Losing Hope

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Your case is extreme and very delicate. I am not the right person for that.

I quit; I bear no responsibility.

Good luck.

Because dealing with never having had a romantic partner despite wanting one for more than a decade is such a pervasive problem in my life that it makes nothing else seem worthwhile until I've successfully tackled it. Even if I enjoy individual experiences, that does little to compensate for the rampant discontentment I have with my life and love life, and at the end of the day, I'm still miserable.

Nothing else can fill the void created by perpetual romantic disappointment and failure. Especially when I can't escape reminders of love and romance.

That's fair.

I don't really expect a revolutionary answer on this thread, but one can dream.

In the past, us singletons would fret about this kind of stuff in solitude and hope (in all innocence) for benedictiction

"The Game" hadn't been devised/spelled out.

To me you come across as worthy.

Good luck.

TGI, would your life become worthless again if a potential relationship ended?

Straight up, you need professional help to heal enough before you could maintain a relationship.

No shame in needing help, I mean autism =social & communication challenges, some rigidity of thinking...
Check out online therapy, I dont think I could go back to the hassle of all that leaving the house entails for therapy now.

^ I agree with amity. I really understand you TGI. Not receiving nurturing in my childhood led to me needing to be grateful to anyone who gave me the time of day in adulthood, often even when they were abusive.

When dealing with life alone for long periods of time, I developed more self-love and found my strengths and also the acknowledgement that I don't need external validation as much, but I had to learn to value myself, improve my self-image and confidence. I am still working on it. Does that make sense? Is it the need to be loved that is consuming you TGI or the fear of being alone?

I'm glad you asked that, because I was going to talk about it, but didn't get around to it, and I think what I've said below is probably the most accurate way I've ever described it.

The way I see my situation, the problem isn't that I don't have a relationship right now in the present moment. If I'd had a more normal dating history, or maybe even negative experiences with relationships and dating that soured it for me altogether, I think I'd be about as ok being single as most people are. I very much doubt it would be a pervasive problem in my life to the extent that it is now.

The way I see it, there are two truths that make it so that being single is unbearable. If not for these truths, I think I'd be about as ok with being single as most people are, and those truths are:

1. I've never had a romantic relationship
2. It appears extremely unlikely that I'll be able to get a romantic relationship

For being single not to have such an adverse effect on my mental health, I believe both of the above truths would need to cease being true. At that point, I don't think being single would be such a big deal for me.

So to answer your question, if I exited that potential relationship and my odds of establishing another one seemed as low as they do now, I'd probably discount that one relationship as a fluke and being single would probably be a big deal again, though probably not quite as big a deal as it has been prior to getting my first relationship.

If I had good reason to believe that I wasn't going to struggle nearly as much getting my second relationship as I did my first, I suspect that being single would cease to be an issue unless/until I suffered a significant dry spell, and my chances of getting a relationship seemed as low as they do at the present moment.

Amity wrote:

Straight up, you need professional help to heal enough before you could maintain a relationship.

No shame in needing help, I mean autism =social & communication challenges, some rigidity of thinking...
Check out online therapy, I dont think I could go back to the hassle of all that leaving the house entails for therapy now.

I think professional help would probably be beneficial in the meantime, but I don't know that the issues I'm having would necessarily inhibit me from being able to maintain a relationship if I was to get one, especially given that just getting a relationship in and of itself would go a long way in helping to resolve some of those issues.

I'd still much prefer to establish a relationship with a therapist in person and move it to online from there if need be, rather than starting it all online.

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I received adequate nurturing in childhood from my mother. My problem has really been more along the lines of establishing connections with other people outside my family (especially romantically).

Teach51 wrote:

When dealing with life alone for long periods of time, I developed more self-love and found my strengths and also the acknowledgement that I don't need external validation as much, but I had to learn to value myself, improve my self-image and confidence. I am still working on it. Does that make sense?

To an extent. How did you develop more self-love and find your strengths? What kind of external validation did you formerly need but found you no longer do?

Teach51 wrote:

Is it the need to be loved that is consuming you TGI or the fear of being alone?

This is an interesting question.

I'll just specify that my answer to this question is specifically about romantic love, as that's what I'm lacking. In terms of family, the love I need from them is being received and I have a good relationship with my immediate family members.

That being said, both the need to be loved and the fear of being alone are factors, but the dominant of the two is the need to be loved. I want to experience genuine, authentic romantic love more than anything else in this world. I've wanted that more than anything for more than a decade, and it's been absolutely heartbreaking for that desire to have gone completely unmet for as long as I've had it.

Thanks for your honesty, it helps to know where you are coming from.
Ok so is this a double bind?

It wont be enough to change your trajectory if you have one brief but meaningful relationship, as the outcome remains ultimately the same.
This is as I feared.

Bad relationships can mess with a person's mental health, I swear to you, no relationship is better than a bad one. Nothing, or no one can hurt like someone you chose to love, especially those of us that wear our heart on our sleeve.

This double bind is something you can have control over, as you are setting the terms.
It reminds me of how I would set impossible NT standards for myself before I realised I was on the spectrum and afterwards too, it's taken years to soften just some of the conditioned self hatred and Ive only made significant progress in the last year through regular periods of psychotherapy.

Despite my self awareness it wasnt something I could do without professional help, positive self talk was deeply uncomfortable, almost alien and made me cringe for months. It wasnt the easy option that's for sure. It might sound like it, but I challenge anyone with self esteem/image issues to do it for 6 months and then tell me it's easy. It takes courage to look reality square in the eye and commit to self care.


Guarantee you they would, placing that much weight onto a relationship will cause it to crumble.
Ah but you would never say it to your loved one? You wouldn't need to, your actions would give you away right from the start. While a predatory narcissist would stay with you because they need a codependent, a regular person (if such a thing exists ) would likely see small inconsistencies in your words and actions and get that uneasy feeling. You can hide it? Not without it costing you your mental health!

One of the things I found (learned due to some bitter lessons from the past) attractive about my SO was how he respected himself, in a caring way. It indicated to me that he could care for me similarly.
Had he been full of negative self talk? I would have run a mile... it would have indicated to me that I could suffer his cruel words some day too, or perhaps my loved ones would be his focus as he apportioned blame to anyone else to hide his own shortcomings, to maintain the facade he built... Can you guess what type my ex was lol. Also that narc loved putting me in double bind situations, it have him his jollies I reckon.

Seize the day Mr Inquisitior, you have a lot of hard work to do if you want to alter the terms of that double bind you set for yourself.

I needed to be acknowledged, any kind of acknowledgement because I had a damaged sense of self, due to dysfunctional and often violent parenting. This led to a certain degree of promiscuity which is common in woman who have been abused in childhood. It's like a scream "notice me, I am here!" I still have severe CPTSD. Being alone demanded fighting for my survival following a grave personal situation, there came a point where I had to decide if I had the strength to live, I really didn't. Something awoke in me and I began to nurture myself for the first time, fight for my rights, respect myself for the first time. I discovered that I was worth fighting for. I began to value every little milestone and would speak to myself, soothe myself, encourage myself, foreign words to me, words never received. I found that I could be stronger, I started teaching business men, politicians and military attachees English as a foreign language . I lost my fear of men, I made friends with men for the first time and actually liked them, I found myself. I have had some good relationships with men since but I know that I would not be happy in a committed relationship. I enjoy volatile relationships because I was conditioned to equate emotional outbursts with the sense of home and family. My life is better outside relationships with men because I don't know how to navigate a good, healthy one. I have casual, long term relationships that keep me happy. I have learned to appreciate the modest life style I can provide for myself, I am happiest alone. Relationships don't necessarily "fix" everything or provide more fulfillment than we have alone, they can but it's not a constant.

Having experienced what it's like for males in the lower totem pole (which aspie males tend to occupy) I don't really share the optimism of some of the people here. I will say that you MUST keep yourself busy with productive hobbies and not look for a suitor directly. If she comes to you she will come to you, but constantly searching and not finding is pure torture. You can find a LOT of males in aspie forums who have been searching 30+ years their entire life and just finding nothing. This isn't right, and what the human race does to these people will be met by vengeance from above one day because humans are essentially devouring their own. Considering the circumstances I think the safest way is to simply not think about it and to work on productive hobbies that build character. If she enters into your life, then she'll enter into your life, but if not then you'd have spent the years building yourself into a worthwhile person.

But again, I will say it over and over again. With these males there is a BIG problem not often discussed that keeps them dependent on searching for a love life (which i am NOT accusing the OP). That is porn, you simply CANNOT focus on yourself when you're constantly training your mind to thirst for a suitor. It just cannot be done. This is the trap that most of them fall into that keeps them from crawling out and why advice "Just focus on yourself" falls on deaf ears most of the time. Once I stopped doing that it was MUCH easier to move on with my life. Though it was a struggle to let go which took about 2-3 years of constantly fighting temptation, but it was worth it since it gives clarity of mind and calm in focusing on productive hobbies. What I observe with these males is that no advice will work for as long as they continue to abuse themselves towards internet filth. The mind just becomes utterly hooked and dependant on attaching itself to a suitor through daily and chronic self abuse born out of loneliness. But this 'easy way out' isn't easy at all in the end. It completely shatters a male's motivation to do anything.

I don’t feel TGI is a “lower totem pole” person.....but I do believe focusing on other aspects of life other than romance.

At first glance, I seem to be a “lower totem pole” person—but, in actuality, I am not one.

Since you're that passionate about it, I'd recommend putting lots of effort in. You're already doing a lot for self improvment from what I've understood, which is great, but what about the part of actually searching for a girlfriend? You've said that you don't really meet women your age in your daily life; couldn't that be a big part of your problem?

I'd say that, once the isolation starts to lift, make it a point to change your daily life in a way that you could meet women your age. Go to bars, clubs, cafes, libraries. Start a new hobby, naturally one that you like but try to pick something that you'd expect to see women your age in, too. Maybe take some classes on an interesting subject, the same thing applying to that as does to hobbies. Ask your friends/relatives/close enough co-workers if they could arrange you a blind date or if they could simply introduce you to someone they know that you could be interested in.

In the meantime, how about online dating? I don't remember if you're one of the people who think it's a waste of time, but since having a relationship is a matter of life and death for you, you should keep trying that, too. The worst that can happen (as long as you don't get careless) is that you get rejected, the best that you get a great relationship that lasts a lifetime. At the very least, you could get a little experience.

Practice practice practice! The more you try, the higher your chances. I get it that many people are afraid of rejection but, again, if this is really a matter of life and death for you, the idea of getting rejected should be a lesser evil for you, so do not keep yourself from making a move due to the fear of rejection.

I don’t recommend putting lots of effort into it. I tried that. It was an exercise in futility.

The solution that worked for me was forgetting about the pursuit, and concentrating on enriching myself in other ways.

That's my way of doing things for as well, but I don't think it's the best solution for someone who's so sure they'll kill themselves if they don't get a relationship.

Any advice regarding the softcore type? It seems like sex appeal is all over the media and makes it both frustrating and practically impossible to avoid.