I have AS, but I don't look like it. I really hate it.

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Why?

Yeah, this did bother me a lot before, but now I adjust
pretty well. Because I realize it's difficult for other to
understand what autism/asperger really is.

Of course I look fine, my problem is inside my head not
my body or face. People have the right to make ignorant
judgment and I have the right to ignore it.

There are no strenghts, just weaknesses. I can't be proud of myself...EVER, because I lack every bit of self-respect and I lack that because I'm not independent enough. So that's way out.

I find myself wishing 24/7 that I could be NT or sane. And also, it's like illegal for me to be proud of who I am because everyone around me has expectations for me to be NT, so I look it, so I have to try my hardest and my goal is to start learning to be NT.

I guess I don't belong here, also since I have Histrionic Personality Disorder more than anything else.

I have no right to ignore it. It bugs me so much!

I'm sick of people telling me I should be a model. I'd like to tell them "yes, but only because I'm looking forward to diet pill abuse, bulimia all the cocaine I can snort!"

Models are not the happiest people in the world, you know. Basically it's saying I'm not too bright but I have my outer shell to make up for it.

And I'm close to getting a job so there's NO WAY I will ignore it. Next time anyone makes a comment about it I will just go "Yeah, whatever..."

I think I understand what you mean, and it's a hard thing to explain right. Probably no matter how you try to say it it will come out wrong and people will be irritated.

Anyway, I understand. People look at you and treat you like an NT scary/pretty girl (assuming you have a certain personality, when it might be a personality you hate or just don't fit- the scary/pretty girl personality; btw pretty NT girls (the ones who enhance their beauty heaps with carefully arranged clothes and makeup I mean) freak me out) because of your outside appearance when you wish they'd treat you as who you are.

I've found what works really well is not wearing makeup, not doing your hair in a fashionable way, and wearing out there/wacky clothes. That should deflect most of it. But then you have to put up with peoples outrage that you're not taking advantage of your genetics.

Mum's constantly complaining to me about how stunning I could look if I just put a tiny bit more effort into my hair, makeup, and clothes, and how my body/face is wasted on me, blah blah blah.

I like being perhaps a little pretty/passable, but not stunning or anything. It makes me more approachable to the people I actually enjoy conversing with.

But seriously, just put about zero effort into your appearance (obviously with the exception of cleanness) or negative zero effort into your appearance or some minimal effort (depending on how favoured you are in your genetics). Works a charm.

(this might sound vain, but I really don't mean it that way, I'm just trying to be honest and practical here)

It's too late, I don't choose my own clothing (and don't have money for new weird clothes) And it's strange, but I'm one of the aspies who cares about style to a life/death point. Like I said, I'm going to get used to being miserable with no brains, doing sex for favors and doing drugs to control my weight.

It's not very happy, but it will someday be my life.

Well, if it's my choice, this will be my only time, until I get a master who will control my every whim.

No problem, I'll just write this in a book called "The Book No One Wants To Read!"

The only favors I do for the world are sexual ones. (Yes I have a sex addiction! I'm a female pervert. )

DON'T. Break out while you can!! ! If you care about style, then go for it and be stylish (it isn't super hard for me because I don't care too much). It might make things a bit harder, but show that you're different and you're you through your words and actions rather than your appearance.

As far as the last line goes, that's BS. Just cause you're pretty doesn't mean you ever have to do any of that s**t. And I understand about the weight thing because I have the same problem, but it's possible to control it without drugs (control your food intake instead).

As for brains, well, you can develop those yourself. Do research, learn things, teach yourself stuff, discuss philosophy and debate with people. Smart people actually work on their brains all the time! They're not just automatically knowledgeable and smart. I'm not sure how old you are so I'm not sure how relevant this advice is, but find a career you could like and do a uni course, and earn money that way. Noone should ever have to sell their body unless they want to.

I still feel like a hopeless airhead, who can't LEARN and is too old to learn at 18. I don't even know where to start working with my brain! I don't wish for high intelligence, I just wish for wisdom, and that has to be learned over a lifetime, which I do not have anymore. I was sedendatry for most of my pre-teen years, so I didn't gain alot of experience I needed. The main things I need are self-awareness, independence and self-respect. To be confident and have a personality, one that's worthy of having.
I also need treatment for my personality disorder. So much to do, so little time and resources.

you remind me of a girl who is my friend who is bi-polar.
she also has a borderline personality disorder. she thinks in black and white terms. you are either a devil or a saint to her (if she takes notice of you in a deep way).
she goes utterly beserk when she is manic, and is very negative during her manic episodes.

she is pretty i guess (other people say she is( i can not see beauty in faces unfortunately)). she thinks that she is laden with a gift of prettiness which she does not deserve.
she said on the phone i could post an image of her to show how she looks.
i just had a photo so i scanned it.



she is the person on the left. the other person is a feeble sensitive person who is named caroline and i do not know her well.

so sonia was always approached by strong willed idiots, and she smashed a glass on her face one day to get them off her back.
she wanted not to look very nice, because it attracted filth she said.

she went into manic raptures about how she would like to mutilate herself, or she wanted a mean man to do it for her.

she got a boyfriend that slaps her around and tells her she is a "bush pig" and demands dinner, and farts in her face after getting out of the shower with a wet anus (she gets a splatter effect) and she likes his smell of animal muskiness.

she is a nice person, but she is lost in her desire to be trashed by someone who naturally trashes people.

she is still my friend, but only that.

I can't believe that I am considered the most crazy person on this site. I also can't believe I'm saying this, but for a while, I was considering joining the site that is defined here:http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sonic+passion

Yup, I'm insane.

Too emotional for my own good. Jealous of the logical ones.

I mean, really. My family dosen't think I need help. Maybe they know it, they just don't want to say it because their income can't meet the needs for payment to the proffesional in question.

Ignore NC, he's just a troll.

On the matter of your issue, I don't see what appearance has to do with AS and I don't see why you would want to be NT.

Did anyone happen to look at the link? Does anyone see how crazy I really am? I do need help!

I don't think NQ is a troll. He sounds like my NT brother and sister actually.

And yes I want to be NT so freakin' badly!! !

I wish I could help you. Some days I feel like that too, although you sound like your personality is a lot more unstable than mine (which sucks). You do need help, and your parents need a wake up call if they don't believe you do. You need to tell them how you're actually thinking and feeling so they can get you help.

About the whole smartness thing, I know what you mean when you say you were oblivious for so long and have so much to catch up on; I was the same, I only "woke up" for the want of a better word for it, at around age 17/18, and have always felt behind others of my age in general knowledge and that sort of thing. But it doesn't mean that you can't learn, just means that it might take you longer to reach the same point as other people. You are quite capable of learning, and by just being aware you are already subconsciously learning from the world around you as I speak.

Well, I wish I WASN'T so late. Then if that's the case, then I'm ret*d!

So I might as well say this. I am branded as Loser For Life.


Might I add that all I do is lay around in my bed, sucking on my thumb and watch cartoons all day at the age of 18! I have no job and have barely passed high school.

I was looking for a job at Toys 'R' Us where maturity won't matter but I may not get the job. So I'm currently seeking a job at Hot Dog on a Stick where at least I can wear a goofy-looking uniform.