scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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7. A slight lift today after a few days of a deeper depression. Mowed the communal lawn and did a fairly good job of it, as the scheduled cutters haven't been since before the lockdown began in March.

-20 I feel like I just want to die and be free

3


did mushrooms sunday night on a whim. had the usual discomfort and anxiety during the comeup...my two housemates did it alongside me and one of them made cookies which were REALLY good
we walked into the forest at midnight. when we came out i had peaked and was getting euphoric. managed to talk my roomate's ear off about stuff which was funny because, usually he's the one who flaps his lips and i have to listen.

by the time i decided to go to bed, only 8 hours remained before i had to go to work. i took melatonin to get my brain to shut up, it backfired, my hallucinations almost immediately became more intense. or maybe i just wasn't paying attention to them. decided to call in sick the next morning instead LOL and spent the day finishing my masterpiece instead and playing fallout.

later, my roomate's friend wanted to hang out, my roomate was busy packing all his stuff to return to CA, so i went to meet her instead. i was expecting it to be awkward but it wasn't...and that's really rare.

i looked at her movies. she asked me to picm one...i picked AKIRA because it's f*****g good. she read my tarot and i managed to pick the cases with the lengthiest descriptions...poor girl. we partook in a lot of rum. makes me tea.

we're watching AKIRA now and next thing i know i'm sleeping with her.
i'm sleeping with this stranger. she grinds her teeth in her sleep. this person i hardly know, ten years older than me, with rum on her breath turns over and her rum breath, grinding her teeth and afro is in my face while i'm on her hard floor in front of the TV at 1 in the morning while i'm worrying about my f*****g job???
ok. wakes up and asks me if we want to move to her bed
we move to her bed.
kept sleeping with this person i don't know. she asks me what i want to do but i don't know where the boundaries are. i want do do it, but i was given a penis that is pathetic and basically doesn't work so i stop short of that so cuddling and kissing suffices. and i'm bad at kissing. i did this because i have no self-respect at all, but i missed the feeling i got from my EX SO MUCH I WENT WITH IT


today my roommate left for CA, and i spent the day rearranging the room to my liking, and mine only. almost threw out my back moving the desks and giant mattresses, thanks to my skinny build and lack of muscle HAHAHAHA

what the hell am i doing with my life??

-5

I just want to know what the heck is wrong with me (okay, yes, it might be easier to come up with a list of things that aren’t “wrong” with me, but in this case I’m just referring to the anemia stuff). Google just keeps giving me answers like pregnancy, heavy menstrual periods, and GI bleeding, none of which I have. The only treatments Doctor Google suggests are iron supplement tablets (which I’ve been taking along with vitamin C supplement and multivitamin, for four months now with no effect), iron infusions (I’ve had four now and none of them have seemed to work), and blood transfusion (which my iron hasn’t been quite low enough for my doctor to order, but... well, actually I suppose I don’t have any real reason to think it won’t work, I just don’t want to need blood transfusions, particularly if it’s going to become a regular thing).

Did I get my wish and I do have something terminal now? Will I be forced to continue living for several/many years as a parasite, needing to take in other people’s blood on a regular basis? Or is this just another of those things my body randomly does that looks like it could be serious but there is no evidence of anything at all being wrong? Or something where I’ll have to take expensive medicine for the rest of my life? Or some combination thereof?

Big hugs

-20 worried about the riots. Never seen it so bad the national guard are sent in.
And sounds like it’s spreading to all over the nation

3? My problems seem to be easing up... I suppose at least some of them are caused by stress.

...

I hope I'm not jinxing it.

+8

No new problems today ... fresh cuppa coffee ... a bowl of hot oatmeal ... my cat at my feet (she says 'Hi') ... shave + shorts + dress shirt + tie for morning video meeting ... Forge of Empires on the secondary monitor ... life is good!

-4

1.78- got a long spectral source subtraction job ahead o' me.

I wish it were a short spectral source addition job, I think. ^

Could someone please pass the Ativan?

if you get some ativan, can you send a bit my way as well?

Fourier transforms?

I actually have some here, as well as Clonazepam. I'll send it pronto, by stereophonic sound waves.

Neither work very well for me. Clonazepam makes me extremely depressed a few days later, so I have to avoid it. Ativan doesn't do much of anything at all. I wish I could give it to you!

i am no puter guru but i believe that is behind all the DSP audio work i've been doing for so many decades now. i'm told that without FFT it would likely be a lot harder to do the digitization or conversion of the audio into a form that can be deconstructed cleanly enough.

I remember constructing an FFT program in GWBASIC back in the early 1980s.  What used to take days (or even weeks) of slide-rule analysis would then take more time to print out (at 1200 baud on a serial printer) than to actually solve!