I feel like a terrible person and a disgrace to WP. Goodbye

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Your insights are always worth reading even though you don't post them as often as I'd like.

I have actually felt like I’ve been doing well here lately, at least. Just didn’t feel like I did in that particular post. Thank you for confirming it

But I didn’t mean to turn this into a praise-d&d thread

That's fair. That topic absolutely deserves a thread devoted to it.
(although I try to refrain from making one to avoid putting you on the spot)

I wish Salad would come back and reclaim his thread

Seriously....diversions like this is what makes WrongPlanet such a great Site.

If you're talking about who I think you're talking about, they replied directly to you and said that you weren't the reason they were upset.

I'm getting a lot of people showing me support and trying to mollify my regret and guilt, and I appreciate the outpouring of support, but to me leaving here is much more than this slip up. Since coming here I've felt like I haven't belonged here because my fiery and headstrong personality conflicts with almost everyone here and I dont know how to make friends or have a good time here as much as I try. I feel like that one bellicose drifter that cant seem to find his niche or place, but is always clashing with everyone. The mistake I made recently and the harm it has caused was just the final straw. Long before this incident I was feeling like im not fit for this place, this forum, or anywhere.

I'm too broken and messed up by scars of war, suicide and pain to be like everyone else here. No one here can relate to me and I cant relate to anyone here. Everyone here is so naturally good at conversing with others, making friends, and having fun, and me, all I know how to do is win fights which doesnt contribute to this forum.

With the exception of AprilR ive made no other friend on this forum and I dont think I ever will because im not someone who others can befriend. Even my fiancee will one day leave me when she sees the real me. All that toughness, weightlifting records, and even fighting, all of that cant mask what's at the core a broken vessel

There I said. Im a fraud. Im a coward. You want to know the truth?? I kept talking about my fiancee and my engagement and how happy I was because I didnt want to confront the reality that deep inside im broken inside and no amount of good news in my life seems to erase these scars. My cousin and best friend's suicide. My trauma and fear of Israeli soldiers after they killed family members and nearly killed me in Palestine. My near death beating which I lied about and said a gang did when in reality it was a single person. Even when I was on vacation I kept blanking out time to time and thinking of the Israeli soldiers who almost killed me, or the gang member that almost killed me, or the injury that almost killed me and destroyed my body.

To all the people who were jealous of me or felt upset by my engagement, well here's news to you: Im not doing well. Not one bit. If you think this engagement is somehow my life being a heaven of bliss you're mistaken. I thought love and comfort with someone who loves me would fix me, that it would erase all these scars. The truth is im just as broken now as I felt a week ago. The truth is at the end of the day however much I wish I was better, however much I want to be doing better, and however much I want this engagement to be the beginning of happiness, im damn afraid that she will leave me, that she's blinded and fell in love with a fraud, and that ill never be able to erase these scars no matter how hard I try

You wanted me back well here's my response. Im afraid damn it and I dont know what to do

You're doing it.

Get it off your mind and onto paper/this forum. Just get it out for the sake of getting it out, let others read, digest, respond w/ support or advice, coping mechanisms, or just something pleasant or funny to distract you from a difficult reality and give you a moment of peaceful presence as you smile or laugh at whatever silliness was shared from half a world away by someone connected to this wrong planet in the same wrong ways you are.

It's something, at least.. better than nothing, and until you have something better, perhaps the best thing you can do.

There are people here who are every bit as fiery as you are.

I’m not the fiery type….oh well

I used to lift weights at one time. No martial arts, though. I’ve done 3 marathons.

My impression is that your moods vary greatly. If you don’t give up, and get a handle on it, you will do better. That’s my feeling.

It is a rare person, to me, who can’t get “fixed.”

Think about your attributes, as well as what you criticize yourself for.

Thanks for posting salad.

I agree with Goldfish. You've taken the first step, and you know you're safe enough here to take a few more.

I'm scared too. Obviously my reasons aren't the same, but I have complex Trauma which farks me up and kind of controls my life. This place has been my haven through my ups and downs, my trials and errors. I hope it can be yours too. Getting it out, getting it on paper, putting your thoughts in sequence and reflecting on them .... it's all therapeutic. You're blessed to be friends with April, and many others sincerely want you around as well.

You're welcome to play a word game or joke around with me any time you want something light and silly. It takes some getting used to but it can be fun and ease the burden of a bad day.

You were a weightlifter? What were your stats if you dont mind me asking.

You should try martial arts, its not only about physical prowess but about mental discipline. Kung Fu Panda (yes, that Kung Fu Panda, the one voiced by Jack Black) taught me that the art of Kung Fu is comprised of 5 pillars of wisdom: patience, courage, confidence, discipline and compassion. It is the truest form of holistic evolution there is abundant benefits to its tenets and teachings.

I want to be fixed but I dont know the solution. Do I travel to Palestine and confront my fear of Israeli soldiers? Do I save another person, and you know who im referring to, do I try to save him from suicide to atone for me failing to save my cousin? And is it even possible to erase these scars?

As for my moods a lot of it comes from inner rage, anger and torment at feeling powerless. Powerless to stop my father from abusing me and my mom, powerless to save my cousin from suicide, powerless as a Palestinian whose people are under Israeli occupation and shot down like flies, and right now feeling powerless to protect my fiancee from anything bad happening to her. And also powerless to save someone I want to save that you know who im talking about kraftie. there's so much I cant control yet I want to, especially now that there's someone in my life I love and want to protect, and I feel scared and powerless that ill lose her to powerlessness just as I lost almost everything else in my life because I wasn't strong enough to protect those things most valuable to me.

All of this is weighing heavily on me and causing me stress and panic. After a lifetime of loss I finally found love and something precious, and thats the source of all this pain, confronting the possibility of losing that and being empty again.

Goldfish was right, getting all of this out was therapeutic. And it helps to have people here like you to support me during this breakdown since im hiding all of this from. my fiancee because I dont want to worry her. I want her to see me as the strong support that she can rely on, and that is why ive been hiding everything im going through from her for her sake

It takes immense courage to share what you've shared with me and I thank you for trusting me and being open with me since it gives me inspiration to push forward given your strength, and it also shows me that im not alone. so thank you

I dont honestly know how to joke or have fun. I try to but I dont. this trip with my fiancee so far was my 1st attempt at light talk and being fun and while I did alright, I felt like I was a nervous wreck trying hard to be fun to talk with even though im unsure what to say. ive taken it upon myself to force myself to watch American TV shows to teach me the finer arts of small talk and playful humor, and so far im still learning this esoteric art that im struggling to master. Maybe the kind and pleasant people here on this forum can teach me how to talk and not be a misfit

It was good to get that all out and once again im very thankful for the advice given here on this forum. I think ive reached the point in my life where im done being stubborn and will seek out a therapist. ive been against therapists my whole life, many of them are trash, almost all of the ones I saw in the past were donkey feces, however no amount of exercise, cold showers, healthy eating or even chakra meditation seems to be enough to overcome this pain and trauma. ive balked my whole life at seeing a therapist because being from a culture of fighters and warriors it's considered unmanly and weak to seek out a therapist, with my father once belting me across the face for crying and my uncle telling me that only "degenerate Kuffar (Muslims use that word for non-Muslims, which translates to infidels) are in need of therapy or Western treatment". I lived with the pride that im built different and dont need a therapist since 99% of Palestinians never seek out therapy despite living in a war zone, but I dont think its sustainable to go on without a therapist. Starting this week once my vacation is over im looking for a therapist to help me since I dont want my fiancee to be burdened with my mental baggage especially when she has her own PTSD to deal with being the survivor of a village being wiped out by airstrikes

The rest of this week im going to be up north next to the Canadian border going through nature, renting a cabin, and being away from civilization. I will not have any technology on me as I will be without Wifi, so this will be my last post for now. I hope the rest of this week makes up for these last few days

You aren't a misfit. You're a product of what you've endured in your life, just like we all are. Most of us have taken a long time to feel comfortable together so that we can talk, trust, and relax enough to feel like we're friends but that doesn't mean we're invincible or better than you. As far as I've read on the forum, we're all anxious and we all feel like misfits. You certainly aren't alone when you say that you second-guess yourself, or you ruminate about your place in the world.

Take a chance on us. Diversity of thought is important and you contribute significantly to the forum whether it be political exchanges or your struggle with trauma, relationship building, and self-control. I enjoy your posts and I know others do too. If someone disagrees with you, that's OK. Please don't assume that it means you aren't welcome here.

You are.

Glad to see you back, salad I too find this site to be therapeutic and beneficial, I really hope it can be for you, too.

It took me over a year to work up the courage to even make my first post here, and even now I still get too anxious to actually post things a good bit. I’m a fairly active member, but I am not near as at-home here as I probably appear. I rarely feel like I fit in or really belong in any way, but over time, I’ve sort of created my own place since there wasn’t really a place for me here. You are not alone in feeling out of place, even if it is for different reasons.

It shows great strength and courage to recognize when you need help and to seek it out, especially when you’ve grown up being told the opposite.

I’m interested in someone who’s survived wars view points

Dude! do what you feel is best for you. But not for the reasons you've provided.

Heck! I have possibly locked horns with hundreds of members over the years (all with good intentions ) and I know plenty current users dislike me. But I've been here since 2011 and love the place (sorry mods).

Your heart is in the right place and plenty of members here clearly want you to stay (plus its great to have non-Americans here to add some balance).