Self harmer

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I am a self harmer, but go right for the hitting rather than cutting. I have cutt a little, but none of them are deep. The reason I wound up hitting instead is because I punish myself. I don't think you are quite that way.

You seem more like those people I heard about. The cutting kind, that do it to feel real. (as you mentioned) Other's I think do it to 'release' something emotional, while at the same time needing to feel pain for the 'emotion is real'/'I'm not numb now" reason. And I agree with everyone about the boy. Maybe he has control issues. In which case it would benifit for you to dump him. I hope the therapy works out for you.

Me however, I hit when things overwhelm me or make me feel crazy. I've been hitting myself since 15 years old. Around that age, I was being yelled at by my father. Often times his screaming was uncalled for. I feel that he verbally abused me to. Where I think it might have started was after the insident where some boy bullied me, and my father told me to watch MY mouth as if it was my fault.

My feelings seemed to meeningless to people, in my eyes. Hitting made me feel control, and it got their attention and some consideration to. Last year, I beat myself up enough so that I had bruises on my knuckle. I was yelling stuff as if I was the abusive parent smacking the child. (which is not good, IMO) Such as, "you stupid little ***! You never give anything in return, and you think your SO innocent!!" Amung other abusive language. Obviously part of me hates me very much. I for one can't "just stop it", because it's very learned into my mind.

LiendaBalla - I used to hit myself. I remember when I was 11 and my mum annoyed me over something to do with school so I started hitting my arms against this wooden chair which hurt a lot. She started laughing though which really scared me. I did this several times until I was about 13. I cut using paperclips when I just turned 15 and started using knives when I was 15-and-a-half.

You're right, I don't cut to punish myself but I can understand why people do do it for that reason. I was talking to my psychiatrist about this and I concluded that I cut because I don't feel like a real person and drawing blood from myself proves that that I am.

I'm like you in the sense that my feelings seem meaningless to other people. I feel like they don't see me as a real person as they treat me as someone with no emotion. Cutting makes me feel in control too.

I have found that strenuous exercise helps a lot.

I think the most strenuous form of exercise that I do is stimming! I find that takes my mind off a lot of things.

To update matters, my friend hasn't talked to him yet and I haven't seen him since. I feel like a twisted b*tch as I was to constantly get revenge on him all of the things he did to me. I haven't cut myself yet this year but I feel like doing so now . Any ideas?

Don't cut yourself.

If you really feel like punishing yourself for something, then do something you hate - eg: force yourself to be social for a while.

There's a lot more you can do without resorting to cutting.

Actually, maybe go treat yourself - get a facial or something. Do something that you haven't tried that other people say they like.

Nico,
what SaphoWoman said is very good for this,as it helps in many ways [exercise],it helps to lessen the bad things inside.

Am find it helps to have others hide all sharp objects to discourage cutting as much as possible,staff here lock them all away,and they make sure am throw out all empty cans of coke/redbull often to avoid ripping the ring pulls off them for cutting.
It is good to have those around [whether it's family,staff etc] if there are any-to be supportive about this and not just see it as attention seeking or something silly [although am used to live with someone who does this for attention].
If only cut in a certain room/place,get out of there,and go somewhere else with distractions,somewhere that do like.
Some people use elastic bands on their wrist and pull them and let go,others use ice cubes in the place of the sharp object or even red felt tip [for those that do it for sight of blood].


Am a cutter and use nails,knives,tin ring pulls,corkskrews,sticks if out in garden etc-whatever can get hands on,am have no pain threshhold on outside of body and do it for both the tactile/tugging feeling and also because it's something am able to predict,am able to control when it feels everything else isn't?-it happens because of routine changes,am have a deep thick cut from knee to ankle on left leg that still hasn't heeled yet,wasn't able to tell am was going in to far with it.
Am also self injure in other ways,through biting flesh,headbanging,and attacking out when in meltdown.
Am used to live with another Autie [who had moderate/severe MR] and he had managed to bite out massive chunks of flesh from his arms and hands,seems he did it when he had nothing else to do.

What if tried a local mental health service/support group who understand self harm?
am know there are some here [one is supposed to be very good but is aimed at young people 42nd street? something like that]
not sure about anywhere else though.

There aren't many services for under-18s in my area. I though 42nd street only helped people who live in Manchester? I'll look into it more, thanks for your advice. It's really sad that teenage self harming figures are increasing and there are hardly any services for self harming teenagers. It's like they want us to suffer and to punish ourselves.