I want the courage to take my life

Post Reply New Topic

How are you today Graelwyn?
And how are you Mechanima? Apart from a new and different shape . . .
Good to hear from you . . .
I am thinking that you are a little worried Graelwyn about having to go home again after your holiday.
I believe that you should have an open mind about things.
I am sure that if you really liked it here it would be possible for you to be able to stay. It is not too difficult to find a place to rent and get benefit etc. Also there is all kinds of work that is fairly easy to get.
Basically the way I see it , you would have a choice and at the very least your trip would give you the opportunity to view your current situation objectively.
You are so welcome . . .
I went to look at another house last night, there is a possibility that I may even have a spare house for a few weeks . . .and I could really do with a hand to help me move and there is no one. The two houses are 30 mins apart.Can you drive?
I have a spare vehicle , a bit tatty but runs okay and pretty much legal, spare computer, broadband etc.
its beginning to look as though it might be meant to be and maybe I need a little of your help right now too. Well in the next few weeks anyway, cross your fingers that I get this new cottage, its what myself and Felix need right now. I meet with the owner on Tuesday afternoon. I want it so much . . .
This sounds like it would be chaotic, it wouldnt be, it would be really laid back actually, it's mainly just a little moral support that I would need, just to help keep me focussed, and help me deal with the change.
So no pressure Graelwyn, but it would be lovely to spend some time with you and Felix could do with a new friend too.
He is a home schooled , unwillingly isolated 10 year old Aspie who is hungry for some good people in his life. Maybe you could play some ps2 together?
Do you swim?
We could have some good times while you are here and you sound like you need a break.
It's great that Mechanima has offered to help with travel if you need her to.
It all gets easier and easier really.
It would be quite something for me to meet Mechanima too, as we never did, yet . . .
It's a standing offer, let me know.
I wont keep pestering, and might not mention it again, but rest assured that the offer will always be there, my situation here might go through changes, but you will always be welcome, Graelwyn.

Nuff said?

Graelwyn,
I can relate to having body issues. Before I started the quest to improve my appearance, I was curious how other people achieved the type of body I wanted so I did a little research. I started by reading my wife's women's magazines. Why? Because I knew that they always ask attractive actresses how they keep looking so good. Across the board every single one (notably Hallie Berry) said good diet, weights, and cardio. The only shortcut to what you want is doing things the right way.

It is important to know how your body works. If you starve yourself or worse, you WILL NOT LOSE FAT! When you starve yourself, your body will hold onto fat like it's life depended on it. Instead, your body will eat your muscles and other lean tissues first. Why? Because it is easier for the body to process protein than it is for your body to process fat. You might lose weight from starving yourself, but it won't be from fat loss. Additionally, lean tissue burns more calories at rest than fat does. The less muscle you have, the fewer calories your body is able to use.

If you have damaged your body through starvation of worse, you need to get medical treatment to help reverse the damage. After your body is healthy, it is much easier than you think to get the type of body that you want, it just takes time and a little bit of knowledge. If you learn to channel your anxieties and marry that energy to the correct information, you would be unstoppable!! !

If you are dead, you will never achieve your goals. You must live to prove to yourself that you can have what you want, because you can

I was 70ibs at my lowest.

My metabolism willnever be normal.. . I have an underactive thyroid gland...which slows everything down.

I am struggling just to get below 128 right now.

I am wiondering if I am doing too much exercise, given I want to get smaller...since cycling on my exercise cycle, my knees seem to have gotten bigger, just above the joints.

My butt is solid when i bend even slightly.

I wish to shrink, not get larger from muscle buildup.


I do wonder if long, fast walking will help me better and build less muscle.

MY body hatred has been dire tonight. I have had to get drunk to deal with it....and the ocd connected to it.

I kept measuring my jogpants...ladies fitted ones, and couldnt figure out how come one area of them measures 39 inches around when my own hips are 36...yet they are not loose.

it upset me a lot.

I am battered and bruised from my self hatred and beating.
I would rather be dead than be heavy or large.,

Hi Graelwyn,

The question you need to ask yourself is WHY it is so important to you to lose more weight. This is the real issue here.

128lb is definitely not overweight, it is either a normal healthy weight or underweight, depending on your height.

You say you have had anorexia once, do you really want to go back there again? Because the mindset where it is more important to lose weight than it is to stay healthy is where things start to get dangerous.

I too have an underactive thyroid - I know exactly what you mean about it making you feel "slowed down".

If you are taking medication for this, have you had your blood tested recently? You may just need to get your levels adjusted, because a hormone imbalance could most certainly be contributing to the way you are feeling.

And you could try & detach yourself from the OCD by telling yourself it is not "real", it is just caused by weird chemical stuff going on in the brain - this often works for me.

By the way, I can relate to your fear of flying, and can also understand that the whole idea of going away may just seem too big & overwhelming to organise at the moment.

I don't know how much this may help, but I will let you know that with the OCD, you are not alone. But with mine, I had the type called Religiosity or Scrupulosity. That is the kind where a person is always worrying whether something they did made God angry enough where they will end up going to Hell. Also though a lot of religious questions usually had answers, but sometimes they were not always clear cut, and alot of them tend to not have answers. So a lot of time I would worry obsessively over this stuff, often to the point of severe mental fatigue. And a lot of times, my mind would not quit with the incessant worrying and anxiety and questions. It was sheer torture. So much so, that I would end up thinking of suicide just to have a a break from the relentless mental onslaught. That was how bad it would get.

Reading over your posts in this thread, you mentioned you had said you have large hips. I have large hips too. I can go down in weight, but even if I do, my VERY broad hips (it is the bones that make them very broad, not any flesh that is on them) will make it difficult to put on size-appropriate jeans or pants, so often I must go up a size to accomidate my broad bottom.

I really hope you do not choose the suicide route, ( and I have been there, and I know when stuff gets real bad it can get VERY tempting) because it really, really does not solve anything. In fact, it can make things A LOT worse. There really is an afterlife, and not many people think about eternity before they die. I have heard some horrid accounts about what some people have experianced in the Great Beyond, and it is not always a happy ending. In fact, some people I had read about in my studies actually had gone to Hell. So suicide is not really the great freedom giver its cracked up to be. Plus, I like to read about forensics, and cops and detectives tend to use graveyard humor when dealing with suicides. It helps them to be detached when dealing with death. They see it all the time, so they don't tend to be shocked about it as you or I would. It is kind of cavalier. Plus suicide it not the prettiest thing either. People have a tendancy to loose bodily functions when they die, so often there will be a foul odor. Plus animals will snack on you if they can get to your body. And there is stuff worse then that too, but I cannot post it because it would be too much for some folks on here to read. Basically, you get no real dignity from suicide, and actually end up having some real private stuff about you revealed when the detectives have to find out why you killed yourself.