be discouraged just because things aren't going the way you want them to, sometimes somebody saying "you're handling this the right way" can be meaningful, even in the face of less-than-satisfactory results.
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My epitaph will read, "Dammit, I died! I want a do-over!"
15 Apr 2020, 5:34 pm
