How do some Aspies have successful social lives

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Having friends that want to spend time with you, having friends close enough to go on vacations with, friends that aren't "fairweather" friends, friends that invite you or you can invite them, etc. Basically if you're able to get past the acquaintance stage with decent friends then you have succeeded socially.

Yeah, so you said, and now I'm wondering if the socially correct thing would've been to answer that earlier when I saw that comment... oops?



...I don't think I've got any of those these days. Oops.

It's interesting that you don't mention having a good relationship, which is something many people here obsess about, in your list signs of successful social life. Do you consider a romantic relationship to be something too intimate to be put together under the same title with "social life" or does it just happen to be out of the example?

No, there's no obligation that you have to reply straight away all the time. This is why I wish there was a "like" feature here like there is on Facebook.


Well I suppose I was excluding romantic and family relationships. I have no trouble at all romantically, which is where I feel that I'm not as socially inept as what my social life proves. Succeeding in a relationship seems to come naturally to me. Even when we first dated it seemed so easy. Well, it was for me. He was shy and nervous! And he had been in relationships before - and was even married at one time! But me I was rather new to dating (he's older than me) yet I just seemed to know what to do by instinct, even though I've never seen much love going on in my house (my parents didn't love each other but couldn't seem to find other boy/girlfriends).

Yet making friends is just completely different for me. It's harder than dating!

^^^i have noticed that before but it mystifies me just the same.

Can I ask, if there is anything specific that you fear in social rejection, or just people not wanting to be friends or date in general, not anything specific?

So I think this is a nice definition.

I have managed to make some NT and just one ASD friend IRL, and in the latter case we now have drifted apart. One of my special interests is humour. I grew up listening to witty radio comedy shows and internalised so much of it, studied it, and I have become proficient at applying that sort of humour in everyday situations. I think I have a good raw processing power in my brain and that allows me to re-hash humour into situations in front of me very quickly, and I have done this with success throughout my life. I think this has helped me in establishing and maintain friendships. That is not the only 'in' but let's leave it there for now.

The key feature I have noted in the differences between my NT and ASD interactions - mainly IRL but also online - is that NTs often express an interest in me, at least initially, and ask questions of me. This happens far less with ASD interactions IRL. From my observations and experience IRL an ASD-ASD interaction is more likely than not to be awkward and appear on the outside to be impolite unless they share a special interest. One quite stark example is in situations of advice. If an NT asks for advice then they are far more likely to listen and act; with ASD interactions it normally leads to silence and sometimes negative/angry responses, which leaves one with a sense that they don't actually want to be helped, just rant.

The difficulty with the above for many of us autistics is we don't notice this is happening in the moment (IRL - I often do not). So we don't realise what has happened. What I have described is my learnings from my lifetime to date, so is a lot of years of experience and careful observations. Now, as relationships are by their nature bilateral, the behaviour I described above creates a friction and I think this is one of the reasons why autistics (myself included here) often struggle to make and maintain friendships. There is too much friction, most of the time in bilateral interactions. The good news is we can do things about it to make things work better for us.

Update: in the interests of clarity, the joining of the dots here is that one of my learnings is that expressing an interest - however genuine - when someone states or reveals something goes a very long way to endearing that person to you. I know that I have a tendency when listening to someone to note the information and memorise it as potentially important, and I try to digest the meaning later in my own time when I am not distracted by all of the other sensory barrage IRL. So I can miss cues they would think normal as a way to ask a follow-up qn or give my take on something. The thing that puzzles me though is that I find this a difficulty IRL but far less so online. However I have noticed that many autistics also seem to struggle with this online. As a case study, I noted on another thread that I have just passed all the stages required to start a volunteer role at a youth club with autistic children. When I revealed this on another forum - a hobby forum - it got loads of interest and questions and congratulations to me. On this forum? Absolutely no comment. I find this particularly odd given the particular subject matter. As I say, it is puzzling to me even, so I can see why we as a collective do struggle with friendships.

Last edited by munstead on 26 Mar 2022, 4:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I suppose social rejection brings me back to my high school days where the other girls would treat me differently to how they treated each other, even if I mimicked their behaviour and said the right things at the right times. Also I hated being on my own at school so I stuck to groups of familiar girls but sometimes they'd just ignore me like I wasn't there, or tell me to go away, stop following them, etc. Those words hurt because it made me feel like I didn't matter.

Social rejection went on into adulthood too. I got called nosy at a volunteer job I used to go to because I was interested in people and liked to be involved in what was going on, which is normal for humans especially women, but the way I approached it wasn't as subtle as they expected, and they thought I was just being nosy. But it was because I hated being the last to know everything and I really wanted to feel like an insider and be up with all the latest gossip. I just didn't know how to be subtle about it. They called me out on it in the most humiliating way and even made me cry. I felt it was a form of social rejection and so from that experience I had learnt not to throw myself out there. But now because I'm afraid of people calling me nosy again, I come across as more aloof. So I can't win really.

I think that with mimicking the behavior of others, the key is probably how natural it looks. If it looks like the things you do are what you want to do without having to watch others, you pass, but if it becomes obvious that you're mimicking others on purpose, you fail.
How do you know you said the right things at the right times if the results weren't in your favor?

"Enough social smarts to know when being socially awkward, not enough social smarts to know how not to be awkward"

This was basically true for me. I didn't mimick all their behaviour, as I wasn't clueless, but I was likeable, though unliked. Also all the girls in the class were told about my stupid diagnosis when I was first diagnosed, because that's one of the joys of getting a diagnosis in childhood - everyone and their brother gets told.
I guess the teacher thought telling the other children that I am labelled with something none of them had was the best thing to do as they thought it'd make them understand me better, but they should have known that kids and diagnostic labels do not mix and by telling a bunch of 9-year-olds that a classmate has a thing like autism is basically asking for a miserable life for that poor student. They just saw me as "the dunce kid with special needs" and were terrified to be seen hanging out with me after that. So makes me wonder how different things would have been if I hadn't got diagnosed so early in life. It's why it makes me feel so angry about being diagnosed so early while other Aspie girls my age go unnoticed until adulthood.

from my perspective, for whatever that is worth in the grand scheme of things, if an aspie manages/has the social intelligence to easily attract the mate of their choice, they already have a "successful social life" - it is all relative.

The ability to have a social life is beyond me. I have accepted that I will never be able to do the things that you talk about your autistic associate doing. My neurology does not allow me to be successful at this. I have learned I have more limitations than I used to believe I had but now it makes sense why my attempts at "social stuff" always fail. My neurology simply can't keep up with anything in "real time" due to sensory processing issues. I am lucky I can still interact with others online. Being online in forums like this , that IS my social life. Each of us will be different. Hope you find something that works for you.

I would assume that the halo effect might have something to do with it. Physically attractive people attract others naturally, while unattractive people do not, and even repel others in some cases. I've seen the halo effect in action enough times to know that it is a real phenomenon. I remember in high school, there was a fellow autistic girl who had all of the same traits that I have (shy, awkward, artistic) - but for some reason, she was approached by other girls for friendship while I was never given such a chance. I could only assume it was because she was naturally pretty and I was not.

I never had and will never have a "social life" - that is perfectly fine with me. I realized years ago that there are too many toxic narcissists and sociopaths out there who would take advantage of my naivety.

So it means I'm unattractive then.

No.....it doesn't mean that.

I don't have a "halo" around me.....and I don't think of myself as "unattractive."

i am sure the OP is plenty attractive by dint of her attracting a mate.

I do get sensitive about my looks. I know some people might say "who cares if you're ugly, as long as you have inner beauty?" and all that but being physically attractive can boost ego and confidence and it is nice to look attractive.

I've had guys liking me in the past, including my boyfriend now, so there must be something attractive about me. Perhaps I'm just ugly in the eyes of women and that guys see me differently.

Still hurts though when someone hints that you're not attractive. Maybe I should get plastic surgery on my face so that I'll get more friends. I would like wider eyes and a different shape face.