Rants

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Just need to re-itterate what I just posted.. I like her. A lot. I wish I could tell her. But it would make things awkward, she's extroverted, and NT. I can't relate to her life as she cannot relate to mine, so why bother? She likes masculine, extroverted men, neither of those things describe me. I'm just a piece of s**t alcoholic with mental illness, why bother? The only value I have to women is that I'm stupid rich, I could fully support a family, but I guess that doesn't matter. The only thing that a woman is apparently attracted to is an overly masculine man that would do anything to exert his masculinity on both his lover and any man that dares to threaten his social status. And yet, I'm just a piece of s**t. I'm too shy to admit anything, I dislike fighting and aggression and I'm horribly depressed. Why admit that to her?

Why even tell my mom I love her? She wouldn't believe it. I moved 1,000 miles away. I wish I could tell her the truth, that I'm too disabled to care for myself, that I'm too disabled to be independent. But I have too much pride. I f*****g hate being autistic. I'd rather commit suicide then continue living with this awful illness, I'd rather be able to tell I* how much I like her, I'd rather tell my mom I love her, I wish I could tell my ex, Q*, that I f*****g loved the f**k out of her, but I couldn't. Because this awful, awful mental illness dissguising itself as autism prevents me from doing so. It prevents me from being happy. It prevents me from having a family, friends, anything. All I can have is this awful curse, this awful mental illness known as "Asperger's syndrome" yet I'm supposed to pretend it's just some minor difference that makes me mildly shy around people in social situations. f**k that. This disability completely, 100% prevents me from being happy in any context of the word. I can't have friends, family, or a lover because of this awful f*****g illness. I've saved up so much and gone so far with my life, but I can't amount to anything because of this awful illness. I'd give everything I have to be rid of this awful f*****g curse, I could be happy. I could admit to my ex, or my current crush how I feel about them. I could admit to even a WP member I wish to get to know them better as a person, but I can't. Because I'm autistic. I guess it doesn't matter how much I have or how far I've come, at the end of the day I'm an autistic piece of s**t with no masculinity who can't admit to people how I feel about them, positivitely or negatively, and because of it I will die both alone and unhappy.

Seriously, f**k autism, f**k me. I could be so f*****g happy and be so much further along with my life if not for this awful mental illness. I might actually have been able to admit to my ex how I feel, maybe I could've shown her a good time. Maybe I could've shown her I'm "a real man" and a good time. Even if I couldn't do that, I could admit to my mom I love her and need her. I could admit to Is* that I value the f**k out of her and really wish I could get to know her better. Or even that I like someone here and want to talk to them about how autism is really f*****g difficult and how beautiful she is and she deserves better. Instead, I'm just a beta male alcoholic with mental illness. Thanks society, you really f****d me.

God, if I can make it past September without killing myself I'd be genuinely surprised. My wealth and success mean nothing ot me. I just want to be normal, so f*****g bad. f**k the f**k out of autism.

I really do miss her.. she was everything I wanted. She was shy, inexperienced, she loved skiing and a lot of other things. She was shy and inexperienced just like me.. it could've been me and her against the world. Everything I ever wanted, a shy, inexperienced girl.. nerdy, inexperienced and scared of the NT world. Instead, she used me to prove to people close to her she could get a boyfriend. That I'm just some autistic piece of s**t with no value except even the biggest of loser's self esteeem.

Why even bother if that's what love is? Just some person to soothe someone's self esteem issues? Even the nicest, most shy people use someone for their self esteem issues? What value am I then other than to be used?

I'll never in a million years find a girl like that again. If even the shy nice type can use people for whatever, why trust anyone? Do men like me exist to soothe the self esteem issues of people like her? Why not just do everyone a favor and kill the s**t out of myself? I have 60,000 in savings, I bet my mom would love to own that money, she's on my will after all.

God, I literally.. f**k, you don't even know. I'd give everything to not be autistic. I'd work for free my whole life. I'd give all my money away, my freedom, anything. I genuinely, 100% believe in my heart that I could be happy and successful if not for this awful curse called autism.

I love you mom.. I love you I*.. I wish I had the balls to admit it. Thanks for being there for me. One day I'll be rid of this god awful mental illness disguised as autism and I'll be able to admit that to you. In the mean time.. I'm sorry for not being a real man.

"He just doesn't care, doesn't give a sh#t, and doesn't want to put any effort forth."

You tell me you understand, and then spout this crap. It's like being with the rest of my f@$king family, and it shows how wide the disconnect really is.

I just went to the worst panel presentation ever. Only one person on the panel said anything significant, had a detectable amount of intellectual rigor, or addressed the subject with any seriousness. The other three treated the audience like children and made pathetic jokes, or were so erratic and directionless as to render their presentation incomprehensible. I got more out of reading any one of several articles on the subject than I did from that hour and a half of my life.

Why do I even bother having bank accounts? I just screwed up my checking account again. I tried scheduling a doctor's bill to be paid on May 1 through online banking. I got the surprise this moringing that it goes out on April 1! I can't delete the transaction because the bank has already printed the draft for payment. My checking account is already bouncing like a superball, My car's out of gas, I need to get my car repaired, I'm almost out of all my medications, and there's damn little food left around here. I'm breaking out in hives again, and the only thing I can think that is doing it is potassium citrate. I'm also having panic attacks again in the middle of the night from the potassium citrate. I just pre-registered for my kidney surgery yesterday, and that was a massive clusterf!ck getting that done. People owe me money, but are stiffing me left and right, yet when I attempt to ask for help,I'm told to f!ck myself. I'm ready to say f!ck everything, hang out in the worst part of town, and hope I end up being fatally shot.

The two of you are beyond doubt the reason that I can't trust women. You Bi***s pounced and capitilised on a weak day for me, you kicked when i was on the ground, to ensure that i knew my true place. I wish I could read people better, I wish that bullcrap about family ties being important did not exist, it only confuses me and seems to be a one way street. Of course the fact that you sometimes tolerate my existence is the sign of a wonderful decent person, I should kiss your asses daily just for not backstabbing me in that day, I must owe you both so much for being so damn gracious.

Ugh we have some snow on the way, I really don't want any more of it .

I am a diseased phlegm factory lately, probably because of my constantly hacking co-worker who forgets to "cover the cough". Unfortunately, my germ fighters aren't up to taking on full assault mode.

- fresh; being non-conflictual, nonassertif, and nonverbal at critics, etc(libra), so when I dare to speak someone rushes up to shut me down, so I miss two points to being asp and the other half misses two points being nars, so what? is there a line forbidding you to think yourself?
All telling me: you? YOU SHOULD NOT divorce, huh? what's with me ?
All family and friends, academics, which is an issue, 'belittle-me' will take the highground at my expens.
Hurt me, go on, its for free
but I know now where you stand! -

I feel like crap and I can't even describe the feeling. I got up early so that I could get some blood work done, but I forgot that I was supposed to fast and messed it up by eating, and I HAD to eat because I was getting over a migraine and low blood sugar would have made the migraine worse again. So I came back home instead of going to the hospital, and now I'm awake at a time during which I'm usually sleeping and my body is yelling THIS IS WRONG, yet I don't feel that can go back to sleep, but I also don't feel ready to do anything but sit in bed.

I'm in some sort of twilight zone between sleepiness and wakefulness.

And graduation rehearsal's date moved to 10. It was changed yesterday and wasn't able to inform us.
Stupid last minute/uninformed changes. We waited in the terminal for an hour without seeing anyone!

And those chores... Like I said, I hate expecting from anyone, and anyone expecting from me. I do something, they complain. I didn't do something, they complain. I HATE THOSE CLOTHES SCATTERED OVER THE ROOM which I don't know whose clothes are if it's mine or not. The view itself is making me sick... I swear if I have my own house, there won't be anymore than 15 pairs of MY OWN clothing and NO MORE.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

I'm starting to see you for what you are, and inside... you are one ugly person, outside... Wash off that tan, remove the extensions, use regular cremes n make up and you... Are as plain as the back end of a bus, and.... you have way more wrinkles than me... Ha.
It's no wonder you have to compensate so much, how long do you reckon you can hide your ugly insecure side from him? Rofl.
You are one nasty piece of work.