Suicide - general discussion, thoughts and advice?

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lol,
na Im a sh1t

well, Im back from holiday now.

I had the perfect opportunity to throw myself off a cliff whilst on holiday and I considered it deeply, but decided against it. I think it would be better to try and change things in my life and make it more plesant before i do that. It was a very good opportunity though so I am a fool for letting it pass, ho hum.

Ive decided to drop my study courses and focus on moving away as that would eleviate some of my problems by just moving.

Im also strongly considering putting one or both of the kids in school (insted of home educating).

Im going to prioritise my special interests insted of doing chores etc. Thats been a big problem over the last few months as because of being hassled by social services Ive not been able to do my hobbies as Ive had to do research and emails and cleaning. Also because of my arthritus Ive had a lot of pain so Ive not been painting and I need to prioritise finding solutions to that as Im always more positive if Im painting.

I just wish I could do things right and not make a mess of everything, Im so frustrated at myself.

The other major thing that's prevented me from thinking about attempting suicide is guilt. I don't want to hurt people who would be very hurt if I was no longer alive. I think everyone should consider this before they think of killing themselves. It might be a rational way to end your pain but the rest of the world continues on so it's not like there are no consequences outside yourself.

everything is really getting me down right now, Im having real difficulty finding the strength to cope with life.

I find everything has to be such a battle and Im sick of it, I dont want to have to fight for everything, I just want to be left alone.

Im having such a hard time from social services and I cant keep dealing with them, its too much. Ive got to see the child psychiatrist on friday and i dont want to, its over whelming me and they dont help, they just be critical, Im sick of people criticizing me.

I feel so alone and out of place, my views are so at odds with the world, no one agrees with me about stuff and Im sick of arguing my case but im also not prepared to capitulate on ideas.

Im tired of having to do all the liasing with people for my kids and Im tired of my kids being challenging. I want a break from it all. but it never stops. It just goes from one crisis to the next and Im so tired of it all.

I did a meet up on the weekend and I just had to vegetate afterward and do nothing, I could not even do my interests. Im still not ok now, this had made me dispair of ever working, how can I ever work if i have to have a week vegging for every 6 hours spent with people. there is no point finishing my msc if i cant ever work, there is just no point.

I feel so sick of it all, its like everything is crumbling away around me and my life is disapearing bit by bit, like the world is hinting at me to go.

Lotus, is there any way you could get an attorney to run interference for you? So you don't have to deal with the social workers directly. You and your attorney work out what you can and can't do, and how soon. He or she is there to protect you from legal action taken against you and from being forced into a schedule of appointments you can't deal with. Your attorney can protect you from harassment and get them to stop pressuring you....so you can get on with your life. It is possible they are making you do things the law does not require you to do. If so, your attorney may be able to take counter measures against them, or even just mention certain legal repercussions which would make them back down. There are times when we need someone in our corner fighting for us.

To go back to the topic of suicide in general...

I think it isn't our lives sucking per se that causes suicidal thoughts (although it contributes), but more that we tend to use association as our main thinking mode.

What I mean by that is that we tend to go from thought to associated thought. Everyone can think in this mode, but for us it seems to be the main way of processing.

(By associative, I mean that we don't necessarily think in a straight line, but rather move from thought to related thought--here's two pictures that I bet you have no problem following but NT's don't "get" at all:
web-think
three connected numbers

)
So what ends up happening to many of us, I think, is that we end up on a vicious spiral of associations.

For example, say I have a bad experience with someone yelling at me. I go off and think about it. But I don't just think about what just happened. Thinking about being yelled at triggers thoughts about other times I've been yelled at, and it makes me feel worthless, which in turn makes me think about other times I've felt worthless and so it goes, around and around, until I'm ready to end it all. A guy I knew referred to it as "doing 90 in a circular driveway".

The first thing to do is not take thoughts so seriously. Just because a thought knocks at the door doesn't mean you have to invite it in and entertain it. You don't have any control over the random thoughts that pop into your head, but you do have control over what you focus on.

When I find myself going around and around, what I do is deliberately change my focus to something else, something neutral. If I am really stuck, it can be something as silly as picking up a soup can and reading the label carefully, or I will literally tell myself "I'm not going to think about this right now, I'm going to think about 'X'" and I deliberately turn my attention to X.

If I find myself slipping back into the spiral, that's not a problem, I just do the same thing again the moment I catch it. I do it every thirty seconds if that's what's necessary, I don't scold myself for falling back into it because that just drags it on longer.

At first it will be hard to catch, you may find you're feeling horrible with no idea of how it got going, but that's not a problem either, instead of dwelling on thoughts of killing yourself, do exactly the same thing and think about something else. As you get practiced at changing the direction of your thinking, you will begin to catch it earlier so that you can stop the spiral before it really has a chance to get wound up.

Over time, you will find you feel better. You won't be as prone to fall into a dark pit, and if you find your mood deteriorating, you will be able to spot where you've gone circular right away.

This is not intended in any way to blow off the actual problem you may be having, nor is it any kind of denial. If something bad happened and you feel bad, that's normal. What it will do is keep a minor problem from becoming a reason to throw yourself off a cliff.

Another real benefit is that the energy you are using thinking about killing yourself will be available to come up with ways to improve your situation. Instead of spending hours feeling crappy about being poor in social situations, you will be able to use that time and energy to come up with creative ways to improve your skills.

I hope that this helps.

yeah, its kind of all gone to far now and I cant deal with anything. a lot of the people I have to deal with say I need to put in a complaint against the social services and camhs but I cant cope with it. I cant even cope with talking to SS on the phone let alone sorting out a solicitor, I just cant do it. Ive come to the end of my resourses.

My out reach worker was suposed to liase with SS on my behalf but the SS are ignoring this and phoneing me not her and they keep trying to make appointments with out her there.

I fear that Im going to end up getting a section into the psychiatric hospital and having the kids taken into care.

it just sucks as I cant stop myself from not coping, Im trying really hard but its all going wrong.

i had thoughts of "suicide"
as i was sittin' by the "sewer side"
and i remembered i could " sue his hide"
so i decided to stick around.

now his hide is owned by me,
and i draped it on my wall to see,
but his moles did spell out "lunacy",
when i joined the dots i found.


sorry i just made that up. someone encouraged me to drink 3 drinks tonight and they are gone and i am also going now.

I like to think of suicide like this. If i kill myself then They win, they have brought me down enough to make me give in. And I for one hate losing. By them, I mean stress, bullies, life in general, I also know that there are people that love me and even if you feel that no one loves you, just look up... He loves everyone.

oh come on pretty woman, u've got a lot to offer

Lotus, hope this doesn't come across preachy. If it does, apologies...

When people make us feel bad about our lives and ourselves---we just have to say NO.
No matter who they are.
In this case, you need to protect yourself as well as abide by the law. Establishing and maintaining clear boundaries can salvage strength/reserves. Otherwise people can drain our vitality or deplete our immunity. We can't allow that to happen. Social Services may be accustomed to doormatting their clients, to disrespecting their privacy and dignity.

One thing that might help is to keep meticulous notes about all transactions between you and SS. Go back to when this all started, to your first contact with them. Make note of all conversations and the approximate dates, who you spoke with and what was said. Then keep those records up to date with new entries every time you have a discussion with them. Include all visits you made to the office and when they came to your home. As well as all appointments with anyone else you had to make because of their demands. That way it isn't something nebulous, but rather a very definite record of their demands and how you have complied with them. You will know exactly why you're upset and who's at fault. You'll have specific evidence to back you up.

You mentioned working toward a 'msc'. Is that a Master's Degree? You could tell these people enough is enough. You will be unavailable for the next 2 months. When you do this, you need to be firm and stand your ground. If they ask why, you could tell them it is imperative you spend at least the next 2 months on research for your thesis. Because it is important to your career, you require to be uninterrupted during this time. Whenever you need a break from them, the same excuse may work. A thesis is completed over an extended period of time, perhaps a year or two. You might give them a date after which they can contact your outreach worker. Then maybe don't answer your phone. Instead get a recorder to take messages for you.

You could perhaps also consider-- informing them in no uncertain terms that you don't need their services any more, thank you and goodbye. Whatever they have done to "help" is quite enough, and that will be all. Dismiss them with as much tact and diplomacy as you can muster.

my mum always says that to me but i always think that its 'cutting off my nose to spite my face' kind of thing to not kill myself just to spite my enemies as whose it hurt by me staying alive- only myself.

Ive said to them about the msc, and they said " its not about you, its for the good of the children", and I argued that it was in the childrens interests for me to get the masters but the SS do not care. They do have legal rights over me as they are doing a child protection assessment as the childrens mental health services reported me to them when i refused to attend so that I could sit my first set of Msc exams.

I just cant be doing with it now, i think im probably going to get sectioned and the kids will go in care. I cant do anything anymore as Im so stressed by it all, I cant sleep and when i do I have bad nightmares. I just feel sick all the time from the stress. Its just too sh1tty.

I just dont want to fight anymore I want to drift away and be left alone, I want to return to what i came from and leave this crapy world behind. Its not for me this life, its too hard and im no good at it. I just dont want to do it anymore.

no worrying about me though, Im just a moaner i dont want anyone worrying

Best of luck Lotus. You're not a moaner. You're going through a very stressful time and doing the best you can. Don't blame yourself. Please reconsider getting legal representation. You're in UK. In the US, many attorneys have free initial consult which can be over the phone. Find out what your rights are. The sooner you talk to a lawyer, the sooner you will know what your options are. I'm thinking about if you took this to court. Judges almost universally admire and support parents' efforts to improve the quality of life they can provide their children. It's common sense. In terms of your msc.

I've been thinking about sucicide alot lately. I'm sick of being alone, sick of being rejected by women all the time. I feel my AS is the thing that is keeping me from finding someone, but no matter how hard i work on myself, I still get rejected. I feel God does not want me to be happy. God gave my AS. God made me a social ret*d. I don't want to live like this anymore and I don't know what else to do.

I'm trying to figure out the best way to do it, thats all.

I feel much the same - just see my avatar, I feel a lot of the time like a sad monster putting up an act of being a normal human and everyone knowing in their gut it's just an act - there are lots of monsters out there but they're 'acceptable' monsters and not the outcast variety.




And you'd deprive WP of one of its coolest members, so don't. And Italy is very, very worthwhile.




This is the only reason I'm still alive. As long as my parents and my nan are around, I will not kill myself. My few friends would care a little but they'd get over it and would soon forget me, and nobody else would care at all (it's a good job I don't have a SO - I'm reminded of a teacher of mine that said 'The best thing my husband ever did for me was committing suicide.'). Outside my family, my death wouldn't deprive anyone of much, and I don't expect much out of life - just drudgery, useless conflict and loneliness. If I had a child there might be a point in living, there might be a point in me having a future, but since that's not going to happen my life reminds me of a poem, 'Killing time is taking a seat facing a clock to wait for death.' I don't see the point in waiting, other than not hurting others.