I've been suicidal

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I have a distinct impression that everyone was better off before the modern communications developed that now barrages everyone with "news" about all these atrocities.

It wouldn't surprise me if there are far fewer such atrocities now than in the past.

Thank you Deephour

I know you wasn't to know. Nobody knew
Thank you for being a mate

Well right now I've just woke up and as long as I don't have that feeling as soon as I open my eyes then I know it's a better day

I had a persecutory voice back at the start of this year and it told me that I'm going to die this year. I get them all the time. Its like my brain hates me and then I think it's the world that hates me

I've spoke to my therapist about this but there was very little reasoning with me about it

All I can say is that I'm not afraid anymore

I don't want to die by the way. If I did then I would already be dead

Yeah I know. I had to stop looking at the news and I don't use social media but I couldn't even come in here and this place has always been a safe place for me but it did become a very unsafe place for me

im trying to find safety here again but I'm afraid that ship may have sailed. But I'm trying still

And I had to promise not to go skatepark anymore because I admitted that I was usually it to self harm and I did nearly kill myself there as well and I'm still getting through that injury

But that was to do with the voice in my head because I believed the voice and I was walking into danger because of it, because I didn't know what else to do

I also have taken so many kicks and knocks this year that I've struggled to recover from or not even been able to recover from before I get the next kick

So I'm literally defending myself all the time

It takes its toll you know

I'm actually wondering now if I should call it a "suicidal flare up"

i think that's an easier way for me to look at it because I don't want to be scared of this feeling, because let me tell you it's f*****g terrifying.

It literally feels like death is all around and it's so, so dark. I remember asking my therapist if you "get less lights as you get older" because it felt like all my lights had gone. They've started to come back again now so that's a good sign

I have schizotypal personality disorder diagnosis as well so I don't know if I'm prone to this type of thing

I should be talking to my therapist this coming week so I'm going to make sure I ask all these questions

I know and that's why I've never been able to speak about it again

I can remember in my early 20s and it came with a lot of rage and hallucinations and delusions as well

I just literally had to lock myself in my flat. I couldn't speak to anyone and I can remember my friends knocking at my door but I couldn't face anyone because I didn't have the language to be able to let anyone know and plus I was so scared of getting locked away so I just hid. I also lost all my friends because of that time and I've never really recovered from that to be honest

I think I've just been dissociating away from the feeling of it and it's all just come to the surface this year through a sequence of random events

I also think it's important to know that I don't have to feel responsible for absolutely everyone and everything that happens in the world

So glad today is better, hope something good happens!

(I remember reading in an old-ish paper that, very inconveniently, we need good things at a rate that exceeds our expectations - like a monkey coming across a fruit tree it hadn't expected to be ripe yet. Tells us that the environment is nourishing.)

Of course it does.



Yeh sorry, don't mind me, I'm a worrier! The worry was capacity for endurance, not will to live, coz the latter is clear

Great that you're speaking to a therapist about this. Really hope they give you some good insights.

I'm active in certain causes offline, but there are bits of this site I just cannot stick my head into. And frankly there's no reason to.

Jeez that voice though!!

I did a bit of schema therapy. There's a voice in that paradigm called 'the punitive parent' which sounds a bit like your persecutory voice: 'it is right that bad things happen to you'. Eugh, horrific. That is *violence*. I can't even imagine experiencing that level of sabotage, I'd be terrified.



To tell the truth I had a bit of a cry about this. If you do hugs, I really hope you've been well hugged about it, or that you've found other ways to let your friends express love and care.



You're not responsible for anything but yourself. How others feel? Not your responsibility. What others do? Pfft, not your responsibility.

Well, what you do with your choices and your voice is your responsibility. But it comes much, much, much further down the list than 'get through this, be okay within yourself'. And it's just a matter for your judgement, like. An exercise of will and agency: what you choose for yourself.

Nothing in the world requires your attention right now. If there was stuff you could do, you'd have done it. Be good to yourself.

Its a shame that it's such a difficult topic

I keep writing and deleting because I'm trying to not make it sound as bad as it is

I do that to protect myself from it more than to protect anyone else

Its like I don't want to be faced with how horrific it made me feel

I don't know if I'm wrong or right in dealing with it this way...but there has to be a way

I've never looked forward for a new year to come more than I have this year, I can tell you

I wish there was something I could do, BB. I'm not very good with giving advice, so all you'll get is my sympathy and some virtual hugs.

I don't think there's much anyone can say mate
I know you're there

I made this thread for a number of reasons but to get advice was not one of those reasons

Talking about it and being able to let you guys know that I've been struggling has taken a bit of pressure off so I do feel a bit clearer for that

So thank you for allowing me to do that

And there's not even any single one reason for me to have this feeling either

Its just a lifetime's worth of stuff and stuff that has been left neglected

I think that makes sense.

You have a savage old wound you need to protect, but at the same time, it needs treatment.

That's being caught between a rock and a hard place.

I reckon this - feeling out the shape of it, thinking about what you do and don't want to say - is a really important part of it. One day you'll be ready to unpack it, and there'll be a safe space set up and waiting for you.

In the meantime there's something horrible that causes you pain; you can sketch the outlines, maybe, vaguely, but the horror of it can't be told. Like a box that mustn't be opened, with a monster inside. You can't let it out to show people but they've got to understand it's there when you tell them.

I understand that there is something horrible. Truly horrible. And that's all that I understand. Which is not much. But I wish I could offer you some... solidarity, something. It's clear everyone here does. Though we know words are useless at real things. (Not that that stops some of us )

There's no sane way to say "you're not alone" when you are experiencing something so lonely, but it's what I wish to say. When you are here and it hurts you, it is here too. We can see it if you let us know. Even if you can't ever speak about it or never want to. You need to protect yourself, but I hope you don't need to be completely alone in it.

By jeez I hope the new year will be so much kinder to you.

On a side note, I somehow didn't make the connection between 'babybird' and 'bb', and my mind was here: "That was the summer that everyone called me baby, and it didn't occur to me mind..." (Forgotten movies)

Thank you for your kind words kuen